17 down

there is a whole lot of pity in me today. i'll try to get it out of the way & move on to the recap of my fantastic weekend with my friend.

cycle #18 started on saturday. even after my small temp drops i still had hope. it's now gone in a rush that has left me feeling so empty, so drained, that i don't know how to keep going. i know i will- i'll put one foot in front of the other & keep trekking. but right now it's like moving through quicksand. i keep hearing announcements- of babies, 1st birthdays, pregnancies- and my own announcement feels so far, so unimaginable. the only shred of hope i have is that i can keep doing acupuncture because (surprise, surprise) i did not magically find a thousand dollar bill on my way to work today & there will be no more RE visits for at least a few months if we're lucky. they didn't even bother calling me back after my message with day one on saturday. there will be no cl.mid challenge. i don't know why i think that's the key, maybe it's because there's nothing else. and if cl.mid or a few IUI's don't work, we're done. no moving on to ivf & adoption would be years away.

i was thinking today about faith & fate. i have lost faith that i can get pregnant. which boggles my mind because by all medical definitions- i can get pregnant. i just can't feel it. does that mean it's not my fate, or am i just a pessimistic fatalistic hormonal mess right now... i have no idea. lately it just feels like fate is against me. and all faith is gone on a holiday.

enough of that shit. on to my weekend. my great & wonderful friend came down on thursday. she got stuck in horrible traffic & was late, but we went to the art museum pretty much as soon as she got in & the pups let her breath. we had perfect timing to go to the kahlo exhibit. i loved it more than my poor words can express. the photographs were my favorite (the 2 fridas really got me too) and i loved the glimpses into the 'real' frida. we did the audio tour & i found myself tearing up periodically. her story is such tragic beauty. i loved the recent movie & this exhibit was a gem into her life. of course on thursday i still had plenty of hope that maybe we did it this month, maybe the high temps were real. so i was far less of a tearful mess than o would have been, say- today. it was really only a few subtle drips. i brought k to my favorite place in the museum- the medieval wing- which goes into the asian wing. which really makes no sense- but you walk through reproductions of ancient castle halls, to a buddhist monastery, to a beautifully tiled mosque, and a japanese tea house & garden. for me it's the most relaxing & wonderful space. she's an art teacher so we were both in heaven. we missed the anse.l a.dams exhibit since it was across the street & it was that or the modern wing- i let her have the modern wing. i'm not the biggest modern art fan- i appreciate it & can find beauty in it, but for me i like stories. photography is my favorite medium because it lets me see the story better- if that makes any sense... i like graphics, & impressionism, and post-modernism, pop art is pretty cool, but portraits & beautifully shot landscapes, or cityscapes do me in. i can spend hours absorbing.

we then had to stroll down the r.ocky stairs & see the statue. (he comes back for a cameo later) it was a good intro to philly. then home & dinner & catching up.

friday we went for brunch with the hub- who then left us to our girls weekend as he rode up to see his folks. we went to l.ongwood gardens. oh. my. fucking. god. the beauty hit me over the head over & over. we spent 5 hours walking around & taking pictures. she is an art teacher after all, and i wish i could have been a photographer. so here's a little montage of beauty- or as i like to call it, garden porn:

we went out on friday night & both got a little bit drunk. alright- i got a little bit drunk- she got tanked. it was the only time she was upset that i saw all weekend- so i feel pretty good about my role as distractor for that!

saturday was recovery & then time for derby- she's a roller girl in a new league in ny (osda) and some of her girls were coming down for a bout near me. i became an honorary member that night & my name is jenn-e-furious. (okay- i gave it to myself & no one called me that- but if i could do derby i fucking would love that shit! unfortunately the one kidney really is a hindrance- or at least a discouragement to roller glory) the bout was insane- i loved every second of it. i couldn't understand it at all at first- but about 5 minutes in i had a handle on it.

sunday we went to the m.utter museum with her derby girls. it is a medical museum that houses many samples & oddities mainly from the 18th to 20th centuries. they had a new photography exhibit. i love this museum- this was my fourth time going since i moved down here. i find it fascinating & the only thing that grosses me out are the old medical instruments. i must say that some of the exhibit was hard to see. there are many fetal skeletons and such. being that i was on day two- it was a bit rough. so i was ready when we were all done & went to south st. i usually don't hang out down there- the feeling of the street has changed and it's not as much fun for me as it was. but i was a tourist in my own city. and i have to say that seeing my city through the eyes of new yorkers who hadn't hung out there was kind of cool. hearing that i lived in a great city from people who live a hop skip (yup- i said hop skip) away from the urban mecca was kind of nice. because i've always felt a little like i settled- like i couldn't take the plunge of living in ny. i know myself & it's too much for me. i love that philly is a big small town & i am comfortable here. but not usually bored. which works really well for me.

i had to say goodbye to my bud once we got back home. i wish i could have had a few more days. it was like being back in high school, but grown up. fun. easy. no drama. (except of course for the reason she was here- drama with her fucko ex husband) i think we are going to visit her next month for her birthday. i should be onto cycle 19 by then so i can cut loose on her turf!

all in all it was a wonderful long weekend & i loved every minute. i really only lost it yesterday into today. i was suppressing all my emotions to keep her weekend going well & carefree. and i'd do it again. because she reminded me that i am lucky. i married my best friend & he loves me more than some people get to experience.