what a trip!

we're back on our coast & nancy has already beaten me to the punch with posting about our trip- despite the time difference & having 3 kids!!! she put up some great pictures that i took while there & pretty much has our timeline down for our visit. we got along like old friends- no awkwardness at all which was kind of amazing!

the kids all got along great & i immediately felt like one of the family from the girls who couldn't stop hugging & loving on both me & pumpkin! mr. karl is just the sweetest baby on the planet & always seems to be smiling. he & little miss were actually getting along & seemed to like 'playing' together. i learned that nancy really is exactly how she writes- plus she is awesome at the hell's kitchen wii game & is much more 'balanced' than me at the fit! she also watches movie endings first to see if it's worth watching which i find hilarious! it was so nice to chill with her & play with the kids. she is an amazing mom & still super cool (despite her being 'not exciting & fun'- her words not mine!) and we have similar tastes in movie star men... ;o) and she has excellent taste in beer
on sunday pumpkin had two firsts- her first snow- which was hilarious! and her first tooth!!!! i was totally surprised by it as she was pretty much 'normal'. she was up more at night but i figured it was a combo of sharing a room with me & being in a new place- especially a new place at high altitude! she did so amazing- i am such a lucky mom! her dad was so impressed- even if he still can't see it- he sure felt it!

pumpkin was really so good on all the flights- thursday was the hardest as we were up at 5 am to make our 8 am flight & then just were on the go all day long with the only breaks being the flights themselves. we got to security on the way out & i'm feeling all cool & seasoned traveler since i had done the online check in & already had boarding pass in hand. for me that is. had no clue that pumpkin needed her own & they don't tell you that online! so trudge back down carrying a backpack, diaper bag, rolling carry on & carrying a baby since you can't go through security with her in the carrier. 15 minutes later we got to bypass the security line (woo-hoo p.hilly security! i love you!) and we were clear with about 25 minutes to take off. thankfully there was a gift shop right across from our gate so i could pop in to look for the state magnet that i found out nancy collected. alas- not a single magnet in the shape of pa!!! but they did have a kick ass ro.cky shot glass that was screaming her name! then we haul over to the gate where they're already boarding! sat next to some lovely older mothers who slept through the entire flight- even when pumpkin cranked a few times & didn't bat an eye when i was constantly whipping out the b00b for her! they were also indignant with me that i wasn't allowed to keep her in the ring sling for the flight!
she was completely awesome on the trips back & i was lucky to have a lot of understanding travelers around us. we even got complemented on how well behaved she was! i was worried about our last flight to home since we had a 2-1/2 hour layover (!!!!) and then a 2 hour flight. i was in the window seat out of 3 with a nice younger woman on the aisle. then a man in his forties sits next to me and makes small talk about the babes. i had made sure to apologize in advance if she was cranky as she had had a long day, but got assurances from both that they'd be fine. the man then moved to sit with his wife & the girl leaned over & said 'you're glad he's gone- i heard him say under his breath 'oh shit- a baby', but i don't mind her- i love babies!' and she was super sweet the whole flight- making faces & got my stuff out of the bin when we landed. meanwhile- caiden cranked for about 30 seconds before falling asleep for pretty much the whole flight. awesome baby!!! now- the guy behind me eating an onion sub with a side of onions.... really??!!

we were surprised by the hub waiting for us just outside the secure area! pumpkin gave him a huge smile and he just couldn't wait to hold her! he had a surprise for me also- a sweet card letting me know how much he missed me! this guy never remembers cards on birthdays & it meant so much to me- i loved it!

surprises weren't over though... i walked into my house to find that not only was our partial wall completely spackled & primed, the ceiling was as well!

and....

i have fucking countertops!!!!! all in one weekend! we really just need the floor, finish up the counters around the sink & some paint & the 3+ year kitchen project will finally be done!!! what a guy- i wouldn't have blamed him for laying around drinking beer & watching tv all weekend- it was his time off too! but he cleaned the house & did all this amazing reno work- how did i deserve him?

i will hopefully have some more pictures later- she just woke up & is a bit cranky...

on the road. again.

tomorrow we are off to visit the in-laws. thanks to a generous donation on their part (or a short term loan- not sure yet...) we can actually afford to go up there now. i'm not looking forward to the traffic through nyc, or in general- it being the last holiday weekend & all. but it must be done. after this though- no more traveling for the rest of the year, haha! i am also not looking forward to her being off her schedule- i am a zombie for a few days as she readjusts.
speaking of which- she was up at 10:30 last night, just crying & so fussy. we both tried everything to soothe her & finally i just nursed & rocked her back down. then she was up every 4 hours & up for good around 8am- an hour earlier than usual. i think it's teething again as her little buds are back & she's chomping on everything. we still stick with our usual bedtime routine & she still does go back down very easily, but she's quicker/easier to wake the past few days. she has now been napping for an hour and a half & thankfully is starting to stir. i want her to get good naps during the day, but not sleep so much that she takes it out of the nighttime. such a fine line to walk!
i do still have it pretty good though- far better than i ever hoped for- a 5 month old that typically sleeps for more than 6 hours at a clip & goes right back to sleep at night without having to be rocked & walked for minutes, much less hours? i'll take it! but it does really show me sometimes how quickly we adapt that when she gets up every 4 hours for about 10 minutes, i complain (the nerve!) i was liking getting some good sleep- but she is still better than a lot of the sleep horror stories i hear. i think we just need to stay consistent & weather these little bumps (haha- get it- like her little teeth bumps... ok, i'll stop now)

i hope everyone has a lovely holiday weekend & gets to bbq or grill or whatever you enjoy to relax!

oh- yeah- i am quickly approaching my 400th post. dang- that snuck up on me!

It's good to be home

Vaca was awesome & fun. Traveling is not, but pumpkin was great! Now she is all tuckered out in the sling & happy to be back to routine. Me too!

(ps- my b00b looks huge in this pic, haha!)

vaca photo post

not much time- i am going to try to get possibly the most awesome video to upload (wish me luck) but here are some photos of our vaca fun. we're packing up tonight & have to try to stop by my mom's job, my husband's aunt's house & his brother's all on our trip home. it's gonna be a long long day.













and because it's not always all about the kiddo- mommy & daddy actually got out without the pumpkin! that's right- grandma & auntie watched her respectively for a few hours on two different days!

much needed r&r

it's funny- for being out of work- we really need a vacation! we're going down to visit my sister & her hubby for 5 days or so. since it involves getting a friend to house sit & watch the dogs & then packing up everything we could possibly need for pumpkin in 5 days it's getting a little hectic. but i am really looking forward to being down there. my sis is now out of work too (by choice) and it will be really nice to have lots of quality time with her. plus the extra pair of hands with pumpkin will be awesome!

last night was rough- poor girl was in so much teething pain that by bedtime she couldn't even eat. after trying everything- frozen washcloths & teether toys- i even made a nice chilly pacifier for her- she was trying to nurse & just couldn't. out came the baby ty.len.ol & about 5 minutes later nursing was a-ok. poor thing! i felt so bad that i couldn't do more to help her, and i am hesitant to use too much medication- it's kind of my last resort, even though i got the ok from the doc to use when she's really fussy with the teething. it's just my preference for less medication leaking through to her i guess. but when she really needs it- like last night- she gets it!

i'm hoping she is good on our trip tomorrow, and nervous for what 5 nights away from home & routine will do. but i figure we're early on into this whole routine process anyway- hopefully she can get back into it fairly easily! i do plan on keeping as close to what we've established as possible while away, it's just going to be more challenging...

her new favorite teething toy- thanks to the wonderful nancy

it's official- i am gone

vacation has officially started! i'm not doing anything except working on the house & specifically the nursery if i can. the hub is being difficult about what i am 'allowed' to do. before anyone gets the wrong idea- it's not a pregnant lady can't lift anything thing.. it's a my designer wife actually sucks at putting paint on the walls thing. it's true- i admit it. i can pick the colors that go on the wall like nobody's business, but when it comes time to roll up my sleeves and actually put paint to wall i don't do well at all. i am great with fine details & artistic endeavors. i can trim out a room without needing tape. but a roller in my hands is lethal. and the hub refuses to redo what i have already done again. so he will paint the room & i will paint the stripes on the long wall. and then i have a lot of little things to get & figure out. little decorations & touches. but there is of course plenty of time for that.

we've been picking up little things here & there in the 2 weeks since we found out that she's a she. tonight we got a sweet little jacket since it will be april in the northeast (well- north mid-atlantic region at least) it's not unheard of to be freezing or even snowing that time of year. i am getting more excited the more i let myself look & even *gasp* buy!!! things for her. i want to enjoy this pregnancy as if it's my only one- since who knows if it will be or not. i want to be content that i did everything i wanted & savored every moment, even the gross & unpleasant ones. not that it makes them any less gross or unpleasant, but i can tolerate them just fine knowing that a: i am damn lucky to have it in the first place, & b: i may miss it when i can't get pregnant after this (just keeping it in my head) like tonight- while shopping for work clothes for the hub & picking out said cute little jacket- i sneezed. but i also had to pee. so i did a little. standing in the aisle. not gushing out my pants leg pee, but a little trickle i have never really experienced before. even with having a bum kidney & a stent in, i never peed myself... fun. but i'll take it i guess. i know it's just the first of many icky situations i am in store for.

oh- big huge news- we have a name!!! we decided 2 weeks ago, but i've been savoring it & getting used to the fact that not only will i have a daughter, but she has a name. i'll share, but with a warning that while there are a million names i don't like- i never mention it to anyone, except maybe the hub, if i don't like a friend's choice in names. it's just not polite. so, please be polite & just glaze over this part if you don't care for it................................................ caiden lily.

the hub will of course be calling her iron caiden like the metal head he is.

17 down

there is a whole lot of pity in me today. i'll try to get it out of the way & move on to the recap of my fantastic weekend with my friend.

cycle #18 started on saturday. even after my small temp drops i still had hope. it's now gone in a rush that has left me feeling so empty, so drained, that i don't know how to keep going. i know i will- i'll put one foot in front of the other & keep trekking. but right now it's like moving through quicksand. i keep hearing announcements- of babies, 1st birthdays, pregnancies- and my own announcement feels so far, so unimaginable. the only shred of hope i have is that i can keep doing acupuncture because (surprise, surprise) i did not magically find a thousand dollar bill on my way to work today & there will be no more RE visits for at least a few months if we're lucky. they didn't even bother calling me back after my message with day one on saturday. there will be no cl.mid challenge. i don't know why i think that's the key, maybe it's because there's nothing else. and if cl.mid or a few IUI's don't work, we're done. no moving on to ivf & adoption would be years away.

i was thinking today about faith & fate. i have lost faith that i can get pregnant. which boggles my mind because by all medical definitions- i can get pregnant. i just can't feel it. does that mean it's not my fate, or am i just a pessimistic fatalistic hormonal mess right now... i have no idea. lately it just feels like fate is against me. and all faith is gone on a holiday.

enough of that shit. on to my weekend. my great & wonderful friend came down on thursday. she got stuck in horrible traffic & was late, but we went to the art museum pretty much as soon as she got in & the pups let her breath. we had perfect timing to go to the kahlo exhibit. i loved it more than my poor words can express. the photographs were my favorite (the 2 fridas really got me too) and i loved the glimpses into the 'real' frida. we did the audio tour & i found myself tearing up periodically. her story is such tragic beauty. i loved the recent movie & this exhibit was a gem into her life. of course on thursday i still had plenty of hope that maybe we did it this month, maybe the high temps were real. so i was far less of a tearful mess than o would have been, say- today. it was really only a few subtle drips. i brought k to my favorite place in the museum- the medieval wing- which goes into the asian wing. which really makes no sense- but you walk through reproductions of ancient castle halls, to a buddhist monastery, to a beautifully tiled mosque, and a japanese tea house & garden. for me it's the most relaxing & wonderful space. she's an art teacher so we were both in heaven. we missed the anse.l a.dams exhibit since it was across the street & it was that or the modern wing- i let her have the modern wing. i'm not the biggest modern art fan- i appreciate it & can find beauty in it, but for me i like stories. photography is my favorite medium because it lets me see the story better- if that makes any sense... i like graphics, & impressionism, and post-modernism, pop art is pretty cool, but portraits & beautifully shot landscapes, or cityscapes do me in. i can spend hours absorbing.

we then had to stroll down the r.ocky stairs & see the statue. (he comes back for a cameo later) it was a good intro to philly. then home & dinner & catching up.

friday we went for brunch with the hub- who then left us to our girls weekend as he rode up to see his folks. we went to l.ongwood gardens. oh. my. fucking. god. the beauty hit me over the head over & over. we spent 5 hours walking around & taking pictures. she is an art teacher after all, and i wish i could have been a photographer. so here's a little montage of beauty- or as i like to call it, garden porn:

we went out on friday night & both got a little bit drunk. alright- i got a little bit drunk- she got tanked. it was the only time she was upset that i saw all weekend- so i feel pretty good about my role as distractor for that!

saturday was recovery & then time for derby- she's a roller girl in a new league in ny (osda) and some of her girls were coming down for a bout near me. i became an honorary member that night & my name is jenn-e-furious. (okay- i gave it to myself & no one called me that- but if i could do derby i fucking would love that shit! unfortunately the one kidney really is a hindrance- or at least a discouragement to roller glory) the bout was insane- i loved every second of it. i couldn't understand it at all at first- but about 5 minutes in i had a handle on it.

sunday we went to the m.utter museum with her derby girls. it is a medical museum that houses many samples & oddities mainly from the 18th to 20th centuries. they had a new photography exhibit. i love this museum- this was my fourth time going since i moved down here. i find it fascinating & the only thing that grosses me out are the old medical instruments. i must say that some of the exhibit was hard to see. there are many fetal skeletons and such. being that i was on day two- it was a bit rough. so i was ready when we were all done & went to south st. i usually don't hang out down there- the feeling of the street has changed and it's not as much fun for me as it was. but i was a tourist in my own city. and i have to say that seeing my city through the eyes of new yorkers who hadn't hung out there was kind of cool. hearing that i lived in a great city from people who live a hop skip (yup- i said hop skip) away from the urban mecca was kind of nice. because i've always felt a little like i settled- like i couldn't take the plunge of living in ny. i know myself & it's too much for me. i love that philly is a big small town & i am comfortable here. but not usually bored. which works really well for me.

i had to say goodbye to my bud once we got back home. i wish i could have had a few more days. it was like being back in high school, but grown up. fun. easy. no drama. (except of course for the reason she was here- drama with her fucko ex husband) i think we are going to visit her next month for her birthday. i should be onto cycle 19 by then so i can cut loose on her turf!

all in all it was a wonderful long weekend & i loved every minute. i really only lost it yesterday into today. i was suppressing all my emotions to keep her weekend going well & carefree. and i'd do it again. because she reminded me that i am lucky. i married my best friend & he loves me more than some people get to experience.

mia

i am off to return my sister's car today. i am really excited to get to see her & spend some quality time with her. but it also means that everything that i wanted to do this weekend can not happen.
i wanted to come up with a meal plan for the week to try to make it easier to incorporate some of the restrictions from my tcm doc. because without it i am hopeless!
i wanted to really clean out my new car so i didn't have to scramble to do it on sunday, but oh well. at least i'll have a new car (new for me anyway) to clean out.
i wanted to get into the book i was lent by the tcm doc- but i am taking a train back so i'll have at laest 4 hours to get into it.
i also wanted to make some appontments for my shoulder pain that i've been hoping will just get better over the past 6 months or so- it hasn't. so i need to get that checked out.

oh- and i am still as confused as ever by my chart. if i discard day 18 & temp correct day 21 back an hour FF thinks I o'ed on day 21. but i am not 100% convinced. either way- what is up with my temps after that! there's usually something other than a 45 degree angle! i will probably test next thursday since my friend is coming down- i'll either be 14 dpo or 11. safe enough for another bfn to really count.

puppy love

i have the cutest puppy in the world asleep on my arm right now- making it very difficult to type one handed. but it's okay because he is just so cute!!! i'm still at my sisters & having a very nice & relaxing visit. it's odd though to see first hand how difficult it can be for her- just an every day chore like grocery shopping wears her out. i really hope that by not working she can manage better.

i got to go out with them on my brother-in-laws boat yesterday on the James river- it's a little speed boat & so much fun! the puppy came too & went swimming- a little unwillingly, but he has a life jacket! i can't figure out where to plug my camera in- so pictures will have to wait until i get back home.



update: pictures are here!!! Nikolas the puppy after swimming, my sister, brother-in-law & the puppy, me on the boat relaxing!




my temperature has been slighlty higher overall than last month- which is good, but it's still a little low. we'll really just have to see, but i highly doubt this is it. i think our journey is a little longer yet. but this little vacation has allowed me to relax about ttc a bit. i can hang in a lot longer- i am sure that within 2 years from now we will have our child. and i can't be patient & wait a little longer. it could be worse- i could be on medication that would severly harm a pregnancy. i could be too tired to do laundry- much less chase a toddler. i could be the one trying to figure out how to live my life so that i can actually have one- not just nap through it. all in all- i am very lucky, and i am just comparing to my own sister, not to mention the hundreds of thousands of people who have tings a lot harder than i do.

well- this puppy (who is an excellent cuddler) is getting heavier on my arm. time to snuggle a little more...