phooey

i am pretty sure i am 1dpo today. the hub has been stressed. when the hub is stressed- all hopes of lovin go out the window. we have a one time shot this month & given the past - oh- 18 tries, i doubt that we are one shot kind of people.

so despite the fact that i actually saw a positive opk on day 16, did my best with drinking green tea, acupuncture, herbs, seduction, etc... i will most likely go on to see cycle 20. not that i was really expecting anything, but it would have been nice to feel like i at least have a shot of being pregnant. i am seeing it all around me- not a day goes by that i don't look at a belly on the street (while i am driving- they jump out at my car- i swear!) see little tiny babies in the store, see another announcement, hear about a new friend of a friend who never even wanted kids but now they are going to be parents. it's draining. it's exhausting, it's depressing, and there is absolutely nothing at all i can do about it.

i am supposed to get my profit sharing this month. with the economy the way it's been it will cover the rest of the cost of a new engine for my car (thankfully the one in there refuses to die, for which i am eternally grateful) with maybe a little left over to pay bills (leftover debt from the year & a half of supporting the hub). if i am lucky i can save $100 towards the c.lomid challenge test. my heart can not take waiting much longer. i think i may have to borrow the money from my sister. (who has offered & offered, but i hesitate to take her money from her)

it's just so frustrating to know that i am stuck here in limbo for who knows how long. we are fine with our day to day stuff (and i know that a few months of serious budgeting will get us back to where we need to be)- but the engine & various other things just kept popping up & draining any little savings away. add to that trying to recover from a really shitty situation with the shop, and throw in the $4+ a gallon gas (which the hub can't just avoid since he DRIVES for work now) and it gets really tough to come up with an extra grand every month to try to have a baby. the irony is i know that we could adjust our budget just fine to support said baby- but it's so difficult to get ourselves to the point where we have enough for 3-4 treatment months in the bank. if i start with IUI's i don't want to do one-wait a few months, & then try again. the thing that pisses me off the most is that we were ready a year and a half ago. we were there. but life just handed us a shitty ass year & now we have to wait even longer just for a shot at getting pregnant. i am months away from turning 29. i was supposed to go through this financial shit when i was just starting out in life. in my master plan i was done having my 2 babies by now. in my image of how my life would be i was a mother by 27. i can accept that things change & life doesn't always work out how we want. but to have the 2007 i had & now have to wait out 2008 & hope that 2009 decides to give me the only thing i want- it's all starting to feel like i am just not going to see it. i really am starting to think that i am just not fated to be a mother. maybe i am paying for a past life- but considering i am a good fucking person with no reason to not get to experience this- it really fucking sucks.

at least feeling this hopeless at the start of the 2ww has it's benefits- i don't have to worry about hope making an experience, or feel that crash in 2 weeks.

-it's not all doom & gloom- i am just so frustrated right now- i'm tired & tired of waiting & just venting. plus- with the pretty significant temp spike i am pretty sure i have a ton of hormones coursing through my system right now.

my best friend from home just called & she will be 30 minutes away at a roller derby bout tonight. so the hub & i will go to that & she may stay over. it sounds like just what i need to take my mind of my pathetic pity party that i can't seem to shake.


*ha, ha, freaking ha- as soon as i hit publish & checked my e-mail- here is my horoscope today:

"Your five-year plan is all set and you're pretty much on schedule, so there's nothing to worry about there. Today, you should bring your focus back to the more immediate future. What are you doing in the next few months? Got anything big planned? If not, then cook something up with your sweetie or best pal. A road trip may be in order -- and if you start setting aside some mad money now, you will have enough to travel in style and splurge on a luxury experience."

i really need to start ignoring this shit. it's spot on- but always opposite.