oversharing

so- i've been reflecting on the whole pregnancy/delivery/baby thing the past few days. i'm not going to get all emotional & whatnot- just been thinking about a few things & wanted to get them down.

yes- trying to get pregnant was fucking hard. emotionally, physically (to a small extent- i'm much much luckier in that regard than a lot of people) and maritally. the trying takes it's toll on everything in your life after a while-no matter how long it takes. but i honestly find that starting to go blurry around the edges now. not that i don't remember how it felt, but i feel like it was in a much more distant past than it actually is. i will always be empathic to those dealing with what i still think of as one of the hardest things a person can go through, but for me the memories are becoming just that- memories. it's not my all consuming present anymore- despite the 16 pound reminder i literally carry with me all day.

being pregnant was so fucking easy for me (just my personal experience- not gloating or trying to rub anything in!). i think it's because i loved & was extraordinarily grateful for pretty much every second- the mood swings, the fatigue, the morning sickness. i said bring it on & i loved loved loved the bump & feeling her. i could do without the whole swelling beyond recognition & losing my ankles thing. especially since it led to the delivery i had.

for the most part labor was okay. it's all starting to blur just slightly & i can see how women decide to do this again & again- forgetting the pain. unfortunately i have 5 reminders that flair up at least once a week. yes- my 4 internal tears & the 1 episiotomy scar. the episiotomy doesn't bother me too much, but (& this is where oversharing really comes in to play) it does occasionally feel like the perineum is stretching to a mighty uncomfortable point when i am , uh... sitting in a certain position on a certain household 'throne'. but that's getting rarer these days. the internal tears are what worry me as when i wipe there are drops of blood at least once a week. the first time it happened i freaked out thinking i was starting to cycle again. but since it is literally a few drops- looks just like when you cut yourself- i am pretty sure that the internals are just not quite healed. my big concern is- do i schedule another appointment with my ob? i went in at 6 weeks & was told that i definitely was not healed, but people- my kid is 3 months old today! so- the hub has been patient for 3 months & i don't think i am more than 60-70% healed. can they even do anything for that? i know she stitched very carefully- took almost an hour. i also know that i probably was too active too quickly after delivery. easy enough to do when your infant is admitted to the hospital at 5 days old. but i don't know if it's even worth the co-pay to go in & get told i just need more time.

so- delivery... not looking forward to another recovery period like this.

now- the baby part. obviously i am still a work in progress as 'mommy', but despite how incredibly hard it can be- the rewards are so obvious & daily that it just doesn't seem to matter. when i hear her babbling to herself as she drifts off to sleep, or see the smile in her whole face as she nurses after being cranky or upset, when she cuddles into my shoulder and the only thing that makes the meltdown stop is being held by mommy... all those and more make every 2, 4, 6, 8 am feeding schedule night worth it. (that's been her last 2 nights- i feel slightly zombielike today) i know that she was worth every second of doubt, misery, anguish, physical pain & emotional distress. every fight with the hub & sleepless night. every penny & every blood draw & dance with the dildo-cam. i know i'd do it all again tenfold- including every single stitch- just to have her sitting here while i type this.

and to leave on a photographic note.. her i am trying desperately to look like jenn- not like a tired mommy on wednesday as i go to the happy hour. i really tried with hair & makeup & everything! look- there's even jewelry on!