My brain is shooting in so many directions lately. I am still reeling from the loss of Nancy. Not being able to be there to say goodbye is flavoring her loss with a strong sense of the surreal. My brain keeps slipping. Telling me she is just a text away. But she isn't. I have thought of so many things in the past 2 weeks that I have wanted to share with her. Or ask her opinion on. Or just call her to chat about. I miss her so much it hurts. But she has already taught me. I want to do more for her. I can be more. I can educate or be a catalyst. Since I had pre-ecclampsia with my daughter and was blessed with a happy ending while one of my closest lifelong friends is still leveled by the loss of her angel daughter from the same disease I think I have found my passion cause. While I will always support and advocate for IF and all it entails, I think my energy will most likely be focused on finding a way to educate and fundraise for this particular possibility. I have found a local walk that I will participate in next year. I also found a charity organization that supplies blankets and knit items for nicu babies & their parents. I love to knit and to make something that could comfort grieving parents in some infinitesimal way would almost start to feel like a contribution. The one thing I want to ask my friend K is IF she got to hold and cradle her little girl. I know the question is really not mine to ask since that moment is hers. I think it is my hope that she got that hour with her.
Just like I wish that all mommies that have tried & hoped & wanted their babies so very much get to have those moments that I quite frankly have to remind myself sometimes not to overlook. But some don't. Some never get there. Some are there for far too short a time.
Whether it is infant loss or parent loss the loss is hitting me in the gut these days. I have been having various nightmares. They always involve pumpkin. I am sure that is significant in some way. Little Bear is loved and cherished, but he was not sought after the way she was. I know already there is a difference there. Not in the amount of love or care, but something far more intangible and hard to describe. She is tied to so many emotions that he isn't. I struggled for her and hold her differently. He is my sweet sunshine. She is my hard won diva. She is the one I think of with every horrid news story involving a child. Every time I think of Nancy I imagine not getting to hear her little voice telling me 'my name is pbs.org' (which I don't understand but love). Every time I think of K i think of the lifetime of missed kisses and cuddles and boo-boos that she will never know. And if there is or was anything I could do to ease any of those pains I will. Even if it can't change anything for my friends. I hope that in their honor a small difference will be made.
I am rambling. As usual. That's the real purpose for this blog, but this has been an especially rambly kind of time.
In other news: in short... No move is planned right now. Job stays here. Kids are amazingly well and I am trying to enjoy all the moments. Hub & I are pretty good. For the most part really good with a smattering of fight/bicker here & there. Job is good, but crazy busy. I can't wait for vacation despite the fact that we have a lot of good and exciting projects at my job.
This is the first year we can take a real vacation and I can not wait. I have something utterly kitschy and very americana planned and booked. But I have a month & a half to wait.
After this long winding bouncing post I just want to wrap up with this- enjoy what life gives you. Even what you think is tough, someone else would wish for. You can handle anything. Because the beautiful part of life is that you are here. For the briefest of moments. And not much matters beyond living the life you can look back on with no regrets - except that there is never enough life to live. Soak up every moment and try to remember at least every day or week that no matter how hard or bleak it seems, the life we have really is a gift we can enjoy and use how we wish. This is the advice I am telling myself these days
Just like I wish that all mommies that have tried & hoped & wanted their babies so very much get to have those moments that I quite frankly have to remind myself sometimes not to overlook. But some don't. Some never get there. Some are there for far too short a time.
Whether it is infant loss or parent loss the loss is hitting me in the gut these days. I have been having various nightmares. They always involve pumpkin. I am sure that is significant in some way. Little Bear is loved and cherished, but he was not sought after the way she was. I know already there is a difference there. Not in the amount of love or care, but something far more intangible and hard to describe. She is tied to so many emotions that he isn't. I struggled for her and hold her differently. He is my sweet sunshine. She is my hard won diva. She is the one I think of with every horrid news story involving a child. Every time I think of Nancy I imagine not getting to hear her little voice telling me 'my name is pbs.org' (which I don't understand but love). Every time I think of K i think of the lifetime of missed kisses and cuddles and boo-boos that she will never know. And if there is or was anything I could do to ease any of those pains I will. Even if it can't change anything for my friends. I hope that in their honor a small difference will be made.
I am rambling. As usual. That's the real purpose for this blog, but this has been an especially rambly kind of time.
In other news: in short... No move is planned right now. Job stays here. Kids are amazingly well and I am trying to enjoy all the moments. Hub & I are pretty good. For the most part really good with a smattering of fight/bicker here & there. Job is good, but crazy busy. I can't wait for vacation despite the fact that we have a lot of good and exciting projects at my job.
This is the first year we can take a real vacation and I can not wait. I have something utterly kitschy and very americana planned and booked. But I have a month & a half to wait.
After this long winding bouncing post I just want to wrap up with this- enjoy what life gives you. Even what you think is tough, someone else would wish for. You can handle anything. Because the beautiful part of life is that you are here. For the briefest of moments. And not much matters beyond living the life you can look back on with no regrets - except that there is never enough life to live. Soak up every moment and try to remember at least every day or week that no matter how hard or bleak it seems, the life we have really is a gift we can enjoy and use how we wish. This is the advice I am telling myself these days
3 comments:
i have "known" nancy or at least read her blogs regularly for the last 6 years. i happened upon your blog from her comments. i know you were close and i am so sorry for your loss. although i was not friends with her per se, i can see how she would have been a great friend.
i know she had some tough times and i just pray that she was in a good place before her passing. i am having such a hard time wrapping my head around it all. my heart aches for her children, and being a mother myself i know what that love is like.
if you get anymore details, please post them.
so sorry. hugs
shawn
I hope you're taking some time to be good to yourself. It is so hard to lose a friend.
I am trying to enjoy these moments, since I am pregnant (until proven otherwise) and it might be the only time I get to be "pregnant"
Is the job definitely not moving, or just for now?
I am trying to stop and enjoy more Io. We are going away for the weekend to see family which should be nice.
The job will likely move- I honestly am not sure how it wouldn't. But it won't be soon and there is a lot to be figured out first before it even would become a possibility.
And pupo!!!!!!! I am thrilled you are here. And I hope the feeling lasts (but without the annoying not really knowing part!)
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