It has taken since Thursday to attempt to write this and I am sure I am not done yet, but today is a week after Nancy died. (man is it hard to spell that out...) I have been mia from the IF community for a few years now- after 2 kiddos in just over 2 years I didn't feel I had a real home there anymore. But with her death I had to see for myself that it was real and I know this community rallies in tragedy. This is my first comment in years on the stirrup queens blog. A day after the sucker punch to the heart that was learning that my friend Nancy is really gone. While the cause of her death and the circumstances around it aren't really clear- in a way it doesn't matter. A light has gone out & knowing how it happened won't turn it back on. It seems like no one could have prevented it and I certainly can't change it. I can only hope she had no pain and that the inevitable grief and pain her family feels will be replaced with the happy memories of their awesome mom, wife, sister, daughter. Of her infectious laugh and smile. Her sweet and ever generous spirit & her way of saying what you needed to hear- not necessarily what you wanted to hear. She told great stories & 'crazy guy pills' still makes me shake my head with a smile:
I am still in shock and a large part of me refuses to believe that this firecracker, snarky, fearless, brave & yet sweet & fragile lioness is gone. I only got a brief visit in person, yet Nancy was a very special part of my life. One that I wish I had to cherish just a little longer. We met on WebMD boards and she introduced me to the blogging community (and the whole concept of blogging) which became my outlet in our limited bout with IF. She was a truly understanding and compassionate friend to me despite distance, despite not actually being close enough to offer a hug for comfort. I could call or text or email her with any question or vent and never had to worry about feeling judged. I knew I would get a no-hold’s barred answer- but that is what I loved about her. She was not perfect- but she would be the first to tell you so. She was also the first to comfort, the first to virtually ‘yell’ just POAS already & get it over with! She was the first person (besides my husband) that I told of our surprise pregnancy with #2. I was supposed to finally be able to host her this year so she could meet him.
I am in tears over the loss of this amazing woman in a community of amazing women. The world is a little dimmer now. My tattooed roller derby foul mouthed momma is gone.
I will cherish the time I could call her my friend and I will try to enjoy and really live my life without fear the way she could inspire me to. I will strive for honesty and truth in her honor. And I will one day ride some rollerskates and think of her.
My heart is with her family and especially the children that I know she loved more than anything.
Tonight I took the time to really enjoy my babies. We had an impromptu dance party that started outside on my steps and moved into the house and ended with all three of us in a breathless happy pile on the floor. I thought of her then and while I wish she could have many more years of just these moments, I felt a glimmer of a smile that she could now look over us & see that I can honor her life by living and enjoying mine fully.
I love you Nancy and I will never forget you.
I am still in shock and a large part of me refuses to believe that this firecracker, snarky, fearless, brave & yet sweet & fragile lioness is gone. I only got a brief visit in person, yet Nancy was a very special part of my life. One that I wish I had to cherish just a little longer. We met on WebMD boards and she introduced me to the blogging community (and the whole concept of blogging) which became my outlet in our limited bout with IF. She was a truly understanding and compassionate friend to me despite distance, despite not actually being close enough to offer a hug for comfort. I could call or text or email her with any question or vent and never had to worry about feeling judged. I knew I would get a no-hold’s barred answer- but that is what I loved about her. She was not perfect- but she would be the first to tell you so. She was also the first to comfort, the first to virtually ‘yell’ just POAS already & get it over with! She was the first person (besides my husband) that I told of our surprise pregnancy with #2. I was supposed to finally be able to host her this year so she could meet him.
I am in tears over the loss of this amazing woman in a community of amazing women. The world is a little dimmer now. My tattooed roller derby foul mouthed momma is gone.
I will cherish the time I could call her my friend and I will try to enjoy and really live my life without fear the way she could inspire me to. I will strive for honesty and truth in her honor. And I will one day ride some rollerskates and think of her.
My heart is with her family and especially the children that I know she loved more than anything.
Tonight I took the time to really enjoy my babies. We had an impromptu dance party that started outside on my steps and moved into the house and ended with all three of us in a breathless happy pile on the floor. I thought of her then and while I wish she could have many more years of just these moments, I felt a glimmer of a smile that she could now look over us & see that I can honor her life by living and enjoying mine fully.
I love you Nancy and I will never forget you.
2 comments:
Oh Jenn. There are just no good words. This made me cry.
I know Nancy would have totally appreciated your dance party.
What you said about Nancy was beautiful.I am sure Nancy was smiling down on you and your kiddos
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