Saturday, January 4, 2014
weighty issues
My last post has me thinking a lot about resolutions and how my word can relate them. I don't know if the traditional list of must Do's for the year are necessary. Because to me mindfulness is a daily striving. Be a more present parent, wife, employee, friend. Stop automatically yelling at the kids for normal kid stuff but think of different tactics to teach and help them grow instead of stifling because its quieter/easier/calmer.
But I am at a minor turning point this year. I say this in all truthfulness not to brag but this is the first year my typical throwaway resolution of lose 10-15 pounds and be healthy is null and void. I did that and more in 2013 (aka the year of crap but highlights of awesome) It was a saving point for me to focus on myself in some ways and move and lose and grow strength I needed to get me through. But now I face a grim reality of the modern age. I have always carried weight. I have rarely looked overweight- even when technically 'obese' but have not been happy with my body for most of my life. Facing infertility does not help this-your body is actively failing you- why bother to treat it nice in return. Then two miracle babies and pregnancies within 2 years along with job moves and stress and suddenly I was back up at the 'bridge' size size i hated being. For full disclosure - since 8th grade I have been a size 8 (good years)to 14 (the really not so good years) on a short short side of average frame. I now work for a plus size retailer and not only embrace but wholly identify with my customer. This isn't about a number but a feeling and there is absolutely no judgement meant on number sizes-which all contributes to the confusion of my internal debate.
This past year I have lost almost 30 pounds. It was long and hard and involved eating right and being aware of it (thanks to a well known paid support service) as well as moving my chunky ass and walk/running on a more regular basis to kick start a metabolism that forgot what work was.
My dilemma is this- I am happy because I am healthy. I feel like a hot lady and a strong capable woman. But my daughter sees this focus on the physical as a natural extension of the weight loss results. At only 4 she is absorbing everything. How do I continue to be proud of being healthy and happy and celebrate my accomplishments (today I fit in a freaking size 2 for the first time in almost 15 years and that is amazing!!!) while at the same time teaching that looks are only as important as you allow them to be. That society has told us things for years that just aren't true. That mommy is happy because I am healthy and feel pretty but feeling pretty being tied to my weight is a lie I was fed and bought into since I was a preteen. That I am trying to be happy that I am strong and healthy and smart instead, but I am conditioned to tie happiness into a size in a pair of jeans and I want so so much more for her. I see her staring at a mirror. I hear her ask if she is pretty. My answer tries always to focus on the inner beauty of her kind heart and smart brain, but the world it does invade so- especially deviously and subtly through the most influential of all...mama.
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2 comments:
I have had similar thoughts about making sure my girls have healthy body images that aren't dictated by what society tells them is "pretty." I've had to be more aware of what comes out of my mouth about myself, too. I fat shame myself, and I surely don't want them hearing that and thinking that's how they need to think about themselves (or others)should their weight ever in life ever cross over into "obesse" territory.
So, I've changed my dialogue. Instead of looking at myself and sighing about how fat I am, I say things along the lines of, "I'm not healthy right now. I need to exercise and eat better to get healthy." It takes the weight loss away from the weight (and my own self-value) and puts the focus on what weight really affects, which is physical health and well-being.
You've done a FABULOUS JOB losing weight. I hope to be able to share a similar story this time next year. Now that you've gotten there, I think it's okay for you to celebrate being in size 2 jeans aloud. But maybe the dialogue could be, "I feel so much more comfortable now that I've gotten healthier. I have more energy to keep up with you!" That's what I plan to say when I start dropping the poundage.
As far as the "am I pretty" stuff goes, I tell the girls they're gorgeous (and the boys that they're handsome) all of the time, but I attach those compliments to the nature of their personalities and not to their physical appearances. They hear me say often how people might be physically pretty but have nasty attitudes, and that then makes even their physical selves seem nasty. And vice-versa -- people who are good on the inside always look better on the outside, no matter what." I just asked Kyra, "What makes you pretty?" She said, without a moment's hesitation, "My beauty on the inside." She went on to explain that that means that she's nice to people, helpful, caring, etc. I really think filling our kids' heads up with the good stuff helps them keep all the external bad stuff at bay...at least that's my hope.
I can't imagine your girls (&boys) growing up full of anything but awesomesauce. But yes- we are trying to focus on the internal beauty along with telling them how gorgeous they are. (Which sparks a whole nother bend in my thoughts about gender adjectives and sibling praise/play/clothing/etc- for another day)
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