oh crap

i am in for it. this kid is freaking strong & strong willed. she is exactly like her father- but i think she may have my perserverance (definitely not stubborness!) and i hope she has my good nature.

she definitely has her father's sense of independence & adventure though. she did this last week too, but here she is 7 months & 3 days old.













i can not wait until next week when she gets to play with another little monkey!

400

i have been thinking a lot about what to write for my 400th post. it seems insane that i would have had that much to say that i even hit 400 posts. i realize the majority of my posts lately are of a quick pumpkin update variety & not really thought provoking in the slightest. then again- i have never really been a 'thought-provoking' type of blog. but a lot is going on in this mixed up little head of mine right now. (and yes- i apparently have a smallish head. at least according to my sis & the hub- who in my opinion have freakishly large heads without looking like they have big heads at all, so their opinion doesn't hold much weight for me!)

anyway- i honestly can not imagine having a job right now. this is what has been screaming around my head lately. i am enjoying being home with the pumpkin very much. i love so many things about being home with her:

-being able to make her baby food for her to try & to know her schedule & see her developing daily.

-being able to nurse (almost) exclusively & not worry about bottles at all.

-that the more i get to know her & what she needs & wants- the better a baby she seems to be.

-the freedom from deadlines & not having to deal with traffic.

-being able to take a walk on a gorgeous day & clean my house & still have energy to go out.

-that the hub & i are here to enjoy & shape our daughter's days.

-not having to worry about finding child care & then worrying about the quality of said care as more & more horrendous stories have been on my local news on disgusting excuses for human beings that were entrusted with children's lives.

- sleeping "in" until 7 or 8 am.

-having the option to take a nap when pumpkin does, even if i almost never actually do it.

-getting a chance to explore my city more during the day when things are cheaper & less crowded.

-being able to shout out the back window that i need help from the hub & he can take a break & do it. without this i have no idea when i'd actually shower some days...



there are, however, many things about not working that i absolutely hate. such as:

-the financial strain & worry. while we aren't getting anything shut off or deciding between mortgage & food or anything- there are still many many things we just can't afford & many tough decisions i have to make. i hate that i have to budget a meal out- and i mean at a diner or a fast food place- no restaurants for us right now. a lot of my stress (well- most of it really) comes from money concerns & i hate that. i want to be able to get a babysitter & go out for a dinner & a movie with the hub. i want to be able to buy the completely frivolous vans i saw for the pumpkin despite the fact she doesn't need (or fit into!) shoes. i want a massage dammit! but more than that- i need to get my savings back & that needs to be 6 months worth. without 2 jobs & some cheap childcare i just don't know how we'll do it right now.

-not flexing my 'creative muscles'. i miss the feeling of doing my job. i really loved it. especially when i figured something out or put together a concept that went over well- that feeling is amazing & i miss it.

-not being at my job. i miss the people. i miss the environment. as much as i hate how i was laid off- i can understand it. i don't agree with it & i wish it had been done differently- but i can understand. and hearing what i do about the firm & the people still there i do believe that they do want to be able to hire me back- i just don't know when. i doubt they do either. but i do miss them.

-the uncertainty. the not knowing if i will go back period, much less having a timeline for it. there's a big ticking clock that is my unemployment & while i do continuously look for other jobs- the finding them is proving near impossible. i saw one on monday & before i could even get together my resume & some portfolio stuff (which i really do need to update again!) it was gone. that was wednesday! the pool of out of work designers in this city is huge & the number of jobs posted is pitifully small. in the past 3-ish months i have only even seen that 1 this week. i would feel better if the hub could finally find a job- but he needs to spend some moo-lah to get one as there's still a few things he was working towards getting when he was laid off that we just can't afford to get him now (certifications, licenses & such). without these his prospects are also slim to none for a decent job in his field. we are operating basically without any safety net here & it scares the everliving crap out of me.

-being on 24/7. i am always 'mommy'. the times when i am 'jenn' are few & far between. being on call all day every day is draining. as much as i love her- there are times when i just need a break to be me. usually i am able to just let her have some daddy time & walk away for a minute, but i am finding it tough. i haven't gone out without her. i haven't just hung out with friends sans bebe. i miss that. as much as i enjoy & cherish that i can spend my days with this precious babe, i need some time to unwind & just be myself. i get it a little on the days i volunteer for my acupuncturist, but it would be nice to go out just for me.


the more i have time to reflect, the more i am aware how motherhood & recent events have changed me. i feel both more secure in who i am and more unstable in the world around me. i am confident that we can weather the rocky times, but fearful of what else is brewing. i am more in love with the hub, yet find myself wondering if we ever really will be intimate again. (short story- pushing from -1 station really sucks for your future love life). i love being a sahm, but i wonder if that's only because i know it's a temporary situation. would i be as thrilled if this was my entire future? would i miss the me that includes working & creating? or would i eventually find another way to satisfy that side? there were so many decisions swirling around in my mind earlier due to possible developments at more (former) job. since i am so very type a with the planning of things i was obsessing over all possible outcomes & decisions to be made. and i freaked out. i don't feel ready to make these decisions & it appears that the life around me is making it for me. all decisions are pretty moot at this point as i couldn't work (in my field) if i wanted to. and i do want to- i think... just not this second. maybe. obviously once the decision needs to be made it will prove a tough one for me!

*updated- i just wanted to add that nancy's comment had a really good point- the things i am loving about being a sahm (even if it is only temporarily) are still very possible to have as a working mom. i am just working through what had me freaking out at the mere thought of a possibility of going back to work. and while some things -napping & not worrying about pumping- would go away, i would certainly work with what i have to make sure we all get exactly what we need. it's just that the more time goes on, the more i am questioning what that is for me... no decisions being made, just a couple questions being asked.
i also just wanted to make sure i was very clear that this is in no way a debate on being a sahm vs working, i am really just trying to work out my own thoughts in my particular situation. everyone has to do what's best for them & i definitely don't mean to offend either side by being pro-anything! (not that i think i offended, just wanted to make it super clear, especially in light of certain recent posts i have seen about clarity in blog writing)

it has begun

yesterday the pumpkin demonstrated how little she cares for this whole immobility thing by army crawling over my lap to get a toy she had flung to the other side. while not able quite yet to officially get it all coordinated enough to really crawl around, she does this half roll, then push off whatever she can find & scoot/pull herself forward a bit & then roll again, etc, etc.

i thought i could wait a little longer to start babyproofing, but this kid is very impatient- just like her dad.



i do have to say though- with all this physical development & movement, she gets worn out by the end of the day & she's been going to sleep very well & actually slept through the night last night. (not that i ever expect it to continue!) it's always a very pleasant surprise to wake up at 4am & wonder if you heard the baby- look over at the clock & realize you are only awake because your body told you she has 'missed' a feeding. then go blissfully back to sleep for a whole freaking hour until she finally does wake up! we both got up much happier this morning.


of course- seeing as i had a bit of a rough night independent of her last night i am especially grateful to the full nights sleep. nothing i really want to get into, but the basic is i heard something 2nd hand that upset me very much. turned out not to be true, but brought up a lot of difficult questions, emotions & conversations i didn't need to have if the person had just gone directly to the source with what she had heard.



oh yeah- and she figured out she can now hold herself up for about 10-20 seconds at a clip. this proved extremely difficult to document- hence the washed out picture since i had to use a flash to get my camera to take the picture with a fast enough shutter speed to capture the magic! and the glazed donut look on her chin as she is (still) drooling up a storm!

verdict

today is day three of the great 'solids experiment'. i am giving her very thinned out rice cereal after she nurses so it's less about getting her calories than about trying new tastes & textures. even with a belly full of milk she is gobbling it down! she slurps the spoon & is slowly learning this whole chew action vs suck action thing. we've gotten a few raspberries & when she starts turning away from the spoon we're done. but more often than not so far, she has been waiting- mouth open following intently for more! i'm not in a rush to try other foods & we'll probably be in the experiment phase for a while before she even gets anything thicker than what she's had so far, but she definitely seems to be taking to it.
no adverse affects either. if anything she is spitting up far less (as in not at all) in the past 3 days than she has yet. coincidence- who knows. also no real change to poop or sleep habits- not that i was anticipating anything at all in regards to sleep. i do know that's a complete myth. babies sleep through the night when they are ready- not when they hit a certain weight, age, or eat a different food. she's still not quite ready. her new pattern seems to be sleep by 8:45- up at 3am for a quick feed & back to bed. then up again between 5-6am for another feed & back to bed until anywhere between 8-9:30 when she gets up for the day. i am slowly moving her bedtime up a little bit in the hopes that earlier to bed means longer sleep - one of those random things i've read somewhere that is at least worth a shot.
the 5 am-ish feeding is annoying. last night i tried to sooth her back to sleep instead of nursing to no avail. the girl wanted her b00b & she wanted it then. at least she gave me a solid 4 hours before 3 & a good 4 hours after 5. so i really can't complain, but maybe later on when we get a little more consistent with solids (ie- cereal for meals not just to try it out once a day as a snack) we can see if a later meal of cereal has any affect. it's all a little like mad scientist to me- there are lots of variables & theories. everyone has an opinion & a tale of what worked for them, but all you can do is try a bunch of different things until you find the right combo for your child. i know what works for others might not work for me. hell- what worked for my own mother doesn't work for me! all in all though- pumpkin is a happy & extremely healthy baby with a great personality & disposition. she has her cranky moments, but they are far fewer than even the limited amount she had as a newborn. for that i am eternally grateful. i can put up with 3 & 5 am feedings if the trade off is a baby this happy!
another thing i am grateful for though is being able to be home with her right now. i honestly can't imagine how i would function some days on the lack of sleep at a 9-5 (or 8-6 as it was) job. i know i would (and that i will when/if the time comes) i just can't imagine it right now. i love me some sleep. in high school my weekends were spent in bed until at least noon. at my first college i never scheduled a class before 1pm so i could sleep & not worry about missing anything important. now even though i have no time clock i am up before 9 everyday without fail. (i know, i know- i really should shut the fuck up!) all i am saying is that with getting up 2x a night- i need that extra few hours sleep. were i to have to commute everyday i would need to be up around 6:30 to get ready & out of the house by 8. considering that i get up at 3 & 5-ish, that would mean i would really have to go to bed with caiden to get enough sleep to face a long day of work & then being mommy at home. major props to all that do it because while i know you get used to almost anything- i am enjoying being spoiled enough to not have to function on that limited amount of sleep and having it be majorly interrupted as well. i am still taking everything pretty much one day at a time with regards to making any big decisions, but i am a lot happier with this silver lining of the crappy economy. now if i could just win that lottery...

thank you thank you

7-1/2 freaking hours. thank you pumpkin! she ate at 8:45 & was out - like dead to the world totally solid sleep - until 4 fucking 15 in the morning!!! awesome.

i of course woke up at 2:15 & then 3:15 in anticipation of her waking up because the b00bs told me it was getting to be time... i suppose that will happen for a little while until they all even out with her. but i am so freaking happy that she seems to be taking to her own bed so well. i hope it continues- although i do fully expect setbacks every now & then.

thanks for all the comments & encouragement- i know this has been probably the most boring blog ever lately. you just don't realize how all consuming your child's next step or transition is until you are in it. i do feel like i have lost a bit of jenn in all this, but i am not sure how i get her back... i will have to ponder on that for a while.

12 weeks

caiden is 12 weeks old tomorrow. holy cow- where did it go? it's been an exhilarating 12 weeks to be sure. so much has happened what with the job situations and trying to figure things out. the hub is all set to get his licenses, but he also has been trying to get some side work going. he is channeling his love of motorcycles into what hopefully becomes a nice little business of customizing & repairing them. he has a partner for that & luckily right now we don't need to have him working full time for another 2 months. we still have yet to get the subaru on the road, but that will happen next week. there's still a lot of worry & balancing to make sure we can afford everything, but we are getting used to being home with each other & the pumpkin. i don't know that being a sahm is my entire future- but in the immediate 6 months i think i can get used to this.



i get to see how much the little girl is growing & learning & changing day to day. she can grasp a rattle, she can reach out to mr. elephant on her bouncy chair. she babbles & 'talks' to everyone. she gets hella cranky when she's gassy- usually around 7am feeding & right before bed. although i think bedtime crank is her getting tired & us needing to establish a better routine.



the last few days she's reverted back to a constant 3 hour schedule- no more nighttime stretches of 4+ hours. i hope this changes back soon. i wonder if it's another growth spurt- but i kind of hope not since she's already outgrown most all of her 0-3 month & is now solidly in 3 or 3-6 sizes. i even have her in a few things that are 6 month! she's such a chunk- but in that good chubby baby way. her cheeks are amazing & her smile lights up the entire room.



she loves having her hair washed & splashes in her tub. she hates getting out of the bath, but is taking a little bit longer to let me know- so maybe there's hope! she loves the b00b & is quite the efficient nurser during the day. at night though she really wants the 'comfort b00b' as i call it & can nurse for an hour. she 'schnoodles' in her sleep. she loves to have her feet played with & her toes kissed- sometimes it's all it takes to head off a crank session. her face lights up when she sees her daddy. she still wakes up happy, but doesn't poop until after her 10:30/11 am feeding. i don't have to change her in the middle of the night anymore, but she does need butt paste in the evening.

she still hates tummy time- but will tolerate it for a good 3 minutes. i force the next 2 on her to get her at least 5 minutes, but she's really mad at me by the time 4:30 rolls around. we're working on it- but i admit to being slightly lax because she just doesn't like it that much!

we also need to get better at daytime naps- she just will not go down in her bassinet or crib during the day. she'll sleep in her bouncy chair, but only for a half hour- 40 minutes max. a walk in her stroller or a car ride usually gets her for a good hour nap at least, but that's not the best habit to get into. the hub & i are trying to live a tress free life & schedules tend to stress us out since we don't have 9-5 jobs now!

she is the light of our lives (as cheesy as it sounds) and we love spending our days with her. i can't believe that she's almost 3 months old. it really is flying by & every time i look at her smile it makes the past & present troubles fade away. nothing really matters except for this adorable face!