tomorrow is my hss. it has really snuck up on me! besides being fairly insane at work with a deadline & dealing with the hub's job crazies & trying to figure out how long we'll have to scrape by, i also drove down to see my fols & sis this weekend. it was a nice little visit & i returned my dad's car, but it was a very short & not at all relaxing weekend.
i was supposed to pick up my antibiotics prescription when i got home on sunday- but i was too tired to even remember it. in fact i didn't remember it until about 8pm last night. so i missed my first does, but since it's a precaution (i think) i should be fine. i have to be up by 5 or so tomorrow so i can leave my house by 6:45 to get there by 7:15- a full hour & 15 minutes early!!! why i need to be there so early is beyond me, but if it gets me done & out sooner i'll be happy. i'm already missing work for thursdays hsg (which between you & me is the one i'm more nervous for!) and i will have to stay late (again) to make up for it.
i haven't figured out yet whether or not to have a chat with my manager about this stuff- i'm only going to most likely miss more work & i really don't want her to think i am a slacker or interviewing elsewhere. i'm sure she'd be understanding & she really wouldn't push me to know more than i am willing to tell, but i'm way too tired to get into any conversations about the fact that i am missing work for infertility testing- especially not the manager who has the most adorable 18month old little girl- who was born right when we started trying.
i am rambling. i'm nervous. i never wanted to see this day & i really don't like the idea of anything being shoved up my hoo-ha, especially not while i am awake & have an audience. thank goodness i don't have to pay for these because that would really drive me nuts!
i'll be sure to update tomorrow afterwards, but it probably won't be until later in the afternoon.
Showing posts with label pull on the big girl panties. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pull on the big girl panties. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
less than a month
i am impressed- on the most romantic day of the year i will have my initial consult with my new RE. the wait is pretty quick from what i've heard, but it's ironic that the earliest appointment is on valentine's day.
some girls get chocolates...
i am excited, and nervous, and a little sad all rolled into one. i honestly didn't think i would get to this point when we decided to start trying. but here we are. i am excited about the possibility of finding a solution, or a reason, or at least a freaking plan!
i am a little nervous because of the whole insurance & expendable income for the next few months. my insurance will cover all testing & treatments 'for underlying causes'. but no medications, ultrasounds (unless for diagnostic purposes), injects, IUI's, or IVF. if we end up in treatments i am not sure if it's really feasable for us for the next few months while we straighten out the finances. i'm thrilled that my insurance covers testing & i am anxious to get this show on the road, but i am afraid of nothing being found, and having to wait to move foward. i do know that there is better coverage with my insurance & if it comes to it i can find out what (if any) plan at work i can switch to would have it. but that's still in the future. i am going to attempt to stick to what's going on right now- rather than getting caught up in what may come.
isn't it funny to actually hope that something is found... i want there to be a (fixable) problem. after thinking about how i would feel right now & actually dreading the moment of making the call, admitting i need the appointment- i am much more calm than i would have ever expected. it's like it was with my kidney- while i was in limbo on whether the kidney would get to stay, i was scared & very apprehensive about it going. but once i knew that i would be better off without it, once i had a good team behind me & i knew that my best interests lay in having the sucker taken out, i became much calmer about the whole experience. it still wasn't fun to go through & i wish things would have been different so i didn't have to go though it at all- but when it was all said & done everything was exactly how it should have been.
and hey- i get to think up a cool RE nickname- what girl wouldn't look forward to that!
some girls get chocolates...
i am excited, and nervous, and a little sad all rolled into one. i honestly didn't think i would get to this point when we decided to start trying. but here we are. i am excited about the possibility of finding a solution, or a reason, or at least a freaking plan!
i am a little nervous because of the whole insurance & expendable income for the next few months. my insurance will cover all testing & treatments 'for underlying causes'. but no medications, ultrasounds (unless for diagnostic purposes), injects, IUI's, or IVF. if we end up in treatments i am not sure if it's really feasable for us for the next few months while we straighten out the finances. i'm thrilled that my insurance covers testing & i am anxious to get this show on the road, but i am afraid of nothing being found, and having to wait to move foward. i do know that there is better coverage with my insurance & if it comes to it i can find out what (if any) plan at work i can switch to would have it. but that's still in the future. i am going to attempt to stick to what's going on right now- rather than getting caught up in what may come.
isn't it funny to actually hope that something is found... i want there to be a (fixable) problem. after thinking about how i would feel right now & actually dreading the moment of making the call, admitting i need the appointment- i am much more calm than i would have ever expected. it's like it was with my kidney- while i was in limbo on whether the kidney would get to stay, i was scared & very apprehensive about it going. but once i knew that i would be better off without it, once i had a good team behind me & i knew that my best interests lay in having the sucker taken out, i became much calmer about the whole experience. it still wasn't fun to go through & i wish things would have been different so i didn't have to go though it at all- but when it was all said & done everything was exactly how it should have been.
and hey- i get to think up a cool RE nickname- what girl wouldn't look forward to that!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
who wants morning sickness anyway
apparently all it took to get af here was a six hour tour of the mall with my sis, aunt & uncle, and then getting stuck in traffic on the way home. i still don't know if i had a day 16 ovulation- it could have been day 18 for all i know. but it doesn't seem to matter much right now. not much does. except that beautiful bottle of red that my aunt got me for christmas.
*yes- i will be calling for appointments on monday. i have to come to terms with the fact that we probably just can't do this ourselves. which i was totally ready to do until hope came along & fucked with my head so much. which is why this entire process sucks so much. as soon as i come to terms with having to take the next step, my research is done & my decisions are made- here comes what i think HAS to be a pregnancy but is actually some freak 13-15 day lp complete with neverending sore boobs and fatigue. now we get to find out if there actually is a problem- which is a good thing- but we may not be able to do much more- which sucks beyond belief. but that's monday. tonight is about getting fall down drunk & crying. a lot.
edited to add:
I get a daily horoscope & tarot card e-mailed to me (inspired by my friend Nancy). I thought today's tarot card could have meant one thing this morning- but looking at it again I think it's something completely different.
"The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero's heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I'll never know until I try.
It's the last line- I will never know until I try. So enough dragging of my feet- however good the reason in my mind- I have to follow my feet. I have to move forward with testing & treatment. I don't think we will get pregnant otherwise. I will find a way. I know that I have to. It's just to hard to not have this work anymore. It's too painful to think that there could be a reason. no matter how much I hope that it works, I seem to ~know~ that there is something not quite right. I need to figure out if my hunch is correct or not. After a very hard year I really wanted a little miracle, but I think that I will have to make it happen. My heart can't keep waiting for it to happen on it's own.
*yes- i will be calling for appointments on monday. i have to come to terms with the fact that we probably just can't do this ourselves. which i was totally ready to do until hope came along & fucked with my head so much. which is why this entire process sucks so much. as soon as i come to terms with having to take the next step, my research is done & my decisions are made- here comes what i think HAS to be a pregnancy but is actually some freak 13-15 day lp complete with neverending sore boobs and fatigue. now we get to find out if there actually is a problem- which is a good thing- but we may not be able to do much more- which sucks beyond belief. but that's monday. tonight is about getting fall down drunk & crying. a lot.
edited to add:
I get a daily horoscope & tarot card e-mailed to me (inspired by my friend Nancy). I thought today's tarot card could have meant one thing this morning- but looking at it again I think it's something completely different.
"The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero's heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I'll never know until I try.
It's the last line- I will never know until I try. So enough dragging of my feet- however good the reason in my mind- I have to follow my feet. I have to move forward with testing & treatment. I don't think we will get pregnant otherwise. I will find a way. I know that I have to. It's just to hard to not have this work anymore. It's too painful to think that there could be a reason. no matter how much I hope that it works, I seem to ~know~ that there is something not quite right. I need to figure out if my hunch is correct or not. After a very hard year I really wanted a little miracle, but I think that I will have to make it happen. My heart can't keep waiting for it to happen on it's own.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)