and so it begins

we are done. this morning was a bit hectic. i got up early so i could make some coffee, shower, get ready & walk the dog so the hub only had his one task to do this morning. he was definitely feeling the pressure. i had to go sit & wait in the car so as to not add to the pressure. as he got in he disclaimered that it wasn't much. he then raced to the clinic- despite the fact that it's only 25 minutes away & we had the hour to get it there. but we were running a little late for our 9:15 appointment & he wanted everything to be perfect. it was touching & a little scary to see that intensity of purpose in him. it's usually me that is the crazy control freak every month & to not be there & see it in him today was just another surreal experience in this most surreal month.
so we get to the clinic & i bring the sample cup- wrapped in a washcloth under my shirt- in. and i see what he meant by not much. then i have to wait until they call us- the entire time thinking that it won't be enough & we'll be told to go home & try next month. this is seriously the only time i have been nervous all along. and the poor hub. he was so nervous he was clammy! they finally call me back- it really was only maybe 15 minutes- to look at the screen & heck out the sample. in the tech's words- 'your sample is crazy awesome. we usually like to see one or two zipping around in there, but you've got 15-20.' so i gave the hub a high five right there! he had earned it.
after checking that my name & information was correct on everything we were let into our room. they heat the end of the table & they keep the speculum's ina heated drawer- quite nice! the hub stayed up by my head as the lovely woman tried & tried to get the catheter in. she asked if i had ever given birth (which was surprising because i know it's in my chart that i haven't) & then asked if they ever had me cough during any of my testing procedures. she went on to explain that she was threading the catheter through the cervix, which is roughly 5", & it's a bit like a corkscrew. apparently mine is more twisty than some others & it was being difficult. she tried 3 different catheters until she finally got it in. what a weird feeling it was when it went through. i really can't describe it except that it was like a little pop with a whoosh & a cramp. before she got it she apologized for it taking so long, but considering i've never had an iui before i wouldn't have known the difference, and that she would get the other woman if she couldn't get it. she did say that it's not the reason we haven't gotten pregnant- just a quirk of my anatomy making her work a little harder & that she would rather take her time & get it right since we are dealing with 'liquid gold'. it wasn't painful or any more uncomfortable than a pap- so she could have taken a half hour if it meant everyone getting where they needed to go.
she did get it within 5 minutes or so & then it was pelvic tilt with my knees up & heels together for about 5 minutes or so. i had some minor cramping, but nothing even close to the hsg. we were out of the office within the hour of showing up. i was surprised at how quickly it went.
we stopped for breakfast & then my mother-in-law called. the hub shocked me by telling her exactly what we were doing, an almost blow by blow account. he is very very private about our infertility & i thought he really hadn't said much to his parents, but apparently they knew this was today. she thought we were doing ivf, so he explained what an iui is & then let her know that no- i am not pregnant now, we need to wait to find out in 2 weeks. i did have to let the hub know that we are only looking at maybe a 25% chance of this working this month. i have only one egg- which decreases the chances some, but he had a 'crazy awesome' sample- which increases it. i just hope we're in that lucky quarter.
speaking of which- i go in for 7dpiui bloodwork next week, but the week after that i am to take a pregnancy test- they do not do a beta unless you get a positive. so now i just need to decide when to start testing.
oh- and i will need some distracting! at least until 10 dpiui...any help would be as greatly appreciated as all the wonderful & supportive comments have been so far!

iui 1, cd3 report

i am going to be keeping track of all my appointments here- and any questions, clarifications, etc. that i have throughout. since this is my first (& most likely only for a good long while) actual treatment cycle i want an overachieving record. i also have to wipe the egg off my face- this is cycle 20. not cycle 21. i somehow jumped myself forward... i guess they really are starting to blur together!

i arrived 15 minutes early this morning & had my favorite vampire draw my blood- i swear this woman is the only one who turns my highly visible, but very finicky, veins into real gushers! without pain & such minimal bruising no less! i then had to wait while every other woman who got their blood drawn AFTER me got called in for their u/s first. a half hour later i go back. to wait some more. finally the doc & nurse come in. this was my first time seeing this doc- there are 4 at the practice. mine (i only claim ownership because he's the one we saw at our consult) is dr. diagram- he did my hsg. the other is dr. comedian- he did my hss. this was the only woman doc in the practice, she was nice, but very brisk & to the point. she pointed out my ovaries- which looked 'perfectly normal'. i have 5 pre-follicles on the right & 6 on the left. no cysts. i don't know about my lining- i didn't see or hear her take any measurements of that. she explained the clom.id challenge cycle & what they do & test for. which i of course have known for months & months now, but i don't mind hearing it again.

i asked about turning the cycle into an iui & of course it's no problem. they wrote me a script for the cl.omid (generic is fine too) and one for a trigger shot. they then had me get my pants on & i went to the little office with my nurse to discuss timing & protocols.
the nurse was very nice- i generally like everyone at the clinic, which is good because i am paying them enough- they better be freaking nice! i am to take 50mg 2x day starting sunday to thursday, then into the clinic for bloodwork & u/s on saturday (friday being a holiday of course!) then they will decide when to see me again for follow up u/s to monitor my progress & time the iui. once i have a mature (22mm) follicle, they will trigger me & schedule iui for the next day (i think the next day- it could be 2 days after) i will be using a sick day at work, but am undecided as to whether to give my manager the heads up. i really don't want everyone to know what i am doing because it's just more pressure on me in what is destined to be a cycle with a hell of a lot riding on it already, but i don't like calling out pretending to be sick. i have at least a week & a half to think about it though. i'll come up with something.

i have to try to get earlier appointments. i was almost 20 minutes late to work in a eek when we have been asked to clear our personal schedules so we can meet deadlines. i am of course meeting those deadlines, but i still feel bad being late.

i did make sure that the hub can produce his sample at home & we can bring it in as long as it's with in the hour. i knew he could, but that was his only reservation about doing the iui. oh yeah- that & it's more money for a slightly higher chance when he really wants a guarantee. (wouldn't we all?)

so my next appointment is 8:30 am on saturday the 5th. until then i will be a pill popping hormone raging (hopefully not!) soon to be (?) mama.

to answer a question from m- i am already taking a b12 every night in conjunction with my prenatal. i have been taking it for about 2 months now & i am hoping that it was just a fluke due to stress. it has been a really stressful time lately. i have never had any issues with my lp, except for some minor fluctuations. i went from a consistent 12-13 days to a consistent 13-14 days. so i'm really hoping for a fluke. especially with how sore my boobs get- that points to high progesterone, right? oh- anther question answered- i am not getting put on p-supplements. since this is really the test cycle to find out if i have the problem they aren't doing anything more than monitoring, cl.omid & a trigger. oh- and sending the boys on a ride they'll never forget!

questions i want to ask at my next appointment are about the rate for multiples, my follicle count of course, my fsh results (i will get today's either tomorrow or monday. it should have been today but nurse nice didn't call me & my phone died midway during the day) and when i can expect the next u/s. also if they encourage bedrest (or taking it easy) the day of iui. i will probably just do that anyway. anything else i should ask about?

oh- and to end on an oh-so pleasant note- i of course have to wear a pad today & since i had no more tampons anyway i just bought those last night. i freaking hate pads! i know that they are supposedly 'better' for you, but i can not stand feeling this gross & funky all day long. even the super thin suckers feel like i have a cardboard diaper on. uck.

***before you go- a silly question- if my instructions on the script say take 1 (50mg) pill 2x a day does that mean morning & night? could i take 2 pills at night? will it mess shit up? i am going to try to call & ask tomorrow, but it being saturday i am not sure they will answer. it's only one day & if i don't hear from them i will probably just do morning then night, but it's be nice to know!

i am seriously the toughest b*tch i know- part 2 (updated)

i was feeling pretty confident this morning as i left for my hsg. when i got there there was a little screw up in that apparently the re's office never sent me my paperwork i needed, but since they're in the hospital they just called over & no problem. i went back & changed into my lovely gown- naked from the waist down again of course, & admires how nicely the blue gown went with my killer black patent stiletto boots. i sat down to wait & the woman from yesterday was there too. she struck up a conversation with me about prenatals because hers make her ill, then we kept chatting about the hss yesterday, our hubbies & just general testing/if bonding. it was rather nice to talk to someone face to face who obviously knows why i was there & could relate in person. there was another woman waiting, older- probably mid 50's, who turned to d. (the other hsg testee) & asked her how far along she was. she had obviously mistaken our part of the conversation about poking & prodding & how we should just get used to it as we'll be poked & prodded for 9 months after this. i felt so bad for d., but she just said "how far along am i in trying to get pregnant?" which was the perfect response. the woman got an 'a-ha' look & said oh!- you're trying! she wasn't being mean, but i did feel the teeniest of heart stabs...

then they called d. back- i followed in 5 minutes or so. walked into the room to see my re- dr. happy (not the final nickname- i'm still a little stumped!) he greeted me with a very warm & genuine 'jenn-e-fur' (imagine a little bit of an accent, somewhat french, even though he does not speak with any accent at all). we've bonded since we are both hungarian. there was no waiting around- i hopped up on the stirrup less table (!) and it began. at first i thought not too bad- definitely worse than the hss, but bearable since i knew it would be fairly quick. then the dye started, then i felt something really weird & heard "uh-oh" as the catherter literally popped out. insert speculum again & try to get catheter back in. ouch. not working. fumble around a few more minutes. this really sucks. get smaller flexible catheter. poke & prod (literally) for at least 2 minutes that feel like a half hour. oh. my. god. make. it. stop. finally get catheter in & begin dye. at least that's a different kind of uncomfortable pain. look as pretty black stuff goes nicely through the lefty & spills out perfectly! yay! righty was a little slower, but spilled just fine too. double yay!!!
dr. happy was very nice, very apologetic, & i could tell he was being as gentle & quick as he could with the circumstances. he asked me not to hold it against him & he hoped we were still on speaking terms after that. i told him to give me a few days, but i'd get over it! as soon as it was over & everything was out i felt pretty good. a little cramping for maybe 2 minutes after, a lot of icky liquid staining the back of the gown (you know you needed to know that!) that made the walk across the hall & into the women's changing room (packed by the way) oh so fun. but one massive diaper/pad later & back into my clothes & i felt much better. i was back to work & a-okay within a half hour.

it wasn't the worst pain- the exploding kidney will always take that honor, but it was far from pleasant. i certainly don't want to repeat it. ever. oh- and the reason for the catheter difficulty was a little bump on my cervix that apparently wasn't there yesterday for the hss. dr. happy kept asking me if anyone ever said i had a tilted uterus- which of course freaked me the hell out for a good minute, but thankfully i don't. it's most likely just an irritation from yesterday & who can blame my poor girl for acting up. she's certainly been put on the spot these past 2 days. i'm sure she's a little pissed. let's just hope she gets over it in time to let some swimmers in...


*update- i got a phone call this afternoon with the hub's results. all is good with both of us. the quick numbers are (with RE office's 'normals'): volume- 3 (they like to see over 2). count- 165.9 mil (they like to see over 20 mil- go hub!) motility 94% (they like to see over 50%). & morphology- 11% (they ideally say 14%, but the lovely nurse i spoke to said that they really like to see anything over 6-7%). nancy explains morphology to me- so i hope she doesn't mind me linking to her to explain it far better than i ever could!
essentially this all means that as of this moment we are unexplained. we have the post-coital test & possibly the clomid challenge test, but i guess we're in a wait & see kind of pattern right now. i'm thinking a few months of trying on our own & saving up & then it's IUI time...

i am super tough- part one

this morning saw me getting up bright & early before 5:30 am (eek!) to get ready & out so I could get to the surgical center by 7:15. I was 10 minutes late, but it was no problem. What I wasn't expecting was the $150 co-pay they expected. I tried my flex-spending health account card- but it was denied. the lovely admin woman said that she will have a bill sent so i could figure it out & maybe still use my flex spending. i have to say that i really really like this hospital & 98% of the people that work there. and that encompasses emergency room, the RE, the surgical center, the admin staff, the x-ray department & the billing department. i digress- after a short wait i was called back to prep. blood pressure, here's your hat & gown- i got to keep my boots on though making quite the stylish entrance into the surgical suite. the doc & nurses were all great & joking around with me. i was still a little nervous, but the doc asked a woman in recover to let me know what she thought since she had just had the procedure done herself- i found that both odd & reassuring. odd in that we all know why a woman has an hss & it was a sort of decloaking- "hi- meet your fellow RE patient". but after i was done & she was leaving she wished me luck on my way out- which was rather nice actually.


the procedure itself took all of 3 minutes. it was more time to scoot my bare ass on the rubber sheet & get the boots in the stirrups & then get back out of them afterwards than anything else. normal pap's seemed to take longer. everything looked clear- i even have take-home photos of the inside of my hoo-ha to scar the future kids with. how's that for a baby book entry?! they warmed the speculum & the blanket they draped over me- which were both much appreciated. i really didn't even get any cramps at all- just one very minor one when the water was drained. all in all- a breeze! let's hope the hsg is as easy- i know that's the big one...

oh- and the hub dropped off his sample on time with no problems. i hope we get all our results quickly![ and to answer some of the questions- i wouldn't be telling my manager about the infertility testing or anything like that- just something basic like: " i'm having a series of tests & procedures, nothing life threatening or that will hamper my ability to do my job- i just want to give a head's up that while i will be trying to schedule them for as minimal an impact as possible, i may need some flexibility on time in the office. and i'm not interviewing for any other jobs!" we have a pretty informal relationship & i know she won't press for more info, but i am also hesitant to put it out there at all... i'm probably going to wait & see what the results say before i cross that road.

nerves of rubber

tomorrow is my hss. it has really snuck up on me! besides being fairly insane at work with a deadline & dealing with the hub's job crazies & trying to figure out how long we'll have to scrape by, i also drove down to see my fols & sis this weekend. it was a nice little visit & i returned my dad's car, but it was a very short & not at all relaxing weekend.

i was supposed to pick up my antibiotics prescription when i got home on sunday- but i was too tired to even remember it. in fact i didn't remember it until about 8pm last night. so i missed my first does, but since it's a precaution (i think) i should be fine. i have to be up by 5 or so tomorrow so i can leave my house by 6:45 to get there by 7:15- a full hour & 15 minutes early!!! why i need to be there so early is beyond me, but if it gets me done & out sooner i'll be happy. i'm already missing work for thursdays hsg (which between you & me is the one i'm more nervous for!) and i will have to stay late (again) to make up for it.

i haven't figured out yet whether or not to have a chat with my manager about this stuff- i'm only going to most likely miss more work & i really don't want her to think i am a slacker or interviewing elsewhere. i'm sure she'd be understanding & she really wouldn't push me to know more than i am willing to tell, but i'm way too tired to get into any conversations about the fact that i am missing work for infertility testing- especially not the manager who has the most adorable 18month old little girl- who was born right when we started trying.

i am rambling. i'm nervous. i never wanted to see this day & i really don't like the idea of anything being shoved up my hoo-ha, especially not while i am awake & have an audience. thank goodness i don't have to pay for these because that would really drive me nuts!

i'll be sure to update tomorrow afterwards, but it probably won't be until later in the afternoon.