these boots are made for walking

the forward march has begun- two days in to temping & i have to remember to buy opk's soon. the more i empty my heart on these pages & to the friends who know & care- the better i start to feel. when i look back i don't even think i can count myself at cycle 9- the first one was not at all timed well & is only a technical ttc cycle since we didn't use protection. i just need to stop whining- suck it up & keep going. it's bound to be soon statistically & if it's not then at least i can say that i gave my body a full year to recover from surgery before starting to freak out (too much).

besides- i am a little ashamed at how impatient & weak i feel i have been recently. there will always be people who get things very easily as i struggly for them, but i will and probably have been that person for someone else. i can not feel sorry for myself based on someone else's life. now- i can feel sad & frustrated that i seem to have to struggle for things at times, trying for a baby being the hardest thing i have ever gone through. but i should not lose sight of who i am and what i already have in the process. it is so easy to do- i find myself wrapped up in the self-pity of not getting pregnant, of the struggle & heartbreak. so much that i take my husband for granted, i forget to be myself & enjoy the life that i am lucky to have.

now- i am not demeaning the struggle. trying to conceive is the hardest, most emotional experience of my life. and i am so far one of the lucky ones with no known problems or roadblocks to overcome. as far as i know my husband & i are perfectly healthy with a standard 20-25% chance of conceiving our child every month. it's just possibly taking us more time than we originally thought. i see my friends, women who continue to go through heartbreak & struggle every month after years and i am ashamed that i have complained- even if it is only to myself- of how hard it is for me. i can be stronger than this. i can be myself again, be positive & happy.

i just need to remember this more often, make it stick. ttc sucks, but in the end i can't think of anything more worth it.