i hate this crap

i haven't been trying to have a baby all that long- really no time at all in the grand scheme of things. but my heart breaks every single month & i feel so bleak about the prospect of ever becoming a mommy. yet it is the one thing in my life that i can say with certainty that i want more than anything. theone thing i will never give up on- no matter how much it hurts or what i need to do to get it. my brain says one thing, but hearts just not there. i know that i still have plenty of time to get pregnant naturally, much less explore other options- of which there are a plethora. but i feel like it is a neverending uphill battle. even though i am only at the botom- just seeing the distance to the top has me weary & wanting to quit. and yet i can't. i can't just give up & i probably never will. like the man crawling from the desert after being stranded for weeks- i will push on through because i know no other way. but is my life, my personality changing in the process? i wish i could turn back the clock emotionally & regain my hope & my positive outlook. my assurance that i will get pregnant, i will be a mother. it has left me at the moment.

and yet- i move foward. this month i begin temping/charting again & i am about to buy opk's for the first time. i will put one foot in front of the other & go through the motions. surround myself with non-pregnant friends & no babies for a bit. maybe my heart will switch gears and sunny skies will return. then again- maybe not. -my mother just recently told me that my grandmother tried for 9 years (yes-years) before having her 3 daughters. is there something hereditary in my family that i should look for- i don't know!
my sister- ever the voice of reason - reminded me that my grandfather was in wwii for a few of those 9 years, so we really shouldn't count them. thanks jess!
my heart is automatically thinking the worst as my brain tries to reason with it. why can i not make them see eye to eye?!


some good news: i am being sent to get LEED certified for work. i will be the only designer at my job with this certification which means that any clients that want to have their projects be green & certified- i will have to work on it. great news because i am passionate about green design, and i will get to work on really cool projects! oh- and the fantastic job security. additionally i am also in charge of handling all our standardization. that's actually quite technical & boring, but hey- at least they think i can do it!
the shop is starting to pick up & be more consistent & tom is joining a gym. i have lost almost 10 pounds & only have another 10 to go to a good weight- not my all time ideal, but a good one none the less. so hopefully by the time i get my positive attitude back i will be smoking hot with my greek god husband, get a raise because i am the most knowledgeable person in my office, & then i will get that second line & life will be absolutely perfect...