i just got off the phone with my cousin. a normal- should be happy holiday phone call has me feeling like the biggest asshole piece of shit. my parents are visiting with them tonight & my dad is helping my cousin's 3 year old son build his train set downstairs. all i can picture right now is my dad never getting to be that happy- that involved- with his own grandchild. he should be, he deserves to be. what if i don't get to see that happy little kid grin on his face as he helps explain something to my child... just the thought of it has me heartbroken.
fuck. this time of year is supposed to be about warm feelings, hope, family, & love. all i can think right now is how do i hold it together. how do i not turn into a pile of mush when my parents stop by on their way home tomorrow. how do you find the lost hope you once had. how do i claw my way out of this depressed hopelessness i seem to find myself stuck in. how do i look forward when i am not sure that there is anything to look forward to. i feel like i've come to the end right now. it's time to move on to the next step, but my heart's not in it. i am literally stopping myself from being able to have hope that the next step will even help. i will still take it, i am slowly narrowing down the myraid choices of RE's that living in a somewhat major metropolis affords me, but i am not happy about it. i don't want to need this fucking step dammit.
i didn't want to have to have my kidney out either & i remember having a fraction of these feelings when i found out it had to happen. i know it's all normal & okay to be angry & sad that things haven't happened like i wanted them to, but it doesn't make it easier to go through right now. especially not at the holidays. they used to be such happy times, some of my best memories center around thanksgiving, christmas, new years. the hub & i got married 8 days after new years- the horticulture center where we had the wedding was decorated with poinsettas & twinkle lights. i thought it was a magical place & a magical time. this year it isn't. and in the long run it's okay- it will be okay. i am sure that tom & i will be parents (fucking wonderful ones at that) but the waiting is really starting to get to me.
my heart has been waiting for almost 2 years now. february (or early march) of '06 we started having the "we should have kids" conversations. then the kidney happened & i had to wait until that was resolved. now we've waited for the standard one year of actively trying, complete with charting & temping & opk's. it is time for next steps. what if i have scar tissue from my surgery- even though it was laproscopic & minimally invasive- there is still a possibility. what if we have male factor. what if's drive me nuts so testing sooner rather than later is definitely something i will do, but just like when i first found out that i was apparently broken with the kidney- i have this knee-jerk reaction that i don't fucking want to do this. i don't want to have to be fucking strong. i don't want to have to got through anything else- even if afterwards i know how glad i will be that i did it. and based on the last time i felt this way- i will be so happy i did it when it's all said & done, but just like then it's going to take a while to be happy i did it.
well- i am saying goodbye to 2007. it seems fitting somehow that it is with tears & bitterness. don't get me wrong- i am fighting my way back (however slowly & painfully) to the hopeful happy cheerful person i was last year. so for me the tears & bitterness are more of a release. i just hope i get all the bastards out soon. i want to look forward & i want to be hopeful. isn't wanting something & knowing it half the battle...
so for 2008 i have the following resolutions (in no particular order):
1. i will be more healthy. my recent physical shows i still have borderline high cholesterol (even though it has gone down by 9 points). so i will eat better & exercise more. i am also taking the popular oatmeal challenge. first bowl this morning for breakfast. my hope is that a healthy me= happy me= pregnant me.
2. i will not only narrow down my RE choices & make an appointment, but i will be as proactive a patient as you've ever seen. i will exhaust all the possibilities racing around my overactive head & hopefully eliminate scar tissue, MF, progesterone issues. i will also call my insurance company as manny times as i need to to ensure that what i think is covered is.
3. i will be a better friend, sister, daughter, wife. i will leave my own pity party & focus more on the lives around me. for too long i have wallowed in my own problems & forgotten to pick up the phone & ask about another.
4. i will get my husband to quit smoking. now- i know this is really not my resolution to make. but i will do all that i can to support & help him as he tries to quit for himself. if this means filling his head with the knowledge that quitting smoking may help us get pregnant (as real or imagined as it may be) i'll do it. i will also shamelessly refuse to kiss him after smoking & tell him how sad i would be if he wasn't here. i know he needs to want to quit- but i will be relentless in letting him know how much I want him to quit.
5. i will appreciate what i already have. i know this has been a reoccuring thought of mine, but i will try very hard every day to be thankful for how great my life already is. despite the hardships i have it really good. i need to remember this more often.
6. i will make really good beer. (this is really just because my sis got me a mr. beer kit for christmas 2 years ago, with a refill last year- i just made the refill today. hopefully it's still good. but if it's not i will get another kit or recipe & make some really good beer. because i like beer & i love making it.) i will also bake & cook more because that also makes me really happy.
i think that i can actually keep all of these resolutions- at least most of them. even if i can't, trying has to count for something...
so goodbye 2007, let's hope that 2008 is kinder & better for all of us.
5 comments:
Yes, yes, and yes. I get you on so many levels (I have MS, and husband has 1 kidney, hence so sperm) and a variety of other junk.
We actually are home brewers also. We recently tried chocolate stout because I luv luv luv Youngs Double Chocolate Stout, and no, it didn't turn out even half as tasty. Then we made my dad a IPA for Christmas and boy are we hoping it improves as it ferments in the bottles. The brown ale and hard cider we made (for ourselves of course) turned out good.
As each holiday season passes I get more and more in a funk. I used to love the holidays too and now they are a reminder that Christmas is for the kids we don't have. Oh boy that was depressing.
Last month was the first month I added acupuncture to my fertility regime. If you want a name she's on Walnut between 15th & 16th. I've also been seeing a counselor who specializes in adoption and inferility and it really helps.
I am lucky enough to have a few people around me who really get it, my sis, a college girlfriend, my best friend from forever, & an amazing friend from work. They are all wonderfully available without ever being pushy & I have not heard any assvise from them!
And he hasn't smoked inside the house in at least 6 or 7 years. I even made him stop in the car 2 years ago when I quit. He slips up on occasion, but I know he really is trying!
trace- we are attmepting an irish stout. we'll see how it turns out - i have my doubts right now. and I would love love love to incorporate accupuncture. it is unfortunately not covered by insurance & therefor I think I have to wait a bit. I'm going to start with the RE (it's down to about 3 choices now) and go from there. I am pretty sure that right now we can only go so far due to $$ with an RE, so acupuncture may come before IUI's...but I will have to see how it all pans out.
and I didn't know that 1 kidney= no sperm! I do know it = my career as pro-wrestler being gone ;o)
I feel ya on 2007 not living up to its expectations. Close to midnight last year, hubby actually said his new years resolution was to get me pregnant. Well that didn't happen despite our best efforts!
Great resolutions and let's hope 2008 brings what both of us want.
Yes. Fuck 2007. *Excuse the rough language but it just seemed to be the exact right sentiment*
Anyhow, I'm so sorry you're feeling all this stress right now. I know you read my recent post, so you know that I am right there with you.
I know how much it sucks to have a partner that smokes (the only difference is that I still smoke). It is so dang hard to quit with H still smoking. I make it several weeks without, and then he comes in from smoking and it hits me at just the right moment, and I can't resist. I have tried so hard to get him to quit with me. His first excuse was that he wouldn't quit while he was still writing on the dissertation... and he finished the diss and defended back in May of 2006, so wtf is the hold-up now? Uh, according to him, he just doesn't want to quit yet. Arrrrgh!
Your list sounds very reasonable, and I definitely wish you luck with convincing the husband to give up the cancer sticks (my friend ever so quaintly used to call it "giving death a blow job"... interesting...) Oh, and best of luck with the beer. I'm a huge fan of the brew myself (and used to make wine at home), but I've never taken the steps to make my own.
kaye- I used to go out with a friend who always invited me by saying "let's put another nail in the coffin". fun, huh.
It is harder for them to want to quit I think. My personal theory is that they have a harder time stopping because they are more selfish by nature or biology (I haven't figured out which). I know the hardest part for me was feeling like I was missing out on social interactions by not smoking. He has problems because he misses the smoking itself too much. Plus he equates having a cigarette with relaxing, and he desperately needs to relax sometimes so quitting becomes a stressor in & of itself.
That's why his quitting is on my list- I feel it is my wifely duty to figure out how to help him want to quit. which is tough, but should be interesting. And I have told him that stopping smoking can improve his sperm count. so we'll see if that does anything.
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