goodbye 2007, don't let the door hit ya on your way out.

i just got off the phone with my cousin. a normal- should be happy holiday phone call has me feeling like the biggest asshole piece of shit. my parents are visiting with them tonight & my dad is helping my cousin's 3 year old son build his train set downstairs. all i can picture right now is my dad never getting to be that happy- that involved- with his own grandchild. he should be, he deserves to be. what if i don't get to see that happy little kid grin on his face as he helps explain something to my child... just the thought of it has me heartbroken.

fuck. this time of year is supposed to be about warm feelings, hope, family, & love. all i can think right now is how do i hold it together. how do i not turn into a pile of mush when my parents stop by on their way home tomorrow. how do you find the lost hope you once had. how do i claw my way out of this depressed hopelessness i seem to find myself stuck in. how do i look forward when i am not sure that there is anything to look forward to. i feel like i've come to the end right now. it's time to move on to the next step, but my heart's not in it. i am literally stopping myself from being able to have hope that the next step will even help. i will still take it, i am slowly narrowing down the myraid choices of RE's that living in a somewhat major metropolis affords me, but i am not happy about it. i don't want to need this fucking step dammit.

i didn't want to have to have my kidney out either & i remember having a fraction of these feelings when i found out it had to happen. i know it's all normal & okay to be angry & sad that things haven't happened like i wanted them to, but it doesn't make it easier to go through right now. especially not at the holidays. they used to be such happy times, some of my best memories center around thanksgiving, christmas, new years. the hub & i got married 8 days after new years- the horticulture center where we had the wedding was decorated with poinsettas & twinkle lights. i thought it was a magical place & a magical time. this year it isn't. and in the long run it's okay- it will be okay. i am sure that tom & i will be parents (fucking wonderful ones at that) but the waiting is really starting to get to me.

my heart has been waiting for almost 2 years now. february (or early march) of '06 we started having the "we should have kids" conversations. then the kidney happened & i had to wait until that was resolved. now we've waited for the standard one year of actively trying, complete with charting & temping & opk's. it is time for next steps. what if i have scar tissue from my surgery- even though it was laproscopic & minimally invasive- there is still a possibility. what if we have male factor. what if's drive me nuts so testing sooner rather than later is definitely something i will do, but just like when i first found out that i was apparently broken with the kidney- i have this knee-jerk reaction that i don't fucking want to do this. i don't want to have to be fucking strong. i don't want to have to got through anything else- even if afterwards i know how glad i will be that i did it. and based on the last time i felt this way- i will be so happy i did it when it's all said & done, but just like then it's going to take a while to be happy i did it.

well- i am saying goodbye to 2007. it seems fitting somehow that it is with tears & bitterness. don't get me wrong- i am fighting my way back (however slowly & painfully) to the hopeful happy cheerful person i was last year. so for me the tears & bitterness are more of a release. i just hope i get all the bastards out soon. i want to look forward & i want to be hopeful. isn't wanting something & knowing it half the battle...

so for 2008 i have the following resolutions (in no particular order):
1. i will be more healthy. my recent physical shows i still have borderline high cholesterol (even though it has gone down by 9 points). so i will eat better & exercise more. i am also taking the popular oatmeal challenge. first bowl this morning for breakfast. my hope is that a healthy me= happy me= pregnant me.
2. i will not only narrow down my RE choices & make an appointment, but i will be as proactive a patient as you've ever seen. i will exhaust all the possibilities racing around my overactive head & hopefully eliminate scar tissue, MF, progesterone issues. i will also call my insurance company as manny times as i need to to ensure that what i think is covered is.
3. i will be a better friend, sister, daughter, wife. i will leave my own pity party & focus more on the lives around me. for too long i have wallowed in my own problems & forgotten to pick up the phone & ask about another.
4. i will get my husband to quit smoking. now- i know this is really not my resolution to make. but i will do all that i can to support & help him as he tries to quit for himself. if this means filling his head with the knowledge that quitting smoking may help us get pregnant (as real or imagined as it may be) i'll do it. i will also shamelessly refuse to kiss him after smoking & tell him how sad i would be if he wasn't here. i know he needs to want to quit- but i will be relentless in letting him know how much I want him to quit.
5. i will appreciate what i already have. i know this has been a reoccuring thought of mine, but i will try very hard every day to be thankful for how great my life already is. despite the hardships i have it really good. i need to remember this more often.
6. i will make really good beer. (this is really just because my sis got me a mr. beer kit for christmas 2 years ago, with a refill last year- i just made the refill today. hopefully it's still good. but if it's not i will get another kit or recipe & make some really good beer. because i like beer & i love making it.) i will also bake & cook more because that also makes me really happy.


i think that i can actually keep all of these resolutions- at least most of them. even if i can't, trying has to count for something...

so goodbye 2007, let's hope that 2008 is kinder & better for all of us.

can i have the real kranzels

we're off to the in-laws tomorrow morning for christmas. tonight is a friends housewarming-christmas party. there will be little to no internet use at the in-laws *yikes!* so i hope everyone has a very merry holiday.

i've been baking cookies for my friend's party & for the in-laws. they are a bastardized version of my mothor's famous traditional slovak cookies that have been made at christmas in our family for generations- vanilie kranzel. i don't even know the actual recipe but i do know that the wafer thin light sugar cookies filled with raspberry preserves & dipped in sugar are divine. so i made ghetto kranzels- store bought slice & bake sugar cookie dough that i try to get as thin as possible, but still never really works. the spread with raspberry & dip in superfine sugar & at least the taste is somewhat close. the presentation leaves much to be desired.

as i made these cookies last night i remembered helping my mom with them & how much i loved it when she would start to make them- at least 3 weeks in advance. (i don't know how but that wait just makes them better!) it started off christmas. once these cookies were started we knew we could start the countdown & the excotement. plus my mom would tell us stories about her grandmother. i miss those stories as much as the cookies. but what these thoughts led to was the fact that i want to be the one to pass this tradition on. it solidified another reason why i want to have my own child so badly. i want to continue this chain of cookies & stories. and i want it now. i want a christmas full of magic that i create for my child. anything else feels a little like a ghetto kransel- still sweet, but not quite right.

37829% jealous

last night a group from work went to visit a friend of the firm's & her 3 week old son. he is so perfect & sweet & chubby & smelled so wonderful. as great as seeing & holding a new baby is- i was surprised that i didn't have any flare ups of jealousy at all. he was just too perfect for that. and i think that any time i hold a new baby (any child really, but new babies have a special magic all their own) everything else kind of goes away. it's just about enjoying that moment.

my manager brought her 1 year old over also. this girl is seriously the best. i've known her since she was 4 days old & she is a loveable little imp. she has the best expressive face & she is walking & babbling now. her mom wanted to hold the new baby & she was a little difficult with that- but i played with her & occupied her with my camera & camera bag. by the end of the night i was carrying her around & she gave me a bear hug- the one where they throw their head on your shoulder & bury it in- and a kiss. i totally melted. for me- that sums up perfectly why i want this so bad. what in the world could be better. and if i had that for a fleeting moment with a child i only get to see on occasion- just imagine the love of your own.
as much as the moments i am with kids make me so happy-as soon as i left i bawled on the way home because i don't know if i am going to have that in my life. i hope i do. i hope i do soon. but what if it's just not in the cards. i was convinced that i would either have it already, or at least be pregnant & looking foward to it, by this time. it's just really hard to look forward with hope right now.
and i am waiting to see if i am babysitting another manager's kids tonight. if i'm not i will be so disappointed, but i am also pretty sure that if i do i will cry again tonight when i leave. what a catch 22, i love hanging out with kids- they make me truly happy. i need extra money & i am a great babysitter & would love to do that. but as soon as i leave all i can think of is that my destiny could be to be the eternal babysitter- always borrowing the love of other's children & not knowing that of my own.

p.s.- my horoscope is a little frightening today- especially because i AM driving about 40 minutes to babysit!
If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations are on your mind, which may keep you from giving your full focus to the tasks that demand your attention.

today's doings

cd28, 10 dpo (or 11 if i am correct in my assumptions), temp up just a little higher still, and 2 housewarmings to go to.

keeping my mind occupied comes in waves & goes far away while asleep. i remember my very vivid dreams normally- so that's not new, but the crazy sex dreams are. as well as the multiple baby dreams every night. usually my dreams are a release, a santuary from ttc. but this week they have been all baby all the time. a few nights ago i had a great big beautiful bump. last night i was telling this random super hot guy that my hubby & i were seperated because we couldn't have kids. then we got it on.

weird. oh- hubby also had some weird 'indecent p.rposal' thing going on where he gave me away for money. i yelled at him for it when i woke up. he laughed at my silliness.