apparently all it took to get af here was a six hour tour of the mall with my sis, aunt & uncle, and then getting stuck in traffic on the way home. i still don't know if i had a day 16 ovulation- it could have been day 18 for all i know. but it doesn't seem to matter much right now. not much does. except that beautiful bottle of red that my aunt got me for christmas.
*yes- i will be calling for appointments on monday. i have to come to terms with the fact that we probably just can't do this ourselves. which i was totally ready to do until hope came along & fucked with my head so much. which is why this entire process sucks so much. as soon as i come to terms with having to take the next step, my research is done & my decisions are made- here comes what i think HAS to be a pregnancy but is actually some freak 13-15 day lp complete with neverending sore boobs and fatigue. now we get to find out if there actually is a problem- which is a good thing- but we may not be able to do much more- which sucks beyond belief. but that's monday. tonight is about getting fall down drunk & crying. a lot.
edited to add:
I get a daily horoscope & tarot card e-mailed to me (inspired by my friend Nancy). I thought today's tarot card could have meant one thing this morning- but looking at it again I think it's something completely different.
"The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero's heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I'll never know until I try.
It's the last line- I will never know until I try. So enough dragging of my feet- however good the reason in my mind- I have to follow my feet. I have to move forward with testing & treatment. I don't think we will get pregnant otherwise. I will find a way. I know that I have to. It's just to hard to not have this work anymore. It's too painful to think that there could be a reason. no matter how much I hope that it works, I seem to ~know~ that there is something not quite right. I need to figure out if my hunch is correct or not. After a very hard year I really wanted a little miracle, but I think that I will have to make it happen. My heart can't keep waiting for it to happen on it's own.
13 comments:
Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry.
The good news from a failed cycle is you had a strong LP. I think you did O on cd16 and you sustained a nice LP. And from the sore boobs and tiredness, both signs of high progesterone, proves also a strong corpus luteam. Which, means that when those little men do find the eggie, it will be well supported.
Of course, none of that will make you feel better right now. But believe me, once you do get a BFP, this little tidbit will make you feel better beyond belief.
thank you Nancy- I do ~puffy heart~ you so much!
You are so right that right now at this moment it doesn't make me feel one bit better- all I can see tonight is dark storm clouds & gloom- but I know me & tomorrow- or the next day- I will feel batter about haveing a 'normal' cycle. I was worried about my lp (a little) and progesterone levels (a little more). I just hope we don't have to get those swimmers maps...
I'm so sorry hun ((huge hugs)) Enjoy that bottle of red.....
Kat- the hub decided that I needed something a little stronger than the red & is making whiskey sours. I tend to think he's right on this one.
Oh, man. I'm really sorry. I was pulling for you. As you know, I'm right there with you. And I do think that I secretly hoped that I would be one of those freak cases that stops trying and ends up knocked up, which, of course, is not the case. I appreciate your support on my recent post. Very nice to know someone else it there with me as well.
I think you should take as much time drinking as many whiskey sours and bottles of red wine as you need. Red wine, especially, just has a way of soothing the soul.
So sorry Jenn. Let me know if you have anymore questions about local RE's or acupuncturists - or, if when the time comes you have any questions about what to expect from treatment. It totally sucks - and I hope you have some answers soon.
crazy things to get in a silly horoscope, isn't it?
I'm glad you are going to go forward. Hopefully you will find nothing wrong, which will be aggravating as all hell, but at least there will be nothing to fix.
I don't know what was more aggravating for me. The first time, I was given the Dx of "unexplained". But now, I was given a real issue and having the chance removed so we could "fix" it sucked even more.
Anywho, I'll be behind you every step of the way.
MMM... I bet that whiskey sour was good.
I hope some sunshine is on the horizon for you. Yay for Nancy knowing what's what.
I'm sorry that bites. Where have you decided to go? Good luck w/all your decision making.
Trace- I am going with Abington- I really liked the hospital & urology dept with my kidney- & I know that's where I'd like to give birth. Plus it's close to both work & home- or at least convenient to both. Of course I got swamped at work & will have to call tomorrow...
Oh- and I've heard good things & like their stats & dr. backgrounds- I just realized it looked like I picked an RE based in the OB, which would be silly & a little backwards!
and once I do get the appoinment am sure that I will be picking everyone's brain for advice on the first few visits & what to expect!
If you made as many appointments as excuses, you'd probably be pregnant by now!
Jenn - I asked my RE about the kidney thing. He asked me lots of questions on why you lost your kidney and the health of the one you have and he seemed shocked that I didn't know the answers, yet was asking this for you.
Bottom line, if your remaining kidney is healthy, you should get hCG passed through in the same time frame as you would with 2 kidneys.
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