*disclaimer- this is a woe is me pathetic & pity filled post. if you want to wait for my usual bubbly self come back tomorrow.
1. when the hub told me he was depressed because he hadn't sold anything yet today & he thinks he's a terrible salesman. on day 3 of his new job as a salesman which he's never done before.
2. when i came home & saw not one, but 2 adorable toddlers under the age of 3 on my front lawn & realized they're not my kids maybe they won't ever be. (obviously i know these particular children will never be mine, nor would i think they would be handed over upon seeing how magically i interact with small children)
3. walking in the door after spending 10 minutes with said adorable little boy watching him alternately run up to my dogs & wait to get kissed by them & throwing himself down the teeny little slope in my front yard and feeling so low & hopeless. i want to see my kids playing with my dogs.
4. not knowing if we are in for another month, 6 months, year(s) of waiting.
5. getting my period & realizing that i will not be a mother in 2008.
6. realizing that as sad as i am, the hub is also devastated this month since he is now 150% invested in starting a family. (i would put him at previously 100% mentally invested, 75% emotionally & about 70% physically)
7. feeling my sore ass boobs not getting any less sore even though they usually at least ease up a day before my period.
8. calling for my day one (postponing the clomid challenge cycle another month) and finding out my fsh at last month's day 3 was 4 which is normal. so now we know almost definitely that there is no reason we can't get pregnant. this makes me feel even worse while feeling reassured at the same time.
9. realizing that my 'full' feeling the past few days is just bloating & my expanding ass, not in any way baby related.
10. the fact that i am this sorry for myself after 'only' 16 cycles and absolutely no treatment cycles. this makes me cry for everyone else (and myself too for being such a pathetic whining p.o.s.)
11. realizing i forgot to pick up wine on my way home.
what made me smile today?
- my little mandog is happy
- my little girldog is insane
- i have chocolate (my last vice to give up- i have now cut out caffeine completely, except of course for the chocolate, and i only have a few glasses of wine when the dreaded af shows up)
7 comments:
The not knowing! God, the not knowing is the worst... Compounded by the bills, the desperately wonderful spouse who doesn't think nearly enough of himself, those damn boobs and the neighborhood baby brigade.
You best drag your bootie out for a glass if you forgot the bottle. Poo-poo on this cycle.
Well, if I start up in a few days we can ride the next 2ww together:) I can read the headlines now: "Two women in Philly ovulate, then wait"
"Falling off the roof" is a drag. I am sorry it happened to you this month.
Yech. I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. I hate seeing small children because I just want so much for them to be MINE. But of course I can't run around stealing people's kids. I'm thinking that would be bad.
As for being a pathetic whining pos, you're not. I don't think there is a finite amount of IF pain to be handed out.
I sometimes feel like an ass with my constant whining about how I can't afford to have a baby right now and then feel guilty because we at least know what the problem is and we're not wasting money and hope on months after month of IUIs and meds and so on. But you know what? I still don't have a baby. So I'll probably keep complaining until I do.
And something that I hope makes you happy is that you have made me really happy. Even if I end up not going to C**per or staying with you, the fact that you offered made me cry. It's nice to know that people don't suck.
Blah. I am sounding weird and making little sense. I'm off to get some coffee.
Sounds like a crappy day hon. I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I have days like this too when AF shows up. I know the dread. I know the feeling of "is this ever going to happen?", and feeling like the answer is so uncertain.
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Somehow, the babies never bother me, but the toddlers always get me. Suck.
I wish I could muster a good pep talk for you, but it would come across as insincere at best. Just know that I fully empathize with you.
Awe, Jen I'm sorry everything is so rough right now. Not that I'm a drug pusher, bu have you considered trying Clomid? Your gyn can prescribe it and it's pretty cheap (24.00 at Rite Aid and who knows it may be cheaper at Wal Mart).
We say the same thing about Josie. She loves kids and is so gentle around babies. She doesn't even chew their toys. It's like she knows they aren't hers.
My therapist is starting an inferility support group if you're interested (it's not that close fo you), but Resolve does have one listed in Montgomery County whereas I live in DE county.
I know people are always making suggestions.... eek. So I hesitate to, but when you mentioned the length of your follicular phase, I really felt for you. That is a long wait!
A friend of mine treats me with acupuncture. She works with a lot of women with fertility issues. She has done AMAZING things for me with my migraines (I don't get then at all anymore, well, maybe when really stressed.)
Point is, she just started a Community Acupuncture Clinic with treatment cost based on a sliding scale ($15-$35). You pay what you can. I have really struggled to afford treatments in the past, so this is amazing. Anyhow, she might be able to help tighten up your cycle a bit. Just a thought. Here is the website:
http://www.barefootclinic.com/
((hugs)) hun. I'm so very sorry....
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