i am here at having tried for a baby for ever closer to two years with absolutely no success. i had such high hopes for this cycle. i saw changes from acupuncture. i felt really good. even with a timing snafu i thought we did really well. now i am starting to think that it's just not meant to be. it's a little thought, not one that i am dwelling much on, but it is there. i can feel the despair, hovering around the edges, waiting for a crack to appear in my armour. i can feel it, but i try not to. i am so afraid that it is truth, i would rather have this intense high & low of hope & crash than that.
i am getting far ahead of myself- i know. 19 months is not all that long to try naturally. i do know that we will need help. the more time that passes the more i know we can't do this alone. but what crushes me is that we have to save up for months for a few chances that are considered the beginning steps to treatment. i have to learn to let the myth of a 'natural' pregnancy go. it's not for us. i really would be fine with that, if we didn't have the past year of financial drain behind us. it's not a good place to start from- in fact (given the exorbitant prices of my clinic) it is NO place to start from. we are stalled at yellow. no diagnosis to move forward from, but no new step that might work to look forward to. it's getting old & it's getting draining and i'm getting tired.
i have to admit though- i brought this on myself. i had a moment on sunday when a thought popped into my head that if it meant this cycle failing for me in order for my friend to get some great news & have a wonderful rest of her pregnancy, i could handle that. and i meant it. so while i do feel dragged down & dejected for the moment, i know that yet again i will pick myself up & start over. it's what i do. i don't know how to stop that & even if we can't move on right now, we won't stop trying. and hey- i can always find a bright side- i really didn't have cramps this month. and my temps did get a much more normal pattern to them. so maybe.... (there she is again, just begging to come back in...)
*disclaimer- if my rambling tonight makes no sense, please forgive me. i am 'celebrating' this new cycle with an enormous vodka tonic. fuck the wine- i needed something a little stronger.
5 comments:
oh sweetie. I am so bummed for you. You don't give yourself enough credit. 19 months is a long time. Clinically, perhaps not yet exhaustive, but mentally, it must feel like an eternity. I just wish there was something I could do, something that I could say that could help you.
I have to remain positive about your symptoms - your regulating temps and your cramplessness. These are both good symptoms. I am just going to keep with the idea that you are moving in the right direction. And even if eventually you do the cl.omid challange, your body will be in tip-top shape for it.
Thinking about you. Enjoy your gin and tonic. You deserve it.
{{{hugs}}}
I already said it all in the batcave, but again - love.
Woohoo for the vodka tonic. You've earned it my dear.
Next time I see Hope, I'm going to punch her in the kidneys.
You know what, 19 months is a damn long time. So it's okay to feel badly. Sure you haven't been able to move on to ART yet, but that isn't because you do not want to. If anything the financial obstacles make things even more difficult because you can't do what you want to so badly.
I'm so sorry, hon. I hope this all changes for you and very soon.
Jenn, I'm so sorry that this wasn't your month. I think that 19 months is a long time. At least it is long enough to introduce terribly overwhelming feelings into the pregnancy journey.
I hope the changes that you are seeing with acupuncture are signs of the good things to come. Even if you do need treatment, you know that you are giving your body the absolute best chance at success.
*Hugs*
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