maybe the hormones are finally receding, or maybe my weekend of cuddles with the hub has smoothed me out a little. i am feeling a little better today. and i can see myself feeling a little better tomorrow, etc, etc. i am trying to adopt the attitude of just dealing with the moment. i can't change what has happened or what will happen. but i can make decisions to make now a better, more enjoyable time.
that said- i dyed my hair. nothing major- not a permanent color since my hair sucks up the 6 day stuff for about 6 months- but i needed a change. i'm trying to let my hair grow & be long & healthy, but i have always changed my hair often. so not doing anything has been driving me nuts! on a whim i decided to pick up a nice light red brown. the hub let me know he always liked me as a redhead & i agree. i am pale & even with a full day in the sun can't really get tan. i get freckles & red hair looks good on me. i just hate the upkeep. but since i'm not pregnant, i don't see myself getting pregnant anytime soon, i might as well do things for me every now & then.
i am also thinking about taking the motorcycle class offered to all state residents. my friend teaches it & the hub really wants me to learn so we can go out together. i will probably start very small & slow with a scooter of some sort to get used to the two wheeled life, but after saying i would do it & putting it off for over a year because i thought i would get pregnant any month & it would be a waste, i don't want to put things on hold anymore. i am trying to face the fact that i am infertile. i can not get pregnant. it really sucks & it really hurts, but hurting & crying doesn't change it. while i wait to be in a position to actually do something about it i might as well enjoy my life again. and i need a hobby. i would love to have something the hub & i can do together. imagine us packing up our packs & jetting off with our matching helmets to explore the countryside on $10 worth of gas. i am nervous right now because i have no clue how to ride & his bike is way too powerful for me to learn on, but the class provides little 150-200 cc bikes to learn on & a scooter or a small bike is not expensive. it may not be until the end of summer, but at least i will have something to occupy my spare time so i am not dwelling on what i don't have anymore.
and who knows what the future holds- i may get what i want this month, or next year, or ten years from now. but do i really want the time in between to be so desperate, so filled with heartache & sadness? i want to be able to focus on something else for a while- something like a life. i will always have hope that we will be parents (and hope it is soon) but i can't do anything else to try to make that happen right now. and it's the not doing that kills me- the lack of control. but- since i can't change that right now i will keep doing what i can, and leave the rest out of my mind as much as possible. i know there will always be moments where i need to cry & vent & it will all be too much- but that's what this blog i for. if i let it out here i can keep the rest of my life a little happier. i just need to keep reminding myself that even if i can't control my reproduction (or lack thereof), i can control my own attitude & outlook. and i so want to be positive & happy. if i work hard enough at it, it just might happen...
5 comments:
Oh yes! Take the motorcycle class! I want to take it, but I'm too scared. Mostly that in my ghetto, somebody would push me off my bike and take it, but still.
life goes on. i think we all hit the pause button the moment we start TTC - and it is often a mistep. I have a lot of regrets about loosing the last year and a half of my life.
I would LOVE to learn to ride!! I think it is a really great idea...
I'm glad you're feeling back to yourself (or at least a little better than you were). With infertility, I think we do sometimes need to just take things with a deep breath and remember that all we have to do is survive this exact moment right now.
And good for you for dyeing your hair! I finally quit coloring about 2 years ago, and I'm just now to the point where my natural color is almost completely grown out. My hair is so much darker than I remember it. It's weird.
And I wish H would take a motorcycle/scooter class, 'cos then we could get a scooter and he could use it for quick errands, or to take himself to and from school, etc.
I have really enjoyed having the attitude that I'm going to live and enjoy my life, despite my infertility. It has opened so many doors, and has left me feeling like there might be a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I hope your hair color and motorcycling can do the same for you.
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