of the longest year. today is the day before summer. the sun will be out longer today than any other day. there is very little sunshine right now though. this is the slightly overcast period, where i can almost start to see the parting of the clouds, but it's not quite there yet.
i am still waiting, waiting for what i am sure is another useless cycle to end so i can finally start something approximating a treatment. waiting for my crazy life to slow down just slightly so i can finish reading this motorcycle permit book & take my test. the hub may have gotten me a bike tonight. an '83 harley from his buddy who has outgrown it. i think it's way too much for me. it's heavy, it's a lot of metal, it's loud & really tough sounding. i look fucking hot on it. but it needs a lot of work, so maybe by the time i am ready it won't be that much bike for me. we shall see... he also said he'll paint it, but he was thinking a hammered copper frame & black gas tank & parts. i am not so sure. i see more hot pink, or acid green, or golden orange. i want something fun & kind of cute, kind of sexy, kind of bad. perhaps i should learn to ride the fucking thing first before i think about how it looks (and more importantly how i look on it!)
our work summer party is tomorrow & i am kind of looking forward to it, but kind of dreading it all at the same time. i remember so clearly that last year's party came at the tail end of a really hopeful cycle. i was so confident i tested early because of the party. that day was very hard. negative test + getting lost on the way there + lots of beer as i played flip cup for the first time ever at 27 = very emotional day. i don't want a repeat & i'll only be 8 dpo tomorrow so i am trying to just not give a fuck. this whole cycle i have thought i was out before it was halfway over, so i am trying to continue that. but i am feeling bloated (slightly) and slightly crampy & my fucking boobs (take them away please!) and all that combined with what could possibly maybe someday look like a dip around 6 dpo are totally fucking with my serene 'i don't give a shit'ness.
because next month i do the challenge & this month i get my motorcycle permit so i can ride with the hub. i have a huge milestone (friend's daughter's first birthday) to be un-pregnant & wistful for. i have to keep my IF armour up for a few more days/weeks/months (please god no!).
i noticed that i have the sailor mouth a little bad right now- this may be a record number of fucks in a post of mine. i blame the long days. and the infertility.
-by the way, i was asked by someone this week when 'it would be my turn' after a coworker brought her kids in. i was about 3 seconds from responding:
-whenever i get that cash windfall so i can pay thousands of dollars for invasive fertility treatments, or pay to open my entire life to scrutiny so i can adopt. or maybe when someone up there decides i rank higher than a crackhead or a sixteen year old so a miraculous natural conception finally happens between my husband & partner of 12 years. sorry i can't be more specific than that, my completely unexplained & unfair infertility prevents me from an accurate timeline.
luckily i held back because i probably would have regretted it later. especially because i don't advertise & try very hard to keep this to myself. and i know they don't know & couldn't know & i would really hate to make someone feel uncomfortable like that when it can be explained so much more openly to start a conversation. but i'm not brave enough to really talk about it yet, so my gut reaction is angry & bitter & try to shrug it off & walk away. maybe someday i can be completely open with everyone i know & meet, but that day is not today. it's hard enough being so open to caring & wonderful friends...
**update- so i did not get the permit yesterday- the day got away from me very quickly. but i did take the practice test & got 20 out of 25. it should have been 21 out of 25, but i didn't read one carefully enough. so if i can get home before they close i will go this week, but by next saturday for sure!
the party was really nice, good food, good drinks, good relaxing time! i really enjoyed myself & had no moments of thinking about anything IF.
my sister is sending me money to borrow for the challenge. hopefully i don't need it (but i am pretty sure i will) i told her to send a check on the off chance, but i should be all set by next friday. i expect my next cycle to start next saturday, which will put monday at day three, tight fit for my extremely busy work schedule, but very doable.
8 comments:
Well, ~of course~ it's overcast. It's SEATLLE!!!
Woohoo on the bike!! But really? Hot pink, acid green or orange? Are you living in the 80s? Ack! I think it'd be hot as black and chrome. Or something fucking badass.
I would have answered your coworker. I would have taken that opportunity to educate her on how asking those kinds of questions are not appropriate. I would have tried not to make her feel bad, as that isn't my purpose, but hopefully after I was done, she wouldn't ask those types of questions without knowing her audience. Something like "I would like to keep this private, but we have been trying for almost 2 years. It really breaks my heart when someone asks me a question like that, so just to let you know, I wish it was my turn next, but until then, I ask that you don't remind me." But you know how I am with eductating people about infertility! I know not everyone wants to talk about it.
About this cycle, why are you so down on it? Do you have any reason why you would think that it's so useless? I see you go through the same cycle each month - you say how you aren't going to have hope and just let it happen. then you talk negatively about the cycle. Then you get hope and then crash. Do you think you talk negatively about it to try to bury any upcoming hope? Or maybe as a defense mechanism so if it does fail, you already "knew it"? The latter is what I did. Remember my IVF/FET cycles? I was all "I'm not going to kid myself and think this is going to work" so when it did fail, I could say "yeah, I already knew that". Such classic Nancy. I think that's why I used to test so early too. Although I am not lying at all in the aspect of testing early helps the hope go slowly, littel by little each day, so when the crash came, I didn't have far to fall - but I think I LIKED to get negatives so I could set myself up for the failure I expected. So when I got the 14dpo failure, I could say "Yeah, I knew it." ---- Not that anything you do is wrong! Just wondering what you think is your reason of doing it.
I love you kid - you know that. I hope your ork party brings you some happiness!
Oh, Jenn! It's so hard and the unexplained thing is so upsetting. I know it was always my worst nightmare and now here I am.
Good luck at the party. More and more I find social gatherings difficult. I always end up clutching my wine/beer and huddle w/the men instead of the women who will be discussing their children, babies, etc. I hope it's not too painful for you.
Oooh, post a pic of the bike, you cool, stylin' biker babe!
heh- Nancy, I am all over the board with colors! What I think I really ant is more of a retro 70's bike & i was going to get one, but then this friend's bike just happened last night. it is not a cool 70's bike & i am now thrown by what color to paint it! it's more bad-ass than cute & i kind of wanted cute. maybe a warm copper orange with rust red, black & chrome? I'm not sure yet!!! (it's black & chrome now & looks way to heavy & manly for my tastes)
and about my coworker- they are a man & about to leave. I also know that my job is extremely small & if i 'come out' to one i pretty much come out to all. and i am definitely not ready for that! i know everyone would probably be very supportive, but i just don't want to go there yet. it's a lot all at once. to my job'scredit- he's the only one who has said something like that in over a year. the conversations are much more existing children-centric & that i can actually handle because i love those kids!
and your comment is perfect- i am living in Seattle right now!
Oh- and I am going today to get the permit- so I will hopefully have a chance to post when I hopefully pass!
And I plan on having a great time at the party- now that I am in my second round of going through things as still not pregnant- still trying, I am trying to do them differently this way around. (maybe next year is when I start my educational rant?)
The bike isn't mine yet, but if it does become mine I will definitely post a pic!
I think what you are feeling is so blsndly normal when it comes to IF. THe ebbs and flows are what kill us yet make us push through it all too.
I am sorry you are having such a sailor day too. Those are the days I don't need to leave the house for fear I will not be able to control my mouth.
(((HUGS)))
Whatever, I think the pink or orange or lime green would be hot. Nancy clearly doesn't know that the 80s are the new retro cool. :)
I understand the work/co-workers thing. I love my boss and all the guys I work with. But I just don't know if I could talk to him about it without turning into a basket case. And I don't know if I want to deal with his pity or questions or offers of help.
Oh! Hope you got your permit you badass you!
Dude. I totally would have let loose on my co-worker. But I'm a blabbermouth. And (as evidenced in my last comment) I have a tendency to speak my mind if something irks me.
And I'm glad to hear that you're able to move forward onto the Clomid challenge test. That's good news (any forward movement is good news!). Yay!
I'm just amazed with you ladies who have the balls to ride a bike, Black, orange, pink, what ever.
And I'll bet you do look fu*ing Hot on that bike. Congrats.
About the co-workers, I'm like you, I say nothing, I just give the infertility speech in my head, but keep a smile on my face. I'll have a little hope for you this cycle even if you try not to have none, I don’t like Miss. Hope messing with you, so I'll keep her over here. However I get what you’re saying about your chart, its not fair to have so many signs point to something so hopeful, feeling all the while "I've seen that before" and expecting the usual outcome. (((hugs)))
I love watching the clouds part and sun peak through. Makes the rain worth it.
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