this is the invitation i got for a friend's daughter's birthday. this little girl represents a lot for me. her mom & i were very close friends- until she got pregnant while i had started trying. our relationship was strained by my jealousy as she got bigger & cuter & i still wasn't getting pregnant. i take full ownership of the rift. despite the fact that i tried to explain why it was hard for me to be as excited as she was every day when the baby was moving, or when she brought in the 3d ultrasound, it felt personal to her & she felt unsupported. which i will regret for the rest of my days. of course- my situation wasn't any easier to go through, but i wasn't even infertile then- just having some trouble dealing with things taking longer than i thought they would. (and honestly thinking that it was unfair that she got there first. i actually thought how difficult it would be when i got pregnant with her as we work together. ha.ha.ha.)
the day her daughter was born i was late for my period- which i got the next day. the day she was baptized i was on my 11th cycle- also late, i got it right after we walked into the church. her birthday is a reminder that i have been trying now for more than 18 months- her birthday is a reminder of everything that i want with all my heart & still can't have. a reminder of what i hate the most about being infertile, about having to deal with these ugly emotions that really can't be controlled. she is a reminder that with time, things do heal & friendships can go back to something approximating their former closeness. but it's never really the same.
this little girl reminds me that i can love a person, a child, a friend, separately from the pain that i have from seeing them given what i struggle for. i am reminded that i got dealt a shitty hand, but it has nothing to do with this little life. i am reminded that i have to put on the big girl panties, brave the stores & get over my own shit to celebrate with my friend. and hopefully one day we will be able to really talk about that period of time as our kids play together, but even if that day never comes- i am reminded that i have a friend who wants me to celebrate with her, because it's really not about me...
3 comments:
What a pretty invitation - it's so perfectly princessey. I want to have a princess party!
You really capture perfectly that uneasy place that infertility puts us in with our fertile friends. Good luck putting on the big girl panties.
That last paragraph was beautiful Jenn!
You are braver than I am. I have been hiding under a rock for nearly a year and a half, avoiding friends, pregnancies and babies. Good for you for even considering putting in the effort.
I was talking with a dear friend who lives far away the other day. She reminded me that a friend is a friend. And the best of those relationships can survive an awful lot. Time flies fast - when you are raising kids or trying to get pg. Either way, I hope your friendship can overcome your withdrawl. I also hope that your friend can be sensative to your feelings. They are real, and they deserve to be acknoweged.
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