his first time

today i asked the hub if he was excited about saturday. he said anxious was the more appropriate word. then he said that he wouldn't even get any relief for 2 weeks from this anxiety.

he's about to enter his first 2ww & i don't think he can handle it. lucky for him i am oddly calm (at least right now) and he can drink. (now- he's not a big drinker ever- he rarely drinks & when he does it's the girlie drinks at home & a vodka cranberry when out- i seriously married the most butch & manly punk rock metro boy ever!) i am being very strict with myself & not having a drop after the iui. i usually don't drink during the 2ww, but there are times when i say fuck it- especially when a special occasion pops up or a really dejected day happens. not this month- even though i personally think it's fine to enjoy a drink or two while whiling away the wait (how's that for alliteration!) but i want there to be nothing to look back on & wonder. that's why i am trying very hard to let everything just wash right over me & i will be not partaking of any alcohol or coffee past tomorrow. just so i can't say 'but if i just...'

the hub is another matter- this cycle will be hard for him. i am already resigned to this not working (but still oddly hopeful that it just might) but he is giving this the 'last chance' status. the one thing he said that broke my hart right in two was last night when he turned to me & very softly said "if this doesn't work.... i don't know" with this look of fear & desperation & sadness. he NEVER shows emotion (other than frustration) and certainly doesn't talk about it. he's gotten better, but he still won't talk about fears. i know he wants this as much as i ever have. he is fully invested & i just hope that he never has to feel the true crash of the 2ww. i know whatever i feel at the end of this cycle (if there's an end to this cycle... see- there's that hope!) it will not compare to what he feels. i am seasoned in heartbreak. i know how it feels to watch your friends move forward with the one thing you try so hard to achieve & still feel left behind. i am used to this. he is not. i fear i will have to support him at the end of this & that really scares & saddens me.

thank you to everyone for all the positive thoughts & good wishes- they really have been helping so much! i am still trying to cram a lot into my upcoming 2ww- i am going with friends to see the new batm.an movie in full i-max next week. this weekend is not only the iui, but my friend's daughters birthday party. then i have jury duty & just need to fill up the rest of that last week.
anything you can send me to occupy my time & take my mind of the wait will be greatly appreciated. dirty jokes, funny stories, meme's, confession thursday's, whatever! i'll take it.

since i figured out how to post via cell phone- i will definitely update tomorrow & saturday after the clinic visits- & i HAVE to remember to send a picture from the clinic. don't get too excited- it's not what you think!