my last post- the best post!- was number 222. That's my mom's absolute favorite number, hmm.
i of course poas this morning to see that little plus sign again- it's still there, visible now from the first 30 seconds. i will pee on my last test tomorrow & then decide whether to get more (probably not) or just wait until i enter beta world. i had blood drawn yesterday, but my insurance sucks for some things & it needs to be sent out- which means i hear my first # the day i get my 2nd draw on monday. and i hear how they rise by wednesday, maybe? it's slightly nerve-wracking, and very strange. i dreamt last night that yesterday's number was 39, and that for some reason the test i peed on gave me a number today of 31. which of course had me freaked out & i woke up so nervous about seeing the line at all! what a relief- even if it's just a small one- to see the second line sooner & darker this morning than yesterday. I know pregnancy can be one giant freak out- and i am feeling it already!
the hub is being very cute- not letting me drive (aaarrggh), not letting me close the hatch of the subaru as we do our errand shopping today. oh- also very cute is the fact that he refuses to have sex because he doesn't want to jostle anything out of place! ridiculous! (this entire paragraph is all sarcasm, by the way)
i am a little touched by how sweet he is being to me, all machismo aside- he hasn't even really made fun of me for completely passing out 2 nights in a row before 9 pm on the couch. he does feel a little better too about seeing the darker line today. i am just hoping to make it through to the betas & see them rising well.
i am wondering when i will stop feeling like i have to check for blood every time i go to the bathroom. it is very surreal & such a strange feeling. other than my fatigue & random very light cramps i have no symptoms. no sore boobs, no nauseau, i feel full faster or don't feel like eating as much- especially for dinner, but i think that's more because of the exhaustion. the lack of boob soreness was really the clue for me that this may have worked- i always have incredibly sore boobs starting at least 3 days before i get af. i realized on thursday that they didn't hurt a bit & that was so unusual that it got me all hopped on hope. i can't believe she didn't sucker punch me this time. i was so prepared to be crying & self-medicating with delicious organic beer this weekend. it's just surreal to not be there- i can't seem to wrap my head completely around the fact that i am in fact pregnant! i have a due date too- well, one based on my iui anyway- april 4, 2009. an aries. i am debating putting a widget on the blog- they are slightly creepy, but i kind of like it anyway. maybe after the betas.
oh- one last thing, i know there's many ways to handle a blog that goes from IF to pregnancy & i just wanted to say that i will most likely not be posting any warnings or 'pregnancy mentioned' type posts. i completely understand if someone can't stop by or comment or stops reading altogether. i will be a little sad, but i get it. there are many blogs that i just could not continue to comment on or read once they got the bfp. and i really really do get it, but i am blogging more for my own personal record of this journey & will continue to post in my usual brain purging manner ;o) i hope my small group of readers continues to come by & share in this new terrifying & exciting part of the journey- but i really do understand if you don't/can't.
that said- thank you again for all the wonderful support & comments- especially these last few months (& this past one in particular!) i really am so blessed to have seen today & no matter what the future holds this miracle has made me so grateful, so happy, so surreally peaceful. thank you for helping to prop me up when i needed it & cheering for me when it all went so beautifully!
Showing posts with label iui#1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label iui#1. Show all posts
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
still calm- for now
all is still quiet & zen on the homefront. after a really nice long chat with my pal nancy last night i realized i never went into gory details about the visits up to the iui. here's the recap:
on friday when i went in for my scan i had one follie on the right at 20 that the tech was very excited about. i never did get my lining measurement, but was told that everything looked textbook perfect. i did have another follie on the left at somewhere around 15mm, but she really didn't focus on it & told me i had one perfect follie. perfect was used a lot & i really liked hearing it! she looked at my estriodal (?) levels from the day before- said they rose wonderfully & she wouldn't be calling me unless something really wacky came back from my bloodwork that day.
i then got pretty much dressed & back she came with the trigger shot- which honestly scared me a bit. despite the fact i have 2 tattoos & countless piercings- i can not look at a medical needle going into my skin & the thought of it gives me the willies. luckily it went in my ass. she did warn me tat i would be sore & the rest of the day sitting at my desk was very difficult. but it was a nice little reminder of what was to come!
so- after talking with nancy i realized that there was a possibility that the follie on the left was able to mature & release too. i had mainly only felt twinges & ovulation on the right, but late on saturday into waking up on sunday i did feel a whole bunch of something on the left. i never really thought about it since i figured that i only had one follie, but maybe... more targets for the 'crazy awesome' sample to find! let's hope anyway.
one thing i have been doing to keep myself occupied (poltzie- i will get to that meme, i didn't have my computer last night & wasn't home until after 8 on monday!) is crocheting. i am not very good- all i have ever made before are hats & scarves. but i am trying to challenge myself & decided to try a sweater. and since i'm distracting myself after an iui- why not a baby sweater, right? i figure- if it sucks i can take it all out & make something else. if it doesn't i can maybe keep it & use it. if i can't then i know plenty of people having babies that i can give it too, or a sweet little girl to dress up her baby doll. it keeps me a little hopeful, but occupied- which is the perfect mix for me. now- i've never ever attempted clothes before & it s nowhere near perfect- the arms & shoulders are a little weird, but here's my first attempt:
it's definitely girlie & the photo is not great at all (it's early & i don't feel like setting up a good shot!) but it's a dark orange & cream & i even hand made little 'buttons' & crocheted button holes in too. i think it's cute- but i am mostly proud of myself for figuring it out. i can't read the crochet instructions for the life of me which is why hats, scarves, & blankets are more my speed! i think next i am moving on to a blanket, i'll post it after i am done if it's good. i have a ton of yarn & hours of not wanting to focus on phantom symptoms ahead of me. and again- if this doesn't work- i have at least 7 pregnant women in my life who could get it as a gift!
speaking of which- kind of- the hub is very anxious this cycle. he asked again when i could test last night. i finally had to tell him that i wouldn't even consider it before next thursday so he needed to stop asking me so i didn't get anxious too! he is feeling this 2ww & feeling it bad. it's sweet & heartwarming, heartbreaking, & scary all wrapped into one. i think our attitudes have swapped a la freaky fri.day. i am now of the 'hey- if it doesn't happen now it will happen eventually & we'll just keep trying & doing what we can' mindset. he is now in the 'this absolutely has to work & i can't imagine what we will do if it doesn't' mindset. it is bizarre to be in his shoes as i am sure it is to be in mine. i hope he doesn't crash too hard & i hope i keep my new attitude- even with a failure/negative. but we will just have to wait & see.
on friday when i went in for my scan i had one follie on the right at 20 that the tech was very excited about. i never did get my lining measurement, but was told that everything looked textbook perfect. i did have another follie on the left at somewhere around 15mm, but she really didn't focus on it & told me i had one perfect follie. perfect was used a lot & i really liked hearing it! she looked at my estriodal (?) levels from the day before- said they rose wonderfully & she wouldn't be calling me unless something really wacky came back from my bloodwork that day.
i then got pretty much dressed & back she came with the trigger shot- which honestly scared me a bit. despite the fact i have 2 tattoos & countless piercings- i can not look at a medical needle going into my skin & the thought of it gives me the willies. luckily it went in my ass. she did warn me tat i would be sore & the rest of the day sitting at my desk was very difficult. but it was a nice little reminder of what was to come!
so- after talking with nancy i realized that there was a possibility that the follie on the left was able to mature & release too. i had mainly only felt twinges & ovulation on the right, but late on saturday into waking up on sunday i did feel a whole bunch of something on the left. i never really thought about it since i figured that i only had one follie, but maybe... more targets for the 'crazy awesome' sample to find! let's hope anyway.
one thing i have been doing to keep myself occupied (poltzie- i will get to that meme, i didn't have my computer last night & wasn't home until after 8 on monday!) is crocheting. i am not very good- all i have ever made before are hats & scarves. but i am trying to challenge myself & decided to try a sweater. and since i'm distracting myself after an iui- why not a baby sweater, right? i figure- if it sucks i can take it all out & make something else. if it doesn't i can maybe keep it & use it. if i can't then i know plenty of people having babies that i can give it too, or a sweet little girl to dress up her baby doll. it keeps me a little hopeful, but occupied- which is the perfect mix for me. now- i've never ever attempted clothes before & it s nowhere near perfect- the arms & shoulders are a little weird, but here's my first attempt:
it's definitely girlie & the photo is not great at all (it's early & i don't feel like setting up a good shot!) but it's a dark orange & cream & i even hand made little 'buttons' & crocheted button holes in too. i think it's cute- but i am mostly proud of myself for figuring it out. i can't read the crochet instructions for the life of me which is why hats, scarves, & blankets are more my speed! i think next i am moving on to a blanket, i'll post it after i am done if it's good. i have a ton of yarn & hours of not wanting to focus on phantom symptoms ahead of me. and again- if this doesn't work- i have at least 7 pregnant women in my life who could get it as a gift!speaking of which- kind of- the hub is very anxious this cycle. he asked again when i could test last night. i finally had to tell him that i wouldn't even consider it before next thursday so he needed to stop asking me so i didn't get anxious too! he is feeling this 2ww & feeling it bad. it's sweet & heartwarming, heartbreaking, & scary all wrapped into one. i think our attitudes have swapped a la freaky fri.day. i am now of the 'hey- if it doesn't happen now it will happen eventually & we'll just keep trying & doing what we can' mindset. he is now in the 'this absolutely has to work & i can't imagine what we will do if it doesn't' mindset. it is bizarre to be in his shoes as i am sure it is to be in mine. i hope he doesn't crash too hard & i hope i keep my new attitude- even with a failure/negative. but we will just have to wait & see.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
and so it begins
we are done. this morning was a bit hectic. i got up early so i could make some coffee, shower, get ready & walk the dog so the hub only had his one task to do this morning. he was definitely feeling the pressure. i had to go sit & wait in the car so as to not add to the pressure. as he got in he disclaimered that it wasn't much. he then raced to the clinic- despite the fact that it's only 25 minutes away & we had the hour to get it there. but we were running a little late for our 9:15 appointment & he wanted everything to be perfect. it was touching & a little scary to see that intensity of purpose in him. it's usually me that is the crazy control freak every month & to not be there & see it in him today was just another surreal experience in this most surreal month.
so we get to the clinic & i bring the sample cup- wrapped in a washcloth under my shirt- in. and i see what he meant by not much. then i have to wait until they call us- the entire time thinking that it won't be enough & we'll be told to go home & try next month. this is seriously the only time i have been nervous all along. and the poor hub. he was so nervous he was clammy! they finally call me back- it really was only maybe 15 minutes- to look at the screen & heck out the sample. in the tech's words- 'your sample is crazy awesome. we usually like to see one or two zipping around in there, but you've got 15-20.' so i gave the hub a high five right there! he had earned it.
after checking that my name & information was correct on everything we were let into our room. they heat the end of the table & they keep the speculum's ina heated drawer- quite nice! the hub stayed up by my head as the lovely woman tried & tried to get the catheter in. she asked if i had ever given birth (which was surprising because i know it's in my chart that i haven't) & then asked if they ever had me cough during any of my testing procedures. she went on to explain that she was threading the catheter through the cervix, which is roughly 5", & it's a bit like a corkscrew. apparently mine is more twisty than some others & it was being difficult. she tried 3 different catheters until she finally got it in. what a weird feeling it was when it went through. i really can't describe it except that it was like a little pop with a whoosh & a cramp. before she got it she apologized for it taking so long, but considering i've never had an iui before i wouldn't have known the difference, and that she would get the other woman if she couldn't get it. she did say that it's not the reason we haven't gotten pregnant- just a quirk of my anatomy making her work a little harder & that she would rather take her time & get it right since we are dealing with 'liquid gold'. it wasn't painful or any more uncomfortable than a pap- so she could have taken a half hour if it meant everyone getting where they needed to go.
she did get it within 5 minutes or so & then it was pelvic tilt with my knees up & heels together for about 5 minutes or so. i had some minor cramping, but nothing even close to the hsg. we were out of the office within the hour of showing up. i was surprised at how quickly it went.
we stopped for breakfast & then my mother-in-law called. the hub shocked me by telling her exactly what we were doing, an almost blow by blow account. he is very very private about our infertility & i thought he really hadn't said much to his parents, but apparently they knew this was today. she thought we were doing ivf, so he explained what an iui is & then let her know that no- i am not pregnant now, we need to wait to find out in 2 weeks. i did have to let the hub know that we are only looking at maybe a 25% chance of this working this month. i have only one egg- which decreases the chances some, but he had a 'crazy awesome' sample- which increases it. i just hope we're in that lucky quarter.
speaking of which- i go in for 7dpiui bloodwork next week, but the week after that i am to take a pregnancy test- they do not do a beta unless you get a positive. so now i just need to decide when to start testing.
oh- and i will need some distracting! at least until 10 dpiui...any help would be as greatly appreciated as all the wonderful & supportive comments have been so far!
so we get to the clinic & i bring the sample cup- wrapped in a washcloth under my shirt- in. and i see what he meant by not much. then i have to wait until they call us- the entire time thinking that it won't be enough & we'll be told to go home & try next month. this is seriously the only time i have been nervous all along. and the poor hub. he was so nervous he was clammy! they finally call me back- it really was only maybe 15 minutes- to look at the screen & heck out the sample. in the tech's words- 'your sample is crazy awesome. we usually like to see one or two zipping around in there, but you've got 15-20.' so i gave the hub a high five right there! he had earned it.
after checking that my name & information was correct on everything we were let into our room. they heat the end of the table & they keep the speculum's ina heated drawer- quite nice! the hub stayed up by my head as the lovely woman tried & tried to get the catheter in. she asked if i had ever given birth (which was surprising because i know it's in my chart that i haven't) & then asked if they ever had me cough during any of my testing procedures. she went on to explain that she was threading the catheter through the cervix, which is roughly 5", & it's a bit like a corkscrew. apparently mine is more twisty than some others & it was being difficult. she tried 3 different catheters until she finally got it in. what a weird feeling it was when it went through. i really can't describe it except that it was like a little pop with a whoosh & a cramp. before she got it she apologized for it taking so long, but considering i've never had an iui before i wouldn't have known the difference, and that she would get the other woman if she couldn't get it. she did say that it's not the reason we haven't gotten pregnant- just a quirk of my anatomy making her work a little harder & that she would rather take her time & get it right since we are dealing with 'liquid gold'. it wasn't painful or any more uncomfortable than a pap- so she could have taken a half hour if it meant everyone getting where they needed to go.
she did get it within 5 minutes or so & then it was pelvic tilt with my knees up & heels together for about 5 minutes or so. i had some minor cramping, but nothing even close to the hsg. we were out of the office within the hour of showing up. i was surprised at how quickly it went.
we stopped for breakfast & then my mother-in-law called. the hub shocked me by telling her exactly what we were doing, an almost blow by blow account. he is very very private about our infertility & i thought he really hadn't said much to his parents, but apparently they knew this was today. she thought we were doing ivf, so he explained what an iui is & then let her know that no- i am not pregnant now, we need to wait to find out in 2 weeks. i did have to let the hub know that we are only looking at maybe a 25% chance of this working this month. i have only one egg- which decreases the chances some, but he had a 'crazy awesome' sample- which increases it. i just hope we're in that lucky quarter.
speaking of which- i go in for 7dpiui bloodwork next week, but the week after that i am to take a pregnancy test- they do not do a beta unless you get a positive. so now i just need to decide when to start testing.
oh- and i will need some distracting! at least until 10 dpiui...any help would be as greatly appreciated as all the wonderful & supportive comments have been so far!
Friday, July 11, 2008
very odd feelings
i am not sure how i feel tonight- i feel like i am outside of myself. i have been this way all cycle so far. the whole thing is surreal. i don't quite believe that it's really me that will be having an iui tomorrow. i do; however, have this blissfully calm attitude towards the whole thing. i really do think that this can work. i want this to work so badly, but i don't feel quite as desperate as usual.
further evidence of the strangeness that is my emotions tonight: i had an over 1 hour conversation with my parents tonight. now- i cried horribly (although i hid it) the last time my parents shared some 'family news' that my one cousin was now a dad. i didn't cry- but was so hurt & bitter when the hub told me his friend was now getting married to his now pregnant girlfriend. but tonight- the eve of my one (& possibly only?) iui i am so sureally calm that my mom letting me know that my crazy ass-irresponsible-never talks to me except to give updates about her 8 month old daughter-but still can't support her or the 10 year old she already has-cousin is most likely pregnant again. and the family found out because her poor 10 year old daughter sent a fucking text message to my goddaughter. that's how far outside our tight knit family circle she is.
but the oddest thing is this news really doesn't phase me. i am so far removed from this. it doesn't matter if she has 10 more kids- i will get my one. my baby is out there- just waiting for me & even if it's not now- even if it;s not this year- i am sure that i will have my child in my arms & our family will be complete & perfect. i can face anything because i know it's just a matter of time until i meet my own personal angel. of course- i hope that's sooner rather than later!
yet again- i just have to say a great big thank you for all the positive thoughts & messages. they really do mean so much to me & i would probably not be in this calm zen place as firmly as i am without them.
further evidence of the strangeness that is my emotions tonight: i had an over 1 hour conversation with my parents tonight. now- i cried horribly (although i hid it) the last time my parents shared some 'family news' that my one cousin was now a dad. i didn't cry- but was so hurt & bitter when the hub told me his friend was now getting married to his now pregnant girlfriend. but tonight- the eve of my one (& possibly only?) iui i am so sureally calm that my mom letting me know that my crazy ass-irresponsible-never talks to me except to give updates about her 8 month old daughter-but still can't support her or the 10 year old she already has-cousin is most likely pregnant again. and the family found out because her poor 10 year old daughter sent a fucking text message to my goddaughter. that's how far outside our tight knit family circle she is.
but the oddest thing is this news really doesn't phase me. i am so far removed from this. it doesn't matter if she has 10 more kids- i will get my one. my baby is out there- just waiting for me & even if it's not now- even if it;s not this year- i am sure that i will have my child in my arms & our family will be complete & perfect. i can face anything because i know it's just a matter of time until i meet my own personal angel. of course- i hope that's sooner rather than later!
yet again- i just have to say a great big thank you for all the positive thoughts & messages. they really do mean so much to me & i would probably not be in this calm zen place as firmly as i am without them.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
his first time
today i asked the hub if he was excited about saturday. he said anxious was the more appropriate word. then he said that he wouldn't even get any relief for 2 weeks from this anxiety.
he's about to enter his first 2ww & i don't think he can handle it. lucky for him i am oddly calm (at least right now) and he can drink. (now- he's not a big drinker ever- he rarely drinks & when he does it's the girlie drinks at home & a vodka cranberry when out- i seriously married the most butch & manly punk rock metro boy ever!) i am being very strict with myself & not having a drop after the iui. i usually don't drink during the 2ww, but there are times when i say fuck it- especially when a special occasion pops up or a really dejected day happens. not this month- even though i personally think it's fine to enjoy a drink or two while whiling away the wait (how's that for alliteration!) but i want there to be nothing to look back on & wonder. that's why i am trying very hard to let everything just wash right over me & i will be not partaking of any alcohol or coffee past tomorrow. just so i can't say 'but if i just...'
the hub is another matter- this cycle will be hard for him. i am already resigned to this not working (but still oddly hopeful that it just might) but he is giving this the 'last chance' status. the one thing he said that broke my hart right in two was last night when he turned to me & very softly said "if this doesn't work.... i don't know" with this look of fear & desperation & sadness. he NEVER shows emotion (other than frustration) and certainly doesn't talk about it. he's gotten better, but he still won't talk about fears. i know he wants this as much as i ever have. he is fully invested & i just hope that he never has to feel the true crash of the 2ww. i know whatever i feel at the end of this cycle (if there's an end to this cycle... see- there's that hope!) it will not compare to what he feels. i am seasoned in heartbreak. i know how it feels to watch your friends move forward with the one thing you try so hard to achieve & still feel left behind. i am used to this. he is not. i fear i will have to support him at the end of this & that really scares & saddens me.
thank you to everyone for all the positive thoughts & good wishes- they really have been helping so much! i am still trying to cram a lot into my upcoming 2ww- i am going with friends to see the new batm.an movie in full i-max next week. this weekend is not only the iui, but my friend's daughters birthday party. then i have jury duty & just need to fill up the rest of that last week.
anything you can send me to occupy my time & take my mind of the wait will be greatly appreciated. dirty jokes, funny stories, meme's, confession thursday's, whatever! i'll take it.
since i figured out how to post via cell phone- i will definitely update tomorrow & saturday after the clinic visits- & i HAVE to remember to send a picture from the clinic. don't get too excited- it's not what you think!
he's about to enter his first 2ww & i don't think he can handle it. lucky for him i am oddly calm (at least right now) and he can drink. (now- he's not a big drinker ever- he rarely drinks & when he does it's the girlie drinks at home & a vodka cranberry when out- i seriously married the most butch & manly punk rock metro boy ever!) i am being very strict with myself & not having a drop after the iui. i usually don't drink during the 2ww, but there are times when i say fuck it- especially when a special occasion pops up or a really dejected day happens. not this month- even though i personally think it's fine to enjoy a drink or two while whiling away the wait (how's that for alliteration!) but i want there to be nothing to look back on & wonder. that's why i am trying very hard to let everything just wash right over me & i will be not partaking of any alcohol or coffee past tomorrow. just so i can't say 'but if i just...'
the hub is another matter- this cycle will be hard for him. i am already resigned to this not working (but still oddly hopeful that it just might) but he is giving this the 'last chance' status. the one thing he said that broke my hart right in two was last night when he turned to me & very softly said "if this doesn't work.... i don't know" with this look of fear & desperation & sadness. he NEVER shows emotion (other than frustration) and certainly doesn't talk about it. he's gotten better, but he still won't talk about fears. i know he wants this as much as i ever have. he is fully invested & i just hope that he never has to feel the true crash of the 2ww. i know whatever i feel at the end of this cycle (if there's an end to this cycle... see- there's that hope!) it will not compare to what he feels. i am seasoned in heartbreak. i know how it feels to watch your friends move forward with the one thing you try so hard to achieve & still feel left behind. i am used to this. he is not. i fear i will have to support him at the end of this & that really scares & saddens me.
thank you to everyone for all the positive thoughts & good wishes- they really have been helping so much! i am still trying to cram a lot into my upcoming 2ww- i am going with friends to see the new batm.an movie in full i-max next week. this weekend is not only the iui, but my friend's daughters birthday party. then i have jury duty & just need to fill up the rest of that last week.
anything you can send me to occupy my time & take my mind of the wait will be greatly appreciated. dirty jokes, funny stories, meme's, confession thursday's, whatever! i'll take it.
since i figured out how to post via cell phone- i will definitely update tomorrow & saturday after the clinic visits- & i HAVE to remember to send a picture from the clinic. don't get too excited- it's not what you think!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
12 hours
i will know when my iui is. holy crap. this is really surreal.
for the record- i got my fsh results back. not to toot my own horn, but i always ace every test i take- this is no different. my day 3 fsh was 6. my day 11 fsh (day 10 was the 4th) was 8.
so all this means is that there really is no reason we can't get pregnant. the only thing left would be a hostile environment for his swimmers (hee hee- that would so be the case) and since we are doing an iui it doesn't matter if there was a ph issue. i don't even think that my clinic does the post-coital test, but i somehow think we are simply unlucky.
i am more positive, but still not counting on this working. i just can't see it, but i will hope for it.
(i kind of want to carry a tape recorder playing the Indian.a jone.s theme with me tomorrow- it is now stuck in my head from io's comment below & i love it!)
for the record- i got my fsh results back. not to toot my own horn, but i always ace every test i take- this is no different. my day 3 fsh was 6. my day 11 fsh (day 10 was the 4th) was 8.
so all this means is that there really is no reason we can't get pregnant. the only thing left would be a hostile environment for his swimmers (hee hee- that would so be the case) and since we are doing an iui it doesn't matter if there was a ph issue. i don't even think that my clinic does the post-coital test, but i somehow think we are simply unlucky.
i am more positive, but still not counting on this working. i just can't see it, but i will hope for it.
(i kind of want to carry a tape recorder playing the Indian.a jone.s theme with me tomorrow- it is now stuck in my head from io's comment below & i love it!)
T-2 days- I think
Thank you everyone for the very nice & comforting words on the post below. yes- i do know that she didn't get my baby, or diminish the pool any, but it is the first thought i had- that because she got pregnant (while NOT trying & probably on the pill or something & certainly not married or even planning on it as far as i know....) somehow that means that i won't. which i know is utterly ridiculous- but it is a common feeling. i only indulged it for the afternoon. yesterday i was fighting my way back to my almost zen-like approach to this iui.
it's ironic because just monday afternoon i was commenting to my acupuncturist how calm & relaxed i was with the whole process. it feels surreal-like it's happening to someone else. i am almost completely removed from the process. literally- i just need to show up & someone else is going to work on getting me pregnant. i have already done everything i can (except for one last romp tonight with the hub & perhaps one after the iui) other than that- it's out of my hands. the outcome of this cycle isn't giving me any anxiety- i simply don't believe i am actually doing an iui. someone else is & it really doesn't affect me. i'm sure this very relaxed (hee hee) approach will all change once hit 2ww hell. but maybe not.
the worst part about hearing the news of the hubs friend was seeing his reaction honestly. i'm not all that close with the girlfriend, sure we hang out when we see them- but i wouldn't expect to call her up or go to her shower. they lived on the other side of the country & even though they are moving back to this coast- i still don't expect to see them too often. but this is the hub's first experience with a fertile couple while we are infertile. he never thought of us as infertile until the past few months. and i think it's hit him hard. he couldn't sleep & is now gung-ho on selling every useless item in our house & getting everything done that he can to "get me pregnant" or "get us babies" (he's so sweet, but not so eloquent!), including looking for a better job. it would be very sweet if it didn't also break my heart.
either way- i go in tomorrow morning for what i think is my final scan & b/w before trigger & iui. i think i feel my right ovary. which is really fucking weird. it's like little pulsing sensations. i felt one or two twinges on the left, but righty is much stronger. i swear that i will be right at the point of trigger tomorrow & they will do it there. that means that in two days time- i will be as close to actually getting pregnant as i have ever been- at least in the medical assistance & money spent aspects. if only that's enough.
until then- i am trying to remain/regain my calm peacefulness. and hopefully this will all be worth it very very soon. because i don't really want to think about the alternative of having to put this on hold (art that is- we would never really stop trying)
it's ironic because just monday afternoon i was commenting to my acupuncturist how calm & relaxed i was with the whole process. it feels surreal-like it's happening to someone else. i am almost completely removed from the process. literally- i just need to show up & someone else is going to work on getting me pregnant. i have already done everything i can (except for one last romp tonight with the hub & perhaps one after the iui) other than that- it's out of my hands. the outcome of this cycle isn't giving me any anxiety- i simply don't believe i am actually doing an iui. someone else is & it really doesn't affect me. i'm sure this very relaxed (hee hee) approach will all change once hit 2ww hell. but maybe not.
the worst part about hearing the news of the hubs friend was seeing his reaction honestly. i'm not all that close with the girlfriend, sure we hang out when we see them- but i wouldn't expect to call her up or go to her shower. they lived on the other side of the country & even though they are moving back to this coast- i still don't expect to see them too often. but this is the hub's first experience with a fertile couple while we are infertile. he never thought of us as infertile until the past few months. and i think it's hit him hard. he couldn't sleep & is now gung-ho on selling every useless item in our house & getting everything done that he can to "get me pregnant" or "get us babies" (he's so sweet, but not so eloquent!), including looking for a better job. it would be very sweet if it didn't also break my heart.
either way- i go in tomorrow morning for what i think is my final scan & b/w before trigger & iui. i think i feel my right ovary. which is really fucking weird. it's like little pulsing sensations. i felt one or two twinges on the left, but righty is much stronger. i swear that i will be right at the point of trigger tomorrow & they will do it there. that means that in two days time- i will be as close to actually getting pregnant as i have ever been- at least in the medical assistance & money spent aspects. if only that's enough.
until then- i am trying to remain/regain my calm peacefulness. and hopefully this will all be worth it very very soon. because i don't really want to think about the alternative of having to put this on hold (art that is- we would never really stop trying)
Monday, July 7, 2008
someone talk me down
the hub has been in a funk all day today. he is depressed & i couldn't figure out how. then he tells me that his really good friend called today- this friend we both grew up with, he used to live with, is just moving back from the left coast. with his girlfriend. his now pregnant girlfriend & they are getting married. they were the first people the hub told we were trying. on new year's eve 2006. they will now be parents. and i am convinced that this won't work. because i will have to go through another friend's pregnancy knowing that they were probably on birth control & weren't married- probably not even considering marriage until this. and now they get to be parents. and i have to force myself to be happy for them. when all i can feel is this knee-jerk reaction that somehow they got our baby instead of us. (i know it's silly- but it does feel like this iui is doomed now because of this little piece of news. why can't we get the 'surprise'?)
and i was so calm & positive about this iui too.
and i was so calm & positive about this iui too.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
take two
Today is cd11. I figured out how to post via e-mail from my phone today since the hub took our laptop with him to pick up my laptop.
posting via cell phone was not as successful as i had hoped! take two:
the weekend staff is very sweet & friendly at the clinic. i hadn't met them yet & they were so warm & supportive. i had just said hello to the u/s tech when she says 'we'll just take a peek, see where you are & then work on getting you pregnant!' it was a little too perky & rainbow filled for me, but very positive & nice to hear none the less. i just answered 'i sure hope so because this is the only one we can do for a good many months.'
so she takes a peek & i have one follie on each side- both measuring about 11mm. i know she took a measurement of my lining- just said that everything looks great (i didn't think to get the number until after the appointment, but i will ask when i call for my b/w results)
she then left to let m get dressed & check all the measurements & schedule my next visit. they are going to see me first thing thursday- when hopefully i ill have two big fat juicy follies & get my trigger shot. i was then told to have sex every other day until then & we'll see you then.
i was hoping to have at least one over 9mm. i am thinking that best case i will be ready to go thursday & have the iui friday. worst case- they will want to see me again either friday to monday & the iui will be sometime the following week. either way- i really want to be as positive as my chipper tech & hope this works.
but if it doesn't- i at least have this:
that is my new bike- in pieces in the hatch if the hubs car. it looks scarier than it is- he claims it's in great shape & tomorrow i may have pics of me actually on the bike! yesterday i went out with the hub on the back of his- i hadn't been on his bike in over a year! it was really nice & i was much more comfortable now that i have learned more about it. his bike is a cafe racer- as a passenger it is quit uncomfortable & a bit scary. but i have my full face helmet & i am good to go now! see the next post for the silly picture of 'lady helmet'!
we watched & set off some fireworks in the back alley last night- it was really fun. nothing too big, but it was a good time. i leave you with a few pics of that. i hope everyone's holiday was as relaxing & happy as mine surprisingly turned out to be.
Friday, July 4, 2008
happy 4th
i hope everyone has a great independence day holiday- the hub & i are indulgent today- we slept in until almost 11! pure decadence! i haven't been sleeping very well- perhaps due to the clom.id- but perhaps due to the insane work deadline i've been under. either way- last night was the last pill & we finished all our projects at work & sent them out yesterday. it felt really fucking good- our team essentially did about 6-8 weeks of work in 2-1/2 to 3 weeks. this week alone we crammed a good 3 weeks of work into one. we rocked it out- & did it well. it's a nice feeling to be done with it though.
the hub & i don't have much planned for the holiday- we are 'broke ass poor' (had to steal from io) after paying for the cycle, the motocycle (& having to go & get the damn thing), the normal bills, the oops- there's a bill from my hsg that i forgot about, the 'we haven't actually gone grocery shopping in over a month' bill, the acupuncture & the pills we have very little left for anything. but we have food, some girly drinks the hub likes- one delicious belgian beer for me, and perhaps some fireworks. all in all- it should be a nice holiday spent home!
tomorrow i have my day 11 b/w & u/s. it should be day 10, but duh! holiday! i am really hoping that they see some advanced follie growth. i would absolutely love to ovulate (be triggered) on day 14. then a day 15 iui... okay- shook myself out of my fantasy there. i seriously do think that the pills have helped me- i have actually noticed my pre-fertile cm pretty darn early. i started to notice a little on day 8- that would be a record for me. i usually don't start to see any advancement until day 12 or 13. obviously the real sign (other than the pretty pictures from the wand) will be if/when i see some actual fertile cm. but seeing anything has to be a good sign. right?
wish me luck- i really want this all to go well & i am trying so hard to keep myself calm &peaceful about it, but it does get hard when i think of how much is riding on this. keeping myself calm & slightly detached is very difficult. i am excited & so hopeful for this to work. it makes me very afraid of what the crash could be...
the hub & i don't have much planned for the holiday- we are 'broke ass poor' (had to steal from io) after paying for the cycle, the motocycle (& having to go & get the damn thing), the normal bills, the oops- there's a bill from my hsg that i forgot about, the 'we haven't actually gone grocery shopping in over a month' bill, the acupuncture & the pills we have very little left for anything. but we have food, some girly drinks the hub likes- one delicious belgian beer for me, and perhaps some fireworks. all in all- it should be a nice holiday spent home!
tomorrow i have my day 11 b/w & u/s. it should be day 10, but duh! holiday! i am really hoping that they see some advanced follie growth. i would absolutely love to ovulate (be triggered) on day 14. then a day 15 iui... okay- shook myself out of my fantasy there. i seriously do think that the pills have helped me- i have actually noticed my pre-fertile cm pretty darn early. i started to notice a little on day 8- that would be a record for me. i usually don't start to see any advancement until day 12 or 13. obviously the real sign (other than the pretty pictures from the wand) will be if/when i see some actual fertile cm. but seeing anything has to be a good sign. right?
wish me luck- i really want this all to go well & i am trying so hard to keep myself calm &peaceful about it, but it does get hard when i think of how much is riding on this. keeping myself calm & slightly detached is very difficult. i am excited & so hopeful for this to work. it makes me very afraid of what the crash could be...
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
just when i thought it couldn't get worse
i had a bad morning... check it out
seriously- this was too much fun to not do!
on a realistic note- i am now on day 4 of the challenge & so far nothing really- except for a little bit of restless sleep, some feelings of being warm randomly, & the biggest one- a little bit of digestive issues. i have what i am convinced is a mild case of ibs anyway- so if anything is 'off' i really really know it. and things are 'off'. i also have a drastically reduced appetite. which could also be because of the insane amount of busy i have been at work. don't get me wrong though- busy is awesome. i can't focus too much on myself or my hopes for this cycle to end all cycles (yes- totally dramatic for effect there!)
i am also having little mini- motorcycle lessons from the hub. tonight i learned clutch control. which means i start the bike, ease the clutch out & let it ~just~ start to pull me along. we have a back alley/driveway- i went most of the length of it tonight. maybe tomorrow i'll put my feet up for more than .5 seconds... but i don't want to rush it!
and because i got requests & finally found a photo: this is what i will be riding soon- (hopefully in a year though...) either way- i will be a hot mama- motorcycle or baby.
seriously- this was too much fun to not do!
on a realistic note- i am now on day 4 of the challenge & so far nothing really- except for a little bit of restless sleep, some feelings of being warm randomly, & the biggest one- a little bit of digestive issues. i have what i am convinced is a mild case of ibs anyway- so if anything is 'off' i really really know it. and things are 'off'. i also have a drastically reduced appetite. which could also be because of the insane amount of busy i have been at work. don't get me wrong though- busy is awesome. i can't focus too much on myself or my hopes for this cycle to end all cycles (yes- totally dramatic for effect there!)
i am also having little mini- motorcycle lessons from the hub. tonight i learned clutch control. which means i start the bike, ease the clutch out & let it ~just~ start to pull me along. we have a back alley/driveway- i went most of the length of it tonight. maybe tomorrow i'll put my feet up for more than .5 seconds... but i don't want to rush it!
and because i got requests & finally found a photo: this is what i will be riding soon- (hopefully in a year though...) either way- i will be a hot mama- motorcycle or baby.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
what a week
this is day 7 of iui#1 cycle. if you told me this time last week that i'd be almost halfway through my dose of clo.mid & wondering how to schedule everything for an iui i would have told you you were loca! now that i'm here i am surprised as much by what i'm not feeling as what i am.
i am not feeling too many side effects. i am surprised by this because i am one of those people who doesn't like to take medications. Well- i don't really take ibuprofen or aspirin- i tough out headaches, i tough out cramps, even fevers & colds i would rather just take a day of rest than a pill. if the situation is severe- say a 102 fever (believe me- for me this is like 104!) or, i don't know, an exploding kidney- i will go to the hospital/doctor/pharmacy & pop whatever pill is prescribed that i know i need. but the everyday stuff i don't usually do. when i do have a raging headache that has lasted for far too long- i'll take a single ibuprofen & it works practically instantly. so i've always had this thought that somehow my body is more responsive to medication because i haven't introduced it often. it could be complete psychological bullshit, but that's my story & i'm sticking to it.
so i am surprised that i don't really have any of the myriad of symptoms i was expecting. the first night i was slightly queasy for about an hour after taking the pills. once that went away i got this huge burst of energy & cleaned my entire bedroom- including organizing closet, shoes, & winter clothes for storage. i had one or two moments i would call a warm spell- not really a hot flash at all, just slightly flushed for about 20 seconds. other than that & a little restless night's sleep on sunday- all's good.
another thing that has surprised me was my acupuncture appointment last night. my doc told me she thinks that the clom.id might actually be good for me because it nourishes what i am deficient in. she did tell me to carefully watch any cm since if it is not right then the drug may be depleting something else i don't quite remember. so i am drinking green tea even earlier in my cycle this month. oh- and she seemed to be genuinely disappointed when i told her i was on day 6- meaning that of course last month didn't work. seeing how much hope she has for me always gives me a little boost when i see her.
another thing i don't feel is any nervousness or anxiety over the actual iui itself. i don't know if i expected to, but it feels very matter-of-fact. 'of course we're doing an iui- who wouldn't?' no matter that i am jumping feet first into a treatment cycle without anything more than testing under my belt. i feel like since our financial schedule is so funky- we have the money now, but not for the next couple (6?) months due to too many factors to list - that we are jumping ahead just to wait it out some more.
but i also do not have any anxiety over the outcome of this cycle, yet. i am trying my damndest to distract myself & have many measures in place. we are finishing our first floor & moving our furniture back up out of the dungeon- i mean basement! we are maybe planning on having people over within the month! we bought me a motorcycle. um- hell yeah! so much better than the friend's bike i didn't really want anyway- it's a yamaha- i'll have to post a pic as soon as i find it. it's perfect! very light, very small, only does 90 top speed (believe me it'll be lucky to see 30 anytime before next summer!) and i like the color- candy apple red! i just need to get that coordinating helmet& i will be assured of getting pregnant this month! actually- it'll probably be the next 2 months- i'll pass the course, get my license & maybe get one or two rides in with the hub. just enough to really enjoy it before i have to put it away! (oh how i hope i never get to ride it!)
either way- the outcome of this cycle will be easier to handle. if it doesn't work than i can temper the pain with 300 pounds of metal. if it does- any disappointment over not getting to ride a motorcycle will vanish with the appearance of a second line. i do plan on testing this cycle too- i am debating on taking one after my trigger just to see a second line... i probably won't though. but i think will start at 12 dpiui, at the very least it will be before any beta scheduled- i wouldn't want to hear that news over the phone- whichever way it goes.
i am not feeling too many side effects. i am surprised by this because i am one of those people who doesn't like to take medications. Well- i don't really take ibuprofen or aspirin- i tough out headaches, i tough out cramps, even fevers & colds i would rather just take a day of rest than a pill. if the situation is severe- say a 102 fever (believe me- for me this is like 104!) or, i don't know, an exploding kidney- i will go to the hospital/doctor/pharmacy & pop whatever pill is prescribed that i know i need. but the everyday stuff i don't usually do. when i do have a raging headache that has lasted for far too long- i'll take a single ibuprofen & it works practically instantly. so i've always had this thought that somehow my body is more responsive to medication because i haven't introduced it often. it could be complete psychological bullshit, but that's my story & i'm sticking to it.
so i am surprised that i don't really have any of the myriad of symptoms i was expecting. the first night i was slightly queasy for about an hour after taking the pills. once that went away i got this huge burst of energy & cleaned my entire bedroom- including organizing closet, shoes, & winter clothes for storage. i had one or two moments i would call a warm spell- not really a hot flash at all, just slightly flushed for about 20 seconds. other than that & a little restless night's sleep on sunday- all's good.
another thing that has surprised me was my acupuncture appointment last night. my doc told me she thinks that the clom.id might actually be good for me because it nourishes what i am deficient in. she did tell me to carefully watch any cm since if it is not right then the drug may be depleting something else i don't quite remember. so i am drinking green tea even earlier in my cycle this month. oh- and she seemed to be genuinely disappointed when i told her i was on day 6- meaning that of course last month didn't work. seeing how much hope she has for me always gives me a little boost when i see her.
another thing i don't feel is any nervousness or anxiety over the actual iui itself. i don't know if i expected to, but it feels very matter-of-fact. 'of course we're doing an iui- who wouldn't?' no matter that i am jumping feet first into a treatment cycle without anything more than testing under my belt. i feel like since our financial schedule is so funky- we have the money now, but not for the next couple (6?) months due to too many factors to list - that we are jumping ahead just to wait it out some more.
but i also do not have any anxiety over the outcome of this cycle, yet. i am trying my damndest to distract myself & have many measures in place. we are finishing our first floor & moving our furniture back up out of the dungeon- i mean basement! we are maybe planning on having people over within the month! we bought me a motorcycle. um- hell yeah! so much better than the friend's bike i didn't really want anyway- it's a yamaha- i'll have to post a pic as soon as i find it. it's perfect! very light, very small, only does 90 top speed (believe me it'll be lucky to see 30 anytime before next summer!) and i like the color- candy apple red! i just need to get that coordinating helmet& i will be assured of getting pregnant this month! actually- it'll probably be the next 2 months- i'll pass the course, get my license & maybe get one or two rides in with the hub. just enough to really enjoy it before i have to put it away! (oh how i hope i never get to ride it!)
either way- the outcome of this cycle will be easier to handle. if it doesn't work than i can temper the pain with 300 pounds of metal. if it does- any disappointment over not getting to ride a motorcycle will vanish with the appearance of a second line. i do plan on testing this cycle too- i am debating on taking one after my trigger just to see a second line... i probably won't though. but i think will start at 12 dpiui, at the very least it will be before any beta scheduled- i wouldn't want to hear that news over the phone- whichever way it goes.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
#201- here's to new beginnings
yesterday was my 200th post. it's odd & slightly fitting that 201 starts a new chapter in my ttc life. today i start cl.omid. we are really doing this. i am nervous & excited & the hub is starting to get (slightly) hopeful. i think we are both desperate for this to work since it's new- it's so much money- and we are throwing everything we can into one cycle. for me- it feels a lot like setting myself up for failure. but i am trying really hard not to think that way. i want to be hopeful that this will actually work. i don't want to feel the crushing disappointment if it doesn't. i know my heart will break like it hasn't before. i also know that i am resilient- having been crushed at least 17 times before (i can't really count them all- i knew we didn't hit it out of the park on some of those) i always recover. i always get back into it & i still even have hope. which is great, but draining. i just don't want this to be the one that sucks it all out of me, never to replenish.
the knowledge that this is the first & last shot we can afford at a treatment cycle for at least 6 months really puts the pressure on (going over some stuff we realize that there is just so much we need to fix around this house- new steps out front to the tune of $1500, a back porch we can split with a neighbor is still $1500- these are all the cost of another IUI). if this doesn't work we have to just go back to the old fashioned way of trying (actually having sex? how 2006!) until we can save up & give IUI's another go. i would want to be able to try at least 3 consecutive IUI's before reevaluating & deciding on the next plan. and that will definitely take some time to save up for. especially since we haven't had a real vacation since our honeymoon 4 years ago & if anyone ever needed one it's us & soon. we're thinking about camping somewhere- maybe in september. i just need to narrow locations down. i'm thinking beach- he's thinking mountains.
so i am very conflicted in how i feel right now. i am thrilled we have this chance, i am scared to death it won't work, i am realistic that it most likely won't work, i am convinced it has to work, i am weary of the wait & dreading having to do it again. i am excited that the hub is getting involved emotionally, i am scared that he will crash just like me. i am terrified that we may have to look into ivf eventually, i am surprised (pleasantly i think) that the hub actually mentioned ivf last night as a possible option. i am hopeful that we will get pregnant this cycle & i am convinced that since i already calculated my due date it won't happen now. if this cycle worked i would be given a due date of april 1st... it would be too fitting for a baby of ours- so i can't believe it. but i can't not believe it could be possible.
the knowledge that this is the first & last shot we can afford at a treatment cycle for at least 6 months really puts the pressure on (going over some stuff we realize that there is just so much we need to fix around this house- new steps out front to the tune of $1500, a back porch we can split with a neighbor is still $1500- these are all the cost of another IUI). if this doesn't work we have to just go back to the old fashioned way of trying (actually having sex? how 2006!) until we can save up & give IUI's another go. i would want to be able to try at least 3 consecutive IUI's before reevaluating & deciding on the next plan. and that will definitely take some time to save up for. especially since we haven't had a real vacation since our honeymoon 4 years ago & if anyone ever needed one it's us & soon. we're thinking about camping somewhere- maybe in september. i just need to narrow locations down. i'm thinking beach- he's thinking mountains.
so i am very conflicted in how i feel right now. i am thrilled we have this chance, i am scared to death it won't work, i am realistic that it most likely won't work, i am convinced it has to work, i am weary of the wait & dreading having to do it again. i am excited that the hub is getting involved emotionally, i am scared that he will crash just like me. i am terrified that we may have to look into ivf eventually, i am surprised (pleasantly i think) that the hub actually mentioned ivf last night as a possible option. i am hopeful that we will get pregnant this cycle & i am convinced that since i already calculated my due date it won't happen now. if this cycle worked i would be given a due date of april 1st... it would be too fitting for a baby of ours- so i can't believe it. but i can't not believe it could be possible.
Friday, June 27, 2008
iui 1, cd3 report
i am going to be keeping track of all my appointments here- and any questions, clarifications, etc. that i have throughout. since this is my first (& most likely only for a good long while) actual treatment cycle i want an overachieving record. i also have to wipe the egg off my face- this is cycle 20. not cycle 21. i somehow jumped myself forward... i guess they really are starting to blur together!
i arrived 15 minutes early this morning & had my favorite vampire draw my blood- i swear this woman is the only one who turns my highly visible, but very finicky, veins into real gushers! without pain & such minimal bruising no less! i then had to wait while every other woman who got their blood drawn AFTER me got called in for their u/s first. a half hour later i go back. to wait some more. finally the doc & nurse come in. this was my first time seeing this doc- there are 4 at the practice. mine (i only claim ownership because he's the one we saw at our consult) is dr. diagram- he did my hsg. the other is dr. comedian- he did my hss. this was the only woman doc in the practice, she was nice, but very brisk & to the point. she pointed out my ovaries- which looked 'perfectly normal'. i have 5 pre-follicles on the right & 6 on the left. no cysts. i don't know about my lining- i didn't see or hear her take any measurements of that. she explained the clom.id challenge cycle & what they do & test for. which i of course have known for months & months now, but i don't mind hearing it again.
i asked about turning the cycle into an iui & of course it's no problem. they wrote me a script for the cl.omid (generic is fine too) and one for a trigger shot. they then had me get my pants on & i went to the little office with my nurse to discuss timing & protocols.
the nurse was very nice- i generally like everyone at the clinic, which is good because i am paying them enough- they better be freaking nice! i am to take 50mg 2x day starting sunday to thursday, then into the clinic for bloodwork & u/s on saturday (friday being a holiday of course!) then they will decide when to see me again for follow up u/s to monitor my progress & time the iui. once i have a mature (22mm) follicle, they will trigger me & schedule iui for the next day (i think the next day- it could be 2 days after) i will be using a sick day at work, but am undecided as to whether to give my manager the heads up. i really don't want everyone to know what i am doing because it's just more pressure on me in what is destined to be a cycle with a hell of a lot riding on it already, but i don't like calling out pretending to be sick. i have at least a week & a half to think about it though. i'll come up with something.
i have to try to get earlier appointments. i was almost 20 minutes late to work in a eek when we have been asked to clear our personal schedules so we can meet deadlines. i am of course meeting those deadlines, but i still feel bad being late.
i did make sure that the hub can produce his sample at home & we can bring it in as long as it's with in the hour. i knew he could, but that was his only reservation about doing the iui. oh yeah- that & it's more money for a slightly higher chance when he really wants a guarantee. (wouldn't we all?)
so my next appointment is 8:30 am on saturday the 5th. until then i will be a pill popping hormone raging (hopefully not!) soon to be (?) mama.
to answer a question from m- i am already taking a b12 every night in conjunction with my prenatal. i have been taking it for about 2 months now & i am hoping that it was just a fluke due to stress. it has been a really stressful time lately. i have never had any issues with my lp, except for some minor fluctuations. i went from a consistent 12-13 days to a consistent 13-14 days. so i'm really hoping for a fluke. especially with how sore my boobs get- that points to high progesterone, right? oh- anther question answered- i am not getting put on p-supplements. since this is really the test cycle to find out if i have the problem they aren't doing anything more than monitoring, cl.omid & a trigger. oh- and sending the boys on a ride they'll never forget!
questions i want to ask at my next appointment are about the rate for multiples, my follicle count of course, my fsh results (i will get today's either tomorrow or monday. it should have been today but nurse nice didn't call me & my phone died midway during the day) and when i can expect the next u/s. also if they encourage bedrest (or taking it easy) the day of iui. i will probably just do that anyway. anything else i should ask about?
oh- and to end on an oh-so pleasant note- i of course have to wear a pad today & since i had no more tampons anyway i just bought those last night. i freaking hate pads! i know that they are supposedly 'better' for you, but i can not stand feeling this gross & funky all day long. even the super thin suckers feel like i have a cardboard diaper on. uck.
***before you go- a silly question- if my instructions on the script say take 1 (50mg) pill 2x a day does that mean morning & night? could i take 2 pills at night? will it mess shit up? i am going to try to call & ask tomorrow, but it being saturday i am not sure they will answer. it's only one day & if i don't hear from them i will probably just do morning then night, but it's be nice to know!
i arrived 15 minutes early this morning & had my favorite vampire draw my blood- i swear this woman is the only one who turns my highly visible, but very finicky, veins into real gushers! without pain & such minimal bruising no less! i then had to wait while every other woman who got their blood drawn AFTER me got called in for their u/s first. a half hour later i go back. to wait some more. finally the doc & nurse come in. this was my first time seeing this doc- there are 4 at the practice. mine (i only claim ownership because he's the one we saw at our consult) is dr. diagram- he did my hsg. the other is dr. comedian- he did my hss. this was the only woman doc in the practice, she was nice, but very brisk & to the point. she pointed out my ovaries- which looked 'perfectly normal'. i have 5 pre-follicles on the right & 6 on the left. no cysts. i don't know about my lining- i didn't see or hear her take any measurements of that. she explained the clom.id challenge cycle & what they do & test for. which i of course have known for months & months now, but i don't mind hearing it again.
i asked about turning the cycle into an iui & of course it's no problem. they wrote me a script for the cl.omid (generic is fine too) and one for a trigger shot. they then had me get my pants on & i went to the little office with my nurse to discuss timing & protocols.
the nurse was very nice- i generally like everyone at the clinic, which is good because i am paying them enough- they better be freaking nice! i am to take 50mg 2x day starting sunday to thursday, then into the clinic for bloodwork & u/s on saturday (friday being a holiday of course!) then they will decide when to see me again for follow up u/s to monitor my progress & time the iui. once i have a mature (22mm) follicle, they will trigger me & schedule iui for the next day (i think the next day- it could be 2 days after) i will be using a sick day at work, but am undecided as to whether to give my manager the heads up. i really don't want everyone to know what i am doing because it's just more pressure on me in what is destined to be a cycle with a hell of a lot riding on it already, but i don't like calling out pretending to be sick. i have at least a week & a half to think about it though. i'll come up with something.
i have to try to get earlier appointments. i was almost 20 minutes late to work in a eek when we have been asked to clear our personal schedules so we can meet deadlines. i am of course meeting those deadlines, but i still feel bad being late.
i did make sure that the hub can produce his sample at home & we can bring it in as long as it's with in the hour. i knew he could, but that was his only reservation about doing the iui. oh yeah- that & it's more money for a slightly higher chance when he really wants a guarantee. (wouldn't we all?)
so my next appointment is 8:30 am on saturday the 5th. until then i will be a pill popping hormone raging (hopefully not!) soon to be (?) mama.
to answer a question from m- i am already taking a b12 every night in conjunction with my prenatal. i have been taking it for about 2 months now & i am hoping that it was just a fluke due to stress. it has been a really stressful time lately. i have never had any issues with my lp, except for some minor fluctuations. i went from a consistent 12-13 days to a consistent 13-14 days. so i'm really hoping for a fluke. especially with how sore my boobs get- that points to high progesterone, right? oh- anther question answered- i am not getting put on p-supplements. since this is really the test cycle to find out if i have the problem they aren't doing anything more than monitoring, cl.omid & a trigger. oh- and sending the boys on a ride they'll never forget!
questions i want to ask at my next appointment are about the rate for multiples, my follicle count of course, my fsh results (i will get today's either tomorrow or monday. it should have been today but nurse nice didn't call me & my phone died midway during the day) and when i can expect the next u/s. also if they encourage bedrest (or taking it easy) the day of iui. i will probably just do that anyway. anything else i should ask about?
oh- and to end on an oh-so pleasant note- i of course have to wear a pad today & since i had no more tampons anyway i just bought those last night. i freaking hate pads! i know that they are supposedly 'better' for you, but i can not stand feeling this gross & funky all day long. even the super thin suckers feel like i have a cardboard diaper on. uck.
***before you go- a silly question- if my instructions on the script say take 1 (50mg) pill 2x a day does that mean morning & night? could i take 2 pills at night? will it mess shit up? i am going to try to call & ask tomorrow, but it being saturday i am not sure they will answer. it's only one day & if i don't hear from them i will probably just do morning then night, but it's be nice to know!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
198-20-1 hike
this is my 198th post. i am coming up on 200 and now there's something to say. cycle day one of cycle 20 started yesterday. it was 3 days early. i don't know how to feel right now. i am a little numb. my clom.id challenge cycle starts friday (um- tomorrow!) with baseline bw & u/s. the hub & i are talking about turning this cycle into an iui cycle. i figure- i'm in for a penny, in for a pound. what's $300 more when i already have to spend a grand on the fully monitored cycle. (by the way- i can do just the challenge with one u/s & 2 days of bloodwork, but no extra monitoring, for about $300. it doesn't make any sense to me, so i might as well get everything i can out of it- even if it means spending so much money!)
the hub is really adamant about not going into the clinic for his 'contribution'. i am going to find out if he even has to, which i am pretty sure he doesn't, but as of tonight i think we are jumping in feet first. the challenge will become iui #1. it will probably be the one & only for quite a while- so i really want to make it count as much as i can. i am going to try to exercise, eat really well, meditate & generally relax with this as much as possible. in short- i want to do everything i can to ensure that i can not go back & blame myself for this not working. i know i get stressed & i know i get consumed with the hope battle in a normal cycle- i am scared what these bigger more invested stakes will do to me.
i am dealing with the end of this cycle better than i thought possible- maybe my body jump started because i'm supposed to go trough this next one. the 11 day lp has me a little freaked out though. it's the shortest yet & i lost 2 days off my usual lp. i didn't think that was normal, so now do i worry about an lpd? can stress really do anything to your luteal phase? i just don't know & i really don't need/want another thing to worry about. i am part scared (nervous) about this cycle, part really excited, and part really scared about getting too excited.
the hub already has the mindset that this isn't going to work. he is more pessimistic by nature, but i know he really wanted it to work for us 'the old fashioned way' (his quote). of course i did too, but i think we both realize that it's just not working out that way for us. he is willing to move on & even willing to do the iui, but he feels like it's all a ploy to get more money from us since there are no guarantees. he really wants a guarantee. and who can blame him. parting with $1300 for a slightly increased chance is hard to do. and going into it knowing that it's the only shot for a while & has all these hopes attached to it already, is really hard. i told him how i wanted to relax as much as possible with my stress level this month & asked him to do everything he could to help with that- even if that means lying to me when i ask if he's hopeful.
so - here's to my (first?) iui, may it be the big bang i've been hoping for... but not let me crash.
*update- embarrasingly enough i am NOT on cycle 21, only cycle 20... oops. they've started to blur together now.
the hub is really adamant about not going into the clinic for his 'contribution'. i am going to find out if he even has to, which i am pretty sure he doesn't, but as of tonight i think we are jumping in feet first. the challenge will become iui #1. it will probably be the one & only for quite a while- so i really want to make it count as much as i can. i am going to try to exercise, eat really well, meditate & generally relax with this as much as possible. in short- i want to do everything i can to ensure that i can not go back & blame myself for this not working. i know i get stressed & i know i get consumed with the hope battle in a normal cycle- i am scared what these bigger more invested stakes will do to me.
i am dealing with the end of this cycle better than i thought possible- maybe my body jump started because i'm supposed to go trough this next one. the 11 day lp has me a little freaked out though. it's the shortest yet & i lost 2 days off my usual lp. i didn't think that was normal, so now do i worry about an lpd? can stress really do anything to your luteal phase? i just don't know & i really don't need/want another thing to worry about. i am part scared (nervous) about this cycle, part really excited, and part really scared about getting too excited.
the hub already has the mindset that this isn't going to work. he is more pessimistic by nature, but i know he really wanted it to work for us 'the old fashioned way' (his quote). of course i did too, but i think we both realize that it's just not working out that way for us. he is willing to move on & even willing to do the iui, but he feels like it's all a ploy to get more money from us since there are no guarantees. he really wants a guarantee. and who can blame him. parting with $1300 for a slightly increased chance is hard to do. and going into it knowing that it's the only shot for a while & has all these hopes attached to it already, is really hard. i told him how i wanted to relax as much as possible with my stress level this month & asked him to do everything he could to help with that- even if that means lying to me when i ask if he's hopeful.
so - here's to my (first?) iui, may it be the big bang i've been hoping for... but not let me crash.
*update- embarrasingly enough i am NOT on cycle 21, only cycle 20... oops. they've started to blur together now.
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