on a happier note, after a vent

i have been feeling very down lately. i am bothered not so much by the thought of not having a shower thrown for me- if i really want one that badly i will just throw it my damn self. (but i think that's rather tacky- like asking for gifts so there will be none of that!) i've been bothered by the thought that i wanted everything about this pregnancy to be perfect- in that i want to live every moment like it's the only time i get it, since it may very well be. i have no idea if i will be able to get pregnant again, but i do know that after the past 2 years, one singular iui cycle, a really crappy economy & now a baby on the way- our finances will take a long time to bounce back to the point where we would even be able to consider it again. so i am assuming that this is my one & only pregnancy. i don't want to regret not doing something or feel like i missed out on the experience. that's really it more than anything.

i have to say that i am also extremely disappointed that my friend seemed to want to do this for me, she offered & asked me about it. we talked about any involvement she needed from me- that i would be willing and very able to help if needed/wanted. (even though i think it's kind of tacky to throw myself a shower- i would want to help anyone that wanted to throw me one. i know how tough it can be & i really don't want people spending money on me when i could offer my house as a location at the very least) then i never heard from her. i know my best friend here never heard from her & neither did my sister. if i was having a shower - shouldn't someone have found out addresses of where to send invitations? i know my family doesn't have the in-laws addresses. i know most of my friend's only know each other through me. i am 27 weeks. i am also an obsessive type a planner so i know what i would be doing right now to plan for someone else. and i probably would have already sent out invitations. but like i said- obsessive type a & maybe my lesson here is to let go & let other people be. because i sure won't be able to control a lot very soon & i need to learn that it's okay for things to be different from my master plan. i have always been able to be flexible, but i can't always let go of the disappointment over things not happening the way i pictured & i can forsee a lot of that coming up.

aside from all the selfish reasons i am a little down, i haven't even been able to get a hold of my friend to see if she's okay. i don't care if the events of her own life in the past few months (which have been kind of horrific) prevent her from doing this for me. i really truly understand. but it would be nice to at least know. and to know that she is okay. i feel like she is avoiding me- every phone call, every e-mail, no contact even through the networking sites.... i have always been very susceptable to feelings of abandonment. i do take things very personally in that i always look to myself first for a reason that someone may not be talking/responding to me. (does that sound conceited! believe me it's not- i always look to see how i am flawed or wrong in a situation, often inventing things that i did that the person took offense to & torturing myself over it until i finally find out that it was nothing to do with me in the first place) so i feel like if i could just talk with her- make sure everything is okay & just simply ask if she needs anything from me or if she wants to forget the whole thing- at least i will know & be able to lift off this black cloud i've been hiding under the past week or so. because my sister was here & we talked- i really just needed her to listen to get some of this out- and she said that no matter what she would make sure i got a shower- even if it was just her & me & some balloons. which is equally sad, but so sweet that she wants me to be happy too. even though it's just a stupid shower. (and it's not about gifts in the slightest. yes- we could really use some help since babies are fucking expensive, but if we got nothing we would still be okay & able to properly care for caiden, we are adults after all & if it means that i carry my debt around a few more months, then so be it. i can budget like nobodies business & i can find a bargain on anything. so i am not worried about the 'stuff' aspect. it's the warm fuzzies of having all your friends & family gather together & say 'welcome to the world' to your child. it's that one day of being told that you are wonderful because you will be 'mom'. can i get that other ways? sure i could. is the tradition important to me? of course!

okay- i am shaking myself off because i don't want this to be as whiny a post as it has already become. the happier note is that the nursery is now looking much more complete. we do still have to install trim (and by we i mean the hub), paint the floating shelves and the dresser white (the dresser is debatable- i may just keep it the way it is), and then do all the little decorative touches. but we now have a glider (thank you craigsl.ist!) which is just perfect! the carpet was freshly installed & we had a few scraps left over- hence the trash bag & padding hanging out...

i love this room. i can just walk in & feel better. it helps me to look forward to all the good things my life will soon have. and it helps me see how great things are now. the hub has labored long & hard on this room (and this house in general). i design- he executes. we make an excellent team & it makes me so proud & happy that we'll be doing this together.