little bits of sunshine - updated

i am trying to distract myself until tomorrow morning by posting my pathetic garden. i really can't even call it that. granted i live in a row home. i have no real yard to speak of, just a 8'x10' sloping plot of the hardest most clay packed dirt you can think of. it takes 3 bags of seed throughout the summer to maintain just green, and my flower 'garden' is a patch of bulbs that have been cruelly tricked throughout the two years i have had them by sudden freak warm spells followed by cruel subzero temps that coax them out & then kill them off or stunt them terribly. but yet- i noticed two brave soldiers today surrounded by adorable little buttercups & they made me smile. even in the worst soil something always seems to grow- right?

*update- so i tested & as usual the clearest starkest blank spot where a line really should have been! another month bites the clay filled dust. i can't say that i'm surprised, but i am upset, bitter, heartbroken (again) and feeling a little hopeless. 16 tries have ended in failures & it's really starting to suck. i can't even look forward to starting treatments with the re because we still can't afford the extra grand + a month (by the way I think this is super pricey!). if the hub does well at his job we will be able to afford to cycle every month if we have to, but right now we just can't. there's too much to catch up on & we just got the new car...

so my dilemma is whether to call my re or not. do i just sit tight & when we can afford to really jump in i call him on that day one? or do i still call on my day one now & kindly let them know that until they start giving treatments away or i can afford it i will have to wait?

t-minus 2

not too much to talk about today. my temps are still relatively high, but i really can't judge anything by 11dpo temps. i usually have a little drop either 12 or 13 dpo. without fail i test at 12 dpo & then the next day i get my period. i don't want to go through that again, so i am waiting until thursday to consider testing. of course if my temp goes down, then i won't bother.

but... you know a but is coming- i have an unnatural amount of hope for this cycle. i say unnatural because i have kept hope at bay for so long that now i feel like the door has been flung open. i can't stop bitching about my boobs. they hurt. they feel slightly less sore in the morning, but by night i feel like they've been used as a punching bag. they hurt to the touch. they hurt just sitting there doing nothing. this is the cruelest trick of af. (& hope- i haven't forgotten that wench) on the one hand- my boobs are always sore a few days before my period. on the other- they start to feel better at this point. i would say 7 or 8 dpo to 11 dpo i have mildy sore boobs. i have found myself squeezing them in the past to see if they still hurt. then of course wondering if they only hurt because i've been obsessively squeezing. now i am trying not to touch them.

okay- enough about my tatas. i think that's really my only 'symptom'. i feel a little bloated & full. i was so exhausted last night that i passed out on the couch for almost 2 hours after work. i wouldn't think anything at all of this because i've had a long week-month-year, but i don't nap. ever. i try & i can't. i only ever lay down & relax, but i usually can't let go enough to just fall asleep. i was also slightly nauseous this morning when getting up- but that could be due to my dentist appointment nerves. i don't like to put much stock into symptoms, but something is telling me that this really could be 'it'. i keep trying to reign her in- but that miss hope is quite the stubborn bitch. she is refusing to leave. so i have one more day to hold her off- even if it's just a little. if thursday comes with high temps & no period in sight- i'll test & hope (ack!) for the best. and the silver lining is that if it's a negative i can enjoy some wine with friends on thursday night & call the doc for the referral too. i would feel silly calling right now & then calling for a blood test on friday. (okay- that was hope talking...silly girl)

i promise to have something interesting to say the next time i write. i just needed to purge these evil thoughts of hope.

3 years & 4 dpo

today is hub & i's 3 year anniversary. being that we got engaged on our 8 year anniversary- we've spent almost 12 years together. i can not imagine my life without him & i am grateful for this past year for teaching us how strong we can be together. we both know that there isn't another soul in this world that we would rather have standing with us in hard times. words truly can not express how much i love this man.

that said- life has been far too much these past few days- i have not been able to catch up on anyone's blog & when i have there's no time to give the comments the posts deserve- i'm sorry if i am now a lurker!

this past saturday was wonderful- we went to the 90% off sale at 3 different tar.gets. we are definitely having christmas at our house this year! we were riding around, having a fantastic time just talking & planning. the good times were soon over. sunday- we were making plans to go out to brunch with our neighbors when a scuffle broke out between our dog & the roomies dog. in breaking it up- hub got bit. badly. the roomies dog had turned on him- quite aggresively. we thought that a vein had been nicked. after rushing to the hospital we learned it wasn't as bad as we thought, but it's still bad. *the dog is going to a rescue by the end of the week, he is in total isolation from us & the pups until then.* major horse pill antibiotics & a visit to the hand clinic tomorrow. i have to help him shower because he only has the use of one hand. every night the dressings have to be changed. he is pretty lucky because it was his left hand (he's a righty) & he still has full feeling & movement in the hand.

the experience did make me aware of two things. one- i am not the person you want with you in an emergency. i am far more level headed when i am the one hurt than i was when he was. two- i was scared to lose my husband. more than i could ever imagine possible. i thought my hub was bleeding to death in our basement. *melodramatic given the actual severity of his injuries, but still what i thought.* now that it is our anniversary 2 days later i am so grateful to have him in my life. our life together may be difficult right now, we certainly have had our challenges over the past year or so and i know the immediate future at least holds even more. but we can tackle them together. and as long as i have him- everything else is a lot easier.

oh- and the 4 dpo marks the earliest ovulation i have had in nearly a year! a day 16 ovulation is so much closer to textbook 'normal' than i have been that it makes me actually hopeful! if not for this cycle with only one session a day or so before- then at least for next cycle- maybe my body is regulating. maybe wee actually have some decent shots. and if not- then testing will begin shortly. i was going to call monday to see about my referral, but the whole dog bite hand issue has taken me away from ttc a little.

small wonders

internet is back. apparently it was just some stupid minor easily fixed problem. so there's that.

still no word on the state of all other affairs. i can only hope that they are all so easily resolved but i doubt i am that lucky.

to clarify a little- i have no clue if the shop really will close & i have no idea when we will be able to afford any sort of treatment, but since my insurance does cover all initial testing i am moving forward with choosing an RE & making the appointment. even if i can't really do anything for months- i will spend that time trying to find out if there even is a problem. and if there isn't- well, we'll just have to see about that later. even though my obsessive planning for every contigency will be foiled- it's not the end of the world. i'll just have to learn to let what happens happen. *yikes- i don't even like how that looks written out!

so- new plan for 2008:
1. hubby gets new job with great insurance (or equally as good if not better- the shop miraculously does amazing & actually provides us with a stable income)
2. while this process goes on i get all my initial testing out of the way so that when the 'miracle' (i.e. we actually conceive naturally) pregnancy doesn't happen we are at least ready to hit the ground running whenever that may be.
3. still keep up the healthy eating (5 days of oatmeal down- only 26 more to go right now & yes plain oatmeal is horrid!) and improve on the already pretty healthy lifestyle- who couldn't use less sweets & time on their ass.
4. still be more appreciative of all i do have & all the wonderful people in my life already.

i haven't even had a chance to check out more than 25 or so of the posts on the creme de la creme, but i hope that my sunday can be nice & relaxing with some cocoa & tissues.

mission- stalled

no internet at home right now- stealing my neighbors under the pretense that i need to 'work'. ttc will most likely be stalled - at least for a few months as we iron out what the hell is up with the shop. too much stress for hubby=too much stress for me=no sex=no baby. so i might as well get some tests done & see if there are problems- but there will be no possibility of any treatments period (unless an actual covered problem is miraculosly found & fixed) until the shop is closed, debts are paid, & new job (with insurance) is all squared away. hopefully this happens sooner rather than later- but i just have no clue right now. we certainly won't be preventing since that doesn't seem to matter in the getting us pregnant category- but chances of 2008 baby are hovering around 0, chances of 2008 pregnancy are probably somewhere around 20% right now.

this bites 2008- you were supposed to be nicer than this to us.

broken glasses

a word to the wise- when surprising your husband with New Year's day mimosa's (made better with organic peach mango juice instead of oj) please make sure that he is not working on the house while drinking them.

one of our beautiful red swirled champagne glasses now lies in pieces in our garbage can. but the living room floor looks pretty damn good because we found out the hard way that champagne will bleach out the dark spots the previous owners left.

our new year's eve was pretty uneventful. my parents stopped by on their trip home to richmond after visiting in nj this weekend. it was a very nice visit & they spoiled us, as usual. i wanted them to stay, but they wanted to go home & sleep in their own bed. they called at 12:11 to wish us a happy new year & they were 10 minutes from home. which kind of sucks- i've been in the car for the ball drop & i've hated it. new year's is another huge holiday for me. i love the fireworks, i love sending the year off, i love looking forward to what the next year will bring. that's why this year is such a letdown for me. the magic that this season has always held for me is gone. i was the person that ran out of whatever place i was at to scream 'happy new year!' from the top of my lungs. i'll get the noisemakers & the hats. i throw the confetti. but this year the hub & i cuddled in bed & watched the fireworks, listening to all the neighborhood banging their pots & letting off the air horns.

and i really can't imagine another way i could have spent the eve. all our friends were either out of town, or unavailable. our families are far far away (or on the road). and we don't have any money to waste on going out downtown. 2007 kicked our asses & we welcomed 2008 with a whimper. a plea to please be kind. since 2006 was pretty rough & 2007 was downright fucking mean, i can only beg for 2008 to at least let us be. if i can find a glimmer of my old self, maybe, just maybe, i can believe in the magic again. maybe i can let hope return. maybe i can let 2008 be what it is & just be happy about whatever that might be.

so here's to 2008. may she not kick us while we're down. may we all get lifted up to where we want to be.


*mere moments before hitting publish i got a phone call from an old friend of the hub & i. he & his girlfriend live in cali, but he is from our hometown in ny & she is from here. so every new years for the past 3 years they've spent with us. they are a little late this year & are coming into town today. they'll be making our place their first stop on the east coast. but their visit has stirred up a lot of mixed feelings with me.
they were the very first people tom told that we were trying. i had told my friend (pregnant at the time coworker) & due to that experience i didn't want to tell a single soul after that. but during new year's eve '06 tom told them we were trying. 5 months later they were in town again & we met up for lunch with them & her pregnant (with a 8 month old already) SIL. who told me that we should just borrow her husbands 'super sperm' after our friends had asked how everything was going. um- yeah. that really sucked.
but we were still fresh in the trying period & hope was all around me. i could take it. now i can't. i am having a hard time prepping myself for their inevitable 'how's the whole kid thing going' questions. while i love them dearly- i really don't want to cry today. it's ruining my whole attempt at a new outlook. the hub says we should just tell them it's on hold until the whole shop thing is cleared up & the house is done. as much as i tend to want to say that- i don't want to lie or hide our fears.
it's too much a part of me at this point. and it feels wrong. we are having trouble conceiving. we are possibly infertile. or at least definitely subfertile. there is a problem somewhere. we are moving on to a specialist to hopefully find out what the problem is & fix it. and hopefully our greatest dream will come true before we have to say goodbye to 2008. hopefully the next time we see our friends it will be with an extra heartbeat that we welcome them.

fresh start

even though it's still a few days from the new year, i have decided i wanted a fresh start. in reading over my last post it felt to whiny, too bitchy, too knee jerk reaction. i think it reflected more of my own foul mood rather than what this christmas was actually like. basically- i didn't want to read it again myself & i deleted it. i just thought i would explain that here.

i don't want to dwell on how shitty i feel about not being pregnant, about not being a mom. i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately & i want to put an end to it. i hate that i should be somewhat excited about making my appointment & looking forward to getting some possible answers, but the ONLY thing i can think about is the futility of it. why bother even getting tested- it doesn't change anything. i still won't be able to get pregnant. on the one had- if they find a reason there is a slight chance that whatever it takes to fix it will be covered by my insurance. if it isn't then i will be stuck. stuck knowing what is wrong & what could fix it, but most likely unable to do a damn thing about it for a while because we have no more savings.

on the other (more likely) hand, if we are 'unexplained' then we are certainly stalled for the same reason. no money=no treatments that cost over $200-300 a month (& even that means some serious budget crucnching right now). essentially- i am pretty sure that the only thing we will be able to do is clomid (or equivalent). and since i don't seem to have an ovulation problem- other than ovulating late-ish, i don't see that really making a difference. how ironic is it that i am hoping that something is found- something that my insurance will fix. something that means we won't have to wait any longer. we are just getting our feet under us & are slowly digging our way out from under the mound the shop put us under. it is unrealistic to think that we can afford a couple hundred bucks every month that really should go to paying things off & THEN saving for treatments.

then again- this is a bleak holiday season. maybe next year, next month, next week i will feel better. more refreshed & ready to tackle the next hurdle. but right now i just want to curl up with the hub & a beer, watch some mindless tv & forget about my pathetic little miseries.

but some small, but apparently noisy, part of me still has some hope. i hope that there isn't anything wrong with either of us & that we don't need an RE. despite all the mounting evidence- i don't want to have to go to another specialist for another unknown problem. i'm tired of being broken & having to have surgery to fix me. but i am more tired of not being a mommy- so even if takes years more to save (whether for some form of ART or for adoption) i will do it. i just need to work up to it right now, my energy is down & it's going to take a little bit to get my chipper self back.

can i have the real kranzels

we're off to the in-laws tomorrow morning for christmas. tonight is a friends housewarming-christmas party. there will be little to no internet use at the in-laws *yikes!* so i hope everyone has a very merry holiday.

i've been baking cookies for my friend's party & for the in-laws. they are a bastardized version of my mothor's famous traditional slovak cookies that have been made at christmas in our family for generations- vanilie kranzel. i don't even know the actual recipe but i do know that the wafer thin light sugar cookies filled with raspberry preserves & dipped in sugar are divine. so i made ghetto kranzels- store bought slice & bake sugar cookie dough that i try to get as thin as possible, but still never really works. the spread with raspberry & dip in superfine sugar & at least the taste is somewhat close. the presentation leaves much to be desired.

as i made these cookies last night i remembered helping my mom with them & how much i loved it when she would start to make them- at least 3 weeks in advance. (i don't know how but that wait just makes them better!) it started off christmas. once these cookies were started we knew we could start the countdown & the excotement. plus my mom would tell us stories about her grandmother. i miss those stories as much as the cookies. but what these thoughts led to was the fact that i want to be the one to pass this tradition on. it solidified another reason why i want to have my own child so badly. i want to continue this chain of cookies & stories. and i want it now. i want a christmas full of magic that i create for my child. anything else feels a little like a ghetto kransel- still sweet, but not quite right.

here's to fresh starts

first off- thank you to everyone for the info on RE's! i will be keeping mucho busy over the holidays with research. my insurance kind of sucks so i will be calling a lot to see who works best with me. but i so appreciate everyone sharing their docs- it is nice to know that this community is close at hand as well as all over the country (world).

also- we had a little chat with the roomie. it was productive & open & honest. i now feel alittle bad for him as he was very heartfelt in his apologies. he wants nothing more than to keep the friendship he has with tom & doesn't want the living situation to come between that- so he is looking for a place. which is really the best thing for everyone- not just us. he also isn't watching our little princess over christmas. i don't know if i've mentioned that the in-laws are willing & asking for us to bring the one dog, but not the other. which is rather rude if you ask me. but i understand why they are requesting that- they have 4 cats which my little man could care less about. the princess on the other hand will do nothing for 4 days but chase the little kitties until their fur falls out. it's already happened. so the princess will stay with tom's business partner & whe'll have a ball playing with his son. we didn't want her staying home with the roomie because of the stellar example he has given us by leaving his dog in a crate for so long.

on to the fresh start- i took a test this morning & of course another BFN. i didn't expect anything more this month so i am not really upset. i am looking forward to getting everything together & getting an RE appointment & making some progress- even if it's just some answers on something! i do have to get a new bbt though- for giggles i took my temp with mine & it was 96.54 after 4 minutes. way too long for an accurate reading. and i will need a few charts to bring with me for my first appointment. whether they want 'em or not!

have you tried elevating your hips

i had my annual lady doctor visit today. i had told my doc that i wanted to discuss IF testing and she started by asking how long we'd been trying & if i was using opk's & charting my temperature. i stifled my eyerolls & just said yes.

then she said that we should give it a few more months & then start seeing a specialist. really. that's it. that's what i get. oh- and while she was down checking out the lady bits she actually asked me the title. i couldn't make that up.

the only thing i can say is that i know for sure that she does no tests in office- which is what i expected anyway. i also know that for the next month or so i will be diligently researching RE's in the philly area. i only know 1 person who goes to an re & have looked up her office. i can't really compare it to any other office- but she loves it. if anyone else has any personal experiences with philly re's i would sure appreciate it. there's only so much you can get from a list of statistics.

i will then make a decision & call for my referral hopefully sometime in january- maybe february. i don't want to rush the decision of my baby-making doctor. plus since only testing is covered under insurance we really can't be in a huge rush for treatments, unless of course i get a diagnosis that is miraculously covered.

so- it's not much, but at least it's a start of a glimmer of a plan.

other than that- i have cramps & sore boobs & an appointment for bloodwork (standard check-up stuff) on friday. if i haven't gotten af i think i'll just ask for a test. but ironically i'll probably get af later that day because of it...

well- I think it's official

judging by my sore boobs i am definitely in the 2ww!! isn't it ironic that i don't remember noticing them before starting on this ttc rollercoaster- but now i'm actually perversely happy to have them... because of some of the lower temps of previous cycles i get a little nervous about progesterone levels. of course since i decided not to temp this cycle i don't have any scientific evidence that my sore boobs are due in fact to ovulation & an increase in that wonder hormone. but since i don't have any hopes for this cycle anyway it doesn't much matter. i'm just counting down the days to my appointment now & looking foward to a new start in the new year. for all of it.

a little tiny update- the shop is doing better. tom is super busy this week which is great. a few big jobs too which gives a little more hope for some stability in our near future if it keeps up.
also- my project manager that i babysat for brought in two adorable little thank you cards from her kids- the 6 year old signed the one- she colored in the "a" in her name... and the 4 year old drew a picture of me rather than writing his name. they're the best thank you notes i've gotten in a while! the gift cards were nice too- a night out at the movies with the hubby will happen thanks to them this weekend.

icky poo rant

i do not feel good. i almost never get sick- especially since i quit smoking almost 2 years ago. except for the whole kidney thing- i usually don't even really get colds. but since saturday my body is on this rollercoaster of illness & it's no fun. saturday i was laid out all day with a raging headache mixed with nauseau. sunday was peachy- nothing wrong at all. yesterday i had nauseau again this time mixed with congestion & that fuzzy head cold feeling. this morning i am just exhausted. a little bit of tummy ache- not even full blown nauseau, but i can tell i'm 'off'. stuff's been going around & i don't want to get sick. especially not stomach flu sick. yuck!

i am feeling crappy in general right now- i can't tell if it's a by-product of not physically feeling well or not. i feel like i am bloated beyond belief & fat days are the norm right now. i hate hearing the room mate walk through the door. i just want him to leave already! he is supposedly looking for places- but he hasn't told us- we had to hear through the grapevine of tom's business partner. strange. he also claimed that he would pick up some frozen pizzas to replace the 2 of mine he ate- still nothing. this may seem a little petty to you- let me explain. i noticed the first one at least a month ago because we had only eaten one out of 6 frozen pizzas- yet there were only 4 in the freezer. (there was a huge sale & i was feeling lazy about dinners) normally i couldn't give a rat's ass if the roommate got hungry & ate one- go for it. but i do think it's rude not to replace it- especially since he's not a close friend or member of the family. but to not say he ate it- EVER!!!- and even more to bring the box upstairs so it's not in the kitchen trash- well that's just weird. if money was that tight for him that he felt like he had to hide the fact he ate one of our cheap frozen pizzas- i would have let him have it. but since he hid & denied it- i want my freaking pizzas back! oh- plus we can't find half our towels. i have no idea what happens behind his door & i'm really concerned that he will owe us new sheets & possibly a whole new bed because of his stinking drooling viscious mess of a dog. speaking of which- he is the worst dog owner i have ever seen. case in point- yesterday he was supposed to work 9-5. the dog goes in the crate say at 8:30. he walked through our door at 9:15. that's over 12 hours!!! tom finally took him out & walked him because we felt so bad. we've been told by the roommate to just leave him in there when he's not home since the dog has bitten both of us before & i for one am too scared to have him out. but it's not the dog's fault & i feel terrible for him. he has a horrible owner. now- if the room mate is going out & trying to find a new place, or whatever- after work, why wouldn't he just pick up a phone & let us know that & ask to walk his dog... it's what i would do. i feel like a bad puppy mommy if it's after 5:30 & no one is home for my kids. they are crated too- and yes it is for at least 8 hours. but they get decent walks right before & right after. his dog gets let out for 30 seconds before & after!!! how in the world can that be good for him!
if it wasn't for having my own animals here i would call the humane department on him. he just needs to leave soon.

okay- rant over- feeling better. at least tom & i are doing better. he's actually made some $$$ & all of our immediate bills are caught up. still no presents for christmas this year- but at least we can actually sleep a little better. oh- nothing at all to report on the ttc front except less than one week till my annual + getting testing rolling. and i think i might be 4 dpo. maybe, maybe not. but i am fairly sure that there will be no af for my visit- which i was a little concerned that i would have to reschedule. i would have gotten one sooner, but my insurance makes you wait one calendar year. sucky insurance!

crazy, but good

life is going fast- i think i have ovulated, or maybe i am going to in the next day or so- i honestly have no freaking clue. tom & i had sex for fun (woo-hoo!) a couple times this cycle- maybe it was good timing. but i really couldn't say. which i am okay with. there is too much other shit going on to really get involved with ttc heartache & obsession on top of it right now.

work is gearing up to get crazy busy- it's a lot of spurts of quick deadlines & get it done now- followed by some extended busy work, twiddle your thumbs periods. i have been in the odd (for me) position of being 'in charge' of another person's schedule. i am working with a relatively new to the industry employee and guiding her in the process. which is great- but very strange. i constantly fear that i'm not helping her enough because i am not emphasizing why her mistakes are important to fix & not do again. i am too scared of being undiplomatic, or bitchy, or maybe even just her not getting it because i've upset her by saying she did something wrong instead of pointing out why the right way IS the right way so that she understands why it's done like that. oh- i'm also scared of forgetting something or missing something because it ultimately will fall back on me for not guiding her properly. in a way it's the logical progression of a career- you do something long enough & a 'management' position is in your future. but in another way i feel like a fraud because i know how much i don't know yet. but maybe knowing your limitations & trying to work on them is all part of it. and i think that i am a good teacher- she seems to get it quickly & that has to be somehow, someway in part to how i explain- right?

i also have 3 green projects. i had a call to explain all the credits the other day which i was completely not expecting. but i did okay. i think i explained well & didn't sound like a total idiot or like i was faking it somehow. which i still feel like i might be- not because i do't know my stuff- i'm definitely getting it- but because i am not used to being the holder of knowledge- the expert if you will. i like it- i like having a 'niche', this could be my thing in my firm and i would be happy for it. plus i think it's the perfect mix of knowledge, data, nerdy calculations & lists, with some design & fun new technologies mixed in.

on to the more relevant day to day exciting news- the hub has an accountant- who reviewed the books. now- there's good news & bad news. the bad news is that they should have sent the taxes in monthly & they didn't- so there will be penalties. the good news- is far far less than the hub expected- they can (& will) borrow the $$ from the partners dad & be free & clear. and with the accountant on board they are in a much better position to actually get in the red. the shop actually didn't do all that badly this year- it's just the startup expenses took any potential profit away. and they actually have excellent, perfect records. so while our lives are not immediately improved by this news- things are maybe starting to look cautiously up. i say cautiously because i still can't buy a new coat- which i desperately need, but i know that the car payment is made. and now he doesn't seem to think that he's a failure anymore- which i know he isn't, but he has thought since the shop trouble started. now he knows that they actually did okay- even though we're broke- the shop has the potential to be successful.
thankfully he also knows what he needs to provide for our little 'family' and how he has to do it. i know he takes us seriously & i know that the shop was for us- not just for him. if he had to- he would work at the donut shop counter, or stocking shelves at night. and i love him for that. but i really hope that it never has to happen.
christmas this year will be so strange. i can't afford anything more than cards- i hope that is enough. i can't even afford to get tom anything, which sucks, but in all honesty i think that his gift was this year & all that i have done to keep us afloat. i can't even be modest or humble about that- he owes this year to me & i only hope he appreciates it. all i want from him is a doctors visit. and i doubt i will get it. he has promised to make an appointment on monday- but i've heard that before. actually- i lied. all i really want is to sit at christmas dinner knowing that i have the greatest most miraculous present a girl could get- a baby for the new year. but i'm a realist & i'll take a semen analysis instead.

i'm sorry for the long rambling sort of post- but it's been a long rambling sort of week

busy work

you know when you are in school you are given random miscellaneous stuff to do that really serves no purpose other than to keep you occupied & quiet- well that's what i think my life is right now. i'm trying to find some busy work to keep my thoughts of ttc & babies suppressed.

babysitting was awesome on saturday- the 3 kids were so well behaved- not a single whine from any of them, including the 19 month old with a broken arm. can i just tell you how cute a little tiny girl with blonde bangs & a big old cast is! she was also sleeping in her toddler bed for the first time & i was warned that she had no nap & might pitch a fit & to just close the door & let her cry, that she would probably fall asleep on the floor. well- i said let's go get ready for bed & she went to the stairs & waited for me to follow her up. right into her room, change the diaper & finally found some pj's that fit over the cast & she crawled into her bed on her own!

the other 2 are older & the cutest little chatterboxes. we played princess monopo.ly until after 9 & then it was up to sleep on their parents bed. i was wiped out after 5 hours of playing games & hearing all about their recent trip to a magical kingdom- and they are wonderful kids. three is a lot on your own. but it was fun & i didn't have my usual pity party afterwards, which i am very happy about.

this week should be fairly busy, which is good. i think it's the week i ovulate- but i'm not doing anything at all to confirm it. all my hope has been stripped away, not just for this cycle, but even after testing starts- so i figure what's the point. i might as well enjoy not knowing since it really doesn't make a difference right now. maybe by occupying myself with life i can make mine less about the dissappointments of ttc & having everything come crashing down around me. while i don't think i can ever stop wanting to have a baby & start a family, maybe i can push it to just outside the focal point.

it's a ... life

what a life right now. what a terrible shitty horrible time.



yesterday morning tom decided to have a meltdown. he didn't go into work in the morning & drove me in so he could have the car. on the way he let me know that he 'might be going away for a while'. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! apparently the shop is doing so badly, his life is spiraling out of control, he's in way over his head & doesn't know what to do. oh- and absolutely nothing i say makes any difference. he is making no money & my savings is completely gone. i've put 2500 on credit cards (which in a year isn't all that bad- but i was trying to pay them off not spend more!), i pay for everything in this house & the little he does have to pay for is behind. he let me know that his motorcycle is in repo. fine- not really fine, but it's a luxury and doesn't affect our life negatively if it gets taken away, might be harsh, but true. but the car- the fucking only car we own & that i depend on to get to the only job that actually supports us right now- is ALSO behind in the payment. and i'm finding out now. after hearing him say that since he's over his head he just wants to skip out & bail on his responsibilities. leaving them for me to clean up.

he won't close the shop- even though i can't support us on my own anymore. even though we are reduced to having a fucking roommate with a vicious dog that needs to be in a crate or on a leash when out, even though it means that we can't afford to get pregnant- even if we miraculously could, he won't just pack the fucking thing up. he is so selfish that he will continue to make me a miserable freaked out mess rather than say- the shop failed- i'll be a fucking man & swallow my pride & get a job that supports my family & allows us to actually start one. rather than do that- he's now saying he will get a second job for after the shop is closed. which he's been saying for months & won't do because he works his ass off at that shop & is too tired to work another job after that. so it looks like we are in a holding pattern again. because he will only get a job that is nights or weekends.

on the one hand i feel like i am being selfish by wanting to have a baby now, that i am making it harder on him than it has to be. it's only a year after all... if he gets to realize his goal of owning his own successful business then it will be worth it to hold off on kids right now. but i have been invested 150% in this for over a year now, believing that everything is okay & we're still trying because this is only a temporary situation that is getting better. with his announcement yesterday i feel like it would be a terrible thing to get pregnant right now. with all of this extra stress & uncertainty. how could i knowingly do that, not only to us, but to my unborn child.

on the other hand- how dare he be so selfish as to let me believe & dream & hope for our family to begin only to pull the rug out at the last minute. we're about to start testing. i haven't even had my first appointment yet & i know that no matter what gets found, or what treatment options are laidout- we won't be able to do them. at best- he closes the shop (or a miracle happens & it makes a steady dependable income for us in the next month- ha!) & gets a 9-5 hourly wage job. now - this job only needs to be $8-12 an hour to make a huge difference & get us back up & out of this hole. not much at all- right. easy to find- right. not for my little italian. he refuses to work for $8 an hour! but he'll kill himself for free because it means he's the boss. talk about pride coming before the fall. anyway- i digress- IF he swallows his pride & gets the crappy, but dependable, job- we can maybe pay off our debt & save up for any treatments needed (& i'm pretty sure we'll need them) within 6-8 months. this is not ideal, but at least i would now that there is a solid plan & a goal that we're BOTH working for.

if he keeps the shop & works a second job nights-weekends, then we can forget that little miracle baby because we'll never see each other- much less actually have procreational sex. and what little he makes will just go to keeping him at break-even status. nothing will get paid & the shop may- or may not- do better. but there is no stability & all my plans are useless. i will have to indefinitely put my dream of becoming a mother, what i thought was our shared dream of being parents- on hold for an as of yet undetermined amount of time. i can't even say that next year we could start up again. because i really don't know right now.

does this mean that i should go out & buy condoms & hang it all up. maybe i should- but after a year i can not tell my heart to turn it off. i don't know how to stop ttc. i certainly won't be renewing my ff vip membership as the bbt seems a little useless now, but i don't think that i can prevent. it doesn't seem that natural conception is in the stars for us anyhow- so why bother. and maybe- just maybe- if my misery & anxiety doesn't snap him out of this first- hearing that the miracle actually happened would... who am i kidding. he'll do it when he wants to, no matter what i say.
*i've been thinking about a lot of miracles happening- but the biggest one of all is to have us both get what we want- family & happiness & all that that means. when it all boils down- i know that we'll get through this. we have talked it out & he will do what it takes even if he hates it & even if his pride is screaming that he just can't. i know that we won't prevent because a family is a dream we have & you can't turn a dream off or tell it to take a hike for a little while. i know that even if the shop fails miserably- notice i said the shop & not the hubby- & we do get pregnant- i know that it will all be okay. no matter what- no matter how hard- it will be okay. i have seen people do more with less & i'm sure they were just as scared as me. i just wish it didn't have to be so hard right now. i just wish that i at least knew there was some hope, some silver lining coming soon to brighten my days.

*update- so by the end of today we still have no solid plan, but somehow things are better. i don't know how & i still don't know how we'll be okay, but i do know that we will.

but i do know we'll be okay, no matter what happens. i know that we will get through this together. because i also know that my life is forever tied to this man & that however hard it gets, we'll be okay.

oh- and i think my job is about to get very different. i've just gotten 2 projects to get certified green. i'm a little scared because it's a lot to do, & a ton of responsibility, plus it means that my job is different than i thought it's be. i thought i'd be designing more & i'm doing much less of that (which kind of sucks), but i'm excited about what the possibilities are for this new aspect in my career. it's a lot to take in at once & i just hope that everything going on doesn't overwhelm me.

that's probably enough for 2 days. i need to process all of this.

i did it

i scheduled my appointment today. it's only with my primary doc- who is also my gyno- but i will get my annual pap in & at least discuss all the testing with her & get a game plan. i figure she can probably do the blood tests, but i have no clue about u-s, hsg's, post coital, etc tests.

i am nervous. when we started this day was always hypothetical- if we get to testing. now it's here! and i know that there is only so much we can do right now. my mind is racing with the new ifs.

• if i have an ovulation problem- i don't think i do except for ovulating late (and seemingly later every month) can we do medication. if so- how much is it & would it have any hope of being covered.
• if he has the problem what the heck are the options. i know that my insurance covers testing 100%- but only covers the underlying cause of infertility. and who knows what- if anything- that is & if the treatment is covered.
• if we are unexplained- does that mean we just try different things- clomid (or equivalent), IUI

tom is closing the shop- i am 94% sure by jan. 1st it will be no more. we don't know yet what he will be doing. after selling what he has to to make up the loss the shop has incurred- i don't know how long he really can be out looking for a new job. he's always come through- but we usually have a little cushion which is now long gone. he does have at least a month so hopefully something is figired out soon. but we only have one car & i have no clue how we would get another. and we need at least 4-6 months (after he gets a steady income) to recoup from this past year. which means that anything we may have to pay for out of pocket for treatment is automatically pushed back until we can pay off debts & save up for it if need be. which could be as soon as 6 months from now. but more likely 8 months to a year. because after this past year i can't take out a loan, i can't wrack up anything else on credit cards - especially since i had planned to have them paid of by this time & i've put $2-3K on them this year. not terrible for having less than half of our previous income to live off of, but still terrible to me. we need to be clear & then save up for treatment. and this would be hard to live with.

i know i am thinking too far ahead right now- but i can't help it. i'm a type-a planner. i need to know these things so i can make plans for the possibility of them. i know i need to get through some tests before any more planning is even considered- and i promise to try. but today- today is all about every possibility running through my mind. today i get to freak out a little. after all- it's been a rough week- if i get it all out of my system now then i can just go through it. because it can't ever be as bad as i imagine it could be. and once it happens i will have thought of all the different options and worse case scenarios so that it's nothing to actually do it. hopefully i can stop thinking about it and just let it all unfold.

oh- i have also decided to not temp or opk this month. (at least i think i won't opk- i may still change my mind) with the cycle starting around thanksgiving & ending around christmas- i just don't need the hassle. i'd rather be preoccupied with coming up with creative & cheap gifts (any suggestions are welcome) and how to come up with some extra money to finish our kitchen for our gift to ourselves. i do still plan on having tons of sex at the approximate time- just in case a christmas miracle is possible for us.

#100

i just noticed that this is my 100th post.

today is (as usual) better than yesterday. but yesterday was bad. bad bad bad. i spent most of the day curled up alone on the couch crying over ric.e krispi.es & airline commercials. you know the ones that show moms & kids with sappy music that just say how freaking wonderful these moments are & how great it is to share them with your kids. except i don't have any. then tom came home early- because i'm pretty sure he IS closing up the shop by the new year- and we just cuddled on the couch for a while. which was lovely. but we were supposed to go out to a friend's house for a party so we got ready & got in the car to go get food. pull into the parking lot and i told him my thoughts- i don't even remember what exactly was said- but he responded to my query at his thoughts with a "i can't think about YOUR problems when i have enough of MINE right now." i was very upset (i still think understandibly so) that he thinks that our (possible) infertility is MY problem & the shop is HIS. i tend to think of them as OURS- both of them. so we fight. and it's ugly. thankfully we have perfected the form of fighting particular to us in the 11 years we've been together & it's over by the time we get back home. so we make up, turn around again & get some food.

then to our friend's house & it was exactly what we both needed. watching cheesy crappy movies- evil dead 2 & evil animals. hysterical. lots of wine & absolutely no mention or thoughts of starting (or not starting) a family. just enjoying the moment. oh- and pumpkin pie. yum.

so i don't know where this 100th post is - i don't know my own mood right now. i do know that i'm tired of thinking about this all the time. i'm tired of getting disappointed, of getting my hopes up & heart broken every month. i'm tired of telling my husband when we NEED to have sex & not just living my life carefree & enjoying every part of it. i'm tired of taking my temp every morning & worrying if i should start opk'ing yet. i guess i'm just tired of planning for something i can't control. i know what to do & it doesn't seem to work. i know what we could do if we get certain results back from testing- or even if we don't. but i also know that we have a lot more to work out right now. we can't afford to move forward very far with any sort of art right now if that is what is to come. not with his business closing. does this mean that we shouldn't try. that it would be irresponsible to even attempt to get pregnant right now. i'm not even sure.

because i also know that we are supposed to be parents. i know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine- better than fine- we'll flourish. i mean- we have so far. after a year of trying & a year of basically supporting us- i am stronger than i thought i was. i understand love & sacrifice in a way i never thought. but i also know disappointment & frustration. i know the meaning of 'out of our hands'. we can't control a lot in this life, but we can try our best. and that's about it. i know that i will never stop trying, i just can't imagine it. and someday (somehow) we will get our child. and our hard work will pay off. my husband will be happy at his career- whatever that ends up being. and all the tears are worth it in the end. so i hear.

so i guess i am just hoping to be less disappointed and less heartbroken. i am hoping to to feel secure & happy all the time- not just the moments i can put ttc out if my mind. i am hoping beyond hope that we get some good news soon. and until my hopes are realized i will try very hard to stay positive about life in general. and just keep trying.

it looks like i was wrong

my O day was most likely cd22 & spot arrived today- af will be here is full force by the end of the day. Officially on to cycle 13. our year is up.* today just sucks all around. i am so pissed off about life in general. i want tom's shop to stop failing & actually make us some money so i can stop worrying & we can get the room mate out. it's not that i hate the room mate- i just want my house back. i want to go to my bathroom & not be disgusted because he doesn't clean up the toilet after himself. seriously grossed out today. i did say something, hopefully it worked & my bathroom is sanitary again.

i want my husband back. i want him to be able to pay bills like i know he wants to. i want him to not feel like a failure because he has a bad business partner. i want to feel safe. i want to hold my baby in my arms. dammit- i just want to have my happy family. i just don't feel like i have too much to be thankful for today. i know i do, but it's excaped my mind.

* i still don't think that we truly deserve a technical 'infertile' diagnosis yet. the first two months we tried we had such horrible timing that i don't know how i could possibly really count them. but i will schedule my appointment with my pcp & get what testing she does done & move on. because in the scheme of things does 2 months really matter- we've had at least 8 months- 8 tries with PERFECT timing. while i really truly do know that 8 tries= nothing- it just doesn't make sense not to start testing now. i already put it off as it is & i might as well do what i can. i just really didn't want to make it here. i wanted to be one of the lucky ones.

i was talking to my best friend & i think we summed it up perfectly- why couldn't i just get a surprise pregnancy without trying- but with the knowledge & understanding that a year of trying brings... because i think that any pregnancy i have now will be treasured & loved with every bit of my being. every nauseous moment, every waddle, every extra pound & every bit of swelling & discomfort will be beautiful to me. i will probably complain- i mean who doesn't- but it will be with true love & gratitude that i get to complain. because i know that i'm lucky just to get that.

update- within 10 minutes of writing this af is here full force. i hate this so much. i know today is going to be spent crying in my pj's. hope fucking sucks.

quote of the day

said by my hubby after i woke up, looked at my temp & told him it was UP!!

"good- i hope that stupid test was wrong & your pee juice just didn't like it"


reason 135,876 why i love him- at 6 am he says things like that to make me start my day with a smile. and he's been so vocal about his hope for this cycle. even if it ends i will be grateful that we feel finally feel like a real team in this. i don't want him disappointed & heartbroken like i can get, but it's nice to know that he really is invested & committed & thinking about things like pee juice.


ps- today is our one year anniversary of trying. one year ago was the first time we took the plunge. i don't even know right now where my thoughts are on the current state of affairs- so i'm reflecting on the past year. it has been a lot of down, a couple ups, and overall i am thankful for the exoerience & change in myself, my husband & our relationship. that which does not kill us & all that. I know we understand each other better than ever before and after 11 years it's nice to know we can still grow together. this year has had it's share of disappointment & heartache, hardships & fights. but it's also had a lot of funny, warm, loving & happy moments too. after a year we are still trying, but we are trying together & we'll get there eventually. i don't know when or even how- but we'll be parents & danm good ones too.

killing time

this is tough- i want so much to supress hope because i know my mind-body connection is strong. i don't want the false symptoms & subsequent hope crushing dissapointment, but i don't have many symptoms right now at all. i feel full- especially right after eating even if it's not much. i have very mild cramps occasionally- yesterday i put it off to eating some b&j creme brulee ice cream (fyi- that stuff is dangerous for a creme brulee lover!). i am kind of cranky & really tired- like falling asleep at 8 tired. but i've had some long days. and it's not like cramps & irritability aren't normal before af.

but- even with my lack of sypmtoms & fear of hope- here she is. it's currently 13 dpo & believe me af is not showing up today. i had dreams all night about testing- i actually tested at work & peed on my hand, but got a positive & didn't care. i was at a train station with my parents & got text messages from my ladies asking why i wouldn't just test already!

and i will- i promise i will tomorrow. i don't have the willpower (or need) to wait until thursday. but i am a little scared that the lack of symptoms really means i messed up on my assumption it was a cd18 ovulation & it's really cd20. that would make me only 11 dpo today & no sign of AF would be normal. i just really hate the bfn's & i promised myself (and my concerned hubby) after last time that i wouldn't test again until i was actually late. i am just having some doubts about my doubts! i want to make sure that yes i am really late & not fooling myself again. plus- to be completely 100% honest, i am a little freaked out that i WILL see a second line tomorrow morning. after a year how will i believe it's real... you'll all have to give me a few slaps in the face. which you probably want to do anyway since i keep whining about testing! ;o)

m- i was a good good girl this am- but looking at my temp i am pretty sure if i wait until tomorrow morning it will be a miracle! be ready for an early text- even if it's not good news.