hope is a very elusive thing for me right now. i feel like i have lost track of it. i used to be so optimistic too. now- i am not saying i have become a pessimist, but i have noticed that my lack of visualization has led to an absence of hope lately. i am trying to recover from this, but it's hard. it is just such an odd feeling to be so focused on one thing for 8 months of your life & be so hopeful that ~this~ is the month. then it isn't. you cry- you sob- you throw a little pity party. then you pick yourself back up & get back in the game. hope returns & you are once again sure that ~this~ is the month.
now i am not sure. it's not even close to time for the "trying" portion this month & I am already sure it will be a wash. hope has not returned. i am just too damn tired of being let down.
i am hoping that hope returns, but hope hurts. i sit at my desk every day & every time i look right i see my 38 weeks pregnant friend. i get to hear about all the "fun stuff" as she calls it about being pregnant and how she can't wait until it's over. i can't even see it happening to me period. my hope of ever getting to be in her shoes is fading by the day as she counts down to seeing her perfect little miracle. every time i hold a baby i no longer think when me- but why not me. it really sucks & i just want it to stop. the absolute worst part is that there is nothing in the world that i can do right now to make it better. i can only keep doing what i am, have sex at all the right times (and even the wrong ones) and wait. wait to ovulate. wait to see if it worked. wait to ovulate again.
thank god for my husband. he is strong when i need him to be & he is trying his little heart out to pick me back up. he's not used to doing it because i have always been able to pick myself up before- but he is learning. now if he can just remember when we should get it on & manage to get me pregnant before i come crashing down again- that would be ideal ;o)
5 comments:
Ah yes. I can relate to not being able to picture myself pregnant. 6 months ago I could. Now that visualization is slowly leaving.
~hugs~. I wish no one had to feel this stupid hopelessness of ttc after many failed months.
but, when it does happen, and it most likely will happen, you'll feel something i can't even explain to you. It's something a 'newbie' will ~never~ feel. And it's the best feeling in the world.
I sit here trying to be more specific in what I am talking about. But I can't explain it. You'll understand when it happens to you and you'll suddenly be ~okay~ with it taking so long. It'll all suddenly be worth it. And even after all the pain, you won't want to trade in the feeling you have. You'll know it when it happens. I promise.
Thanks Nancy- I really needed that right now!
I know that ~when~ (not if!!!) it happens it will be worth it- and more. It's just so easy to lose focus of that end when you don't know when it's coming.
This is exactly what I have been feeling lately. I used to have the "when?" but now it is turning into an "if?"
Thanks for writing and sharing this.
I came via the creme. Thanks for the post. I sometimes have those days too. It seems as though the more cycles that pass it drives it home that sometimes hope disappears. Yet somehow each month I pull out the calendar and calculate. I know you are tired but try to let hope creep back in. Hugs.
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