hope has crept back into my heart & mind. i feel slightly off lately- but my mind says it's nothing. my heart has latched on completely and i am getting carried away! last night i fell alseep convinced that i am indeed pregnant. i woke up having to reconvince myself that i am not so that the lack of a second line doesn't hurt as bad. what doesn't help this is that i have very little actual 'symptoms' to base this conviction on. i am slightly bloated on occasion, * TMI* i have super creamy (almost paste-like) cm, i bit tom's head off last night for absolutely no reason whatsoever. none of these are even close to being real symptoms. the only 'real' symptom i had was 2-3 days of mild cramping in the afternoon. which is probably my mind's doing, not a little bean.
another blow is that i called my parents last night- just to chat. they called back, i chatted with my dad & then he passed the phone to my mom. my mom found out from my sister that we are ttc- i am not mad at my sis for saying something- and only a fellow ttc'er would understand that i would be- because i know my sis was worried about me. but i didn't want to tell my mom because i don't want to hear questions, i don't want advice, and i certainly don't want to cry anymore- which is what i will do every time i talk about it with someone new. especially my mom. i only want to tell her happy exciting news- not miserable i feel like a failure news. anyway- now i know that she knows- but she has been very good about not saying anything. last night though i could hear it in her voice that she thought this was 'the' call- the big happy announcement. she kept asking me if i had anything new going on- or anything else... it broke my heart a little more just to realize that i might- but not yet & who knows when. i don't want to hurt her by not sharing this with her- but i am too fragile right now to go there again.
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