even though it's still a few days from the new year, i have decided i wanted a fresh start. in reading over my last post it felt to whiny, too bitchy, too knee jerk reaction. i think it reflected more of my own foul mood rather than what this christmas was actually like. basically- i didn't want to read it again myself & i deleted it. i just thought i would explain that here.
i don't want to dwell on how shitty i feel about not being pregnant, about not being a mom. i haven't been able to shake this feeling lately & i want to put an end to it. i hate that i should be somewhat excited about making my appointment & looking forward to getting some possible answers, but the ONLY thing i can think about is the futility of it. why bother even getting tested- it doesn't change anything. i still won't be able to get pregnant. on the one had- if they find a reason there is a slight chance that whatever it takes to fix it will be covered by my insurance. if it isn't then i will be stuck. stuck knowing what is wrong & what could fix it, but most likely unable to do a damn thing about it for a while because we have no more savings.
on the other (more likely) hand, if we are 'unexplained' then we are certainly stalled for the same reason. no money=no treatments that cost over $200-300 a month (& even that means some serious budget crucnching right now). essentially- i am pretty sure that the only thing we will be able to do is clomid (or equivalent). and since i don't seem to have an ovulation problem- other than ovulating late-ish, i don't see that really making a difference. how ironic is it that i am hoping that something is found- something that my insurance will fix. something that means we won't have to wait any longer. we are just getting our feet under us & are slowly digging our way out from under the mound the shop put us under. it is unrealistic to think that we can afford a couple hundred bucks every month that really should go to paying things off & THEN saving for treatments.
then again- this is a bleak holiday season. maybe next year, next month, next week i will feel better. more refreshed & ready to tackle the next hurdle. but right now i just want to curl up with the hub & a beer, watch some mindless tv & forget about my pathetic little miseries.
but some small, but apparently noisy, part of me still has some hope. i hope that there isn't anything wrong with either of us & that we don't need an RE. despite all the mounting evidence- i don't want to have to go to another specialist for another unknown problem. i'm tired of being broken & having to have surgery to fix me. but i am more tired of not being a mommy- so even if takes years more to save (whether for some form of ART or for adoption) i will do it. i just need to work up to it right now, my energy is down & it's going to take a little bit to get my chipper self back.
2 comments:
You never have to apologize for your feelings and dreams. These are completely normal reactions, and you are entitled to feel the way you are feeling. Take a breath, breath deep and easy. Take all the time you need to go as far and as fast as you want to go with the dr's and testing. You will be ready when you are ready and not on anyone else's timeline. Be gentle and kind to yourself and your hubby! Drink beer and watch mindless tv!
Ok. Let me preface this by saying I respond to my own issues in the EXACT SAME WAY!
You seem ahead of yourself, scared of the possiblities of what is wrong. Your creating a cushion to manage the potential blow of what an RE may find. It is totally understandable.
But remember, information is power. The most liberating thing will be to find out that you do have a problem and find out what its solutions are.
When I first found out I had a jacked up uterus, I cried for weeks, only in part because of how crazy it was. Ultimately, I was scared that the whole of my thirties would be devoured by this monster. But we make our own paths, we can take breaks, we can change course. Knowing is just the beginning.
Good luck.
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