the week that changes it all?

the hub has a new job. he started today- it's more a check it out situation rather than a typical 'first day on the new job'. it's sales- which he's never done, but i think he'd be amazing at. it seems like a good deal- 401K, benefits, no steady salary though. it's 100% commission. he has a potential for a really good salary (about 2/3 what i make in a month he could make in a week) & tomorrow is day 2 of training, when he will be selling instead of just riding along. we'll see how it goes, but i really hope it goes well. it seems like this could be our break- first a car (yay! just needs an engine- boo!) now a possible good job with insurance & everything, and maybe, just maybe...ah- who am i kidding- i doubt that there's going to be even more good news this week, i just don't believe it's going to be possible for us without more of a struggle. the good news is that with this new job we just might get the chance to do that sooner.

after this past year i am fearful of any good news, i still feel like the rug's going to get pulled out from under us at any time. i hope that it all pans out but i'm still looking behind & around to see what's going to hit next. i wonder when i will be able to relax & celebrate good news & opportunities without wondering what the catch is.

in other news- i am slightly confused by my chart this month- i don't think it means anything one way or the other- i just noticed that the pattern is completely different from any other month. my post-o temps are still in their normal range, but the past few days i've had a slow fall when i normally have a slow rise this time. i'm extremely cranky, but my boobs haven't been sore until today when i'm usually bitching for a whole week before af shows up. bah- it all means nothing anyway- if my temps don't plummet i will probably test friday or saturday. if they do i just wait. it does seem to get easier to go through the months in a way- i'm more numb & a little less invested in each cycle. i still want it as badly & i still wish as much, but i never think "this is IT!" i think all symptoms are phantom or merely products of the apparently massive amounts of progesterone i have (at least this month!) or signs that af will be showing up promptly.
i do still pray that it's this month, i ask for a little help or a good word from my granma to any higher powers she's hanging around with just in case she's up there wondering how she could help. then again- maybe this past week was her after all. i think tonight i'll say a little thank you instead of a please.