our little pirate- more pics

this was just a quick cell phone pic- i'va added a few more:

the whole get-up, pirate 'ship', 'parrot', sword & all.

proof she didn't hate the costume the whole time!

showing her disconcern at this whole halloween thing

getting into character

why, mommie, why?

and yes- i totally drew a fake moustache on my 7 month old. i made sure it was non-toxic eyeliner & it was freaking tough to get those 3 lines drawn! it lasted all of 2 minutes to get a few photos because the hub was extremely concerned that everyone would think she is a boy. i figured the plethora of pink clothing & accessories would temper that- but alas... even without the fake facial hair i still got tons of 'he is a cute pirate' and 'what's he going as tonight'. it was a really fun night- my block was crazy packed as always & pumpkin & i got to hand out candy for about an hour before we left for a friend's halloween party. i got there early to do her makeup & hair & stayed until 9 or so. she was awesome the whole time & didn't freak out despite there being some freaky costumes showing up. once more people started arriving we headed out- she had fallen asleep in the sling, but i didn't want her out too late & getting off her sleep schedule too bad. with daylight savings it actually worked out fairly well as she is already back on her usual schedule today.

now i get to count down to the next exciting event on our horizon! i am so excited & can't wait to meet the whole fam- but especially to get to give my bud nancy a big ole hug!

tricks & treats

pumpkin's first halloween tonight. let me just say that this is probably my favorite holiday. i love this 3 month period of 'the holidays' in general- the comfort of food & family & good cheer at thanksgiving & christmas. (and who doesn't love presents- really?!) but something about halloween really resonates with me. i was a very shy kid & getting to dress up & pretend to be someone else held a magic for me. it may be why my first choice of career was actress. i have been looking forward to taking my child out on my favorite holiday. dressing them up into perfect little characters (even if the costumes themselves are imperfect- i can't do halloween with a pre-fab costume. it must be hand made- that's just part of it for me)

the 3-ish years before this day have been so bittersweet. anyone ttc or dealing with if knows the pain of the holidays without the child you are hoping, praying, wishing for. this holiday season is even more magical because of the anticipation, because of the pain of getting through what we hoped was the last child-free season. Even being pregnant last season- while amazing & not painful- built up the anticipation for this one. i want perfection- but i already know that i can't plan perfection. perfection happens in the spontaneous moments- the magic of your kid ripping their handmade costume off & eating it. and life has been a little crazy lately- what with going back to work & then the hub was sick 2 days this week. plus with having to budget with not getting paid for an entire month i really can't buy a thing that isn't absolutely necessary & already accounted for. which means that since the pumpkins we got at the pumpkin patch all rotted away- i have no decorations except for the piles of fallen leaves. i can't even find my construction paper to make ghetto decorations & not having carved pumpkins is kind of killing me right now.
then again- i barely found the time over the last month to make her costume. there's just so much to do & so little time. i don't want to waste my time with her after work by doing anything at all- plus she absolutely loves paper & will move her little butt super quick to get it to her mouth. so being able to make what i have done so far is pretty good. i feel like i have to keep remembering the #1 lesson i have learned in these 7 months (well- 3 years really!)- nothing ever really goes according to plan. all i can do is plan for what could happen & be flexible for what does happen. and just let go. and let myself live the magic of the everyday. because we are truly blessed to be here- experiencing the firsts, and no matter what the day brings (because it will most likely be raining - oh & the freaking world series is coming to town tonight) it really will be perfect.

i will be sure to post some pictures of the awesomeness that is pumpkin's costume before we do our little bit of trick or treating! i hope everyone has a safe & wonderful night- even if this isn't your holiday!

father's day

wow... one year ago (almost to the day) pumpkin was literally a dream. cycle #20 & our first (thankfully only) iui was about to start. the hub & i were nervous- okay- terrified- for the cycle to work. and overjoyed & amazed when it did. despite the layoff & the worry we have about financials now (more on that below) we are so happy & overjoyed with what the past year has brought us. our perfect little miracle. the hub's little clone. the love of our lives on this first father's day...

i am feeling much more relaxed about the unemployment. the hub qualifies for a grant for schooling- which will cover the classes needed to get his inspection licenses & then some. so he can then get much better paying, more stable job- most likely making enough to support us. i am not giving up hope for my career- still looking & updating resume, etc. but i do think that it will be a good long while & i am hopeful (though not counting on) getting my job back. thanks to a wonderfully generous gift from my sister & brother in law that we can think of as a loan, gift, or bribe to get us down to visit- we are able to live without jobs for at least another 2 months so the hub can go to school. i can't lie- i am really enjoying being home with her. i don't know if i would be truly happy being a sahm forever, but i think i could do with the first 6 months. it really does make bfing much easier & i would love to be able to continue to bf for the first year.

well- she is cranking for a diaper change- time to go!

1 month

today my angel is a month old. she is still so new yet seems so big to me in so many ways. while she can (& does still) eat every 2-2-1/2 hours on occasion, we are slowly stretching to 3 or sometimes a rare 4 hour stretch between meals. we are mastering breastfeeding- to the point that excursions out don't really need to be scheduled around feedings. they do go much better if they are though.

she holds her head up at a 45 when on her tummy. not for more than a minute, but she does it. she's also held herself up with her arms for a few moments. she talks & sings in her sleep & i have gotten her to truly smile at me twice while playing! she loves her bath now that she can be submerged & her hair is getting longer & lighter. she has got to weigh 10 pounds- based on the stand-on-scale-with-baby, then-without method of weighing her (highly accurate- i know!)

i do get a little nervous having her out a lot with everything going on right now, but i can't keep her in a bubble forever-right? i can just be smart about where i take her & the precautions that make sense. no one touches my baby without me watching them wash their hands & i have found the sling to be an excellent transportation device to discourage strangers from breathing all over her. i still take her out almost every day though- she loves the car & the stroller so much. yesterday she was fussy going back in her carseat while out- a few revs of the engine & she passed out again. future gearhead like her daddy?

all in all she is a wonderful baby. i get between 5-7 hours of sleep a night (interrupted of course!) but she goes back down to sleep in her cradle pretty consistently. if she fusses it's usually in the evening for an hour or so & then it's almost always gas. she uses her pacifier only occasionally to sooth herself when overtired & once it pops out sh doesn't wake up to get it back. she's so vocal that i think she might talk early & i am sure the first word will be dada since she s his tiny female clone. she makes all his faces & when she wakes up it is the most adorable thing to watch her expression get alternately grump & then peaceful without ever opening an eye.

i just can't believe how quickly she has gone from this:

to this:

so much to do, so little time

this is probably the most boring kind of post, but i need to organize my thoughts!
today is insane & tomorrow is my shower! it's at my house but i didn't do anything except hand over names & addresses. oh yeah- and clean the shit out of my house & threaten the hub with months of sleeping in the garage if the kitchen didn't get some major attention. the good news is that the kitchen got some major attention! he had a week off between jobs (new one is 5 blocks away & pays better with a better environment! just in time!) and busted ass getting the rest of the ceiling drywall in, the rest of the drywall up on walls that were just studs for much longer than i care to admit, tearing down & rebuilding the low wall between the kitchen & the stairs so it was done properly & at a better height, spackling, priming & even got paint on the backsplash. it's not finished by any stretch of the imagination, but it's close. another couple weekends & we'll have a major renovation that has taken us 2-1/2 years done(heh- we started the kitchen reno 2 months before we started trying for a baby & 4 months before the hub opened the shop- which is why it has taken so freaking long. no money+no time+an impatient hub that started demo before we had materials purchased= living in what amounts to a squatters hovel for way too long) i will be so glad to see this done- i don't even care about the many many compromises i have made along the way. as a designer they sting occasionally, but to see a finished product i can live with not getting what i want 100%.

i cleaned the bathroom last night. i may have overdone it a bot. while my bathroom is sparkling clean, i definitely felt a contraction at the end. i've had very random braxton-hicks for the past 2 weeks or so. sometimes a full week in between, so not too many at all really. but i've had them & last night's was the strongest. so i stopped & went to sit down. but i must be nesting because i just couldn't sit still & was up & down getting bedding together for our many guests so i could make beds today. finally i had to pick up some crochet work i haven't had time to do for months just to keep me off my feet. i went to bed & had a really crappy nights sleep. tossing & turning all night long. the poor hub was up at 6 (or earlier) because of me & when he could have been very grumpy with no sleep he just said he couldn't wait to get up even more often during the night & gave me a kiss. he's really gotten much sweeter as i get closer to the end. i love it & hope it lasts!

we have my best friend from ny coming in tonight- she organized the shower; the hub's best friend from ny, his fiance & their little girl (3 months) coming in also. luckily we have my cradle & a packnplay for them but i need to go out & get cradle sheets since i don't have any yet. i also need a few essentials like milk, bread, eggs & maybe some sausage or bacon for breakfast. i can't get too much though because my mom & sis are coming tomorrow morning & they need room in the fridge for the ton & a half of food my mom made. i know she went overboard, she's been calling or e-mailing me about 3 times a week to give me status updates. now- the shower isn't a surprise, but all the details are. i never even saw an invitation & that's fine. i didn't want to have to plan my shower & i am happy that someone else did it! my mom is just really excited & food is love with her, so no matter how many times i remind her that i am not planning everything- she still has to tell me all about what she's done. it's really cute & she is just happy, so i don't mind knowing all the goodies she's making.

i still have to close on the refi today- hopefully that happens this afternoon. then while i am out i need to find a cradle sheet to fit my cradle from when i was a baby. although- if this little girl coming is as big as i think she is- she won't fit in the cradle anyway. i should really find out how much she weighs!

the floors all need to be cleaned & all the furniture dusted. i need to put the couch cover on &keep the dogs off it after that. all while working from home this morning. ack. so much to do!

oh- and i need to figure out how to paint my toes since i had gotten open toed wedges to go with my dress for tomorrow. i can't freaking reach them. the hub will not do a good job- my sister comes tomorrow. maybe i can ask her... things i never thought i would have to worry about!

so much excitement!

first of all- my wonderful bloggy buddy nancy is now safely resting with her new little boy! i can't believe how quickly 38 weeks flew by. and since we are exactly 10 weeks apart- it blows my mind to think that could be me in 10 weeks! (although i am pretty sure this little girl is going to be quite comfy for at least 12.5 weeks. i doubt i will go early at all.)

secondly- i was doing a little updating & checking out my registries (yes- i did two- in case the b-r-u isn't convenient for everyone! plus i like the offerings at good ole targ.et better overall & more economical since i am such a frugal girl at heart!) anyway- someone actually freaking bought me something!!! i am super excited- i will be the proud owner of a very cute chocolate swirl bopp.y! it's such a little & superfluous thing to get excited over, but it has really made my night! as hard as it is for me to ask for things, this has really made me swell up a little. i absolutely love my friends & family & would do anything for them. to see a little blip of how i am loved in return (and caiden too of course!) makes me feel so loved. how shallow is that- they say money can't buy you love, but apparently i'm a sucker for cute baby gear!

thirdly- my sister was talking with me & flat out asked me to decide between the crib, travel system & breast pump for her gift. i was floored. i did not expect a 'big ticket item' from her. i guess she was serious all those months ago when she said she was going to get me the coach diaper bag, pretty much so that one day she would be able to get it back. she's not able to get pregnant right now, and who knows when she will be able to function enough off her meds to be able to. so her generosity towards her niece is so much more appreciated. i know how hard it is to not be able to get pregnant, but to not be allowed to must be a different kind of hell altogether. i have been thinking about surrogacy for her. it's been floating in the back of my mind since her diagnosis & being told she shouldn't have children. i know she isn't quite ready to start a family yet, but in a few years it's definitely a conversation i am willing to have with her.

finally- the nursery is done tomorrow! the final trim goes up & the shelves get painted. we now have a beautiful little antique armoire from a friend's mom that will be very useful for all bedding (not just caiden's, but ours as well. it will just live in her room. the thought that our little girl will be in our arms in around 80 days or so is amazing to me. i will see her & hold her & wish she would sleep more than 2 hours at a time! the moments i have dreamed about for years are around the corner. i am reveling in the calm before the storm so to speak. i am enjoying these last weeks of being a 2 person family, which just 8 months ago seemed like such a lonely number. now it is a very sweet time of just enjoying each other & building up those happy memories to hold on to when we are both sleep deprived & are sure to say things we don't mean.

i am feeling very content, very happy, blessed & grateful right now. i can't wait until i get to hold my little girl safely in my arms, but i am treasuring these last few slices of time that it's just the hub & i.

what do you get for four years?

yesterday marked the hub & i celebrating 4 years of wedded bliss... i can't recall what the traditional present is. just looked it up- fruit & flowers. well- i got these lovelies from my parents:

the hub actually surprised me with a very thoughtful & pretty card & a big chrome heart full of chocolate. and dinner waiting on the table for when i got home. it was such a nice anniversary. no bootie, but still very nice! it's also the last anniversary where it's just us. so strange to think about now- with less than 3 months to go it's all getting so very very real!

the belly has officially popped & i am looking mighty preggo! i'll have to take my pic tomorrow & share- i am far too beat tonight. i had a long day at work & then have been wrapping my mind around some pretty heavy financial stuff. we are hoping to refi the house & pay stuff off & lower our monthly payments. which is good because i still don't know about maternity leave & now the hub is worried about losing his job since his new shop isn't doing so great. all a lot of stress in a very short amount of time. i just hope it ends up working out. best case scenario- we have $500 extra every month- that goes a long way towards daycare (almost 3 weeks worth). which means we can worry less about what to cut or how to make it work- since it just will. we also get a little 2 month break from paying the mortgage. which can do a lot of good! & hopefully the hub either gets a new, better paying job- or gets to stay at this one for at least the next year.

worst case scenario- we get $300 extra a month, but the hub is out of work & now those extra mortgage payments are going to float us until he gets a new job. which would suck. but i guess we'd just make it work somehow.

wish us luck.
it's been a tough but wonderful 4 years for us. a lot of changes have happened, some good, some bad, some wonderful, some scary. we've both grown up, but we're still the same goofy kids who fell in love over 13 years ago. here's my 2 favorite photos from our wedding- i think they sum us up perfectly.

thanks and more thanks

yesterday was a beautiful perfect day- after a rocky start...

the hub woke up grumpy & when one thing goes wrong in that mood- everything starts to go wrong. he has some anger issues in that he can't communicate well when angry & either needs to be left alone completely to scream & yell at whatever inanimate object is on his bad side, or he needs to get snapped out of it before it gets to that point. unfortunately- when we are rushing around trying to get to my aunt's for noon which means leaving the house by 11, snapping him out of it means starting a fight... so i walked away & continued to get myself ready. he kept up the yelling at inanimate objects thing for a while- at one point i thought he was actually hurt as i could hear him 2 floors up! nope- just a cranky bastard! thankfully- he pulled himself together, finally apologized to me, and we were off with friend in tow. an hour later than i wanted to be...


but my aunt's house at thanksgiving is one of those magical places that has actually retained the rosy glowed hue from childhood. it's changed as the cast of characters has all grown up & new ones have joined, our elders have all left. but the warmth & love hits you as soon as you walk in the door. my parents & sister were there. my cousin (who might as well be a sister) came with her family. all the cousins were there- including some from wisconsin- flying in to spend the weekend. there were two cute little dogs and lots of wonderful food. we had 23 at the table and even though my friend had never met half the people there- i ended up losing track of her at one point as she was enveloped by my family. new traditions that were started in previous years were kept up- playing rock band after dinner instead of watching football. just so you know i am an ace lead guitar player! and the hub ~stinks~ at the drums. despite the fact that he plays them for real! but he never picked up the video game concept of it.


my goddaughter was there- she is now 14 & so grown up it's scary. i don't get to see her & her little brother enough so they are always so different every time i do. her little brother is now 4 & the hub was in heaven playing with him. he got to use his patented 'wet willy' technique that he is perfecting to use on caiden. only once she can understand what it is of course. which is pretty evil of a dad to plan years in advance! but he was having a blast- i know he will be a great dad, but it's nice to see little reassurances in his interactions with kids.


there was a ton of fantastic wine & great microbrewed beer. i looked on with big sad puppy eyes & a few sniffs here & there to smell what i was missing. not that wine or beer ever really smelled good before- but it sure does now! i am debating what my 'special occasion' small glass will be now. the entire family wouldn't let me have a sip anyway- so that knocked thanksgiving out. the hub is ever vigilant about even a sip of caffeine or soda, so no christmas since it's just us for that holiday. maybe new years or our anniversary. i'll be 27-28 weeks. officially into the third trimester at that point. (or just about in) i think i'll be good then...


even if i skip it this entire pregnancy, i'm fine with that. i really don't miss drinking all that much (do i sound like a lush or what?!) sure- i liked my wine a lot when ttc & i hit the red end of a cycle. i do enjoy really good beers- we are close enough to a six pack store where you can make your own variety six pack out of any of their loose microbrews that my beer snobbery has increased tenfold. in fact- that's what i want to celebrate our daughter's birth. no champagne for me- i want a good dark belgian beer. and if i wait until after giving birth to have it- i am okay with that. i don't think it's bad to have one drink your entire pregnancy. celebrations happen, occasions get marked, a beverage gets raised in toast. but every chance i get i hold back. i don't know why- i just keep thinking- well, i don't need it for this particular occasion. i can wait for the next one. maybe it's my small sliver of if coming out. i still don't want to jinx this.


i keep thinking that someday soon this will all truly seem real. all during the day yesterday i got the pregnant girl treatment. it was my first dose of really intense, hours of attention & focus, belly rubbing & baby talk that i have had yet. of course- it's far more comfortable for me because it's all family. and i have to admit- i really fucking loved it! but it still felt surreal. like i was an actor in a play, not really the pregnant woman getting fawned over. my cousin was holding my belly & swears she felt caiden moving. i say she was way too high & it was just food in intestines. (mmmm- yummy!) so my sister took a nose dive towards us & elbowed the cousin out of the way so she could feel. i still say that 22 weeks is way to early to feel any outside movement, but it of course sparked my sister & my mom to have to hold the belly for a good ten minutes each to see if they could feel something too! and all the time i was thinking that i barely feel her consistently. and even though it makes me smile in wonder each time i do- it still doesn't quite feel real. i talk to her, i have her room started, i tell her all my plans & hopes & dreams for her. her daddy kisses her good morning through my belly. and it still doesn't feel real.


i have brief intense moments when it finally hits me. i am usually in that weird place between awake & asleep & i suddenly lose my breath completely as i truly realize that we are going to be parents. that i have our child in my belly. that in 4 short months we will be a very tired & very happy family. that despite how much we have left to do in this house & our life- we are having a daughter. the realization is so strong that i literally am left gasping for air. and then it goes again & my life continues as before. in this strange dream-state of knowing i am indeed pregnant. i am indeed feeling a new life inside me, but it's still not quite real. as real as i want it to be anyway. and that might be a very good thing if realization is still that strong & powerful for me to experience.




anyway- it's actually been a very productive week off. i got my inordinately expensive paint for the nursery. i overbought by a lot when estimating how much i would need for stripes on one wall. i should have done the color samples, but got full pints instead. idiot! so i will have tons of leftover paint. if anyone wants any- let me know. it's low voc too. i got the no-voc paint for the main color, but it didn't come in pints so i had to make do. (although it meets the requirements for a leed certified project for the paint credit- so that works for me!) my sister & brother-in-law came over on wednesday & were my fantastic work crew. i still have to do second (& some third!) coats on the walls as this is only the second coat of paint to ever go on them- there was 1930's wallcovering under the 1960's fake wood paneling we tore down & our house is from the 30's...


but here are some progress shots for you. now- my sister said she was reserving judgment until the room was all complete. but keep in mind that the crazy wall does get the changing table & two shelves on it. there will be artwork & photos on the walls & a rug is to be installed in the next couple of weeks, as well as trim & then crown moulding. so it will look less circus like...

the beginning of the day

the end of the day:

the black shelf on the wall will have a mate & both be painted white. when the tape comes off it will be white stripes between the colors. it also looks much darker in the photo. but it is a very different take on a nursery. i get that. i am a designer though & my house has been my drawing board. i wanted something modern, funky & bright. the bedding i chose is predominately white with little dots of color... here if you are interested. i think with all the white accents i want to put in- the bright colors will be welcome. and if we (or she) grows to hate it- it's only paint! easy to fix!

take two

Today is cd11. I figured out how to post via e-mail from my phone today since the hub took our laptop with him to pick up my laptop.

posting via cell phone was not as successful as i had hoped! take two:

the weekend staff is very sweet & friendly at the clinic. i hadn't met them yet & they were so warm & supportive. i had just said hello to the u/s tech when she says 'we'll just take a peek, see where you are & then work on getting you pregnant!' it was a little too perky & rainbow filled for me, but very positive & nice to hear none the less. i just answered 'i sure hope so because this is the only one we can do for a good many months.'

so she takes a peek & i have one follie on each side- both measuring about 11mm. i know she took a measurement of my lining- just said that everything looks great (i didn't think to get the number until after the appointment, but i will ask when i call for my b/w results)

she then left to let m get dressed & check all the measurements & schedule my next visit. they are going to see me first thing thursday- when hopefully i ill have two big fat juicy follies & get my trigger shot. i was then told to have sex every other day until then & we'll see you then.

i was hoping to have at least one over 9mm. i am thinking that best case i will be ready to go thursday & have the iui friday. worst case- they will want to see me again either friday to monday & the iui will be sometime the following week. either way- i really want to be as positive as my chipper tech & hope this works.

but if it doesn't- i at least have this:

that is my new bike- in pieces in the hatch if the hubs car. it looks scarier than it is- he claims it's in great shape & tomorrow i may have pics of me actually on the bike! yesterday i went out with the hub on the back of his- i hadn't been on his bike in over a year! it was really nice & i was much more comfortable now that i have learned more about it. his bike is a cafe racer- as a passenger it is quit uncomfortable & a bit scary. but i have my full face helmet & i am good to go now! see the next post for the silly picture of 'lady helmet'!

we watched & set off some fireworks in the back alley last night- it was really fun. nothing too big, but it was a good time. i leave you with a few pics of that. i hope everyone's holiday was as relaxing & happy as mine surprisingly turned out to be.

the week that changes it all?

the hub has a new job. he started today- it's more a check it out situation rather than a typical 'first day on the new job'. it's sales- which he's never done, but i think he'd be amazing at. it seems like a good deal- 401K, benefits, no steady salary though. it's 100% commission. he has a potential for a really good salary (about 2/3 what i make in a month he could make in a week) & tomorrow is day 2 of training, when he will be selling instead of just riding along. we'll see how it goes, but i really hope it goes well. it seems like this could be our break- first a car (yay! just needs an engine- boo!) now a possible good job with insurance & everything, and maybe, just maybe...ah- who am i kidding- i doubt that there's going to be even more good news this week, i just don't believe it's going to be possible for us without more of a struggle. the good news is that with this new job we just might get the chance to do that sooner.

after this past year i am fearful of any good news, i still feel like the rug's going to get pulled out from under us at any time. i hope that it all pans out but i'm still looking behind & around to see what's going to hit next. i wonder when i will be able to relax & celebrate good news & opportunities without wondering what the catch is.

in other news- i am slightly confused by my chart this month- i don't think it means anything one way or the other- i just noticed that the pattern is completely different from any other month. my post-o temps are still in their normal range, but the past few days i've had a slow fall when i normally have a slow rise this time. i'm extremely cranky, but my boobs haven't been sore until today when i'm usually bitching for a whole week before af shows up. bah- it all means nothing anyway- if my temps don't plummet i will probably test friday or saturday. if they do i just wait. it does seem to get easier to go through the months in a way- i'm more numb & a little less invested in each cycle. i still want it as badly & i still wish as much, but i never think "this is IT!" i think all symptoms are phantom or merely products of the apparently massive amounts of progesterone i have (at least this month!) or signs that af will be showing up promptly.
i do still pray that it's this month, i ask for a little help or a good word from my granma to any higher powers she's hanging around with just in case she's up there wondering how she could help. then again- maybe this past week was her after all. i think tonight i'll say a little thank you instead of a please.

luck of the draw

so- yesterday was my birthday & it actually turned out to be a pretty good day. it wasn't exactly how i wanted it, but i found some stuff out & can't complain (well too much... i'll get to that)

i was woken up with my usual cup of coffee in bed by my husband. contain yourselves ladies- he's all mine!!! he also brought me a candle, not on anything- no english muffin, just a tea light for me to make a wish & blow out. sweet, funny little man.

work was busy, but in a good way. my manager said hello when i first walked in very cheerfully- a very little thing, but she & i have a sometimes difficult past relationship & every little thing counts. the intern told me she thought i was 23, not 28 (i got a lot of "no kidding!" when i told people how old i am which always makes you feel pretty good). my manager took out our whole group for lunch which was relaxing & fun. when we got back there was double chocolate cake (with milk!) and a pitiful office rendition of happy birthday. it's so funny to be on the receiving end of it! as an office, we really do make "happy birthday" sound like a funeral hymn.

i was told that my hubby had "stuff to do" & couldn't talk to me when I called around 5. i wanted to remind him that the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a doctor's appointment for him, but he sidestepped it. so i go home, having to stop to pick up tampons- yay!- and i walked in to dinner made & a cute little cake with ahppy birthday candles. he also actually got a card, which i think is a first for my actual birthday. it's either gesture, gift, or card. never 2 out of 3. so- cake was really yummy- and i felt absolutely no guilt for eating 2 different cakes- it's my birthday dammit! oh wait- i had cake for breakfast at work yesterday... still-birthday!

i also got a bunch of cards, a couple text messages, a few myspace messages, calls, & a birthday package from my sis. i think it was the most thought of i have felt for my birthday in a long time. and i drank it up! this is why i love my birthday. i love to bask in the warm glow of friendship, love, & caring. it's just too bad it's so concentrated only once a year!

now to the complaint portion- tom has STILL not made an appointment. i have asked, cajoled, pleaded, ordered, bitched, cried, begged, & bribed. today is his absolute last chance. all he needs to do is sit with a doc, get a general physical & checkup & squirt in a cup. except for the cup, it's all covered & painless. and it's ALL i asked for. i didn't want a gift, i didn't want tickets, or jewelry, or flowers. i want a baby. i want to know if there is an issue with one of us. i would love to jump start my appointment, but i can't with my insurance's one year wait. and right now we can't afford to not have the initial stuff covered. not with the shop still taking off & the holidays around the corner. i'm saving him time, money, & effort. well, some effort. but is it really so fucking hard to call and make an appointment! i know it isn't & if one isn't made by the end of the day- i am calling tomorrow & making it for him. happy birthday to my damn self!

* by the way- here is my birthday surprise- a deliciously decadent homemade cake from my hubby (isn't he sweet- despite the fact that he still hasn't made an appointment- more to come on that):