i am in a funk. i thought i had shaken it, but i haven't. last night i went to see the satc movie with a bunch of ladies. (*spoiler alert if you want to see it- skip to the second paragraph)i couldn't stop crying when charlotte announced her pregnancy. as she was talking about how 'her doctor told her when some couples stop trying it happens' and she started crying- cue waterworks for me. i don't know if i was crying more because i am a total sap & really do cry at all that stuff in movies- or because it perpetuates the myths & paints a rainbow filled picture of IF that i can't ever imagine being real. for me- i am starting to face down the reality that i am truly infertile. and i may never get to be charlotte- with her beautiful adopted daughter & a surprise pregnancy. i just wish that i could transport myself into that movie & character & bypass the heartbreak, wait, wonder, desperation, & worry. i just want a little hollywood magic in my too real life. is that too much to ask for?
i now move on to waiting again. my period sees to be done- which is nice because yet again it was much quicker & far less painful than usual. i really want to say it gives me hope that my body is doing something, but i feel like i have to check that hope & stop it short. it's just getting too hard to recover from the hope hangover. it's also getting harder to imagine myself actually being a mother. i am getting depressed & cranky. i am bitching & snapping more at the hub. we make up moments later- but i know it's the stress of not knowing why we can't get pregnant & not being able to move forward with treatments. i am seriously considering seeing a psychic just so i can have someone tell me that yes or no i am looking for. the not knowing. that is what rips me apart every month. i still can't resign myself to it not ever working- i sometimes think that would be much easier to live with. but... i am fighting that with myself since i don't want to have to resign myself to that. it's exhausting. i am fighting my naturally hopeful & optimistic nature to protect my heart. but i am also fighting that tactic since i really want to be a mother & i can not repress the hope that this month could be the one. i also really don't like the bitterness that boils up at random moments now.
my friend & i were talking about things the other night & she mentioned how great i was taking all this stuff & how wonderfully i seem to be dealing with things. she thinks i am very collected & together! ha! i had just finished tearing up talking about the different methods of art we could look at & why most of them aren't for us. and how if we did finally get to move on to IUI's & it didn't work we were done. adoption is a very long way off for us (as ivf would be) due to our limited resources right now. it's proving hard enough to scrape up a few extra thousand (maybe a hundred a month gets put away) for a few tries with the RE. i can't imagine getting adoption fees or the cost of ivf together. (although we already decided long before seeing an RE that ivf would not end up being an option for us- if it comes to that i would much rather spend the money & the waiting for adoption).
i just couldn't imagine how i could be seen as being strong & together with this. i feel like i am falling apart a little more each day. i am still trying to put the pieces back together though. maybe a little cuddle time with the hub is in order this weekend. i aways feel a little stronger after spending a day in his arms.
5 comments:
Blech. We will have to be in a funk together. I FEEL you dude.
Ug.
I think your friend it right. No matter how weak you may feel at this very moment, you have toughed through what most women can not even imagine. Riding the coaster up and down, the absolute uncertainty, the cordoning of of our life into two week segments- it is all terrible disruptive and utterly painful.
Screw Charlotte, screw the fairtale bullshit those movies perpetuate, screw it all. That sh*t pisses me off so bad. The mythology just gets drilled into the mind of the insensative public one more time and you get the pleasure of feeling sick over it. And once again, any one who has ever suffered from IF or recurrent loss gets told to suck it up.
Hope you can enjoy your sunday.
{{hugs}}
meredith
Aww, I don't think that's necessarily fair to Charlotte. She faced the heartbreak of IF for years before her surprise pg. That's why she has the adopted daughter from China and divorced her first husband. The Dr's comment was obnoxious and unfortunate, but how many ob-gyns have we all known who say similar stupid things? So for me that comment actually felt realistic.
I'm so sorry that you're in a funk although it is understandable considering all you've had to deal with. I'm glad AF treated you better this time around and hope this is the beginning of lots of positive signs. (((HUGS)))
Anon- I wasn't being 'unfair' to Charlotte- merely saying how for me- that brought my own realities forefront to my mind- for me- that scene is a hollywood fairytale because I can't see myself in that position. I actually thought the part with Charlotte & Carrie in the furniture store was very realistic & loved that they voiced that fear & showed her overcoming it & really enjoying herself in her pregnancy. I identify the most with Charlotte's character so that's why her storyline makes me cry. I just want a little piece of that fairytale happy ending for myself...
Thank you all for making me feel a little less alone this weekend.
Just wanted to send you a cyber (((Hug)))
I skipped past the second paragraph, although I read the first line not realizing that was the paragraph you were talking about. Then I wanted to run and watch the movie today, but I didn’t, I just pondered it, and although I didn’t finish reading the paragraph, my mind started playing funny tricks on me. (so now I need to see it fur-sure ASAP).
Anyway, my reply isn’t making sense other than I feel so many things you write about.
We both share 18 months of failed cycles, and yet it’s like our feet are chained to the ground and we cant move forward, money – lack of participation for further assistance on DH part - we may have different reasons we cant run to the RE TTC Train, but none the less, we are forced to stand here, hopeless, and yet the only thing we can have is hope. But hope is our enemy, and yet she’s the thing that keeps us going.
I feel hope this cycle, and I'm scared to death of when AF comes, not because that means I'm not KU, but because of the wreckage hope has on my sole. I've had AF come and go for probably over 6 cycles with my nose in a book, school, work, anything but with hope, and a part of me feels guilty for not emotionally TTC’ing, like I wasted 6 cycles because I didn’t have hope, because I didn’t emotionally invest. But it is hard to keep it together when you’re falling apart inside, even if we are strong, it wasn’t a choice to be strong, but what else do you do? Give up? That’s just not an option right now.
Well…. This post still isn’t making sense or going anywhere, I just want you to know I’m here and I’m thinking about ya.
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