so- after my internal this week & finding out i was 1 cm i then proceeded to lose the plug. (i know- starting off gross & graphic...) that combined with the mild cramping i was getting in the evenings & the lower back ache i had all thursday night got me just a might bit panicked. i know that 1 cm isn't really anything & you can be up to 3 cm for weeks. i also know that losing the plug doesn't mean much in the way of timing either. but i am fairly well in-tune with my body & i am pretty sure something is going on. it's not labor or early labor or anything like that- but i feel like i am prepping. she's farther down- i can definitely tell that! but not fully engaged yet as she still floats back up to push all up on my ribs in certain positions at night. but right this second she's practically all bunched up in my lap! i am officially 36 weeks today (i look like ass right now, but i'll post a pic later) and i really think she will be an early girl.
here's the thing though- i don't want her to be! i want to stay pregnant & be able to protect her & carry her around everywhere (much easier now!) i love feeling her move & flutter & even the pushes & kicks to the ribs make me overwhelmingly happy. i know i will be even more thrilled to actually meet her, but seeing as this could possibly be my only time pregnant- i want to savor it. i have really enjoyed pregnancy. sure- a few bumps here & there with morning sickness & my stupid docs freaking me out about minimal weight gain. but overall- i have loved actually being pregnant. that said- this is probably one of the most stressfull times in my life. i am coming off of 2 really tough years between surgery for my kidney, the hub's shop opening & closing & all the fall out & brokeness in between, the struggle to get pregnant at all, the renovations to the house and now the shitty economy, not knowing how i can afford time off for leave, not knowing how to afford daycare, etc. sure- a lot has been figured out, but a lot has also been dumped on us like freight trains. (oh- and the whole in-law thing which i can't even think about again because it gets me so upset- everything seems to be patched up now- but you can see the patches, it's not like before)
i love this time period in my life because of my little miracle, yet i hate it for all the struggle it means. i know that's all part of being a grown-up, but i sometimes wish i could just hide away with my big ole belly & just have it be us with no outside world for a while. i don't want bills & accounting & jobs & people to find us. i just want to curl up & be with my girl for a while until everything else goes away. wouldn't that be nice?
whew- i really do have a lot of pent up stress. i am trying to not let it affect me because like i said- i don't want her to be early! (now- i don't mind 3 days which is april fool's because it would just fit us really well, but that's it!)
part of my stress is not feeling like we have enough ready. just in case she is more than a few days early i would like to not feel like i have to scramble to get stuff done. so today is preparedness day. well- we really started last night. the hub & i set up the packnplay:
then my neighbor came over & we put together the travel system. (still need to install the base into the car- but that will be very easily done):
then today i set up the swing & bouncer (all by myself- i was so
proud)
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today the hub is supposed to finish painting the trim. it was supposed to be done last weekend. he has a lot of the same stress as me, but won't let me do these things to finish up the room. not because i'm not allowed to paint- but because it involves moving some of the furniture that has already been put in there & somewhat because of all these little signs i've been seeing this week have him a little freaked out too.
once the trim is done we can set up the nursery properly. we have pretty much everything this girl needs. i am going out later today with my neighbor (because she also freaked out & doens't want me shopping alone. ridiculous, but i like the company) for the last minute list. things like sheets for the cradle, some things for the hospital- magazines, little snacks for the hub & me after, slippers which i realized i don't even own. i would like to get a roman shade for the nursery & 2 picture frames, but they aren't neccessities. i actually have a little tiny bit of extra money from the refi, which i know i will not have again for a very long time. so i want to spend it on these last little things (and keep a little aside for a good breast pump & some nursing bras once i know what size i need) but a lot of me is debating & saying that we are pretty set & should just save it for the next shoe that drops on our heads. and i know there will be another one.
i really need to learn how to splurge. i am very good with a budget & i never go overboard, but i also end up denying myself (or the hub or the house) something that could be really useful or nice. for instance- we have almost no decoration in our house. yes- i am a designer & i painted the house well- lots of interest on the walls. but very little in the way of candles, or flowers, or freaking photos! i tried to remedy that a little for the shower & got some done, but it would be nice to have her room have some decoration to it. some personalization. i have 2 cute prints that i need to get frames for & then i want to get a cluster of small frames for the other side of the room to put black & white photos of her in. newborn, 2 months, 4 months, etc. i also want to get a decal with her name for over the crib. i would like to feel like her room is at least done.
ah- have to walk the puppies & take advantage of a beautiful sunny day. hopefully that lifts my spirits a little & then a baby centric shopping spree & packing my hospital bag can take care of the rest. i'll post my 36 week pic later today after i clean myself up a little better from my assembly & cleaning spree this morning.
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7 comments:
Wow. I can't believe you're already 36 weeks. That is just amazing.
It has been a rough two years for you, and I definitely know what you feel like when you say you just want to cherish the good stuff and block out the bad. It can be so hard to just focus on the incredibly awesome things that life gives us in the midst of all the crap, especially when life has been heavy-handedly dosing out the crap for so long.
But. This is your moment, you and Caiden and husband's moment. You are about to become parents! How incredible is that! Make sure to take time every day to remember that- block out the in-laws, the unfinished trim, the job- just take a few minutes every day to curl up in your ball with your belly and your man and revel in all of this. Such an awesome time in your lives.
And I have to admit that part of me is excited about being a parent because I LOVE assembly (probably why I also love IKEA so much...). With all the gear for babies, I imagine I'll be in assembly-heaven for weeks and weeks. Ah, how cool!
Wow... I just can't believe it! She'll be here so soon!
Well good for you (in remembering you need to splurge on yourself/home). I personally like having less knick-knacks, but my house has way too many "things". You'll soon have so many pictures, you won't know what to do with them all! :)
We already talked about you going early on the phone plenty of times. And I am totally in agreement!
It seems that the nesting has kicked into high gear, this little girl will be here before you know it. I hear ya on the wanting to stay pregnant. I had Chicken at 39 weeks and while I was happy to be done I also really really miss it!
I noticed the travel system and was going to tell you to practice using it. Seems silly but it's really hard with a squirmy little baby haha!
I need to know where you got your stroller? What brand is it?
I found one so much just like that one but no car base. Sucks, I want an All In One with the car base, not the car seat that you have to buckle in every single time you get in the car.
I can relate to that feeling of not being able to wait to feel them in your arms but at the same time knowing how much you want to keep them inside. I remember one night (I'm sure I was half nuts with the hormone crash) when I was up late with Jaiden about two weeks after the twins were born. I had a crying fit over the fact that I wasn't pregnant anymore even though Jaiden was nuzzled peacefully in my arms. There was a part of me that missed having them all to myself, inside where I felt that they were safest. The feeling didn't linger long, but it was something that I knew I had to cry about and just get it out of my system. There was so much more to them being on the outside than in and I loved finally being able to experience it. SO, I get it!
I'm sure I was going to say something insightful, but DAMN that is one tricked out packnplay!
I know you are cherishing each moment you have, but remember, once she is here, you will cherish each of those moments and be so happy that they have arrived.
That being said...Caiden, stay in your momma as long as possible!
I was just saying to Jeramy yesterday that Jillian was so much easier to take care of in my belly! And I did love being pregnant too, so I didn't mind being overdue as much. I do miss it sometimes, but God I love that little smiling face so much.
You're getting so close. I'm so excited!
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