be nice to the earth today

i wish i had more green at my house, but my little flower garden has stopped giving flowers. with my girlfriend coming this weekend & me out of town last weekend i haven't been able to take advantage of the beautiful weather & remedy the lack of flowers. but i eventually will. the only thing i did for earth day this year is pick up a reusable bag to take shopping. that's pretty much it. oh- and the hub & i are carpooling for 2 days, but that's necessity, not eco-consciousness.

i am very excited about seeing my friend- and having a hopefully relaxing & fun filled long weekend! the final itinerary has not been fully planned- but i will definitely be posting pictures!

i'll probably be occupied past thursday, but i have decided that unless i wake up to af i am going to test that morning. it should be around 14 dpo (11 if i think it was a day 21 O which i don't really) and i can believe the negative & go to acupuncture & enjoy my time with my friend. but let me just say that that pesky bitch has decided to show up in full force this month & i am having to struggle to beat her down. exhibit a- my poor sore achy boobs. i know- they are always sore around this time which is why i hate this 'symptom'. exhibit b-i don't know wtf to make of this. again- i have had some really pretty charts & i suppose that the acupuncture could be creating higher temps since she is trying to 'heat me up' so to speak. but that can mess with a girls head. exhibit c- pure fancy, but i had a dream in which i got a positive. i have never had a dream where i could see the second line. i've had plenty of dreams where i was obviously pregnant or had a child already, but never one where i saw the positive. of course- that was 2 days ago- last night i dreamt of re's & things being shoved up hoo-ha's & everyone else being pregnant but me. so even my subconscious will not let miss hope in for too long. at least it's only another day or 2 no matter what. i figure if my temp drops tomorrow that's the sign i need to quit the charade.

if i am not around or commenting much it's just too hard to get to my computer- i have an entire house to clean, a car to inspect & get on the road, a ton of shit to do at work & only 2 more days to do it in. that should hopefully keep my mind off hope!

mia

i am off to return my sister's car today. i am really excited to get to see her & spend some quality time with her. but it also means that everything that i wanted to do this weekend can not happen.
i wanted to come up with a meal plan for the week to try to make it easier to incorporate some of the restrictions from my tcm doc. because without it i am hopeless!
i wanted to really clean out my new car so i didn't have to scramble to do it on sunday, but oh well. at least i'll have a new car (new for me anyway) to clean out.
i wanted to get into the book i was lent by the tcm doc- but i am taking a train back so i'll have at laest 4 hours to get into it.
i also wanted to make some appontments for my shoulder pain that i've been hoping will just get better over the past 6 months or so- it hasn't. so i need to get that checked out.

oh- and i am still as confused as ever by my chart. if i discard day 18 & temp correct day 21 back an hour FF thinks I o'ed on day 21. but i am not 100% convinced. either way- what is up with my temps after that! there's usually something other than a 45 degree angle! i will probably test next thursday since my friend is coming down- i'll either be 14 dpo or 11. safe enough for another bfn to really count.

distractions

does it count as distraction to search ff for pregnancy charts like mine? i don't think so. not that my chart is anything really special. but today's temp is the highest temp at this point i've gotten in the past 4 months. i just wish that actually meant something. so i'm not alone in obsessing- here's the last 4 months overlaid on this month. this cycle is the light blue:



sorry it's such a crappy image- it's the best i can do on my crappy computer. anyway- i swear i'm not really obsessing- really! my O-date has been questioned by ff about 4 or 5 times & the only reason i even have solid crosshairs is that i took out day 17's negative opk. my immediate 'post-o' temps are low & flat. but... i want this to be the cycle so badly that i find myself running downstairs every morning to plug in my temp. hoping to see some magical sign pop up from ff that says "congrats- your temps say you did it!"

ah well- we all know that doesn't happen & even pretty charts don't mean bfp's. my wonky charts mean more fuel for my testing. and that's ok. i guess.

the good news today is that i have definitely noticed a difference in how i handle stress. an incedent happened on wednesday at work that had me right back to my anxious & stressed out state- for about an hour. then i forced myself to calm down & let go. and it was so much better. i ignored the attitude from my manager (or at least didn't let it bother me), and decided that while i had made a mistake, it's not the end of the world & everything worked out just fine. it's all about how you handle your problems & how you fix your f-ups, right? so even if this cycle is a total bust- it's really not. i stressed much less & o'ed at my 'normal' time. (at least i thinkk i did!) i have hope again, but not crazy-i swear i'm pregnant-here are all my symptoms- hope. and i do feel pretty okay about getting testing started. i still think that with my surgery last year & the first two cycles of trying being pathetic attempts due to their horrendous timing- i am still well within the normal time frame. who'd of thunk that a year later i would be okay with this taking longer than a year? it's surprising to see so clearly how you can change.