distractions

does it count as distraction to search ff for pregnancy charts like mine? i don't think so. not that my chart is anything really special. but today's temp is the highest temp at this point i've gotten in the past 4 months. i just wish that actually meant something. so i'm not alone in obsessing- here's the last 4 months overlaid on this month. this cycle is the light blue:



sorry it's such a crappy image- it's the best i can do on my crappy computer. anyway- i swear i'm not really obsessing- really! my O-date has been questioned by ff about 4 or 5 times & the only reason i even have solid crosshairs is that i took out day 17's negative opk. my immediate 'post-o' temps are low & flat. but... i want this to be the cycle so badly that i find myself running downstairs every morning to plug in my temp. hoping to see some magical sign pop up from ff that says "congrats- your temps say you did it!"

ah well- we all know that doesn't happen & even pretty charts don't mean bfp's. my wonky charts mean more fuel for my testing. and that's ok. i guess.

the good news today is that i have definitely noticed a difference in how i handle stress. an incedent happened on wednesday at work that had me right back to my anxious & stressed out state- for about an hour. then i forced myself to calm down & let go. and it was so much better. i ignored the attitude from my manager (or at least didn't let it bother me), and decided that while i had made a mistake, it's not the end of the world & everything worked out just fine. it's all about how you handle your problems & how you fix your f-ups, right? so even if this cycle is a total bust- it's really not. i stressed much less & o'ed at my 'normal' time. (at least i thinkk i did!) i have hope again, but not crazy-i swear i'm pregnant-here are all my symptoms- hope. and i do feel pretty okay about getting testing started. i still think that with my surgery last year & the first two cycles of trying being pathetic attempts due to their horrendous timing- i am still well within the normal time frame. who'd of thunk that a year later i would be okay with this taking longer than a year? it's surprising to see so clearly how you can change.