now the wait begins

i had a temp drop this morning, the earliest i have ever had one this significant (11dpo). i really don't want a shortened lp before going to the challenge cycle. i had acupuncture last night & she said we won't do any herbs during the cl.omid cycle so as to not mess with any results the re's looking at. so i get a mini break from the 'dirt' tea as the hub calls it. silver lining?

i am nervous about the challenge. i don't want to find something wrong. i am also in a very busy time at work & fitting it all in will be challenging.

a kick in the ass this morning- my daily tarot e-mail:
The Eight of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in climax. It has all led up to this moment of anticipation and "there ain't no stopping it now." I have thrown my "hat" in and given it my best shot and have just as good a chance as any -- but the outcome is still up in the air. I am ready to accept what lands, sticks, misses, or hits the fan. "When it rains, it pours." I am empowered by the potential payoff in this direction and I transform through timing or focus under fire.

should i get an umbrella- what kind of shit is going to hit the fan now?

i am in love with this man

i came home tonight to a wonderful surprise:

my sweet hub painted the wall for me!!!! it now matches the rest of the living room! and this weekend we should be finishing the floors so we can finally actually live up there!

in other news- i showed my acupuncturist my chart tonight & she agreed that it looked good. while i know it's not a huge difference- it is a little difference that i can see. it makes me feel like i really am doing something. it does open the door a crack for hope though. that bitch better not barge in & be a nasty houseguest- leaving me 'hungover the next day'! (thanks Nancy- that made my night!)

this pincushion stuff might have something to it

i am done with af. while this may not be amazing to anyone else- & who knows who would actually care!- for me it is pretty impressive. i usually have about 4-5 days of flow with at least 2 more days of spotting after that. this time i had 3 days of flow- different than my usual in that it was, well just different. then a little lighter flow on day 4- yesterday- and today- nada. i am done. the book my acupuncturist gave me said that my flow pattern was consistent with my kidney yang (or liver qi) deficiency. which i of course take with a huge grain of salt.

but to actually start to see a difference is amazing. it restores a little tiny shred of hope that i am doing something. my temps were so different last cycle & i'm becoming convinced it was acupuncture that did it. now after years of a long cycle with a long af i have something different. and right now different is fucking awesome. now i get to see if this 'natural cl.omid' will work.

at least there will be wine

two distinct negatives, yesterday & today. while i tend to thin that nancy may be right about my O date being 2 days later than what ff shows- i would still be12 dpo today. with a teeny temp drop. so- pretty standard.

i am much better today than i was yesterday. i still feel like i should be seeing a positive though. i am hot. and i am never hot. my boobs hurts so bad i wish i didn't have them. i feel full & bloated & slightly crampy.

but all this really means is that i have tons of progesterone in my system, which i have always pretty much known to be the case in my LP. or, just maybe, the acupuncture may be staring to work already after only 2 sessions. i have my third one today & i am bringing my charts for her to look at. i can see a big difference, but of course i was really hoping it was from a little bean. but maybe i just need to be a little more patient. after all- i only started the acupuncture right around ovulation- she wants to work on my follicular phase to get me to O better & quicker. basically- natural clomid (i guess...)

i definitely won't be able to afford the clomid challenge this month, so sticking with the acupuncture works for me. we had to put my car on the road & going to bring my sisters car back has wiped us out financially right now. the sales job didn't pan out so well for the hub (he was doing great, but the company was apparently pretty shady as he found out) so he's back to being a courier. which is fine, but there's a transitional period of adjustment where if you have no money saved it's very hard to scrape up an extra thousand for baby making. so clomid is definitely off the table right now. my RE's going to forget what i look like, but i keep having this nagging thought that just one of these times i'm going to be able to call up & say 'screw the day one doc, i'm pregnant already. you're not getting that grand from me' -ah, fantasy.

my friend will be here around noon, i have acupuncture at 10:30 and i cleaned most of the house last night. i just need to make a quick dog bed cover for my little man to keep him off the couch & i am set.

maybe my future child knew i would be needed this month for wine drinking & ex-husband bashing and decided to wait until next month to show up... again- fantasy sure is fun right now.

*update after acupuncture- so she looked at my charts & said that my temps are certainly up where they should be, but previous charts don't show the strongest O. but then she went on to say- you didn't try this month, did you? when i answered yes she said that i might just be pregnant this month. i informed her of said negatives & she said it might just be too early. so she took it easy on the invigorating points. she did get one in my foot that i literally felt what seemed to be a jolt of electricity as she put the needle in. it was gone in a second, but that really surprised me. she also got a new spoy on my belly and i swear the needle was all the way in.
i now definitely have cramps, so i do think she's wrong about it just being early, but it's just wait & see now- i'm out of tests & i won't buy another until i know i am truly late on sunday. my friend is about 20 minutes or so away so i will be back if there's big news, but otherwise i am immersing myself in vacation & f*ck the cycle mode.

a whole lotta randomness- complete with photos

this post will be all over the board today- there is so much on my mind & in my life right now- i just need to get it all out & down- bear with me if this seems jumbled & disorganized. I feel like that is my story these days & i just need to sort it all out!

i had my first acupuncture visit today. my day started around 8:30 am and i really enjoyed having that hour of relaxation. after the week i have had at work (nonstop busy) at home (roller coaster emotions from the hub about his job) and in my own body (i'll be getting there later) i needed time to just be alone & quiet & recharge. i have to say that overall- i really really like the dr. she's sweet & cute, gentle & kind. after 5 minutes i felt like i was chatting with a girlfriend. i loved how knowledgeable she seems to be about fertility- not just as it relates with acupuncture, but overall. she took one quick look at my questionnaire & started asking questions that seemed so unrelated to what i wrote- but were so relevant to me. she asked if i was always cold, about my digestive 'issues' & had some really good insight to that. once i told her that i had my kidney removed & why- she got this 'a-ha' look on her face. she explained that all my symptoms- being cold, low slow pulse, slow digestion, are all related to low kidney chi (forgive me if i butcher this explanation with my ignorance of proper terminology!) and that in order to 'cook a baby for nine months' (i kind of loved that this was her analogy!) we needed to kick start my kidney area & give me some fire (she may have said heat) she also wants to see me regularly once a week and see about some herbs & supplements. due to my low overall temps she was concerned about a luteal phase defect - but all my hormone levels have checked out normal. The first blood draw the RE took was about 8 -9 dpo, so i know i have had all the relevant bloodwork done. she said that for her it was fairly easy to diagnose me - which was kind of nice to hear since there's no diagnosis at all with western medicine. the only thing i did not enjoy was when she said i had to stop drinking cold things- no iced drinks (what the hell is a philly girl to do in the summer!) and no. more. ice. cream. again- philly+summer= hot, humid disgusting mess. solution= mr. softy ice cream cones!
she asked if i had started any treatments or ovarian stimulation- which i found myself saying that i hadn't yet- it was the next step. but a step i am hesitant to take. i surprised myself with this. i haven't been consciously thinking about it, but i have actually been kind of glad for the forced wait for the clomid in a way. i don't like to take medication- i never have. don't get me wrong- i believe that at times it is necessary & i have & will continue to mainly follow doctor's orders on such things. but i do stand up for myself & ask questions about what a medication is for & why do i need it before i just pop em. i have felt that my re is just moving on to the next step, which is normal for him, but i am not sure i am ready to go there yet. i really don't think i have an ovulation problem & i am 99% sure that my luteal phase is pretty good too. i am curious if going sans medication for a few more months would actually do anything, if we can do this without medical intervention since we are technically 'normal' (for now).

but then again- i am tired of this shit. if the hub gives me $1000 in 2 weeks i can easily see myself signing right up for the clomid challenge. if it's moving forward i will be happy. if it moves us all the way to the finish line i don't really care what is responsible. i will most likely end up doing acupuncture once a week- as long as my crazy ass schedule can fit it in, and probably will do the clomid cycle next month. the hub is getting very frustrated & i think that the actual trying portion is starting to get to him. just like me he is feeling the futility, but unlike me- this has an adverse side affect of making sex less desirable. which makes it a little difficult to try to get pregnant. he now wants to try IUI's- which i am not at all opposed to, i just don't know if i am there yet. and we certainly aren't 100% there financially- even though the job has been going splendidly & we are pretty much recovered.

unless of course my stupid body cooperates & actually gets pregnant this month. but judging from my chart my body is schizophrenic. i had ovulation pains (i think...) yesterday & today. i had positive opk's yesterday & today. that all points to an ovulation sometime either today or tomorrow. but my temps look like i o'd two days ago! what do i believe? temps don't lie- right? either way the hub & i have had a fairly good week as far as timing goes- but who knows if that will make a difference.



***updated- i removed this section cuz i just don't like to leave those things up for too long...


just to leave with even more random photos- i have been on a photo frenzy lately & as cheesy as they are- i love these...

now - i must go get ready for tonight's excursion- apparently the hub made our plans & they involve a party & karaoke. i refuse to pollute the world with my screeching erm- singing. but it should be interesting to say the least.

ps- since mel is calling for it & i just checked my stats & saw someone got here from Osaka (how cool is that! ohio gozaimasu! god i'm rusty!) i say fess up! even if you go back to lurking- let me know who's out there!