lucky day

not much of a post today- i forgot to get batteries yesterday so i'm already faltering on my post a picture a day goal... i tried to take a better picture of my 'i swear that's a positive but no one can see it except for in person' opk with my camera phone- but no dice. so you'll just have to believe me! yesterday's was negative & my temp dipped slightly this morning, but my chart is looking a little jagged lately again, so who knows. if my temp jumps up over the weekend then today will be ff's guess at ovulation & i tend to believe it. so the hub needs to keep up the good work.
oh yes- two days ago i was disappointed by my lack of fun with whipped cream- now this is oversharing, but what else is new! he & i had traded naughty text messages all day wednesday & i was really looking forward to that night. then when i sw that thin little sliver of a dark line, i got really excited for our planned rendezvous. then i guess he had a lot on his mind because our great date night just kind of ...fizzled. with promises to make it up to me in the morning i wasn't too worried. morning comes & goes- he sleeps right through. aargghh.
yesterday the hub called me out of the blue & told me that he was around the corner from my job- could i leave right at 5- (it was 4:50 or so) & conserve some gas by leaving my car there? of course i can save some moolah! & get to see the hub for more time than we have combined all week! stopped & got some movies & had a really nice cuddly date night. which thankfully ended with some fireworks of our own making. and not to brag- but damn... we know how to do some things right! that is the one thing i can say about us- we fit together very well in a lot of ways- we've never really had bad sex. i'm sure there's been a couple times, but overall my only complaint is quantity, not quality. okay- you can stop retching- i'm done with that.

no real plans for the weekend- we may be finally finishing our floors in the living& dining rooms, which means that next weekend we could finally be 'moving' out of the basement. i would be thrilled to have my living room back! to actually look outside while we are hanging out- or be able to listen to jeo.pardy in the other room while i make dinner! it's the little things, but man i hate living in the dark cave of the basement!

***i just realized that it is friday 13th! some may think this an unlucky day, but to me- it will always be a good day. this is the day the hub proposed to me. not the date- that was 8/13/04. but it was a friday. we went to diner at a fancy restaurant for our anniversary 3 days prior. i had scoped him out big time before we left & had worn a really nice sexy black dress just in case.
-a little background: the hub asked my parent's permission at thanksgiving '03 to marry me. which if you knew us & especially him- was very out of character. we were/are punks. we lived together for many moons. we've both always done our own thing. so for him to take that very formal step was surprising enough for my dear sweet mother to TELL ME about it. which -long story short- put a lot of pressure on him & made the right time never come. there was more- she actually BOUGHT A RING for him to give me because she saw it on sale & couldn't resist. it was not what i would have ever wanted & thankfully he declined. but it still made him wait 8 months to ask me. thanks a lot...
so i was decidedly anxious by august & had already picked out my own ring & sent him the info- just in case! luckily he listened & got it.
in between dinner & dessert he turned to me & asked- do you think before dessert comes out, that you could marry me?
i was stunned, surprised (which was a miracle!) and didn't answer for a good five minutes!

so for us- friday the 13th can be a really great day. i find myself imagining & hoping that it's forever cemented as the luckiest day for us.

busy little worker bee

i have been tagged & given a pink rose. there are about 10 blogs that i want to comment on. i haven't spent more than an hour each night with the hub. i have been super busy at work & then last night was the first day i wasn't there more than 10 hours & i had acupuncture. it was a very nice session & very relaxing- i totally dozed off on the table- but i can't wait to have some time tonight to unwind. i am trying to get to everything, but i've been fried by the end of the day this week! bear with me!

oh- i think i am picking up the motorcycle permit handbook this weekend & maybe taking the test... we've been casually looking at bikes for me (well- the hub's been obsessively looking & i've been casually looking over!) we tend towards late 70's japanese bikes- very cool retro styles that still look like i could handle them & be able to pick them up! also- i could picture me on them- isn't that shallow? i need to be able to think the bike i get fits my personality, right? oh well- it's all a moot point right now as we aren't finding anything in our very limited price range. and i am still having problems justifying spending what little money we could save for a bike instead of putting it towards a treatment cycle... i'm at least able to take the test & the class though- everything else will eventually work out, right?

a whole lotta randomness- complete with photos

this post will be all over the board today- there is so much on my mind & in my life right now- i just need to get it all out & down- bear with me if this seems jumbled & disorganized. I feel like that is my story these days & i just need to sort it all out!

i had my first acupuncture visit today. my day started around 8:30 am and i really enjoyed having that hour of relaxation. after the week i have had at work (nonstop busy) at home (roller coaster emotions from the hub about his job) and in my own body (i'll be getting there later) i needed time to just be alone & quiet & recharge. i have to say that overall- i really really like the dr. she's sweet & cute, gentle & kind. after 5 minutes i felt like i was chatting with a girlfriend. i loved how knowledgeable she seems to be about fertility- not just as it relates with acupuncture, but overall. she took one quick look at my questionnaire & started asking questions that seemed so unrelated to what i wrote- but were so relevant to me. she asked if i was always cold, about my digestive 'issues' & had some really good insight to that. once i told her that i had my kidney removed & why- she got this 'a-ha' look on her face. she explained that all my symptoms- being cold, low slow pulse, slow digestion, are all related to low kidney chi (forgive me if i butcher this explanation with my ignorance of proper terminology!) and that in order to 'cook a baby for nine months' (i kind of loved that this was her analogy!) we needed to kick start my kidney area & give me some fire (she may have said heat) she also wants to see me regularly once a week and see about some herbs & supplements. due to my low overall temps she was concerned about a luteal phase defect - but all my hormone levels have checked out normal. The first blood draw the RE took was about 8 -9 dpo, so i know i have had all the relevant bloodwork done. she said that for her it was fairly easy to diagnose me - which was kind of nice to hear since there's no diagnosis at all with western medicine. the only thing i did not enjoy was when she said i had to stop drinking cold things- no iced drinks (what the hell is a philly girl to do in the summer!) and no. more. ice. cream. again- philly+summer= hot, humid disgusting mess. solution= mr. softy ice cream cones!
she asked if i had started any treatments or ovarian stimulation- which i found myself saying that i hadn't yet- it was the next step. but a step i am hesitant to take. i surprised myself with this. i haven't been consciously thinking about it, but i have actually been kind of glad for the forced wait for the clomid in a way. i don't like to take medication- i never have. don't get me wrong- i believe that at times it is necessary & i have & will continue to mainly follow doctor's orders on such things. but i do stand up for myself & ask questions about what a medication is for & why do i need it before i just pop em. i have felt that my re is just moving on to the next step, which is normal for him, but i am not sure i am ready to go there yet. i really don't think i have an ovulation problem & i am 99% sure that my luteal phase is pretty good too. i am curious if going sans medication for a few more months would actually do anything, if we can do this without medical intervention since we are technically 'normal' (for now).

but then again- i am tired of this shit. if the hub gives me $1000 in 2 weeks i can easily see myself signing right up for the clomid challenge. if it's moving forward i will be happy. if it moves us all the way to the finish line i don't really care what is responsible. i will most likely end up doing acupuncture once a week- as long as my crazy ass schedule can fit it in, and probably will do the clomid cycle next month. the hub is getting very frustrated & i think that the actual trying portion is starting to get to him. just like me he is feeling the futility, but unlike me- this has an adverse side affect of making sex less desirable. which makes it a little difficult to try to get pregnant. he now wants to try IUI's- which i am not at all opposed to, i just don't know if i am there yet. and we certainly aren't 100% there financially- even though the job has been going splendidly & we are pretty much recovered.

unless of course my stupid body cooperates & actually gets pregnant this month. but judging from my chart my body is schizophrenic. i had ovulation pains (i think...) yesterday & today. i had positive opk's yesterday & today. that all points to an ovulation sometime either today or tomorrow. but my temps look like i o'd two days ago! what do i believe? temps don't lie- right? either way the hub & i have had a fairly good week as far as timing goes- but who knows if that will make a difference.



***updated- i removed this section cuz i just don't like to leave those things up for too long...


just to leave with even more random photos- i have been on a photo frenzy lately & as cheesy as they are- i love these...

now - i must go get ready for tonight's excursion- apparently the hub made our plans & they involve a party & karaoke. i refuse to pollute the world with my screeching erm- singing. but it should be interesting to say the least.

ps- since mel is calling for it & i just checked my stats & saw someone got here from Osaka (how cool is that! ohio gozaimasu! god i'm rusty!) i say fess up! even if you go back to lurking- let me know who's out there!

I get to see my city in a whole new light!

my kate-e-fur is coming to see me! 2 & a half weeks! i even took off a few days from work to make the most of it- we're going to museums & gardens & exploring my city like i haven't had the chance to do in a while!

i hope it's a good distraction for her in this tough time. unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) i will be due for my period while she's here. so i will either be unable to commisserate properly with her over a few bottles of wine (how else do you say good riddance to a crappy hubby of 5 months who left you to be a divorcee before the thank you cards are all sent out!) or i will be unable to stop the weeping & just bring her back down... i would rather take door number one bob.

truth time

so some very good guesses. Monica, Jen, Kate, Io, Nancy, & Tammy were all half right. Kate- my Japanese is VERY rusty, but your friend teaches in Japan, right? i am shamefully out of practice & i swear i haven't evn looked it up yet- but i will!

as to the rest- here are the results:
1. since the age of 10 i am a blue ribbon cherry pie maker. i have won multiple times at state fairs.
true. i started baking at the age of 4 with my mom & i started entering the state fair at 10. my cherry pie won the blue ribbon 2 years in a row. apple pie was a solid contender, the cookies did well, but ironically enough the artwork i submitted only ever got honorable mentions... go figure!

2. i am a test away from being an official member of mensa. i took the practice exam & passed with flying colors, but when it came to finding an actual test site & going to get it, i got lazy.
true. at last try my iq was in the high 150's, but i never seemed to get around to taking an officially sanctioned test & joining mensa, although i do walk around telling the hub i am a fucking genius!

3. the hub & i are the result of a one night stand gone good.
false. we were high school sweethearts & first dated when i was only 14 years old. it was very brief- but we've basically been together since i was 16. but still too young for one night stands!

4. i won an award in college for being the top language student in japanese & my professor offered to get me into a program to go to japan & teach english.
true. while i have lost an obscene amount of my proficiency in the 5 years since college- i was my school's top foreign language student & did receive a spcial award my senior year. my professor was involved in a program that sent people to japan to teach english & she thought i would be perfect. again- a lost opportunity as i had bills & responsibilities then that couldn't be left for 6 months. but if i could go back...

5. i once got a marriage proposal from being able to put both my legs behind my head. thankfully i saw through the shallow compliment & turned i down.
true. i was a gymnast from age 4 to age 13. this makes me very flexible. i still have a lot of it, but when i was 16 i was able to get both legs behind my head. not sure why i thought that was a great party trick- but heh, it sure got some attention. and no- i can no longer do it. i doubt i ca get one back there anymore!

6. i had a small speaking role in the movie in & out in 1997 - scenes were filmed very close to my home town & i lucked out at the open casting.
false. while it IS true that the movie had scenes filmed (the wedding scene i believe) in a very beautiful artist community near my home town, and while my mom, sis, & i all went & sat for hours before we got called up & had photos taken, we were never called. two of my hub's friend's ended up going too & just showed up the next day when they were filming & ended up in the movie. no speakinglines though. that is about as close to fame as i have ever gotten.

so there are my truths & lies. i had fun with this, but i do feel like my lies could have been more creative. although i tricked most of you on #6- so that's cool!

i'm off this weekend to visit the rents & return my dad's car. it should be a hecic, but fun weekend. i'm really looking forward to seeing my fam & maybe having a little bit of pampering. i sure could use it after this past week & i think a little pre-emptive pampering could be in order. i have my hss & hsg scheduled for next week. i'm not looking forward to it, but it needs to be done. and the hub has his drop off on wednesday. so by this time next week we may possibly have some actual answers...

d-day, drama, & a knight in shining mazda

It's been a while- i know. i am a broken record lately but life is just too damn busy. on tuesday we had an ice storm & tom got a job going up to boston. lo & behold our one & only car broke down at 5am in the storm about 30 miles outside of bean town. hilarity ensued. ha freaking ha. after a few scrambled hours & tearful phone calls i had a ride into work, he was slowly making his way to his parents house (thank goodness they live fairly close to boston), and my dad drove in to save my day. he offered to drive up & let me borrow his car for a week or so until we are squared away. so i get to drive a cute little rollerskate of a car. i had to bring my dad to take a train this morning which meant getting up at the ridiculous hour of 3:30 am. fun. but i swear i didn't grumble once because my dad was generous enough to drive 6 hours so i could take his car. i would have stayed up all night if i had to.
tom made it home just fine last night. i was worried he would break down again- & so was he, so he borrowed HIS dad's car. luckily the part he needed he already had here & it's a 5 minute fix. he can mail the part up to his dad who can use our car until we can switch again.

i was also worried i would have to reschedule our appointment, but we're on track. by tonight i should not only have a cute RE nickname, but a game plan as well. i'm a little nervous & excited, but mainly too tired to get worked up about it. i just hope i can remember my list of questions & actually ask them... i will be sure to update later.

oh- my daily tarot reading today seems especially fitting given my activities later this afternoon:

- The Ace of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in assets or seeds. I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I have value and I matter. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world.

here's to fresh starts

first off- thank you to everyone for the info on RE's! i will be keeping mucho busy over the holidays with research. my insurance kind of sucks so i will be calling a lot to see who works best with me. but i so appreciate everyone sharing their docs- it is nice to know that this community is close at hand as well as all over the country (world).

also- we had a little chat with the roomie. it was productive & open & honest. i now feel alittle bad for him as he was very heartfelt in his apologies. he wants nothing more than to keep the friendship he has with tom & doesn't want the living situation to come between that- so he is looking for a place. which is really the best thing for everyone- not just us. he also isn't watching our little princess over christmas. i don't know if i've mentioned that the in-laws are willing & asking for us to bring the one dog, but not the other. which is rather rude if you ask me. but i understand why they are requesting that- they have 4 cats which my little man could care less about. the princess on the other hand will do nothing for 4 days but chase the little kitties until their fur falls out. it's already happened. so the princess will stay with tom's business partner & whe'll have a ball playing with his son. we didn't want her staying home with the roomie because of the stellar example he has given us by leaving his dog in a crate for so long.

on to the fresh start- i took a test this morning & of course another BFN. i didn't expect anything more this month so i am not really upset. i am looking forward to getting everything together & getting an RE appointment & making some progress- even if it's just some answers on something! i do have to get a new bbt though- for giggles i took my temp with mine & it was 96.54 after 4 minutes. way too long for an accurate reading. and i will need a few charts to bring with me for my first appointment. whether they want 'em or not!

crazy, but good

life is going fast- i think i have ovulated, or maybe i am going to in the next day or so- i honestly have no freaking clue. tom & i had sex for fun (woo-hoo!) a couple times this cycle- maybe it was good timing. but i really couldn't say. which i am okay with. there is too much other shit going on to really get involved with ttc heartache & obsession on top of it right now.

work is gearing up to get crazy busy- it's a lot of spurts of quick deadlines & get it done now- followed by some extended busy work, twiddle your thumbs periods. i have been in the odd (for me) position of being 'in charge' of another person's schedule. i am working with a relatively new to the industry employee and guiding her in the process. which is great- but very strange. i constantly fear that i'm not helping her enough because i am not emphasizing why her mistakes are important to fix & not do again. i am too scared of being undiplomatic, or bitchy, or maybe even just her not getting it because i've upset her by saying she did something wrong instead of pointing out why the right way IS the right way so that she understands why it's done like that. oh- i'm also scared of forgetting something or missing something because it ultimately will fall back on me for not guiding her properly. in a way it's the logical progression of a career- you do something long enough & a 'management' position is in your future. but in another way i feel like a fraud because i know how much i don't know yet. but maybe knowing your limitations & trying to work on them is all part of it. and i think that i am a good teacher- she seems to get it quickly & that has to be somehow, someway in part to how i explain- right?

i also have 3 green projects. i had a call to explain all the credits the other day which i was completely not expecting. but i did okay. i think i explained well & didn't sound like a total idiot or like i was faking it somehow. which i still feel like i might be- not because i do't know my stuff- i'm definitely getting it- but because i am not used to being the holder of knowledge- the expert if you will. i like it- i like having a 'niche', this could be my thing in my firm and i would be happy for it. plus i think it's the perfect mix of knowledge, data, nerdy calculations & lists, with some design & fun new technologies mixed in.

on to the more relevant day to day exciting news- the hub has an accountant- who reviewed the books. now- there's good news & bad news. the bad news is that they should have sent the taxes in monthly & they didn't- so there will be penalties. the good news- is far far less than the hub expected- they can (& will) borrow the $$ from the partners dad & be free & clear. and with the accountant on board they are in a much better position to actually get in the red. the shop actually didn't do all that badly this year- it's just the startup expenses took any potential profit away. and they actually have excellent, perfect records. so while our lives are not immediately improved by this news- things are maybe starting to look cautiously up. i say cautiously because i still can't buy a new coat- which i desperately need, but i know that the car payment is made. and now he doesn't seem to think that he's a failure anymore- which i know he isn't, but he has thought since the shop trouble started. now he knows that they actually did okay- even though we're broke- the shop has the potential to be successful.
thankfully he also knows what he needs to provide for our little 'family' and how he has to do it. i know he takes us seriously & i know that the shop was for us- not just for him. if he had to- he would work at the donut shop counter, or stocking shelves at night. and i love him for that. but i really hope that it never has to happen.
christmas this year will be so strange. i can't afford anything more than cards- i hope that is enough. i can't even afford to get tom anything, which sucks, but in all honesty i think that his gift was this year & all that i have done to keep us afloat. i can't even be modest or humble about that- he owes this year to me & i only hope he appreciates it. all i want from him is a doctors visit. and i doubt i will get it. he has promised to make an appointment on monday- but i've heard that before. actually- i lied. all i really want is to sit at christmas dinner knowing that i have the greatest most miraculous present a girl could get- a baby for the new year. but i'm a realist & i'll take a semen analysis instead.

i'm sorry for the long rambling sort of post- but it's been a long rambling sort of week

talk about productive...

unfortunately no (re)productive news this weekend-i just couldn't resist!- but we were busy little workers this weekend! last weekend too.

we primed our brick wall in our kitchen last weekend. all by hand since it's not nice smooth brick. then we noticed all the areas that needed to be repointed. so tom did that yesterday morning. on saturday we rented a floor sander & now the living room floors are all clean & natural. we're going to hopefully have them completely sanded & stained by next weekend. the goal is to have the living room done & all the walls that need to be painted done by christmas. after christmas i should have my bonus to finally get the kitchen floors in.

we have a set-in-stone game plan for the kitchen. slate floors & marble tile counters. we may even have enough from my bonus to do both. especially if we get our materials from the wonderful tax-free state to our south! we even picked the paint color & agreed to sand & restain the cabinets in a dark walnut. and we both agree on all of it! amazing!

after that all that will be left on the house is repainting a ton of trim, a new bathroom (no tub now-yikes!) and hopefully the nursery. who knows what order any of it will actually get done, but if i have learned any lesson from the 18+ month kitchen- it's one project at a time!

happy, happy

so- thanksgiving was really really good. we went to my aunt's house & dinner was fantastic, my sister & parents were there & after dinner we played a little game that all the kiddies want. a wee little game! watched my uncle, aunt, and then my mom (!) bowl & box was fantastic! as soon as i figure out how- i will have to post the funniest video ever showing the magic that is a 50 year old playing this game! oh- and mom was sooo much better than usual. she was like the mom i knew & loved, rather than the usual hormonal, menopausal, bitchy, & martyresque self she usually is. she & my dad had some lovely married for 30+ years moments too. my mom has also lost almost 30 pounds & i am really proud of her- she looks fantastic! i think that her mood has definitely been affected by that.

we came back today to hang out after some black friday shopping. i got a new work winter wardrobe & tom got sexy new jeans. that actually are stylish & show off his butt- which is one of my favorite parts of him ;o) my cousin (16 & just got his permit-ooh i feel old!) got that game with the guitar... and the heroes... so much fun- but so so hard! even my husband, who was a SIGNED MUSICIAN, sucked horribly. even i did better, but not by much. i think that there is a chip that was installed in all kids born after 1985 that enables them to instictively do better at all video games.. you would not believe that kids who have never even heard of KIS.S are playing "rock & roll- all night' like they were true rock gods. and social di.stortion is WAY too hard for me to handle!!!

all in all it was a really good holiday. except of course for the wonderful cuddly babies & moms & toddlers i saw all over the mall today. that made me a little sad. seeing the mom with the cute & cuddly little 4 month old in the sling while she held her cherubic little 3 year old's hand made me want for that so much. so we left the mall because i would have dwelled on what we DON"T have too much if we stayed. plus we definitely don't need to spend any more $$. and no one even asked when we were going to have kids or anything at dinner or today. so it was a good holiday & i think i can face christmas if it's anything like thanksgiving was.

thanks

i am not sure what i will say i am thankful for tomorrow. all i can think of right now is last year. tom & i picked out names on the way up to his folks house & back to pass the time. we dreamt big & made our plans for our soon to be arriving (HA HA HA) bundle of joy. how would we handle discipline, what kind of daycare would we go with, what color will we paint the nursery. we were so nervous that we wouldn't have time to finish the kitchen renovation AND do the nursery. how naive we were...

this thanksgiving i am (slightly) wiser. i can't plan for the future, but i can dream & wish dammit. is it alright to have a thanksgiving wish- if so i know i don't even have to say it. you already know what it is.

so... the things i AM thankful for (in no particular order):

• wonderful friends - i am so lucky to have the lovely ladies of this there in-ter-net who support me & make me feel oh so happy when i see your wonderful comments on my blog! i am just as equally blessed to have friends around me who know me & love me for who i am. a surprising number know about how we have been trying- i just can't seem to keep my mouth shut about it!- and they are not only supportive & sympathetic, but they put up with the crazy, hormonal rages & periodic weep fests that have become my norm. and not a single one has said to 'just relax' or 'get drunk'. (although i have heard a mention or two about - 'well you can always adopt'... but i know they mean well. some even have a good amount of education about the IF world that means real conversations even though they are no where near being in my same position.
• my family- as much as my mom can drive us crazy- and believe me she has crazy covered (reminder to blog about this when fortified with copious amounts of red wine!) we have a pretty great family. from my cousin who knows we're trying & had her own troubles with her son- to my sister my rock my svesta. i can not even begin to explain how much she means to me and how much better my life is just because she is my sister.
• my job - as much as it drives me crazy & as bad as any job can get, i am lucky to work somewhere that i am proud to be a part of doing something that i really love. now if i can just feel like they believe in me as much as i believe in them we'll really have something!
• my husband - what words can be adequate here. none that i can think of. true love & companionship, strength & support, a total understanding of another person & no matter what- tyong your life to theirs & trusting in that completely. these are a few of the thoughts running through my mind & they don't even cut it.
• my furry kids - my 2 dogs & 1 cat. they just make me happy. chase is always, without fail, so excited to see me every day. i make his world better & i LOVE that!
• epicurious dot com. and these:

almond bar cookies

Gourmet December 2004
These moist, chewy cookies have an intense almond flavor.Makes about 3 dozen.
1/2 cup packed canned almond paste* (about 5 oz; not marzipan), coarsely crumbled

1/2 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup sugar

2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, softened

1 large egg, separated

1 teaspoon almond extract

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 cup sliced almonds (about 1 1/2 oz)

Pulse almond paste in a food processor until broken up into small bits, then add salt and 1/4 cup sugar and continue to pulse until finely ground, about 1 minute.
Put oven rack in middle position and preheat oven to 350°F.Butter a 9-inch square baking pan, then line with foil, leaving a 2-inch overhang on 2 opposite sides, and butter foil.
Beat together butter and remaining 1/2 cup sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium-high speed until pale and fluffy, about 3 minutes in a stand mixer (preferably fitted with a paddle attachment) or 6 minutes with a handheld.Add almond mixture, egg yolk, and almond extract and beat until combined well, about 2 minutes. Reduce speed to low, then add flour and mix until combined. Spread batter evenly in pan with an offset spatula. Lightly beat egg white in a small bowl, then brush some of it over batter and sprinkle evenly with almonds.

they are surprisingly easy, but the almond paste is pricy! almost $7 for a tube- but 2 tubes = 9 dozen or so cookies, so i think it's worth it. they are so decadent & delicious that it's totally worth it! plus your husband will stop in his tracks & worship you. at least until the bars are gone. i'm bringing them for thanksgiving dinner tomorrow & i hope i have enough...

what could be better

red wine, dark chocolate with mint, & a new do.
okay- so it's a york peppermint patty & a trim- but i'll still take it!

i am slowly feeling better. i think that i will try to (gulp) enjoy this cycle & the freedom of NOT knowing exactly what's going on at each moment & not obsess at all. and if hubby & i continue to enjoy a glass (or 2 or even 3) of wine a night with our surprisingly increasingly delicious dinners & continue to just enjoy each other- then everything else is bound to fall into place. right... of course right.

ps- even though it's just a trim- i rocked this one out! i always cut my hair myself- and trims are the hardest for me. it's just so easy to just chop it off. but i am trying very hard to grow my hair & haven't cut it in over 8 months. but alas- healthy hair needs trims. i'll have to post a pic & get your opinions- but i like it!

update- here's a few pics- now be kind- they were taken late & very quickly! plus you get to see my fun nerdy glasses!

8 random things

as i have been prompted by farah to tell you 8 random facts about me, here goes:

1. i can move my eyes independently of each other. it's totally useless as you really don't see much different than being cross-eyed, but it does freak people out at parties.

2. i am a giant dork. my dorkiness goes far beyond killing at jeopardy (which i totally do) to the realm of getting awards for good attendance during school. i am proud that i am intelligent & dedicated. i take it in stride that that includes a penchant for being prompt, for knowing an obscure answer when no one else even cares about the question. i'm proud that i got awards for best foreign language student in college (for japanese no less).

3. i only have one kidney. some may know some may not. it was taken last august after almost developing septicemia (sp) from a congenital defect that was missed for 26 years. i worry that if (when) i do get pregnant that my child will have this same defect. fortunately for him-her, it is now diagnosed in the womb via ultrasound and can be corrected as soon as 6 months old. i still wouldn't want to have to see my child go through surgery.

4. my husband & i are high school sweethearts. we dated for a month when i was 14. yup-14. we broke up & it broke my heart. when we got back together i knew it was for good. we broke up 4 years later, but we found each other yet again in 7 months. we've been together ever since. we were engaged on our 8 year anniversary & married for almost 3. that's 11 years total being together. in just 5 more years we will have been together for over half my life. oh- and he's the only man i have ever slept with. ever.

5. my hair has been every shade of the rainbow except for platinum, blue or black. i've had green, orange, purple , red, and even hot pink the first half of my senior year of college- that was my favorite & i rocked it good! i miss having the freedom to do that, but now that my hair is back to natural & healthy i am going to leave it. even though i am seeing more grays every day. i'm just going to let it go.

6. obsessive compulsive or anxiety disorders may run in my family. my dad definitely has some sort of compulsion to save everything, my sister's sleep disorder is most likely in the anxiety disorder family, and i have to separate my m&m's, or other such multi-colored candy that comes in packages, by color & eat them in a specific order. not quite a diagnosis, but a little weird. i also get very anxious in certain situations- confrontation, discipline, or being in a thrift store on the wrong day. i'm sure that if i went to see a psychiatrist i could easily get a prescription.

7. i don't believe in medicine. not in the science is evil & medicine is not needed, prayer, vitamin's & cold showers can cure you scientol.ogy definition. but i don't like to take antibiotics if i just have a cold, i suffer through a headache rather than take aspirin, a sore throat has to be pretty bad to take some nyqui.l. i will take something on the first day of af if the cramps are bad, but that's really it. i don't get sick too often, especially now that i don't smoke anymore. i used to get bronchitis every year, but since i quit (2 years next months) nothing. i just don't like to take medication unless i really know what it's doing.

8. in case it hasn't become blatantly obvious- i am an over planner. i like to plan everything. when tom & i decided to start trying to have kids it was 2 weeks before thanksgiving. by the drive back from turkey day with the fam, we had names picked out. over the course of a year the girl's name has changed a little, but the boy's stays the same. i know what the nursery might look like- the bedding i want, the colors since i think we might not be finding out what we're having (but i might be too much of an over planner NOT to know!) i knew what my wedding would be like about a month after i got asked. i love to plan. i love to think through what could be before it even happens. but i hate having to wait for what i've planned to happen. it can get dissapointing to have thought about something in such detail for so long & it's still not there yet. but i'm sure you all already know this.


well- there are 8 random things about me. this definitely did keep me occupied for a bit.

good times that do good

first off- my computer is back!!!! YAY!!!!

today tom & i went to the a.b.a.t.e. toy run downtown. it's an annual motorcycle run for the children's hospital of philadelphia. the only rule is that you show up on your bike, trike, scooter, whatever, with a new unwrapped toy. then you ride from delaware ave to c.hop in university cit.y. it was amazing. we took the trike & were one of maybe 6,000 bikes. here's some photos from the chestnut street overpass.
ahead of us:
and behind:

we got there around 10 & took off at noon. there were so many sick bikes & it was pretty cool just walking around. you could definitely feel the warm fuzzy's in the air. all of the toys raised at this event are for sick kids at the children's hospital- i think it's the only drive they do for the holidays. we brought a brat.z doll, some motorcycle fake tattoos, and a honda valkyrie model (especially cool since the trike is built on a valkerie platform)

here's the hub & i before we took off (aren't we cute with our matching hats & sunglasses...):

i had a great time & it was very rewarding to see the kids when we got to the end & dropped our toys off. that part was a little too rushed in my opinion- but i can see why you would want to herd a few thousand people through quickly.

we got lunch & relaxed on the couch when we got home. oh- and i was the one to finish fixing my computer- once tom repaired whatever was preventing me from doing it myself that is! i'll leave you with a few other shots from the day.

some harmless fun

You Are The Lovers

You represent ideal love: innocence, trust, exhilaration and joy. You demonstrate the harmony of opposites, two sides coming together. At times, you also represent the struggle between what is right and what is tempting. Control is an issue for you, especially when you don't know your reasons for choosing something. Your fortune: You have an important choice you need to make about love, and it will be a difficult choice to make. You are likely struggling between the love you crave and the love that is right. In the end, you will choose what you crave, even if it's bad for you. Because without what you crave, you will feel empty and incomplete.

What Tarot Card Are You?

interesting. of course i think it's totally arbitrary computer code, but still cute and fun - right?

thanks to nancy this was a good fun distraction!

technical difficulties

do not adjust your screen- i am currently experiencing some internet 'issues'. i can't use it at home right now since my computer is hitting the fan as we speak. i have to wait for it to be fixed- which could take another couple days. i really can't use it for this at work- but i just wanted to leave a quick update.

things are crawling along- work is fine- starting to get a little busy. we have our halloween party on saturday & my sis is comingup to stay with me for the weekend. tom & i are still the ramon.es & she is nico- from the velvet un.derground. i will post some pics as soon aas long as my computer is back. it should be really fun- i'm starting to really look foward to it.

nighttime fun

last night i attended my first sex toy party. it went on forever- almost 7 hours! but it was fun! i treated myself to a late birthday- early christmas present. since my husband still hasn't even made a general checkup appointment to get his referral for the s-a. it should be arriving in a discreet package in a few weeks. oh- and dear hubby will be the one purchasing.

i am also making the appointment for him. i keep forgetting to get his card & info & bring it with me to call. but i will. i especially don't understand the reluctance because i have found out this week that ALL initial testing is 100% covered (with referral of course) by our insurance. for him he only needs the referral. i unfortunately do still have to wait until a 365 day period has passed from my last PAP- which puts me at dec. 20th. not too bad because i should be somewhere around cycle day 5 or 6. not enough to get some bloodwork done, but close enough to maybe get 7dpo bloodwork from my referral. so i do have that to look foward to.

tonight i am off to the movies to see the d.arjeeling limit.ed with another good friend for her birthday. i have to say that all of this time with my friends is helping with my second happiness challenge- even if i am technically failing miserably in the actual devotion of 10 minutes to meditation... but i will see how the rest of the month goes.

friendships

i went out to dinner with my best friend last night & we talked about how our friendships have ben changing recently. we have both had the experience with a friend that the relationship is just not what we had anticipated or expected. i posed that in my experience that i felt this was because of me. i put too much into the relationship. i gave more than i got. i expected a different level of friendship than the other person did, or was able to give. i do that a lot. i get close & i love my friends. i would do anything i could for them. but i also expect a little of the same back.

with this friend i am talking about- it's not really one specific person. it's an amalgam of several people over the years, but the lesson remains. people are different. not everyone is going to care as much as i do. not everyone gives friendship like i do. then again, not everyone gets hurt like i do, or takes so much to heart like i do. so my lesson is learned. i am trying to let things roll. i am not taking in assumptions & letting them fester. if someone is not giving me the friendship i want- i have wonderful friends who do. even if it's a little sad & i would love to have that close friendship with more people, it's just not happening. and that's ok. i can stay friendly without investing all of myself into a one-sided friendship. i can take things less personally.

the friends i do have complete my life. they listen to the foul & angry shit i occasionally spew & do not judge me based on it. they know i need to vent sometimes- as do they. they are there every time i call- even if it's just for meaningless chit chat. they care about me. and i love them for it. there is no self-editing with friends, if you are misunderstood you explain, but the friendship remains the same despite (or perhaps because) of that. if you inadvertantly hurt a friend- you apologize & are forgiven because your heart is known by them. i am lucky enough to have never had a single fight with the best friend i ever had- someone close enough to be family. i am grateful for my friends and hope that we can continue through life with this same support. A bit of a ramble to say i am happy...

luck of the draw

so- yesterday was my birthday & it actually turned out to be a pretty good day. it wasn't exactly how i wanted it, but i found some stuff out & can't complain (well too much... i'll get to that)

i was woken up with my usual cup of coffee in bed by my husband. contain yourselves ladies- he's all mine!!! he also brought me a candle, not on anything- no english muffin, just a tea light for me to make a wish & blow out. sweet, funny little man.

work was busy, but in a good way. my manager said hello when i first walked in very cheerfully- a very little thing, but she & i have a sometimes difficult past relationship & every little thing counts. the intern told me she thought i was 23, not 28 (i got a lot of "no kidding!" when i told people how old i am which always makes you feel pretty good). my manager took out our whole group for lunch which was relaxing & fun. when we got back there was double chocolate cake (with milk!) and a pitiful office rendition of happy birthday. it's so funny to be on the receiving end of it! as an office, we really do make "happy birthday" sound like a funeral hymn.

i was told that my hubby had "stuff to do" & couldn't talk to me when I called around 5. i wanted to remind him that the only thing i wanted for my birthday was a doctor's appointment for him, but he sidestepped it. so i go home, having to stop to pick up tampons- yay!- and i walked in to dinner made & a cute little cake with ahppy birthday candles. he also actually got a card, which i think is a first for my actual birthday. it's either gesture, gift, or card. never 2 out of 3. so- cake was really yummy- and i felt absolutely no guilt for eating 2 different cakes- it's my birthday dammit! oh wait- i had cake for breakfast at work yesterday... still-birthday!

i also got a bunch of cards, a couple text messages, a few myspace messages, calls, & a birthday package from my sis. i think it was the most thought of i have felt for my birthday in a long time. and i drank it up! this is why i love my birthday. i love to bask in the warm glow of friendship, love, & caring. it's just too bad it's so concentrated only once a year!

now to the complaint portion- tom has STILL not made an appointment. i have asked, cajoled, pleaded, ordered, bitched, cried, begged, & bribed. today is his absolute last chance. all he needs to do is sit with a doc, get a general physical & checkup & squirt in a cup. except for the cup, it's all covered & painless. and it's ALL i asked for. i didn't want a gift, i didn't want tickets, or jewelry, or flowers. i want a baby. i want to know if there is an issue with one of us. i would love to jump start my appointment, but i can't with my insurance's one year wait. and right now we can't afford to not have the initial stuff covered. not with the shop still taking off & the holidays around the corner. i'm saving him time, money, & effort. well, some effort. but is it really so fucking hard to call and make an appointment! i know it isn't & if one isn't made by the end of the day- i am calling tomorrow & making it for him. happy birthday to my damn self!

* by the way- here is my birthday surprise- a deliciously decadent homemade cake from my hubby (isn't he sweet- despite the fact that he still hasn't made an appointment- more to come on that):

well. now i just wait

today's temp was up a little, but i also slept in about an hour. the cramps, sore boobs, nipple tenderness are all still here- so much for the BFN making symptoms disappear. also, my internal signs (so to speak) are not showing that AF is coming soon, but she is a sneaky bitch. we have a baptism to go to today- so i will be bringing some back up & not be wearing white...

last night friends came over & watched Rm. 1408. If anyone hasn't seen it- it was interesting. i love love love john c.usak, but there was an additional plot twist that had me in tears. which was odd since it's a horror-thriller. it was about john's character's sick daughter- kind of heart wrenching & completely caught me off guard. then there's a horror twist that was so unexpected. overall the movie was okay, it had some cheesy horror stuff in it & not enough of the black thriller that i like. but not too bad for a saturday night with friends.

but the hanging out with friends part of the evening was fantastic! it was like a little time warp back to college (kind of). let's just say that the men made s.pam pizzas. they looked as disgusting as it sounds, but they ate them up. us girls had grown up grape juice (concord wine literally tastes like grape juice!) and regular pizzas. very relaxing.


* i just want to apologize to my friend M- yesterday you were trying to help me think positively & i was caught up in my bfn induced funk. i just want you to know that i appreciate every kind word & i am sorry i have been a bit of a shitty friend lately. i've been way focused on this cycle & my dread of hitting a year & i haven't been as good a friend as you have been to me. and knowing that you check out my blog & honestly truly care about all this stuff means the world to me. but in an effort to be a better friend- i will post it here instead of yet again steering all our conversations to my world. oh- and it will be a wonderful birthday. as long as we get cake! ;o)

you inspire me to be a better, less selfish person. thank you for your sympathetic ear & putting up with all my drama. i am working on making it less dramatic!