bitter & sweet

my friend & coworker is about to have her baby. i am truly excited to meet her & get to hold her & all that wonderful baby stuff that makes your heart melt- but at the same time i am definitely experiencing some pangs of sorrow for myself. i started on my ttc journey about 2 weeks before she told me she was 9 weeks pregnant. i always thought i would be pregnant the same time as her & that there would actually be a problem because she was getting all the maternity & newborn stuff (petty- but that's what i thought!) flash foward & i have now been trying for nearly as long as she's been pregnant. i am not judging my life based on hers or comparing experiences & i know that in the grand scheme of things that 8 months or even 12 is not that long. it's just a milestone that i thought i would experience in one way & life just hasn't worked out like that.

oddly enough i think that i am starting to feel the barest glimmer of hope coming back. nothing big- i certainly don't think "this is so it!" like i have in the past- but i can see it in my peripheral vision. once i look straight on- poof- gone again. maybe it is all i need to keep me going without going completely nutso.

in thinking about this milestone of my friend's (& my journey so far) i had the oddest thought. i was actually glad that i have struggled with ttc. blasphemy- i know, but let me explain. i am not happy for the struggle itself- i would much rather have had the condom break & been surprised- but since that's not what happened- i have to deal with it. it hasn't been easy & i haven't been 100% proud of how i have been- i know we all have those moments we wish could just be erased- but i have gotten to a point i never thought i could make it too & still be positive at all. the other reasoni am glad is that my husband has been right there beside me through it all. he has truly been my rock & support. we are high school sweethearts- so it has definitely been a rocky road to this point in our lives- but i now feel like we can get through anything. we've grown up together in every sense & i can't imagine anyone else that could not only sustain me & make me laugh on the worst of days- but that i would want to go through this with & for.

plus- i know that having gone through a struggle- you truly appreciate the gifts that life does give you. it's so easy to lose sight of those while you are going through it- but i know the minute i hold my child in my arms it will be worth it a thousand times over.