37829% jealous

last night a group from work went to visit a friend of the firm's & her 3 week old son. he is so perfect & sweet & chubby & smelled so wonderful. as great as seeing & holding a new baby is- i was surprised that i didn't have any flare ups of jealousy at all. he was just too perfect for that. and i think that any time i hold a new baby (any child really, but new babies have a special magic all their own) everything else kind of goes away. it's just about enjoying that moment.

my manager brought her 1 year old over also. this girl is seriously the best. i've known her since she was 4 days old & she is a loveable little imp. she has the best expressive face & she is walking & babbling now. her mom wanted to hold the new baby & she was a little difficult with that- but i played with her & occupied her with my camera & camera bag. by the end of the night i was carrying her around & she gave me a bear hug- the one where they throw their head on your shoulder & bury it in- and a kiss. i totally melted. for me- that sums up perfectly why i want this so bad. what in the world could be better. and if i had that for a fleeting moment with a child i only get to see on occasion- just imagine the love of your own.
as much as the moments i am with kids make me so happy-as soon as i left i bawled on the way home because i don't know if i am going to have that in my life. i hope i do. i hope i do soon. but what if it's just not in the cards. i was convinced that i would either have it already, or at least be pregnant & looking foward to it, by this time. it's just really hard to look forward with hope right now.
and i am waiting to see if i am babysitting another manager's kids tonight. if i'm not i will be so disappointed, but i am also pretty sure that if i do i will cry again tonight when i leave. what a catch 22, i love hanging out with kids- they make me truly happy. i need extra money & i am a great babysitter & would love to do that. but as soon as i leave all i can think of is that my destiny could be to be the eternal babysitter- always borrowing the love of other's children & not knowing that of my own.

p.s.- my horoscope is a little frightening today- especially because i AM driving about 40 minutes to babysit!
If it's at all possible today, avoid driving or operating any heavy machinery. If this sounds like a prescription label to you, then just think of it as a prescription for your day. The big problem will be your energy -- it will not be dependable. Expect mood swings that send you off in unexpected directions. Your mind will wander with little (if any) provocation. Recent revelations are on your mind, which may keep you from giving your full focus to the tasks that demand your attention.