it's a ... life

what a life right now. what a terrible shitty horrible time.



yesterday morning tom decided to have a meltdown. he didn't go into work in the morning & drove me in so he could have the car. on the way he let me know that he 'might be going away for a while'. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! apparently the shop is doing so badly, his life is spiraling out of control, he's in way over his head & doesn't know what to do. oh- and absolutely nothing i say makes any difference. he is making no money & my savings is completely gone. i've put 2500 on credit cards (which in a year isn't all that bad- but i was trying to pay them off not spend more!), i pay for everything in this house & the little he does have to pay for is behind. he let me know that his motorcycle is in repo. fine- not really fine, but it's a luxury and doesn't affect our life negatively if it gets taken away, might be harsh, but true. but the car- the fucking only car we own & that i depend on to get to the only job that actually supports us right now- is ALSO behind in the payment. and i'm finding out now. after hearing him say that since he's over his head he just wants to skip out & bail on his responsibilities. leaving them for me to clean up.

he won't close the shop- even though i can't support us on my own anymore. even though we are reduced to having a fucking roommate with a vicious dog that needs to be in a crate or on a leash when out, even though it means that we can't afford to get pregnant- even if we miraculously could, he won't just pack the fucking thing up. he is so selfish that he will continue to make me a miserable freaked out mess rather than say- the shop failed- i'll be a fucking man & swallow my pride & get a job that supports my family & allows us to actually start one. rather than do that- he's now saying he will get a second job for after the shop is closed. which he's been saying for months & won't do because he works his ass off at that shop & is too tired to work another job after that. so it looks like we are in a holding pattern again. because he will only get a job that is nights or weekends.

on the one hand i feel like i am being selfish by wanting to have a baby now, that i am making it harder on him than it has to be. it's only a year after all... if he gets to realize his goal of owning his own successful business then it will be worth it to hold off on kids right now. but i have been invested 150% in this for over a year now, believing that everything is okay & we're still trying because this is only a temporary situation that is getting better. with his announcement yesterday i feel like it would be a terrible thing to get pregnant right now. with all of this extra stress & uncertainty. how could i knowingly do that, not only to us, but to my unborn child.

on the other hand- how dare he be so selfish as to let me believe & dream & hope for our family to begin only to pull the rug out at the last minute. we're about to start testing. i haven't even had my first appointment yet & i know that no matter what gets found, or what treatment options are laidout- we won't be able to do them. at best- he closes the shop (or a miracle happens & it makes a steady dependable income for us in the next month- ha!) & gets a 9-5 hourly wage job. now - this job only needs to be $8-12 an hour to make a huge difference & get us back up & out of this hole. not much at all- right. easy to find- right. not for my little italian. he refuses to work for $8 an hour! but he'll kill himself for free because it means he's the boss. talk about pride coming before the fall. anyway- i digress- IF he swallows his pride & gets the crappy, but dependable, job- we can maybe pay off our debt & save up for any treatments needed (& i'm pretty sure we'll need them) within 6-8 months. this is not ideal, but at least i would now that there is a solid plan & a goal that we're BOTH working for.

if he keeps the shop & works a second job nights-weekends, then we can forget that little miracle baby because we'll never see each other- much less actually have procreational sex. and what little he makes will just go to keeping him at break-even status. nothing will get paid & the shop may- or may not- do better. but there is no stability & all my plans are useless. i will have to indefinitely put my dream of becoming a mother, what i thought was our shared dream of being parents- on hold for an as of yet undetermined amount of time. i can't even say that next year we could start up again. because i really don't know right now.

does this mean that i should go out & buy condoms & hang it all up. maybe i should- but after a year i can not tell my heart to turn it off. i don't know how to stop ttc. i certainly won't be renewing my ff vip membership as the bbt seems a little useless now, but i don't think that i can prevent. it doesn't seem that natural conception is in the stars for us anyhow- so why bother. and maybe- just maybe- if my misery & anxiety doesn't snap him out of this first- hearing that the miracle actually happened would... who am i kidding. he'll do it when he wants to, no matter what i say.
*i've been thinking about a lot of miracles happening- but the biggest one of all is to have us both get what we want- family & happiness & all that that means. when it all boils down- i know that we'll get through this. we have talked it out & he will do what it takes even if he hates it & even if his pride is screaming that he just can't. i know that we won't prevent because a family is a dream we have & you can't turn a dream off or tell it to take a hike for a little while. i know that even if the shop fails miserably- notice i said the shop & not the hubby- & we do get pregnant- i know that it will all be okay. no matter what- no matter how hard- it will be okay. i have seen people do more with less & i'm sure they were just as scared as me. i just wish it didn't have to be so hard right now. i just wish that i at least knew there was some hope, some silver lining coming soon to brighten my days.

*update- so by the end of today we still have no solid plan, but somehow things are better. i don't know how & i still don't know how we'll be okay, but i do know that we will.

but i do know we'll be okay, no matter what happens. i know that we will get through this together. because i also know that my life is forever tied to this man & that however hard it gets, we'll be okay.

oh- and i think my job is about to get very different. i've just gotten 2 projects to get certified green. i'm a little scared because it's a lot to do, & a ton of responsibility, plus it means that my job is different than i thought it's be. i thought i'd be designing more & i'm doing much less of that (which kind of sucks), but i'm excited about what the possibilities are for this new aspect in my career. it's a lot to take in at once & i just hope that everything going on doesn't overwhelm me.

that's probably enough for 2 days. i need to process all of this.