life is going fast- i think i have ovulated, or maybe i am going to in the next day or so- i honestly have no freaking clue. tom & i had sex for fun (woo-hoo!) a couple times this cycle- maybe it was good timing. but i really couldn't say. which i am okay with. there is too much other shit going on to really get involved with ttc heartache & obsession on top of it right now.
work is gearing up to get crazy busy- it's a lot of spurts of quick deadlines & get it done now- followed by some extended busy work, twiddle your thumbs periods. i have been in the odd (for me) position of being 'in charge' of another person's schedule. i am working with a relatively new to the industry employee and guiding her in the process. which is great- but very strange. i constantly fear that i'm not helping her enough because i am not emphasizing why her mistakes are important to fix & not do again. i am too scared of being undiplomatic, or bitchy, or maybe even just her not getting it because i've upset her by saying she did something wrong instead of pointing out why the right way IS the right way so that she understands why it's done like that. oh- i'm also scared of forgetting something or missing something because it ultimately will fall back on me for not guiding her properly. in a way it's the logical progression of a career- you do something long enough & a 'management' position is in your future. but in another way i feel like a fraud because i know how much i don't know yet. but maybe knowing your limitations & trying to work on them is all part of it. and i think that i am a good teacher- she seems to get it quickly & that has to be somehow, someway in part to how i explain- right?
i also have 3 green projects. i had a call to explain all the credits the other day which i was completely not expecting. but i did okay. i think i explained well & didn't sound like a total idiot or like i was faking it somehow. which i still feel like i might be- not because i do't know my stuff- i'm definitely getting it- but because i am not used to being the holder of knowledge- the expert if you will. i like it- i like having a 'niche', this could be my thing in my firm and i would be happy for it. plus i think it's the perfect mix of knowledge, data, nerdy calculations & lists, with some design & fun new technologies mixed in.
on to the more relevant day to day exciting news- the hub has an accountant- who reviewed the books. now- there's good news & bad news. the bad news is that they should have sent the taxes in monthly & they didn't- so there will be penalties. the good news- is far far less than the hub expected- they can (& will) borrow the $$ from the partners dad & be free & clear. and with the accountant on board they are in a much better position to actually get in the red. the shop actually didn't do all that badly this year- it's just the startup expenses took any potential profit away. and they actually have excellent, perfect records. so while our lives are not immediately improved by this news- things are maybe starting to look cautiously up. i say cautiously because i still can't buy a new coat- which i desperately need, but i know that the car payment is made. and now he doesn't seem to think that he's a failure anymore- which i know he isn't, but he has thought since the shop trouble started. now he knows that they actually did okay- even though we're broke- the shop has the potential to be successful.
thankfully he also knows what he needs to provide for our little 'family' and how he has to do it. i know he takes us seriously & i know that the shop was for us- not just for him. if he had to- he would work at the donut shop counter, or stocking shelves at night. and i love him for that. but i really hope that it never has to happen.
christmas this year will be so strange. i can't afford anything more than cards- i hope that is enough. i can't even afford to get tom anything, which sucks, but in all honesty i think that his gift was this year & all that i have done to keep us afloat. i can't even be modest or humble about that- he owes this year to me & i only hope he appreciates it. all i want from him is a doctors visit. and i doubt i will get it. he has promised to make an appointment on monday- but i've heard that before. actually- i lied. all i really want is to sit at christmas dinner knowing that i have the greatest most miraculous present a girl could get- a baby for the new year. but i'm a realist & i'll take a semen analysis instead.
i'm sorry for the long rambling sort of post- but it's been a long rambling sort of week
3 comments:
It is hard to transition into the manager role, and I think the biggest fear all women have is of being perceived as bitchy. But it sounds like you are on the right track.
Oh and now the song "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" is going through my head but with semen analysis instead!
It sounds like things are looking up. YAY for you!
I sorta know what you mean about having a "lean" christmas. I have spent tiny, piddly amounts on my immediate family (mom, dad, bro- cheap CDs and $5 gifts and the like). I purchased a small gift for my husband, but I feel really bad. I pinned him down earlier this year because he tends to really cheap out on gifts (whereas I will usually spend $150 each on xmas and birthday, just 'cos I'm the only one who gives him gifts on these occasions...), so I made him buy me a combined birthday-christmas present this year. It was way out of his usual price range, and it made him uncomfortable, and now, I feel bad because I so can't afford to return the gesture this year.
I'm the one that forced a big part of the spending that we've done in the past year (minor renovations, etc.), so it's my fault that our savings balance is uncomfortably low, and it's my fault that I've set the expectation with him that he DESERVES a decent Christmas, and now, I can't really deliver.
Sucks. Why can't we all just be made of money???
Hey that sounds like thins are lookin up for both of you. Self confidence is such a hard thing to battle. Feeling like a failure for a guy and watching it as a wife has to be so heartbreaking. Sounds like you are doing a great job, hang in there and be kind to eachother. Life is better with hugs and kisses
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