32 weeks & a letter to my girl

here i am- 32 weeks. for some reason this number sticks out to me. it's truly the home stretch. she has an excellent chance of survival now- and all she really needs to do from here on out is get nice & chubby. i am amazed, i am humbled, i am in complete disbelief at times that this little girl is real & really going to be in my arms in roughly 2 short months. 8 weeks. no time at all really.

here is the 32 week photo- technically it is 9:30 pm at 31w6d, but who's counting. doesn't she look really high up? or is it just me?:

as i lay in bed last night i found myself talking to her in my mind- i just wanted to get it down and this is the logical place for me. it's quite the sapfest- so feel free to skip the rest.

dearest caiden, my sweet & sassy little girl,

thank you for being my miracle. thank you for already making daddy & i so very happy, just knowing you are there. when i see the look on his face when he (finally!) gets to feel you kick & flutter, i fall more in love with him than i thought i would be able to- thank you for that. when he tells me he loves me because i have you in my belly- thank you for that. thank you for your cute rolls & flips- always when i need to feel you moving around after a long day.

i wonder constantly who you are, who you will be. i know this is just the start of my wonderment. i can't believe that i get to watch you grow up & discover & mold the person you will grow into. i feel like it was only yesterday that i even met your dad and here we are now- 15 years past that day & about to welcome a brand new person into the world. i am amazed at how life has turned out & so glad that you are my highlight.

and now the bad part- believe me, it's not pregnancy. or even getting here. i have had it easy. sure we needed some help to get you here, but i would do it again in a heartbeat, every second was so worth it & every dollar spent, every tear shed & every moment wondering if it would ever really happen was nothing. i look back now & see how easy it all was & would go through much much more to be here today. and pregnancy- well, i always said that i would gladly trade months of disappointments & failed cycles for morning sickness & all the pregnancy horrors. So- despite morning (ha- all day!) sickness through 18 weeks- again, i was lucky & would do it all again gladly & with much worse. you have somehow made me the cute pregnant lady who looks like she has a basketball (volleyball/beachball/whatever) stuck under a shirt. i am just starting to get slightly uncomfortable & tired, but not tired of being pregnant. i love it. i love being able to sit still for a while & feel you kick the crap out of me. i love driving to work or back, singing along with the radio & figuring out that you love to jump around to classic rock, the police, and that coldplay puts you to sleep. i love coming home & telling the hub that today was a jungle gym day as you discovered my ribs & just kept pushing them. i love trying to figure out just what exactly you are up to in there & wish there was a little window i could peak into every now & then- just to check on you. although i know i would never look away & nothing would be ready for you when you actually arrived.

the part i dread is the fear. i already have these irrational fears that horrible things will happen. when driving i think that an accident will happen & i will lose you now that we are so close. when at a building that has more than a few stories i worry that somehow i will fall & never get to meet you. then i worry about the after- what if... what if the worst happens? what if we mess up completely & don't realize you are sick? what if something happens to me or to daddy? what if something happens to you? how can i protect you from everything & still have you grow up independent & strong? how can i go back to work & leave you? how can i not? there is so much out there- so many things to worry about & i seem to be letting them all in right now. i know that your dad & i will do everything in our power to give you the best start in life, to give you the best foundation for a good life that we can. i know that everything we do truly is for you (including all the things we do to make ourselves better & happier people). i know that we already know what we don't want to do, how we don't want to be. i know that if there is love, then nothing is impossible & anything can be survived. and little girl- believe me there is love.

you are my everything, my special miracle, my joy. i love your little personality already & can't wait to learn more. but if you wouldn't mind waiting at least 7-1/2 weeks, we will have plenty of time.

all of my heart is yours- mommy