award time

i was nominated for an award by nic. i'm constantly surprised when i see my name pop up on the nominees for these- i always think of my blog as just my ramblings & the crap that runs through my mind. certainly nothing of great interest- especially right now!

the award is:



i have to choose 8 blogs: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"


i nominate:

m - who lives in my fair city & always has great advice for me! (plus hooked me up with my acupuncturist who i credit with helping get us here in the first place!)

kate - who always has clever posts & is so supportive! even when she is feeling down from life in general & losing her ability to run (temporarily) which she absolutely loves

kym - who i blog stalk far too often without leaving a comment, which i am guilty of a lot! she always elicits a response from me- either laughter, tears, or a shaking of the head at her wisdom wrapped in great writing.

merlot - who has had a crap time of it -especially lately- but who always bounces back & sees the good in her life. i hope her path is ending at the pot of gold soon!

jewels - who is sunshine. always with a supportive & kind comment. she deserves to relax in her happiness!

nancy - because she rocks & we are twin souls- especially with our choices of television (gordon ramsey on top gear?!)

io - who i have missed during her hiatus & i am glad she is back to blogging.

is that 8? if you have read me over here & left a kind comment- consider yourself #8.

i am enjoying a snow day today. i have a little work from home i will do this afternoon. but last night i felt what i could only describe as menstrual cramps. 2-3 of them. i changed positions, drank some water, freaked out a little bit & worried about it, but didn't call the doc. i'm actually glad i didn't because once i got upstairs & passed gas i felt completely better. how embarrassing would that have been!

the hands still hurt- they fall asleep very easily & my feet have definitely gotten bigger. they aren't swollen- just bigger. i couldn't fit into any boots this morning to walk the dogs. i must have looked a sight because i wore my yoga pants (weekend uniform these days if i don't leave the house) tucked into the hub''s paratrooper boots along with his parka with the big furry hood pulled up. hot- i know. don't be jealous!

other than that everything's going great. interviewed the pediatrician on friday & i really liked them. they have privileges at my hospital & i felt very comfortable with all his answers. plus he volunteered a lot of info i didn't ask about that was great. they are very pro-breastfeeding & not quick to prescribe medication unless necessary. which all goes with our philosophy too.

caiden's been pretty active lately- i swear i can almost see actual feet as she moves them across my belly! i do light circles on the belly & she always responds by moving around about 5 seconds after i stop. it's so cool! although i have been saying that i can't wait to meet her- after last night's 'scare' i certainly can. i don't mind if she wants to come a few days early- the hub also thinks she'll be 2-3 days early- but she can stay in & cook as long as she wants! my doctors appointment is wednesday & they'll do the gbs test. i have to remember to ask how she's presenting & i am actually a little tiny (teeny tiny nancy- not much!) nervous about my weight gain these past 2 weeks. according to my scale i jumped up about 3-4 pounds, but 2 pounds of that was yesterday to today. i am going to remember to drink a ton of water since i am always worse with that when home than at work & see what tomorrow says. since my bp was high last visit - mostly due to being late & running to get to the appointment- i just don't want to have any reason for anything negative to be said. my docs are very strict on weight gain as it is. i completely understand that even if i did somehow gain 4 pounds in 2 weeks i am still overall well within the normal range. i'm only up a max of 26 pounds at 35w2d. i think that's pretty damn good & they should remember that! of course- my shower was last weekend with that super decadent cake that i completely pigged out on. i wouldn't be surprised if my weight was up just due to that! i'll take it though- that cake was so worth it! (and the cookies, the tomato pie, the ziti... yum!!)

32 weeks & a letter to my girl

here i am- 32 weeks. for some reason this number sticks out to me. it's truly the home stretch. she has an excellent chance of survival now- and all she really needs to do from here on out is get nice & chubby. i am amazed, i am humbled, i am in complete disbelief at times that this little girl is real & really going to be in my arms in roughly 2 short months. 8 weeks. no time at all really.

here is the 32 week photo- technically it is 9:30 pm at 31w6d, but who's counting. doesn't she look really high up? or is it just me?:

as i lay in bed last night i found myself talking to her in my mind- i just wanted to get it down and this is the logical place for me. it's quite the sapfest- so feel free to skip the rest.

dearest caiden, my sweet & sassy little girl,

thank you for being my miracle. thank you for already making daddy & i so very happy, just knowing you are there. when i see the look on his face when he (finally!) gets to feel you kick & flutter, i fall more in love with him than i thought i would be able to- thank you for that. when he tells me he loves me because i have you in my belly- thank you for that. thank you for your cute rolls & flips- always when i need to feel you moving around after a long day.

i wonder constantly who you are, who you will be. i know this is just the start of my wonderment. i can't believe that i get to watch you grow up & discover & mold the person you will grow into. i feel like it was only yesterday that i even met your dad and here we are now- 15 years past that day & about to welcome a brand new person into the world. i am amazed at how life has turned out & so glad that you are my highlight.

and now the bad part- believe me, it's not pregnancy. or even getting here. i have had it easy. sure we needed some help to get you here, but i would do it again in a heartbeat, every second was so worth it & every dollar spent, every tear shed & every moment wondering if it would ever really happen was nothing. i look back now & see how easy it all was & would go through much much more to be here today. and pregnancy- well, i always said that i would gladly trade months of disappointments & failed cycles for morning sickness & all the pregnancy horrors. So- despite morning (ha- all day!) sickness through 18 weeks- again, i was lucky & would do it all again gladly & with much worse. you have somehow made me the cute pregnant lady who looks like she has a basketball (volleyball/beachball/whatever) stuck under a shirt. i am just starting to get slightly uncomfortable & tired, but not tired of being pregnant. i love it. i love being able to sit still for a while & feel you kick the crap out of me. i love driving to work or back, singing along with the radio & figuring out that you love to jump around to classic rock, the police, and that coldplay puts you to sleep. i love coming home & telling the hub that today was a jungle gym day as you discovered my ribs & just kept pushing them. i love trying to figure out just what exactly you are up to in there & wish there was a little window i could peak into every now & then- just to check on you. although i know i would never look away & nothing would be ready for you when you actually arrived.

the part i dread is the fear. i already have these irrational fears that horrible things will happen. when driving i think that an accident will happen & i will lose you now that we are so close. when at a building that has more than a few stories i worry that somehow i will fall & never get to meet you. then i worry about the after- what if... what if the worst happens? what if we mess up completely & don't realize you are sick? what if something happens to me or to daddy? what if something happens to you? how can i protect you from everything & still have you grow up independent & strong? how can i go back to work & leave you? how can i not? there is so much out there- so many things to worry about & i seem to be letting them all in right now. i know that your dad & i will do everything in our power to give you the best start in life, to give you the best foundation for a good life that we can. i know that everything we do truly is for you (including all the things we do to make ourselves better & happier people). i know that we already know what we don't want to do, how we don't want to be. i know that if there is love, then nothing is impossible & anything can be survived. and little girl- believe me there is love.

you are my everything, my special miracle, my joy. i love your little personality already & can't wait to learn more. but if you wouldn't mind waiting at least 7-1/2 weeks, we will have plenty of time.

all of my heart is yours- mommy

sweet times (updated)

wish me luck- i am off to my 1 hour gtt now. mom is coming with me so we will at least have some time to catch up. they have spoiled us rotten for christmas, but that's another post...

update:

the 1 hour glucose was fine. i'm really glad my mom ended up being here & came along to it. i didn't realize you couldn't leave & i would have been bored out of my mind! it was nice to have an hour together just the two of us to catch up. they only stayed the one night on their yearly post-christmas travel session. as she was leaving my mom told the caiden-bump that the next time she saw her she would probably actually 'see' her! then my dad mentioned that she does have a few long weekends between now & then, so who knows... if i actually thought i was having a shower i would think that was a hint. but my family is scattered all over, a lot of my friends are too & they are all in different circles- there isn't one big group of girlfriends. i haven't been asked for a single address & i am 27 weeks tomorrow. time is ticking & i just don't see it happening. eh- i could be surprised, but i just don't know. i won't lie & say i don't care- i really kind of do, but i'm a big girl & can deal with it. maybe i'll just have a 'meet the baby' party since we don't belong to any religion to have a christening or whatnot to gather everyone together. plus that way everyone can meet her too. bah- maybe i'm just sad because i really liked spending time with my parents & it is all too short.

my sister is coming up tomorrow though. a total last minute surprise & it will be awesome to see her again. thankfully she stuck to her no buying presents for us rule, because we didn't get them anything either. we did repay her super generous loan (finally!) so that's good.

i do have a confession. now that i have let myself go to start buying things for caiden i have a compulsion. i can not go to a mall without picking up something for her. now- it's always on sale & i never spend more than $20 at a time, but i came home with 6 little outfits or pieces for her. i don't stock up on diapers, or essentials, or put the money towards a car seat. all things i should be doing now. and i don't really care when i go into her closet & look at the adorable little outfits & imagine who she will be as she wears them. it's surreal. but amazing. and all from some good old-fashioned american consumerism... i will give up buying clothes for me (that i really do kind of need right now) to get her something. i'm still well within the monthly budget, but any extra goes straight to her wardrobe. i do try to get a variety of sizes too though- she is pretty heavy in the 3 month or so range, but 6-12 is coming up nicely...

i also got my cradle from my aunt & set it up last night. not sure if this is the final spot- but i think it is awesome that my daughter will spend her first few weeks where i spent mine.

the blanket is one that i actually made- not sure when she will really get to use it, but it makes the cradle look a little less bare right now!

ah- christmas

i have to say that this christmas was one of the most stress free, quiet, relaxing christmas' we've had. not having (or getting depending on how you look at it) to travel really cuts down the stress. the hub & i even went out christmas eve & didn't want to run anyone off the road! ;o) knowing that we could just go home & relax with some hot cocoa made the crowds totally bearable. of course- you could tell we are in a recession as it was no problem finding parking & we only had to wait on line for about a minute.

the hub made us waffles on christmas morning. we cleaned the house a little & just hung out with each other. we watched 10,000 b.c. (which was okay- the cgi & effects were decent, but i wouldn't call it a great movie) he made chicken & i made whipped sweet potatoes. he attempted to make cookies while i showered earlier in the day, but didn't read the directions all that well & forgot the egg. which was a blessing in disguise since he severely undercooked them. needless to say- i will be resuming all baking duties around this house!

yesterday i went out with my neighbor to hit up the sales- again, not as crowded as i expected. i finished up my shopping for my best friend, & my parents. of course i had to hit up the clearance racks for little girl baby clothes & got caiden some really cute things. i have 14 weeks to go now- i have a feeling it will go by very quickly!

we're finally finishing up the painting on the nursery today. the hub wanted to spackle & touch up some things. then we just need to install trim & carpet & we are ready for furniture we haven't even gotten yet! i did find my crib set on crai.gslist for a steal- so i am going to try to get that sometime tomorrow or maybe monday. tomorrow my best friend comes over to take maternity photos- so i will have to post them once we are done- probably mid week or so. for now i will have to make due with the good old ghetto cell phone pic... which i still have to take- i'll pop that in later!

well- here's my ghetto belly pic- i have been painting this afternoon (which is 99% done now! Yay!!! just one more coat on the wall that got spackled & we are done!) i'm also picking up our crib set tomorrow- i got the bumper, quilt, fitted sheet, a decorative pillow, an extra sheet & the crib skirt- all for $40!!!! i am super excited esppecially since it just went on clearance & who knows if it will all be available whenever my shower rolls around. plus it's about 60% less than i would pay for even clearance prices! can you tell i love a bargain- even though i had this on my registry & theoretically wouldn't be paying for it anyway, lol!

okay- enough already- here's my sloppy 26 week pic. better ones will be forthcoming so excuse the outfit, hair, lack of makeup or care about personal appearance!

with clothing:

bare belly (somehow seems smaller this way):

radio silence

we are out of internet the moment. life is good & busy & it's not such an inconvenience, but it's only been a day. due through the kindness of one of my neighbors who has not secured their wireless network- i am here momentarily. i can't comment or really do much of anything at work, so i may be unusually (yes- even for me!) quiet for a little while until this is resolved. i can read blogs at work, but not comment.

last night was my holiday party at work- it was so much fun & i had a great time. i of course forgot to bring my pollyanna present like a fucking moron (or at least a preggo moron!) but i will have to bring it in on monday. thankfully it was my good friend at the office so i think she understood! caiden got so many presents- 4 little onesies & shirts & an adorably & totally impractical 0-3 month pink tutu! i love it to death! i had to go through her little wardrobe when i got home, it currently lives in a few bags in my closet. she is actually pretty good on the 0-3 month size. we're decent with onesies in 3-6. if i get anything from a babyshower (who knows when that would even be...) i may have to exchange for larger sizes just to round it out & keep her clothed past september! i am getting so excited to meet her- i want to see her & even though i can totally wait the next 3+ months, i am so excited to meet my baby girl!

a lot of this is coming from officially reaching viability. i am now 25 weeks & i happen to know someone who's twin girls were born this early. they are now 12. while this thought makes me thrilled for the advances in medical science- i definitely do not want my daughter getting any bright ideas! no joining us early- no matter how fun it seems out here! i will try to get my pic from 24 weeks up, but who knows how long this pirated connection can last. until i can get back to normal- take care & i am reading, if not posting or commenting!

it's official- i am gone

vacation has officially started! i'm not doing anything except working on the house & specifically the nursery if i can. the hub is being difficult about what i am 'allowed' to do. before anyone gets the wrong idea- it's not a pregnant lady can't lift anything thing.. it's a my designer wife actually sucks at putting paint on the walls thing. it's true- i admit it. i can pick the colors that go on the wall like nobody's business, but when it comes time to roll up my sleeves and actually put paint to wall i don't do well at all. i am great with fine details & artistic endeavors. i can trim out a room without needing tape. but a roller in my hands is lethal. and the hub refuses to redo what i have already done again. so he will paint the room & i will paint the stripes on the long wall. and then i have a lot of little things to get & figure out. little decorations & touches. but there is of course plenty of time for that.

we've been picking up little things here & there in the 2 weeks since we found out that she's a she. tonight we got a sweet little jacket since it will be april in the northeast (well- north mid-atlantic region at least) it's not unheard of to be freezing or even snowing that time of year. i am getting more excited the more i let myself look & even *gasp* buy!!! things for her. i want to enjoy this pregnancy as if it's my only one- since who knows if it will be or not. i want to be content that i did everything i wanted & savored every moment, even the gross & unpleasant ones. not that it makes them any less gross or unpleasant, but i can tolerate them just fine knowing that a: i am damn lucky to have it in the first place, & b: i may miss it when i can't get pregnant after this (just keeping it in my head) like tonight- while shopping for work clothes for the hub & picking out said cute little jacket- i sneezed. but i also had to pee. so i did a little. standing in the aisle. not gushing out my pants leg pee, but a little trickle i have never really experienced before. even with having a bum kidney & a stent in, i never peed myself... fun. but i'll take it i guess. i know it's just the first of many icky situations i am in store for.

oh- big huge news- we have a name!!! we decided 2 weeks ago, but i've been savoring it & getting used to the fact that not only will i have a daughter, but she has a name. i'll share, but with a warning that while there are a million names i don't like- i never mention it to anyone, except maybe the hub, if i don't like a friend's choice in names. it's just not polite. so, please be polite & just glaze over this part if you don't care for it................................................ caiden lily.

the hub will of course be calling her iron caiden like the metal head he is.

freaky skeleton monkey baby

as promised- pictures! she absolutely refused to turn profile, definitely a little diva already! And the full on face shots really do look a little freaky. we didn't get the gender shot because we had to ask the tech when she was practically done to even check for it. oh well- i am positive in what i saw!

so here's my little monkey... er- girl!

looking with the top of the head to the left- relatively normal & cute. see the little fingers peeking out to the right?:

here's the little right (?) foot- heel to the left, toes to the right:

here's the one i think illustrates that we are in fact having a skeleton monkey baby. (i kid- she's perfect, but this shot is totally freaky!):

historical

in a little less than two hours i should hopefully be able to tell my son or daughter that we found out their sex on the morning of the most historic presidential decision in history. decided by a landslide. i am happy this morning!

will be back of course with the news once i have it!

update: well knock me over with a feather! it's a ...............................girl!!!! i was so thinking boy that it took a full 30 seconds to sink in. the hub of course asked for the percentage of false guesses! but he is warming up to it now. i will have full details & photos later- my sis is up for a visit & work is kicking my ass, so i am off to finally relax & enjoy thinking about my daughter!

introductions please

well this morning was almost as perfect as it could be. i got there early & got in with a lovely sweet tech who immediately got to the good stuff. the basics- everything looks perfect, heart rate is 153, the NT measurement was 1.9- i guess anything up to 2.8 is normal, so we are good there.

spring roll was such a good little baby at first, kept turning the exact way the tech wanted. then i guess the jig was up because all of a sudden he (i am just using he to be simpler i refuse to say it & i kind of feel boy) threw his hands in front of his face & hid! then he started bouncing & dancing & wiggling all over the place! the tech was able to get some really cute pictures finally, it was just so surreal to see such an active little baby bouncing around when not only can't i feel anything, but my jeans still fit! i really wish the hub could have been there, but i sent him the pictures tonight & his grandfather just got there for a visit- so 3 generations can look at the fourth together. which is pretty cool too.

the only negative to my appointment was having to wait over 40 minutes in the lab across the hall to get one stinking vial of blood drawn that took 20 seconds. i was late to work because of the stupid lab procedures checking in one person, then waiting, then seeing that person, then checking in the next, etc. especially when i didn't need to get checked in at all- it was frustrating!

oh well, it could have been much worse! - without further delay i give you the reason i am on cloud nine today:

waving hello

our little thinker


i think that's daddy's nose:

this one's just kind of freaky with the jaw, but so cool!:

nervous excitement

tomorrow at 8 am i have my sequential screening. which means ultrasound people! i am very excited to see spring roll- this is the 'real' shot- the one where s/he's transformed from the little gummy bear i saw 6 weeks ago to a squirmy little baby. and the hub can't be there for it. that's the part that makes me just slightly nervous. i feel pretty confident that everything is fine, but just in case it would have been nice to have him there with me. plus he missed the heartbeat appointment & now he is missing this. i don't need him there- but i know how disappointed he was to miss the heartbeat (by the way too busy to search for dopplers lately- work is psycho busy) and i know he'll be a little disappointed to miss this.
at least he'll only have to wait another 2 weeks or so until the next doctor's appointment & a month after that for the 'big' ultrasound.

in other news- my morning sickness is playing a cruel new trick on me. i feel fantastic now during the day. i can eat pretty much whatever i want - and i want to eat more of the food i couldn't before. but i think it's come at a price- i am now experiencing the intense sudden onset morning sickness where i need to sprint to the nearest receptacle every morning. i had only vomited 5 times before this week- now i'm stopping counting. i honestly don't know which i'd rather be stuck with, but it really could be worse. i could have both...

i'll try to update tomorrow- but pictures will have to wait until saturday i think.

wish me luck

i am trying to get ready at the speed of light to get to my appointment a little early this morning. i have no idea how long it will take & it's only me & my coworker this week- so i don't want to leave her hanging. plus i want to hear the heartbeat early dammit!

i know it's silly of me, but what the hell- i am embracing it. i just can't bring myself to wear those damn pants until after today. i just want to hear that everything's okay & then i can maybe relax- just a little until the next thing has me freaked out! ;o) i definitely don't want to be a neurotic worrier my entire pregnancy. i have relaxed a little about a lot of different things. i think today has just been a long time coming (only a little IF pun intended) and after waiting 6 weeks instead of 4 between appointments has me antsy. i'll be back on schedule now- so hopefully this won't happen again!

of course- i felt like shit all day yesterday- which was perversely wonderful after feeling really good all weekend. i am a sick puppy, i really don't enjoy being nauseous & throwing up- it is my least favorite form of illness, but i am comforted by it right now. since i can't feel movement (& won't for a good number of weeks) this is what i have to say 'yes- it's real'.
i think i will try to record the heartbeat to my phone today to make that my reality touchstone- far less queasiness. plus the hub can't make it today & i know he wants to hear it too...

i'll be back tonight with an update- sorry for the long wait.

the hub didn't get home until late & he brings the computer with him. my appointment was great, very quick. blood pressure, labs & last ultrasound all looked fantastic. then we talked about the sequential screening- which i need to get scheduled asap! then she gave me the script for the 'big' ultrasound. then we got down to business. she warned me that it may take a while to find, but she found it in 30 seconds or so of looking. the most beautiful fast whooshing! i felt so relieved & happy & thrilled all in a moment. then it was over. i barely had time to let it sink in & it was gone. i didn't even get the heart rate, but that sucker was fast!

hopefully i get another peek at spring roll next week. i can wait to see in there again!

another week another post

damn- i really suck lately at this posting shit. it has been an excessively busy week at work- next week will not be any better- and i am just so dead tired at the end of the day it's all i can muster to read a few blogs & leave a couple comments.
all excuses aside- this has been a big week for me. well- a big two days anyway. yesterday i bought my first maternity pants. no- i am not showing at all & i have actually technically lost weight since my first appointment (more on that in a bit) but my pants are feeling uncomfortably tight around my belly lately. it's tolerable in the morning, but by the evening i just want to unbutton the damn things or walk around in stretchy yoga pants. so while i was getting cat food & detergent i picked up a pair of pretty nice work maternity pants. i tried them on & instantly felt so much better. they have the two stretchy side pieces- no panel, so they actually fit now without falling down. i will probably need a belly band later on with them- but i may be actually wearing them this week. yikes!
i am unjustifiably nervous about actually wearing these pants. i am so afraid i will jinx the pregnancy by putting them on too soon. they are hanging in my closet with the tags on & will stay there until at least wednesday. i have my next appointment on tuesday morning & they hope to get a heartbeat on the doppler. i can't see myself wearing maternity pants before then. no matter how comfortable they are... weird- i know.

the hub got a scale this week as he is trying to lose weight. i haven't owned a scale in years since i usually fluctuate 5-7 pounds anyway & i only gauge by how clothes fit. but since he got it i decided to get on & see how much i've gained since being weighed at the docs almost 6 weeks ago. a little history- i m short & curvy. i am only a size 8, but i weigh a lot more than i look like i do. after my surgery i was ballooned up to almost 170 pounds due to the inactivity before it & the bloat & gain after. i have slowly taken that down- it took a long time because my diet really couldn't be altered too much to cut anything out & my activity level could only increase slowly. but i was down about 10 pounds right before the iui. then at my first appointment with the ob i was down to 155. (the nurse asked me where i put it- i think it was a compliment...) i was glad i was down a little more than i thought i was because i really want to be careful about my weight gain. i am eating very healthy & i just can't eat as much at a time as i used to. but i snack a lot more. i guess that i am just not getting enough calories in because i was down to 153 this morning. i'm not throwing up much- only 4 times or so- and i do eat & keep food down, but i guess the increased caloric need is just not being met.
in a way i am glad that i am not overdoing it- but i want to make sure i get enough in. it's just hard with the serious food aversions i seem to have. i will be halfway through a meal & literally not be physically able to eat another bite. i can usually eat what i want at night, so i do, but it just might not be enough. i'll have to ask the doc when i go, but overall i am not overly concerned- just keeping it in the back of my mind...
granted- i do still have a little 'extra' fuel packed on for spring roll- so i'm pretty sure s/he'll be just fine!

i am however really feeling things starting to push out or up. i got my 2 belly bands today & had to run & put the black one on immediately. it's amazing to me how just my belly feels the need for more space. my ass & hips & thighs still totally fit my pants- i just want them unbuttoned! i mention all this only because i always thought that since i had some extra weight & am a little curvier that i would gain all over immediately. my brain knows that the way that my body is working is perfect for me & everything is great, but it's still strange to reconcile. i never expected to fit into size 8 maternity wear. i thought i would have to go up immediately. i very well may still have to, but i am just so surprised it's not yet.

i am still wondering when i will officially tell work- i had originally thought it would be this week, but i really want to wait until after my review. that won't be until next week at the earliest. at the rate they are going i may be 13-14 weeks along before they know. not that that's a bad thing, but every week that goes by i am afraid i will slip it out somehow & not be able to tell who i want how i want. since i can only forsee doing this pregnancy thing this one time (at least for now) i really want to get it right & do everything i want. i want the fairy-tale pregnancy as much as i can get it. by that i just mean i want to be able to embrace everything as if i am never going through it again. so if i never do i won't think 'i wish i had done it that way instead'. you know?

this has been a ramble, but i am still here & things are going really well overall. i a so excited to see the widget looking like a real baby- i can't believe it's 11 weeks already!

already?

i am a quarter of the way through pregnancy. holy fucking shit! 10 weeks (& 1day) i was going to post the belly pic yesterday, but it was a bit of a rough day. i am hormonally overloaded & the hub & i gt into a huge fight. i honestly can't remember how it started- or even what it was about now. but at the time i was convinced we were going to split up & i would be a single mom... then i just had to leave the house- during the heaviest downpour of the remnants of the hurricane that actually hit up here (nothing too bad- just some pounding rain for a bit). by the time i got back he was thankfully apologetic (even if i can't remember if he needed to apologize, but he learns quickly!) and we went out thrift store shopping.

i went to put on my normal (slightly skinny) weekend jeans & they just felt too uncomfortable. they still fit & look fine, but felt like i was wearing a big rubber band across my belly. as soon as i unbuttoned them i realized i really need a belly band with them if i am going to continue to attempt wearing them! i ordered one this week, but i probably won't get it before the end of next week at the earliest. i found 2 for $20 online & absolutely refuse to pay $30 each at the evil maternity store.

when we got to the thrift store i beelined it to the maternity section. for the most part this place has barely used, really nice, upscale clothes donated there, so i tried on a pair of corduroy maternity pants. i still don't fit in them, but they were so freaking comfortable! i noticed little wear right where the band attached to the pant so i didn't get them, but i think in a few weeks i will have to start looking for them seriously. shirts i am pretty good with. there are a few that just don't fit right anymore, but for the most part they are all still fine.

we also got our first purchase for spring roll. a few receiving blankets at $1 each. it felt a little weird to buy something this early, but we both told ourselves that for that cheap we should just get them since we saw them. he also got a new backpack that could easily double as a daddy diaper bag if needed.

then we took the plunge. we went to the r-us store... wandered around looking at cribs for features we like & to compare prices. i have decided that a separate changing table is pretty useless. we already have a dresser that could just get restained & refinished to be brand new & we just need to pop a changing pad on top of that. thankfully the hub is very handy & can even make a box to stabilize the changing pad. cribs we may look for second-hand. i am still undecided because of not knowing if we really need a new one or not. luckily there's time. the hub saw a pack-n-play & decided that it's the best thing ever. it was really cute to see him get excited over one! then, just as we went to explore the travel system area & play with all the strollers- i spotted a woman that works pretty closely with my job. it was very 007 for a minute as we tried to sneak out of the store before she spotted me! (i haven't told my job yet- except for my manager- and i just didn't want to have to try to come up with an excuse why we were there.) we ended up heading home & stopped at another store by my house that i had forgotten about and really got to explore. it was really nice to see the hub folding up strollers & figuring out how the car seats went with them. we found 2 we really like. since i have plenty of time i figure we can wait to see which one is the best & when they go on sale! (i am a severe bargain shopper- i am the budgeter which is why we are still okay, pretty much, after he had a year with no salary while he had the shop. so i always try to find the best, least expensive option. just wanted to throw that out since i realized i was talking money a lot in this post!) i think that the only things i definitely want to buy new are the pack-n-play (because i am picky about colors & style) and the travel system. i am fine with hand-me down clothes, bedding, toys, bouncers, even the crib as long as i am comfortable with the quality & safety.

we are really starting to get cautiously excited & i guess i am starting to get more comfortable & relaxed with the fact that i am really pregnant. i can't wait until my next appointment (1 week & 2 days) to see if we can hear the heartbeat, but my nausea has me pretty well comforted about spring roll doing what he's supposed to. (i've said it before- but isn't it just weird that we get happy for feeling sick?)

anyway- here is 10 week belly pic. i really need to start getting the hub to take them. or use the tripod because these really suck! i don't really see too much difference in two weeks. except the boobs. they really are huge! the hub is thrilled- especially since they are starting to hurt less. just a dull ache especially in the morning.

i know- i suck

aci am the worst blogger ever! almost a week in between posts! to be fair- it wasn't all that exciting a week. morning sickness still lasts until around 4 pm. but i have only thrown up twice so far. food continues to be the enemy- especially at lunch. i can't eat protein then unless it's peanut butter or cheese. speaking of cheese- cheese sticks are my secret weapon- so weird...
other than that i feel really good. i am starting to get a little bloated belly at the end of the day, pants fit a little tighter, but i am the only one who notices. the hub thinks i am crazy!
he is happy about my purchase yesterday though- i officially moved up in bra sizes. i really should have gotten the 34DD, (yes- i'm a D to begin with- yikes for the next 7 months & beyond!) but i just couldn't bring myself to go from the 2 hook band to the 3 hook band. 2 hooks means there are still pretty feminine bras i can wear- 3 hooks means i am turning into my mother with the ultra supportive yet unattractive undergarments. (to be fair- mom really likes vickie's secret- so she finds some pretty ones- but i can't afford them for a bra i will grow out of in the next few weeks/months)
i am sure i will have to take the plunge soon, but i am holding off as long as a 36D will let me!

my parents are coming up to visit this weekend- mom has made me an apple pie & some cheese bread, she made sausage & peppers for the hub & brought a ton of food for a bbq at my aunt's tomorrow. it should be a really nice visit & i haven't seen them in a really long time, so i am very much looking forward to this weekend!

-i also told my boss yesterday- it went really well. except for the fact that she already knew! the woman must be observant as hell because i thought i was being so sneaky! she was really sweet though & it gets a little more real each person i tell... i wonder when it's going to feel real all the time.

i hope everyone has a fantastic holiday weekend!

quick update- my parents brought me about 10 pregnancy, name, & parenting books from my sister- she took color coded notes for e on what to expect- things like 'stuff for the hub', 'aw(notice very few of these), 'scary- but should know', & my favorite- 'ew- sucks to be you'! she also made notations on the little tabs- on the "Your Pregnancy Lifestyle' page- under 'scary- but should know': Congratulations- now change Everything!
i love my sister! she took weeks to read through this book (which i have heard has a bit of a scary 'holy crap!' kind of info in it) to highlight what she thought i should know & to put funny little comments to make me happier while reading it! i just wish she could have come to visit these weekend too... i miss her!
one last thing- did you notice my widget baby finally has lost that creepy look? yay for 9 weeks! it feels so far from only 5 weeks ago when i found out, but still ages from holding our spring roll...

8weeks belly - a little late!

we had such a nice, busy, yet still relaxing weekend. with one snag. we are finally all moved back into the living room!!!! i am so thrilled to be out of the basement man den! i was a big slug for the move, the hub has been amazing about just letting me sleep (pass out really) and doing almost everything himself. i can't say i'm not liking being spoiled, but i'm not used to not doing anything.

so yesterday i got my lazy ass off the couch to get dressed & walk the dogs. the only thing was i couldn't find my favorite sandals, so i put on this old pair. as i started down the stairs i realized why i never wore them as my foot sailed out from under me. luckily i was holding the hand rail & slowed my crash into a drop onto my right hip/cheek. my left foot got caught up underneath me & i now have two lovely bruises. foot & ass. i of course had a minor freak out about spring roll. the adrenaline of the slip made my sore boobs & general fullness feel like it went away. i refused to do much of anything. especially because my foot felt like i may have sprained or broken something. so i laid on the couch (some more!) and just rested & drank a ton of water. by the time we had to go to our friend's house to help him move i was feeling much better. i am all good this morning, except for said sore ass & the foot is a little sore, but nothing broken! and i am sure that spring roll is fine. i have quite a bit of extra padding! but it's crazy how the littlest thing that you don't think about twice turns into a huge source of worry once you have a little person in there.

i did take my 8w belly pics- i wanted the hub to retake them since they came out so fuzzy & badly, but then i fell so i forgot about it. these will have to do...

here you can see my cute little old Cassie in her favorite spot (ignore the messed up bed, it's hard to make when a cat refuses to move off it!):

this i took because i have this tattoo & it will stretch & change as the belly does- i thought it would be good to get some shots of that! also if you look hard you can see the 'shark bite' as i like to call my kidney scar!

still here... still fighting

fighting off morning sickness that is. or shall i say all day especially 20 minutes after or before a meal sickness. so far the count is only 2 (both while brushing teeth- how horrible is that for gag reflex!) but today i came close a number of times. i try to snack on little things throughout the day. but despite having applesauce for pre-breakfast, peanut butter crackers on the drive into work, delicious carb laden bagel for breakfast, peanut butter crackers for mid morning snack, pizza for lunch (I forgot to pack this am!), almonds for mid afternoon snack & i am making dinner now- i am still feeling like i could vomit at any moment. then i'll eat & feel really great for an hour or two. it's harder to want to snack on something when you feel this nauseous, but snacking seems to help. water seems to make me feel more nauseous- so does mint gum apparently. odd.

smells are so very strong right now. i walked past the kitchen at work this afternoon to go to the copier. someone left a pickle out on the counter (we have a very communal share policy with food- someone will always eat something if you put it on the counter) the smell mad me gag every time i walked past. thinking about it is making me gag hours later.

i have to say though- other than that i feel fantastic. i know i'm only almost 8 weeks, but i feel like things are moving down in the ute. clothes are fitting just slightly tighter & the end of the day i need my yoga pants. (although that really isn't new to being pregnant!) i am loving every second of it & saturday i will start taking my belly pics. i kind of felt silly doing it before 8 weeks since there will be no progression for a little while (i'm sure). but now i feel pregnant so i feel better documenting it. make sense?
it's so strange to be so happy that your body is making you feel ill all the time. but i am happy about it. i said as much to my mom- who never had a problem conceiving, but she said she totally remembered feeling that way too. that somehow puking your guts out makes it more real & that's a comfort. at least my weirdness runs in the family...

the happiest sight of all

i need to figure out how to get a photo of the teeny printouts on here, but we saw our little spring roll tonight. just one (like i pretty much thought all along) in my uterus. yay! little heart beating away at 156 bpm. mom is convinced i am having a girl now. i immediately thought of nancy's little girl with the fast heartbeat. and the penis.
s/he's measuring ahead at 7w4d. mommy's little overachiever! i was so happy i started giggling. the hub told me to stop moving because i was messing up the picture! he almost didn't come tonight because he was on a roll with house repair stuff. he stayed home from work today to finish up some stuff & he wasn't sure if it would really be worth the gs to drive out to my job to go tonight (the nerve!). i am so glad he decided to come & i know he really is too. he actually saw our baby first- he asked the tech 'what are we looking at here' and she turned the screen & pointed out the flicker. the mot beautiful sight i have ever seen!

a funny thing about tonight. as i was getting ready the tech asked if i was told about the transvag u/s. i said no- but no problem since the d-cam is an old friend. she then asked if this was my first & seemed a little surprised when i said yes. i told her that we went to an RE & she said 'oh- i went to ____ _____' my very clinic! she was so nice & friendly & told me about her experiences there- how much she liked it, but she was on a break because her only shot is ivf & she couldn't afford it. but since my clinic does tons of trials & research studies she might have a shot of getting into one now. she asked if i had to do a lot of fertility meds & i told her how amazingly lucky we were to only have the one round of clomid + iui. it was actually kind of nice to meet someone who i could just chat about all this, all while staring at the most beautiful image on te screen. it's such a small world. i couldn't help but wonder how she gets through her job on the tough days. she had such a positive attitude about it (although she has 2 kids & 2 stepkids- not that that really makes it easier, just a little different).

once i figure the whole picture of a picture thing out i will post- i promise!

okay- it's a picture of a picture but here's spring roll!

bad blogger (updated)

i am still here, still ecstatically in shock. i am just passing out every night at ridiculously early hours! the hub has started taking pictures of me in my various states of passed-out-edness.
other than that i feel pretty good. i am getting slightly nauseous, but it's better when i get to snack throughout the day rather than just eat a few meals. i also can't eat a lot at one time.
i've been told twice in two days that i look like i am losing weight, i guess i might be- but i am trying not to! i'm not missing any meals & what i do eat is very healthy still (except for that nice warm chocolate chip cookie the hub made for me tonight) but i guess the suppressed appetite & all the sleep really might be taking a little weight off. i'm not very concerned- i do have a little extra, and i am sure that i will be gaining soon enough. as long as i can still keep meals down i'm fine!

so- i am around, i am reading blogs but not really commenting because by the time i get to one or two i am wiped out. in fact i am off to nap now- i'm sure the hub will be photographing me. again. creepy- but still kind of cute.

update: yes the hub did photograph me, but i heard the click & got pissed. screaming & yelling - 'what the hell do you think you're doing- this isn't fucking funny anymore' kind of stuff. i don't know if i just hit my limit of embarrassing photos or if it was a sleep groggy mood swing. either way- i had almost thought it was sweet before that he wanted to document the pregnancy- even if right now all that means is pictures of me sleeping. but it really did get creepy & old quick. i think 4 photos is more than enough to capture a few weeks worth of being exhausted.

t- 10 days

i got my appointment for the first peek at spring roll. august 18th... 6pm- so i won't be able to update until later that night or early next morning, but hopefully we get to see a nice strong heartbeat!
after that it's a month until my next appointment at 11 weeks where they will whip out the doppler.
i am definitely starting to feel pregnant now. my boobs are starting to get very very sore & sensitive. and i think they are already getting bigger. yikes!
i would definitely say i have started getting food aversions in the afternoon. protein makes me gag about halfway through eating it. i still try to get as much as i can so that i'm not deficient. (since i was so picky an eater for so long i try very hard to be really balanced & healthy now) i am trying to snack throughout the day, but the past few days at my job have been really tough as i've been out all day with coworkers & it gets hard to say- hey, we need to stop what we're doing now so i can munch on some fruit or get a yogurt. so i think that may be contributing a little.
other than that i still have the killer fatigue. which amuses the hub to no end. he has started a photo folder on his computer "jenn being pregnant". there are only two shots, both of me completely, utterly, gap mouthedely passed out on the couch. the truly funny thing is last night he showed me the folder & there was only one picture. i was determined not to give him another, but when i woke up from my stupor at 10:30 to clomp up to bed, he kindly opened his newly acquired photo. thanks honey... i'm sure these will be treasured by our child.

1 down

i had my first ob appointment today. no ultrasound- i need to schedule it with my primary doc's affiliated hospital because of my oh so great insurance. i also need to go to the devil (aka questmotherfuckers) to get my ob panel of bloodwork done. they weighed me (i think i am actually down about 10 pounds from the last time i was weighed i think it was february- so that's good) the number still surprised the nurse- she asked where i put it. thanks- i think... i always weigh more than i look like i do- i am pretty sure i have a very dense build. i am not really overweight- sure i have a little bit of flab & squishiness, but i am short & curvy. i don't lose weight very easily though since my diet & activity level are already pretty good (yes- could always be better!) i am a little nervous about gaining too much during pregnancy, but i have good self control for the excessive eating & bad splurges & just need to keep getting the fresh fruit & veggies & whole grains i already eat.
they also did the standard first visit stuff. blood pressure totally normal, family history, personal history. we chatted about the kidney & the fertility clinic. the nurse was a little surprised when i said that we had only done one treatment (believe me- she's not alone!)
the doc gave me a complete once over- she is very sweet & i like her a lot. lots of good info- although i knew most of it already. she did mention that she doesn't really see why i would have any increased risk fr an ectopic since my surgery was all laprascopic & really not near the abdomen. but she agreed with the better safe than sorry mindset! we both think that the clinic is being very cautious & i do have my script for the u/s. she recommended i schedule it for around 7 weeks so i could see a heartbeat. she did mention i might see one sometime next week, but if not i would have to go back. i feel pretty confident about the ectopic possibility so i am going to try to make the u/s appointment for sometime either the end of next week or the beginning of the next. i do want to see spring roll (& make sure there's not a combo platter in there!) but i will feel a lot more comfortable being able to see a heartbeat.
my next appointment with the ob is at 11 weeks. they normally do 4 weeks between appointments, but since i got in about 3 weeks earlier than they normally see patients i get to wait a little longer. it's only 2 weeks after my first scheduled appointment, so it's not too bad. plus i get to peek in soon so that will keep me going just fine!