i am completely in the dark on how i am feeling right now. there are so many emotions swirling around in here that no single one has taken over leaving me feeling overwhelmed & fuzzy.
the short (bulleted) version
-yesterday was the summer party for my old firm. i was invited so pumpkin & i went. mainly to see friends, but also to gauge if their offer to 'want to hire me back when they can' was sincere. all in all it was a really nice time. everyone seemed genuinely happy & excited to see us & pumpkin was of course a big hit! she was very well behaved & got her afternoon nap in the sling while i walked around. she was very good with meeting a ton of new people & lots of kids. my emotions were (and still are) so mixed now though. on the one hand- i am really enjoying being able to be home with her & watch & help her grow and learn. i love seeing the changes everyday & we have a great little routine. i would be so sad to miss our morning cuddle & talk time. and the look she gets when i make the bed/peekaboo with her as we get up.
on the other hand i miss working. i miss the activity & reward from doing my job well. i miss the people & the friendships. i know it's not a decision to be made right now, but i am in limbo. there's no other job out there for me. i can't take a crap job that pays less just to work, and since there's no other jobs at firms right now i'm definitely not looking to go anywhere else. i loved my firm & wouldn't move unless i could somehow find that down the street. which i am pretty sure does not exist. so i am just waiting. waiting to see what my future is. if i am not offered my job back- do i then reevaluate what my career (if any) is? a huge question that has been looming over me. i don't want to not have a career as i know that staying home with her is a temporary situation & i will eventually want to get the hell out of the house. but this first year... argh. i guess i am fortunate in that the decision is pretty much made for me for the time being.
-which brings me to the other reason i am in a funk. financial stress is getting to me. we can still pay our bills & eat & all, but i was stir crazy the other day & went to the mall (it was pouring outside) with pumpkin to get out of the house. i saw the cutest little vans & so wanted to buy them for her- impractical as that may be since a- she doesn't walk yet, and b- her chubby feet won't fit into shoes anyway! but alas- i can not afford it. and that really got to me. i know i shouldn't be spending money on stuff like that & even if i had the money i probably wouldn't buy them anyway. but knowing that i can't makes it so much more depressing than i expected. the hub has really been struggling to find a job & make this motorcycle thing work in the meantime. but it's just not paying. we are supposed to go visit his parents this week & i literally can not afford the gas & tolls. the hub has no money for it either & the deal was that i paid for our trip to see my family- he can pay for the one to see his. except neither of us can pay for anything right now. every dollar has been budgeted out for the next two months.
-i am pretty much guaranteed that my birthday (in a month & a half) will be a total bust. oh yeah- my 'you only turn 30 once, but won't have anything special just like you only celebrate your first mother's day once & didn't get a damn thing either' birthday. and material things aren't what matters to me. my sense of fairness is raging at the fact that i took 2 months to save & plan his 30th & gave him a perfect weekend away that he was completely surprised by. while i would like to think he is doing the same- i know it isn't true. and the fact that -yet again- i get the shaft kills me. just once i want to be the fucking special one & be treated as such. just once i want a big deal made over me. 364 days a year i can very happily be in the background or be the one making the big deal for someone else, but this one fucking day- i really want to be mine. without having to make suggestions or plans myself. because who wants that for their day?
i know i am whiny & bitchy right now. it's made even worse by the fact that my usual angel baby was replaced last night. she slept way too late in the day & when she finally went down it was almost 10. i was woken up at 1:20 & she wouldn't settle so i fed her & put her back down. she went back down beautifully (as she usually does) so i trotted back to bed for what i expected to be at least another 4 hours sleep. lo & behold at 1:45 i heard a cry. just one so no problem. off to sleep i go. at 2:07 she started to chatter & babble. and kept it up for at least 35 minutes. needless to say- when she got up again at 4:20 i was a zombie. she was unsatisfied with anything but the b00b though. thankfully i then finally did get my 4 straight hours of sleep. otherwise i would be much worse off today than i am. i am really hoping that this was all a fluke due to her schedule being so off yesterday. she has been averaged every 3rd night sleeping though- which means we aren't due again until monday night. if she decides that middle of the night is now her talkative time i will have to invest in some earplugs. cuz mommy & daddy are depressed enough without sleep deprivation right now. that just colors everything a little darker shade of grey.
thank god she wakes up happy & gives us the most amazing giggles & grins to lift us up a little.
oh- and if you happened to make it this far- check out the meme post below. i'm starting to get a complex that no one wants my handmade stuff, haha!
4 comments:
Ah, yes. Money, money, money. We had a small (but planned for) windfall last month, due to H's summer teaching. It was supposed to last the year, each month helping a little to ease the one-income thing. It has, instead, all been budgeted already for finishing other projects, and paying off the trip to Germany, and other annual bills (like homeowners insurance...). So. No ease in our budget for the near future.
All the same, if I feel this stressed with only one income, I can imagine how stressed you feel with your scenario. I feel for you, and I am hoping for your sake that you have just the right amount of time forcibly off before they call you up and bring you back to the office. I'm hoping that just as you start to feel like you really need some time away during the day, that they call you that very afternoon and hire you back.
I wish I could do your meme, but I sadly have nothing to pass on to others at the moment.
So sorry about your birthday! The only person who wished me happy mothers day this year was a bus driver. At least it was absurd enough to make me laugh. If your guy is not good at remembering to do the planning for the big day, could you leave him a list of suggestions (like him taking the baby all night or renting a fun movie, cooking for you, etc.) and let him plan a day around them?
(i read the meme, i just won't do it since I can't make anything in return!)
I'm sorry Jenn, I hate to say it, but I feel your pain on the 'wanting a god damned birthday' for yourself. Fuck, AND the financial strains.
I wish I had some pearls of wisdom, but right now, lets just paddle together in our uphill trip on the river to hell, shall we?
Doesn't winning the lottery sound like a great idea! It's not like you want much. Just to be comfortable and enjoy your time with your baby. Not too much to ask at all. Hang in there, and good luck with that increasingly mobile baby. She'll be into everything before you know it.
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