400

i have been thinking a lot about what to write for my 400th post. it seems insane that i would have had that much to say that i even hit 400 posts. i realize the majority of my posts lately are of a quick pumpkin update variety & not really thought provoking in the slightest. then again- i have never really been a 'thought-provoking' type of blog. but a lot is going on in this mixed up little head of mine right now. (and yes- i apparently have a smallish head. at least according to my sis & the hub- who in my opinion have freakishly large heads without looking like they have big heads at all, so their opinion doesn't hold much weight for me!)

anyway- i honestly can not imagine having a job right now. this is what has been screaming around my head lately. i am enjoying being home with the pumpkin very much. i love so many things about being home with her:

-being able to make her baby food for her to try & to know her schedule & see her developing daily.

-being able to nurse (almost) exclusively & not worry about bottles at all.

-that the more i get to know her & what she needs & wants- the better a baby she seems to be.

-the freedom from deadlines & not having to deal with traffic.

-being able to take a walk on a gorgeous day & clean my house & still have energy to go out.

-that the hub & i are here to enjoy & shape our daughter's days.

-not having to worry about finding child care & then worrying about the quality of said care as more & more horrendous stories have been on my local news on disgusting excuses for human beings that were entrusted with children's lives.

- sleeping "in" until 7 or 8 am.

-having the option to take a nap when pumpkin does, even if i almost never actually do it.

-getting a chance to explore my city more during the day when things are cheaper & less crowded.

-being able to shout out the back window that i need help from the hub & he can take a break & do it. without this i have no idea when i'd actually shower some days...



there are, however, many things about not working that i absolutely hate. such as:

-the financial strain & worry. while we aren't getting anything shut off or deciding between mortgage & food or anything- there are still many many things we just can't afford & many tough decisions i have to make. i hate that i have to budget a meal out- and i mean at a diner or a fast food place- no restaurants for us right now. a lot of my stress (well- most of it really) comes from money concerns & i hate that. i want to be able to get a babysitter & go out for a dinner & a movie with the hub. i want to be able to buy the completely frivolous vans i saw for the pumpkin despite the fact she doesn't need (or fit into!) shoes. i want a massage dammit! but more than that- i need to get my savings back & that needs to be 6 months worth. without 2 jobs & some cheap childcare i just don't know how we'll do it right now.

-not flexing my 'creative muscles'. i miss the feeling of doing my job. i really loved it. especially when i figured something out or put together a concept that went over well- that feeling is amazing & i miss it.

-not being at my job. i miss the people. i miss the environment. as much as i hate how i was laid off- i can understand it. i don't agree with it & i wish it had been done differently- but i can understand. and hearing what i do about the firm & the people still there i do believe that they do want to be able to hire me back- i just don't know when. i doubt they do either. but i do miss them.

-the uncertainty. the not knowing if i will go back period, much less having a timeline for it. there's a big ticking clock that is my unemployment & while i do continuously look for other jobs- the finding them is proving near impossible. i saw one on monday & before i could even get together my resume & some portfolio stuff (which i really do need to update again!) it was gone. that was wednesday! the pool of out of work designers in this city is huge & the number of jobs posted is pitifully small. in the past 3-ish months i have only even seen that 1 this week. i would feel better if the hub could finally find a job- but he needs to spend some moo-lah to get one as there's still a few things he was working towards getting when he was laid off that we just can't afford to get him now (certifications, licenses & such). without these his prospects are also slim to none for a decent job in his field. we are operating basically without any safety net here & it scares the everliving crap out of me.

-being on 24/7. i am always 'mommy'. the times when i am 'jenn' are few & far between. being on call all day every day is draining. as much as i love her- there are times when i just need a break to be me. usually i am able to just let her have some daddy time & walk away for a minute, but i am finding it tough. i haven't gone out without her. i haven't just hung out with friends sans bebe. i miss that. as much as i enjoy & cherish that i can spend my days with this precious babe, i need some time to unwind & just be myself. i get it a little on the days i volunteer for my acupuncturist, but it would be nice to go out just for me.


the more i have time to reflect, the more i am aware how motherhood & recent events have changed me. i feel both more secure in who i am and more unstable in the world around me. i am confident that we can weather the rocky times, but fearful of what else is brewing. i am more in love with the hub, yet find myself wondering if we ever really will be intimate again. (short story- pushing from -1 station really sucks for your future love life). i love being a sahm, but i wonder if that's only because i know it's a temporary situation. would i be as thrilled if this was my entire future? would i miss the me that includes working & creating? or would i eventually find another way to satisfy that side? there were so many decisions swirling around in my mind earlier due to possible developments at more (former) job. since i am so very type a with the planning of things i was obsessing over all possible outcomes & decisions to be made. and i freaked out. i don't feel ready to make these decisions & it appears that the life around me is making it for me. all decisions are pretty moot at this point as i couldn't work (in my field) if i wanted to. and i do want to- i think... just not this second. maybe. obviously once the decision needs to be made it will prove a tough one for me!

*updated- i just wanted to add that nancy's comment had a really good point- the things i am loving about being a sahm (even if it is only temporarily) are still very possible to have as a working mom. i am just working through what had me freaking out at the mere thought of a possibility of going back to work. and while some things -napping & not worrying about pumping- would go away, i would certainly work with what i have to make sure we all get exactly what we need. it's just that the more time goes on, the more i am questioning what that is for me... no decisions being made, just a couple questions being asked.
i also just wanted to make sure i was very clear that this is in no way a debate on being a sahm vs working, i am really just trying to work out my own thoughts in my particular situation. everyone has to do what's best for them & i definitely don't mean to offend either side by being pro-anything! (not that i think i offended, just wanted to make it super clear, especially in light of certain recent posts i have seen about clarity in blog writing)