catharsis

i spent a few hours yesterday surfing around other blogs. i have done this superficially previously- randomly clicking on links from comments, but yesterday was different. i was immersed, i dove in & only came up for air after three good crys and numerous belly laughs. i know that 90% of the women (and a few men) that i found have no idea i exist, let alone how much their words & experiences mean to me, but i just want to take a moment to say thank you. thank you for making my problems seem smaller & easier to handle while at the same time letting me know that i am not crazy or wrong for my thoughts & feelings. thank you for saying things that sound like they have come straight from my head. thank you for sharing your heartache & experience. thank you for making whatever i am to face in this future of ttc that much easier to bear.

i have updated my page a little to include the thread of infertility. The story behind it is here: common thread. i do not yet know if i am to be included in the 'infertiles' category- it is something i will find out one way or the other in the next few months, but the thread has touched me & i think that it is a beautiful & wonderful thing to share. so although i hope more than anything not to be a member of this strong & beautiful group- i am thankful for everything i have read & gotten from them.

one of the hardest things about having a problem conceiving your child is the loneliness you feel. i am blessed to have a wonderful group - my ladies- who understand even better than i do how i feel and what i am going through. i have to say giant thank yous to all of them. i know that they will be there for me no matter what happens with their knowledge & love. i hope my ladies get what we all hope & dream for- they have hurt far worse than i will ever know & no one deserves a beautiful baby bump more.
i am also very lucky to be able to have my sister & a great friend who are there for me every day & offer unconditional support. I have never heard them say 'just relax'. thank you for that & so much more. i would not be the same without you there for me.

it is hard to go through everyday & hear- 'so when are you guys going to have kids' from random people like the neighbors. all i want to do is scream back 'whenever my stubborn eggs & his slow swimmers decide to stop fucking around & get together'. but i still bite my tongue. i still either ignore the question as rude, or come back with the standard 'when it's time' nonsense. so to have this common thread- a physical sign that no one is alone in this, is a beautiful wonderful thing to me. i may never get up the nerve to tell my story to my neighbors face, but i will wear the thread & hope that if i am to be included under the label of infertility- someone else will know that they are not alone either.