the theme of this past year (almost 2!) has been waiting. last march tom & i started having the kids conversations. i was pretty ready- he was a little behind me. then wham- rush to hospital in the worst pain i have ever experienced. found out about my congenital defect of the kidney that over 26 years had shut the entire organ down completely. this began the waiting to get healthy period. tests, doctors visits, a stent, and finally a surgery to remove it. then wait to recover & get back to normal life. in between march & august the desire to start a family became very strong. i realized just how short life really can be- anything can happen at any time. waiting any longer just made no sense. but i had to. wait until my body gets back to normal. we didn't wait all that long- only 3 months. so i am sure that's at least part of the reason i haven't gotten pregnant in almost a year. but i've been waiting for 18 months.
now that we are able to really try- i am still waiting. wait for ovulation, wait for af, wait for signs that never come - or mean nothing when they do. wait for my husband to finally come through on his promise from august to get tested. (more on that later) wait for my doctor visit to start testing. wait for a couple more months to make sure i am really being fair.
beyond that though- i feel like i have been waiting for a lot of things. i am waiting to see a difference at my job- to finally hear my boss say my name as that example of the best____ in the office. i hear a lot of that- x is the person to go to for finishes, y is who you see about space planning, z is a whiz on the computer. what the hell am i? maybe nothing. but i'm still waiting to hear it. i am waiting to hear that my sister is getting better instead of worse. i am waiting for my husband's shop to take off & supprt us- at least enough so we can have 2 salaries & maybe save up a little.
so- back to the dear hubby- he swore up & down that he would go & get tested because he couldn't bear to see me hurt every month & not do something about it. bullshit. he is now either to busy to even find a doctor- or he claims it's too expensive! how the hell does he know how expensive it is without even calling a doc??!! if anyone has some ballpark numbers for a s/a- please let me know so i can convince him that he has no excuses anymore.
i am especially concerned after the conversation i had with my mother-in-law last night. she told me that he had surgery to fix a hernia at 2 months old (and it was definitely the kind that can affect fertility). so now i have to obsessively google this, which brings up some different statistics ranging from really scary to mildly concerning. but he really just needs to get checked out. i have been thinking for so long that i am the problem. the reason we haven't gotten pregnant, whether it's due to my surgery and not being fully recovered or some other reason we don't know yet. but it could be him. it could be both. so now i get to wait to find out.
and to make matters worse- target was out of opk's except for the digitals & i refuse to spend $30 for 7 sticks when I can get 20 for $20. so i have to go to another store to find them. but my temperature jumped up this morning looking suspiciously like a spike. if i didn't know better i would say that i O'ed, but i highly doubt it- it would have put O at day 13 & that would be not only insanely early for me, but horrible timing since we have been way too tired for sex lately, it's been about 5 days. so now i have to go out & get some OPK's and make sure that i haven't missed it. if i have i will be stunned & so pissed. this is supposed to be our big hurrah- a few great efforts & perfect timing before we start the next phase of ttc. a last ditch effort basically. it would figure that my body would rebel against that...
1 comment:
You know, ~your~ doctor can order the test. When I first had my own husband tested while ttc #1, he never saw a doctor. My doc ordered the test and gave me the sample cup. I had him deliver his sample and I took it in. I paid for it out of pocket and it wasn't that much. Maybe $100-200 at the very most.
Now, my husband actually went to see my RE and had more extensive testing so it went through his insurance this time, which was better. But I wanted to make the point that it didn't start out as this. I had to do everything surrounding the test. Ask your doc - I bet you that your hubby doesn't even need to see a doctor.
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