on to #11. it seemed like this last cycle i saw more pregnancy & newborns than i have in a long time. i remember noticing them more when we first started trying, but it was so much more hopeful. much more of a - that will be me soon- kind of feeling. now it is much more of a desperate feeling. i hate seeing them. i got an e-mail yesterday from my cousin that i haven't actually spoken to in over a year. i get random mass fowards & the occasional update on her 10 year old daughter, but yesterday's was the worst. "Introducing" her brand new baby daughter- complete with adorable picture. i had to delete it immediately. this woman can not even really properly care for her older child, she is being kicked out of her apartment & can't afford to pay rent. her boyfriend has no job & her daughter felt like she wasn't wanted because of the new baby. what is fair about this? why does she get this wonderful gift? why not me?
i am having these horrible thoughts about why i can't seem to get pregnant when it's all around me. i am wracking my brain as to what i have done to deserve, or not deserve, this. while my rational side knows that there is no reason, there is nothing i did or didn't do that has or will have any affect on whether i can get pregnant or not, my emotional side is conviced that the universe is punishing me for something. i am being told that i shouldn't be a mother. it's horrible to have to fight yourself like this. to keep from slipping into a pitiful depressed state of mind. because it is far too easy to do. as much as i hate hope, i also miss it. at least then i could still think i will be a mother, i will get pregnant. i will be the one to hear the heartbeat & know what it is like to create a life.
of course, i do have a shitload of hormones running around at the moment. they could be influencing these thoughts as well, you think? next week will be better. it always is. after this week i can start to look forward again. to the next round of temping & opk's. to another chance for hope. but today is about a good wallow in self-pity. making popcron & watching sappy movies that have nothing to do with my real life at the moment. pretty woman is on. perfect!
1 comment:
Today, my heart cried for the both of us... Thank you so much for being my friend and for your kind words. Its the only thing that gets me through this. ~*Hugs*~ for you too.
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