blushing

i have been a little quiet this past week- i know. even for quiet ole me- i've been quiet. still reading, still here, but we've all had colds & pumpkin has turned into a cranktastic mess starting at 6:30 pm & continuing until she decides it's bedtime sometime between 8 & 8:30. she is distracted for moments by various things- floor time with her awesome leapfrog toy, floor time chasing daddy's toes, floor time literally chomping on the metal bars of the coffee table (hey- who am i to deny her- it's clean!), time in her walker, a frozen peach, a gel toy, dinner, nursing, diaper change. all these things must be rotated every 15-20 minutes and it is exhausting. i have tried no nap in the afternoon. i have tried late nap in the afternoon. i think her teeth just ache by the end of the day & she is tired of it. add to that a dwindling head cold (the vaporizer has been running almost constantly & did seem to shorten her misery a bit compared to ours) and my normally happy babbling little babers is a whiny mess. which means that very tired mommy- who is also sick- is on constant demand because while daddy tries to step in (and really has stepped up a lot) she wants none of it. long story to say i am run the fuck down. so much that the hub has been worried about me & after doing a little work yesterday morning he took us to the park for some relaxing lunch by the water. it was really nice- if a bit windy- and just what i needed to recharge a little.



all this is down the street...

when i opened my reader this morning imagine my delight when i noticed i was nominated for this award by not one- but two people! it's like you knew i needed a little pick me up! so thank you to the awesome nancy (who if you don't know by now i am actually going to get to visit in real life people!!!!) AND by rocket.queen with her little adorable quin all the way from china

rules:

1- thank the person who nominated you for this award

2- copy the logo and place it on your blog

3- link to the person who nominated you for this award

4- name 7 things about yourself that people may not know

5- nominate 7 kreativ bloggers

6-post links to the 7 blogs you nominate

7- leave a comment on each

i think finding 7 things i haven't already shared is going to be tough! here goes my best shot- i am far too lazy to look back & see if i am repeating things!

1- i am uber strange when it comes to food. textures & strong spices trigger some weird response in me to just not like something. if i can get over it & try it- i actually find that i like a lot of different foods, but getting over it & just trying a bite of food is one of the most challenging things i can do. i do blame my parents on this one as i apparently loved all kinds of food before i was 18 months old & they let my pickiness go. can you believe i first tried mac-n-cheese on my 18th birthday? yup. i was scared to try that! and tomatoes freak me out, but i love tomato sauce & pizza- even tomato pie (the northeast version which is basically a thick crust sicilian pizza with no cheese, just sauce.)

2-i am addicted to reality tv shows that showcase a talent in some way- think pr.oject run.way, top ch.ef, hel.l's kit.chen (pretty much anything gordon's in is good in my book- right nancy?!). i even got into the one about the hairstylists! but i can't stand the inte.rior design one mainly because i don't see a lot of what i do in it. it's more about buying furniture & decorating a room than actually designing the space & that annoys me.

3-i can spend hours in malls just to kill time & not buy a single thing. growing up that's what the women in my family did for bonding, but due to my parent's inclination to hoarding- i debate purchases to death & usually end up deciding i don't need something as i really really don't want to end up like them in a house filled with shit i don't need & never use.

4- i love to cut & color my hair. i do it all myself & i have a regular bunch of 'customers' that i will cut their hair too. in fact- my original customer- a good college friend- 'cheated' on me & got her hair cut at a great little salon. when she went in the stylist/owner asked her where she got her hair cut before that one. when she said her interior designer friend did it- the owner told her that i could have a job there any day. i am actually tempted at the moment, but i think with no training at all it may be a little harder than just that! (i am however- thinking very hard about going red...)

5- i love to crotchet & would really like to learn how to knit since you are pretty limited in crotchet to what you can make (at least with the 1 stitch i know how to do!) but i can't understand the instructions at all. it literally looks like another language & my brain hurts when i see it. so i am stuck making hats, scarves, blankets & the occasional little sweater or shirt type thing that i make up how to do it myself. but my favorite part is shopping for the yarn- i can spend hours in the aisle just picking out a couple skeins.

6- i never missed a day of school until my junior year of high school. i was the dork that was called up at assemblies for the perfect attendance award every year. then by my senior year i was dating the hub & had friends who were little hoodlums (bringing liquor into school in thermos bottles, smoking everything in the bathrooms, ditching classes to watch cartoons & get stoned, piercing body parts in the bathrooms, etc) and i made friends with the security guards who i saw out & about at parties with the hubs friends since it was a very small town & they were only a few years older than the hub who's a few years older than me. i got out of a lot of classes with simply a cherry slushy & a jedi 'you see nothing' wave. of course- my gpa dropped me down from high a to low b/c...

7- which leads me to- i flunked out of a semester of community college. i was going to be an actress & things weren't working out with that, or my crappy roommate who i lived with in her dad's house. she did lots of drugs (which i knew about some- but not the coke habit that made her steal my rent money from her dad which i stupidly left as cash in a cupboard) and had lots of guys over all the time. i kept myself separate as i could from that, but being young & easily influenced i did drink & smoke a lot. i was also working pretty much full time & going to classes- well, the going to classes part kind of dropped off- hence the flunking. i wisely decided to move out after finding out i had failed everything & took a semester off. i lived with the hub (for the first time) and the night i left the roommate told me how she was pretty in to me & always wanted to ask me out after i broke up with loser before the hub & before i met the hub. i was slightly flattered (it's always nice to know someone thinks you're hot!) but mainly creeped out after she slashed the hub's tires & tried to frame him for a break in at the house we had lived at together. it was a weird & crazy time, but it helped me to realize i wanted something different & better in my life and forced me to focus. i came down here to go to a great school for interior design & regained my dork status by being on the dean's list every semester. i was actually pissed i didn't get the 'highest gpa' award at graduation as i was off by.01 point & the girl who got it was the biggest kiss-ass.

i guess that last one was really a whole bunch of stuff shoved into one- if there was room for a #8 it would be that i tend to go off on tangents a lot, but i think that's already pretty evident!

i would like to nominate:

merlot

kate

rachel

intricatelycomplex

jewels (even though i know she's been tagged already!)

jen

umm- anyone else who happens to read this & wants to share. just let me know if you do it because i'd love to learn more!

award time

i was nominated for an award by nic. i'm constantly surprised when i see my name pop up on the nominees for these- i always think of my blog as just my ramblings & the crap that runs through my mind. certainly nothing of great interest- especially right now!

the award is:



i have to choose 8 blogs: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"


i nominate:

m - who lives in my fair city & always has great advice for me! (plus hooked me up with my acupuncturist who i credit with helping get us here in the first place!)

kate - who always has clever posts & is so supportive! even when she is feeling down from life in general & losing her ability to run (temporarily) which she absolutely loves

kym - who i blog stalk far too often without leaving a comment, which i am guilty of a lot! she always elicits a response from me- either laughter, tears, or a shaking of the head at her wisdom wrapped in great writing.

merlot - who has had a crap time of it -especially lately- but who always bounces back & sees the good in her life. i hope her path is ending at the pot of gold soon!

jewels - who is sunshine. always with a supportive & kind comment. she deserves to relax in her happiness!

nancy - because she rocks & we are twin souls- especially with our choices of television (gordon ramsey on top gear?!)

io - who i have missed during her hiatus & i am glad she is back to blogging.

is that 8? if you have read me over here & left a kind comment- consider yourself #8.

i am enjoying a snow day today. i have a little work from home i will do this afternoon. but last night i felt what i could only describe as menstrual cramps. 2-3 of them. i changed positions, drank some water, freaked out a little bit & worried about it, but didn't call the doc. i'm actually glad i didn't because once i got upstairs & passed gas i felt completely better. how embarrassing would that have been!

the hands still hurt- they fall asleep very easily & my feet have definitely gotten bigger. they aren't swollen- just bigger. i couldn't fit into any boots this morning to walk the dogs. i must have looked a sight because i wore my yoga pants (weekend uniform these days if i don't leave the house) tucked into the hub''s paratrooper boots along with his parka with the big furry hood pulled up. hot- i know. don't be jealous!

other than that everything's going great. interviewed the pediatrician on friday & i really liked them. they have privileges at my hospital & i felt very comfortable with all his answers. plus he volunteered a lot of info i didn't ask about that was great. they are very pro-breastfeeding & not quick to prescribe medication unless necessary. which all goes with our philosophy too.

caiden's been pretty active lately- i swear i can almost see actual feet as she moves them across my belly! i do light circles on the belly & she always responds by moving around about 5 seconds after i stop. it's so cool! although i have been saying that i can't wait to meet her- after last night's 'scare' i certainly can. i don't mind if she wants to come a few days early- the hub also thinks she'll be 2-3 days early- but she can stay in & cook as long as she wants! my doctors appointment is wednesday & they'll do the gbs test. i have to remember to ask how she's presenting & i am actually a little tiny (teeny tiny nancy- not much!) nervous about my weight gain these past 2 weeks. according to my scale i jumped up about 3-4 pounds, but 2 pounds of that was yesterday to today. i am going to remember to drink a ton of water since i am always worse with that when home than at work & see what tomorrow says. since my bp was high last visit - mostly due to being late & running to get to the appointment- i just don't want to have any reason for anything negative to be said. my docs are very strict on weight gain as it is. i completely understand that even if i did somehow gain 4 pounds in 2 weeks i am still overall well within the normal range. i'm only up a max of 26 pounds at 35w2d. i think that's pretty damn good & they should remember that! of course- my shower was last weekend with that super decadent cake that i completely pigged out on. i wouldn't be surprised if my weight was up just due to that! i'll take it though- that cake was so worth it! (and the cookies, the tomato pie, the ziti... yum!!)

wow. that was quick

no sooner had i put my general anxiousness out into the universe than the hub started at his new job. he went in on saturday for a test day to work on a problem car they had, fixed it good as new & they retained him to start full time today! it's a small extremely local shop that has a great atmosphere & pays a salary. and this salary is only $150 a month off from what we need to cover our budget for spring roll when she goes to daycare. and he has at least 6 months to work there & get his certifications & hopefully get a raise. which is all completely feasible.

oh- and we can take my car off the road for the next 6 months because he is maybe a mile away from the new job & can ride his bike even in the coldest weather or he will take a bus. or i can drop him off on my way to work if necessary & he can work on all the little (and not so little!) things my car needs over the winter at his new shop & we can save the extra $$$ we were putting into insuring 2 cars. so some debt can actually get paid off. we have been a 1 car household before & it is really not that hard to adjust to!

holy crap- you guys work fast! i just need him to stay there & make good impressions & get a raise in a few months. it doesn't need to be a big raise, but $100 a week would really put us over into able to sleep really well at night! (once we have daycare to cover that is). or if we bust our asses we can get at least one thing cleared off our finanical plate by april. which could be that $150 a month. which would be even better!

we actually went out to breakfast yesterday to celebrate, and some fun sexy time was attempted (but that's a whole 'nother post in itself)



i will leave you with a very happy 20 week belly pic where i am officially up 3.5 pounds in this pregnancy (finally!) - please forgive the horribly messy dresser...:

another big day

today is an important day for two reasons. one being that it is national pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day. while i have been fortunate enough to not have suffered to remember on this day- i know many who have. please say a little prayer for all of those whose lives have been forever changed by their losses.

-today also just so happens to be my 29th birthday. i can remember when we first started trying thinking that i wouldn't be a mom before 30 & being so dejected about that thought. here i will be 6 months shy & i couldn't care less. today is the greatest birthday i can remember. i felt my baby move for my birthday- how fucking cool is that?!

i also found out that my old manager is also pregnant! she's about 5 weeks behind me, so while our leaves will overlap & definitely create an issue for the office to juggle- at least it's not all at once... i am excited to have someone so close to go through this with. i'm pretty much the first of my friends to start a family & the only one in this area.

short one today- a lot is going on, but i need to get me some birthday lovin!

Tagged- 5 ways blogging has affected me

i was tagged by trace:

the rules:
1. Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.
2. link back to the person who tagged you
3. link back to this parent post (the link wasn't there though- so this one's out!)
4. tag a few friends or five, or none at all
5. post these rules— or just have fun breaking them


five ways blogging has affected me:

1. i feel much happier in my day to day life- especially during the year+ of trying & blogging about it. it offers me a release that i used to get by writing in journals or bad poetry. only i don't have the bad poetry evidence left behind anymore!

2. i have met some amazing women going through many different aspects of IF. i can sympathize with their pain & be inspired by their strength.

3. i have incredibly guilty feelings when i am a bad blogger & don't post that often. even though i know i don't have a huge following or anything - i still feel obligated to post more, but just can't seem to find the time & energy to fit it in lately.

4. i have been able to document my journey which was the goal when i first started. i can look back & see exactly where spring roll started & how hard it got to be & how easy i had it. it's a great way to keep the memories & feelings alive.

5. i honestly can't think of five right now...

as far as tagging anyone- if you want to do it- do it!


i will follow up later with a post about 12 weeks, a belly pic, & some random thoughts- but now i really need to get dressed & walk the dogs (lazy saturday for me!) and then clean up a little...

i just noticed

my last post- the best post!- was number 222. That's my mom's absolute favorite number, hmm.

i of course poas this morning to see that little plus sign again- it's still there, visible now from the first 30 seconds. i will pee on my last test tomorrow & then decide whether to get more (probably not) or just wait until i enter beta world. i had blood drawn yesterday, but my insurance sucks for some things & it needs to be sent out- which means i hear my first # the day i get my 2nd draw on monday. and i hear how they rise by wednesday, maybe? it's slightly nerve-wracking, and very strange. i dreamt last night that yesterday's number was 39, and that for some reason the test i peed on gave me a number today of 31. which of course had me freaked out & i woke up so nervous about seeing the line at all! what a relief- even if it's just a small one- to see the second line sooner & darker this morning than yesterday. I know pregnancy can be one giant freak out- and i am feeling it already!
the hub is being very cute- not letting me drive (aaarrggh), not letting me close the hatch of the subaru as we do our errand shopping today. oh- also very cute is the fact that he refuses to have sex because he doesn't want to jostle anything out of place! ridiculous! (this entire paragraph is all sarcasm, by the way)
i am a little touched by how sweet he is being to me, all machismo aside- he hasn't even really made fun of me for completely passing out 2 nights in a row before 9 pm on the couch. he does feel a little better too about seeing the darker line today. i am just hoping to make it through to the betas & see them rising well.
i am wondering when i will stop feeling like i have to check for blood every time i go to the bathroom. it is very surreal & such a strange feeling. other than my fatigue & random very light cramps i have no symptoms. no sore boobs, no nauseau, i feel full faster or don't feel like eating as much- especially for dinner, but i think that's more because of the exhaustion. the lack of boob soreness was really the clue for me that this may have worked- i always have incredibly sore boobs starting at least 3 days before i get af. i realized on thursday that they didn't hurt a bit & that was so unusual that it got me all hopped on hope. i can't believe she didn't sucker punch me this time. i was so prepared to be crying & self-medicating with delicious organic beer this weekend. it's just surreal to not be there- i can't seem to wrap my head completely around the fact that i am in fact pregnant! i have a due date too- well, one based on my iui anyway- april 4, 2009. an aries. i am debating putting a widget on the blog- they are slightly creepy, but i kind of like it anyway. maybe after the betas.

oh- one last thing, i know there's many ways to handle a blog that goes from IF to pregnancy & i just wanted to say that i will most likely not be posting any warnings or 'pregnancy mentioned' type posts. i completely understand if someone can't stop by or comment or stops reading altogether. i will be a little sad, but i get it. there are many blogs that i just could not continue to comment on or read once they got the bfp. and i really really do get it, but i am blogging more for my own personal record of this journey & will continue to post in my usual brain purging manner ;o) i hope my small group of readers continues to come by & share in this new terrifying & exciting part of the journey- but i really do understand if you don't/can't.
that said- thank you again for all the wonderful support & comments- especially these last few months (& this past one in particular!) i really am so blessed to have seen today & no matter what the future holds this miracle has made me so grateful, so happy, so surreally peaceful. thank you for helping to prop me up when i needed it & cheering for me when it all went so beautifully!

catching up- i'm tagged

it's been so long since i was tagged for things & now i've got 2 in one week. (of course it's the week that i couldn't even sit down t read blogs until thursday, but no one's counting- right?)

trace has tagged me for a meme:

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.My six word memoir:

waiting for real life to begin...

this sounds much worse than i mean it- that's the problem with 6 words. i need more. i can talk (or write) profusely. i actually pondered becoming a writer in high school, i mainly wrote short stories & poems. but i digress- i think that my memoir at this moment in time would have to deal with what i have not been doing more than what i have. much of the past few years has been about waiting. waiting to get engaged, waiting to get our house, get married, get my career on track, get the kidney out & recover, waiting to get pregnant, waiting to find out why we can't get pregnant, waiting to start aggressively trying to have others help me get pregnant. if i had to write a memoir of the past 4 years or so, there wouldn't be a whole heck of a lot there. i want my 6 word memoir to be:

i lived in those amazing photos.

i love photography & i would love to be able to travel around the country & world & capture it all on film. to that end i am trying to take steps to make my life the one i want to look back on without regret. no matter what comes, i should be happy with the choices i make. and i am, but i do wish that i had done a little less waiting for life to happen & a little more of the making it happen. that's why i am getting my license & hopefully a bike. that's also why starting tomorrow i am going to attempt to take (and post) a photo a day of something beautiful. and maybe someday these photos will be a memory book of my life for my child. or maybe not- but that's not a reason to not have them.


okay- so now that i have essentially done this twice (and done it wrong by explaining everything when it was supposed to be SIX words!) i have to tag 5 people- kat, m, tammy, nancy, jen & lilah. and anyone that sees this & wants to do it- consider yourself tagged!

Pink Roses are so pretty!

i was given a pink rose award from m. actually- i am blushing because she gave me three...

i am so touched by her kind words & i have to say that my happier attitude is thanks in no small part to her passing on this touching award.

it has taken me a little while to get to posting- i've been so busy, but there are 3 ladies that i would like to pass this award onto.

first off is io who has had a really really crappy year so far- the shit that she has gone through makes my heart cry, but the fact that she has her amazing wit & sense of humor intact are wonderfully inspiring to me. she is strong & smart & definitely deserves this award.

my second award goes to jewels who is having a hard time with hope. she's such a bright spirit & she always has a unique & beautiful outlook on things. she inspires me to be more open to new things & new ways of looking at the world.

my last rose goes to trace. she is gearing up to start her first ivf & has been facing some fears & concerns. she is so vibrant & has also been through so much, but her warmth & the love that she shares with her sweetness are very inspiring. she makes me think about how important it is to hold on to your relationships.

these ladies have made me feel better on occasions when i thought i'd be in a funk for weeks. i'd like to say thank you to them- & to everyone who has such wonderful things to post here & has been so supportive while i whine & bitch. you all deserve pink roses... (although personally- my favorite flower is a gerbera daisy in hot pink. just sayin!)

Here’s what to do:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

wow

kate less than 3's me! while i have absolutely no idea what this means- i am thrilled!

seriously- what is <3?>
anyway- i less than 3 nancy because she has always shared her wealth of knowledge, her caring, and her honest perfect wit. she's also the one who inspired me to start blogging. even though she has been going through so much lately she still supports so many.





i actually <3 everyone who reads & comments here. it makes me so happy to see the 'comments need moderation' e-mails. cheesy, but true!
i don't less than 3 blogger because i've had to write this post 17 times since it keeps fucking up my formatting & i can't get the damn image on here. fucking lame.

small wonders

internet is back. apparently it was just some stupid minor easily fixed problem. so there's that.

still no word on the state of all other affairs. i can only hope that they are all so easily resolved but i doubt i am that lucky.

to clarify a little- i have no clue if the shop really will close & i have no idea when we will be able to afford any sort of treatment, but since my insurance does cover all initial testing i am moving forward with choosing an RE & making the appointment. even if i can't really do anything for months- i will spend that time trying to find out if there even is a problem. and if there isn't- well, we'll just have to see about that later. even though my obsessive planning for every contigency will be foiled- it's not the end of the world. i'll just have to learn to let what happens happen. *yikes- i don't even like how that looks written out!

so- new plan for 2008:
1. hubby gets new job with great insurance (or equally as good if not better- the shop miraculously does amazing & actually provides us with a stable income)
2. while this process goes on i get all my initial testing out of the way so that when the 'miracle' (i.e. we actually conceive naturally) pregnancy doesn't happen we are at least ready to hit the ground running whenever that may be.
3. still keep up the healthy eating (5 days of oatmeal down- only 26 more to go right now & yes plain oatmeal is horrid!) and improve on the already pretty healthy lifestyle- who couldn't use less sweets & time on their ass.
4. still be more appreciative of all i do have & all the wonderful people in my life already.

i haven't even had a chance to check out more than 25 or so of the posts on the creme de la creme, but i hope that my sunday can be nice & relaxing with some cocoa & tissues.

I've been tagged

my friend nancy has tagged me for 7 random things. since i was so busy this weekend i am just getting to them now!

1. i love popcorn. it doesn't matter what kind- kettle corn, plain, butter.. but my favorite is homemade fresh popped with a smidgen of butter & a ton of fresh parmesan & herbs. it is to die for!

2. my husband is a former rock star- not really about me, except for the fact that i was his biggest groupie by default. i actually broke up with him while he was in carson city on tour...

3. i love being smart. i love learning things, but i equally (or maybe more) love knowing things. conversely i hate, hate, hate being wrong. not because i want to be right all the time, but because i feel like i have let someone down when i am wrong.

4. i used to be a gymnast. i stopped before the competition level started because i didn't like the pressure. at 12 i thought it was too much. plus- although i am short & strong, i am far too naturally curvy to really have made it. i was pretty darn good at the uneven bars though...

5. after almost 15 years (yikes!) of dying my hair i have stopped & i am now seeing many random grays pop up. and i will let them go because i want to be okay with it. even though i always had this notion that gray hair started with your first kid- due to my mom's antecdotes. plus i think i will look hot with a gray streak because of my baby face. i really do need to shut up about seeing a new gray hair every other day though.

6. i miss my sister terribly every day that we don't talk. i wish that she could live closer because every time we hang out all the crap in life just doesn't matter. but i do hope she gains some weight & starts getting better soon.

7. i go for my annual pap tomorrow & more importantly to start the IF testing process. i am desperately wishing that they do a pregnancy test & tell me that i don't need any testing because i'm already pregnant with a christmas miracle. but i am realistic & am trying to just hope to get some answers & a fresh new hope for the new year. oh- and my period for christmas... yay.


I don't really know who i could tag that hasn't already done this. if you are reading this & haven't yet- consider this your tag!


and i really am hoping that they give me a test tomorrow even though i think i am probably only going to be 10dpo. i am too chicken to test that early myself & didn't do any tracking this month at all. this has helped a lot woth the symptoms & anxiety- but i don't really know when i will be late. we are going to the in-laws on saturday & i guess if i haven't gotten my period by then i will test before we go. i only have one test left & really don't want to buy another at the in-laws house.

8 random things

as i have been prompted by farah to tell you 8 random facts about me, here goes:

1. i can move my eyes independently of each other. it's totally useless as you really don't see much different than being cross-eyed, but it does freak people out at parties.

2. i am a giant dork. my dorkiness goes far beyond killing at jeopardy (which i totally do) to the realm of getting awards for good attendance during school. i am proud that i am intelligent & dedicated. i take it in stride that that includes a penchant for being prompt, for knowing an obscure answer when no one else even cares about the question. i'm proud that i got awards for best foreign language student in college (for japanese no less).

3. i only have one kidney. some may know some may not. it was taken last august after almost developing septicemia (sp) from a congenital defect that was missed for 26 years. i worry that if (when) i do get pregnant that my child will have this same defect. fortunately for him-her, it is now diagnosed in the womb via ultrasound and can be corrected as soon as 6 months old. i still wouldn't want to have to see my child go through surgery.

4. my husband & i are high school sweethearts. we dated for a month when i was 14. yup-14. we broke up & it broke my heart. when we got back together i knew it was for good. we broke up 4 years later, but we found each other yet again in 7 months. we've been together ever since. we were engaged on our 8 year anniversary & married for almost 3. that's 11 years total being together. in just 5 more years we will have been together for over half my life. oh- and he's the only man i have ever slept with. ever.

5. my hair has been every shade of the rainbow except for platinum, blue or black. i've had green, orange, purple , red, and even hot pink the first half of my senior year of college- that was my favorite & i rocked it good! i miss having the freedom to do that, but now that my hair is back to natural & healthy i am going to leave it. even though i am seeing more grays every day. i'm just going to let it go.

6. obsessive compulsive or anxiety disorders may run in my family. my dad definitely has some sort of compulsion to save everything, my sister's sleep disorder is most likely in the anxiety disorder family, and i have to separate my m&m's, or other such multi-colored candy that comes in packages, by color & eat them in a specific order. not quite a diagnosis, but a little weird. i also get very anxious in certain situations- confrontation, discipline, or being in a thrift store on the wrong day. i'm sure that if i went to see a psychiatrist i could easily get a prescription.

7. i don't believe in medicine. not in the science is evil & medicine is not needed, prayer, vitamin's & cold showers can cure you scientol.ogy definition. but i don't like to take antibiotics if i just have a cold, i suffer through a headache rather than take aspirin, a sore throat has to be pretty bad to take some nyqui.l. i will take something on the first day of af if the cramps are bad, but that's really it. i don't get sick too often, especially now that i don't smoke anymore. i used to get bronchitis every year, but since i quit (2 years next months) nothing. i just don't like to take medication unless i really know what it's doing.

8. in case it hasn't become blatantly obvious- i am an over planner. i like to plan everything. when tom & i decided to start trying to have kids it was 2 weeks before thanksgiving. by the drive back from turkey day with the fam, we had names picked out. over the course of a year the girl's name has changed a little, but the boy's stays the same. i know what the nursery might look like- the bedding i want, the colors since i think we might not be finding out what we're having (but i might be too much of an over planner NOT to know!) i knew what my wedding would be like about a month after i got asked. i love to plan. i love to think through what could be before it even happens. but i hate having to wait for what i've planned to happen. it can get dissapointing to have thought about something in such detail for so long & it's still not there yet. but i'm sure you all already know this.


well- there are 8 random things about me. this definitely did keep me occupied for a bit.

2nd happiness challenge

week one: i'm trying to nail down a consistent time. afternoon's are a whirl of coming home, getting dinner, catching up with tom & the pups. early mornings are too rushed since i love my sleep- getting up early is not easy! finally decide on sometime between 7:30 & 8pm. tom ironically brings up the fact that i 'need to relax' (don't worry- i let him have it for that one)the rest of this week is pretty much a bust as far as a set 10 minutes of meditation. but i have been more relaxed (ha ha). i've been taking moments for myself whenever i can. i am letting my thoughts go instead of allowing them to run around in my head. a night out on the trike with tom did wonders for me. nothing to think of except for holding on tight & the wind on my face. i'm going to try to keep up at least with letting go (how funny does that sound!) hopefully getting back into my 10 minute meditation routine.

week two: miserable failure in the technical challenge. i have not spent a single 10 minute period in actual meditation. but i am far less stressed overall. i am forcing myself to chill out about certain things & i am letting go with others. this week is all about friendships & the moments that really count. the love & caring of a true friend really makes everything seem like it's all going to be okay- no matter what.and this is despite a torturous wait for an anxiety ridden mandatory company meeting. bets are being taken that range from 'layoffs are coming', 'we had a horrible month & need to do better', 'we are going out & selling & getting more work- so don't worry'. who knows. only time will tell. hopefully my relaxed mindset will keep going. what's the worst that can happen- i'm out a job when i am supporting my husband. so- i get another one, right? it's not the worst that could happen.

week three: meeting was actually okay. it had nothing at all to do with any part of anything i had f-ed up & yes- our numbers sucked. we have to be better at communication & quality control. such hard things to do when you are running at full throttle on a project because deadlines have you stuck in go, go, go mode. but- phew- no ulcer inducing moments.the rest of this week is a blur- as is week four. absolutely no meditation has happened. i did go for an hour & a half drive to pick up my sister which afforded some nice quiet moments with just me & my thoughts. not really meditation, but about as close as i have actually gotten.i am not counting the happiness challenge as a complete failure though. i am feeling much better overall. although nothing has changed in the ttc front, or for my hubby's shop, i am relaxed. i am taking things as they come & i have seemed to stop (or at least cut down) a lot of stress. work is like a different place. i'm more confident & centeres about my place in this firm & on my team. i do believe again that we will be parents, maybe even on our own. i have found a kind of peace in this journey where hearing things like "you guys should have kids soon", and "when is it time for you guys to pop out a few" no longer make me want to burst into tears. i actually am biting my tongue to keep from spilling the whole year long story. i figure that's just way too big a step right now, but i feel like it's right there.

i am getting ready. ready for a new life. hopefully its as a mom, but if it isn't then i hope i am confident & happy enough in my life as it is that i can say it loud & proud.this month has shown me that i can be strong & i can be centered. it's okay to let things go & life will work out. it may not be how i want or according to my own timeline, but i will be okay. no matter what my life brings i will have a fantastic life that is full & rich with wonderful friends & family. i have so much to appreciate right now & to be grateful for. i am thankful for this month & even though i technically failed in meditating every day, i think that this challenge will be counted as a resounding success.

friendships

i went out to dinner with my best friend last night & we talked about how our friendships have ben changing recently. we have both had the experience with a friend that the relationship is just not what we had anticipated or expected. i posed that in my experience that i felt this was because of me. i put too much into the relationship. i gave more than i got. i expected a different level of friendship than the other person did, or was able to give. i do that a lot. i get close & i love my friends. i would do anything i could for them. but i also expect a little of the same back.

with this friend i am talking about- it's not really one specific person. it's an amalgam of several people over the years, but the lesson remains. people are different. not everyone is going to care as much as i do. not everyone gives friendship like i do. then again, not everyone gets hurt like i do, or takes so much to heart like i do. so my lesson is learned. i am trying to let things roll. i am not taking in assumptions & letting them fester. if someone is not giving me the friendship i want- i have wonderful friends who do. even if it's a little sad & i would love to have that close friendship with more people, it's just not happening. and that's ok. i can stay friendly without investing all of myself into a one-sided friendship. i can take things less personally.

the friends i do have complete my life. they listen to the foul & angry shit i occasionally spew & do not judge me based on it. they know i need to vent sometimes- as do they. they are there every time i call- even if it's just for meaningless chit chat. they care about me. and i love them for it. there is no self-editing with friends, if you are misunderstood you explain, but the friendship remains the same despite (or perhaps because) of that. if you inadvertantly hurt a friend- you apologize & are forgiven because your heart is known by them. i am lucky enough to have never had a single fight with the best friend i ever had- someone close enough to be family. i am grateful for my friends and hope that we can continue through life with this same support. A bit of a ramble to say i am happy...

help

help comes in all different forms, usually when you least expect it. lately i have been feeling so anxious- what with work issues (mainly of my own making) and my year anniversary coming up. I hate anxiety- it takes me over completely. i get anxious about things that don't even happen- just the possibility of things happening (or not happening) is enough to set me off. it's so hard to shake. plus anxiety only tends to breed more anxiety. none of this is good for me right now. i am less focused overrall & even though i know the whole 'just relax' thing is bullshit- i still think it can't be good to get panicked & stressed at the drop of a hat, especially when i can already see that my ovulation keeps getting later & later- currently 4-6 days past 'normal'.

so last night as i was surfing around all the blogs i saw the second happiness challenge, here. i really think it was meant to be. i keep telling myself i need to do something to relax more. to enjoy & unwind a little better. my brain knows these things, but i think the message keeps getting caught up somewhere. so i am going to do the happiness challenge & meditate every single day for a month. i'm not sure how easy it will be, but maybe i need to be pushed a little harder by outside forces to allow me to do this for myself. we'll see how i do...

catharsis

i spent a few hours yesterday surfing around other blogs. i have done this superficially previously- randomly clicking on links from comments, but yesterday was different. i was immersed, i dove in & only came up for air after three good crys and numerous belly laughs. i know that 90% of the women (and a few men) that i found have no idea i exist, let alone how much their words & experiences mean to me, but i just want to take a moment to say thank you. thank you for making my problems seem smaller & easier to handle while at the same time letting me know that i am not crazy or wrong for my thoughts & feelings. thank you for saying things that sound like they have come straight from my head. thank you for sharing your heartache & experience. thank you for making whatever i am to face in this future of ttc that much easier to bear.

i have updated my page a little to include the thread of infertility. The story behind it is here: common thread. i do not yet know if i am to be included in the 'infertiles' category- it is something i will find out one way or the other in the next few months, but the thread has touched me & i think that it is a beautiful & wonderful thing to share. so although i hope more than anything not to be a member of this strong & beautiful group- i am thankful for everything i have read & gotten from them.

one of the hardest things about having a problem conceiving your child is the loneliness you feel. i am blessed to have a wonderful group - my ladies- who understand even better than i do how i feel and what i am going through. i have to say giant thank yous to all of them. i know that they will be there for me no matter what happens with their knowledge & love. i hope my ladies get what we all hope & dream for- they have hurt far worse than i will ever know & no one deserves a beautiful baby bump more.
i am also very lucky to be able to have my sister & a great friend who are there for me every day & offer unconditional support. I have never heard them say 'just relax'. thank you for that & so much more. i would not be the same without you there for me.

it is hard to go through everyday & hear- 'so when are you guys going to have kids' from random people like the neighbors. all i want to do is scream back 'whenever my stubborn eggs & his slow swimmers decide to stop fucking around & get together'. but i still bite my tongue. i still either ignore the question as rude, or come back with the standard 'when it's time' nonsense. so to have this common thread- a physical sign that no one is alone in this, is a beautiful wonderful thing to me. i may never get up the nerve to tell my story to my neighbors face, but i will wear the thread & hope that if i am to be included under the label of infertility- someone else will know that they are not alone either.