friendships

i went out to dinner with my best friend last night & we talked about how our friendships have ben changing recently. we have both had the experience with a friend that the relationship is just not what we had anticipated or expected. i posed that in my experience that i felt this was because of me. i put too much into the relationship. i gave more than i got. i expected a different level of friendship than the other person did, or was able to give. i do that a lot. i get close & i love my friends. i would do anything i could for them. but i also expect a little of the same back.

with this friend i am talking about- it's not really one specific person. it's an amalgam of several people over the years, but the lesson remains. people are different. not everyone is going to care as much as i do. not everyone gives friendship like i do. then again, not everyone gets hurt like i do, or takes so much to heart like i do. so my lesson is learned. i am trying to let things roll. i am not taking in assumptions & letting them fester. if someone is not giving me the friendship i want- i have wonderful friends who do. even if it's a little sad & i would love to have that close friendship with more people, it's just not happening. and that's ok. i can stay friendly without investing all of myself into a one-sided friendship. i can take things less personally.

the friends i do have complete my life. they listen to the foul & angry shit i occasionally spew & do not judge me based on it. they know i need to vent sometimes- as do they. they are there every time i call- even if it's just for meaningless chit chat. they care about me. and i love them for it. there is no self-editing with friends, if you are misunderstood you explain, but the friendship remains the same despite (or perhaps because) of that. if you inadvertantly hurt a friend- you apologize & are forgiven because your heart is known by them. i am lucky enough to have never had a single fight with the best friend i ever had- someone close enough to be family. i am grateful for my friends and hope that we can continue through life with this same support. A bit of a ramble to say i am happy...