technology sucks

my computer is still not working. luckily my roommate- he of the now neutered but still too feisty to let be out bulldog, has let me use his this evening.

my cycle is as confusing as last month. i have either ovulated on cd12 (if my temp jumps up about .6 degrees tomorrow) or cd 17 (based on cm & previous temps), or not at all (if my temp is wonky again tomorrow & low). I have completely given up & whatever will happen will happen. it would be great if it was cd17 because that would have been 'normal time (for me) & pretty decent timing for hubby & i. if it was cd12 i would be nervous about the freaky short wait to ovulate & if it hasn't happened yet i would be worried about another stress induced 'old egg'. even though stress was almost non-existent this month. i figure if i don't know by next week i'll just pretend i ovulated on cd17 & keep up the fun night time loving just in case.

my life has been very full & busy & happy lately- so i am actually okay with not being pregnant this month. as odd as it sounds, ttc is fading to the background for the moment. i don't know if it's because i love fall & halloween & i got to spend time with my sister & my job is going pretty great right now & my hubby is sweet & loving (mostly). maybe it's because life is full & busy & i just don't have time to worry about it right now.

maybe i'm just really good at deluding myself. i know i still want to be pregnant more than anything. i want those 2 perfect little lines & the full belly & the happy blissfull moment when you know your baby is moving in you & then when you look at their sweet face for the first time. so if the delusion that i am okay with not having that right now is stronger- it's probably because i have to be deluded. i have to be able to hope that we will create life. i also have to just let it go until i can get tested & know if there is even a reason. but until then i have to take these next few months as they come & just hope that all the tests & poking & prodding won't be needed. but in case they are i must as well get used to some patience because i think i'll need it.