it looks like i was wrong

my O day was most likely cd22 & spot arrived today- af will be here is full force by the end of the day. Officially on to cycle 13. our year is up.* today just sucks all around. i am so pissed off about life in general. i want tom's shop to stop failing & actually make us some money so i can stop worrying & we can get the room mate out. it's not that i hate the room mate- i just want my house back. i want to go to my bathroom & not be disgusted because he doesn't clean up the toilet after himself. seriously grossed out today. i did say something, hopefully it worked & my bathroom is sanitary again.

i want my husband back. i want him to be able to pay bills like i know he wants to. i want him to not feel like a failure because he has a bad business partner. i want to feel safe. i want to hold my baby in my arms. dammit- i just want to have my happy family. i just don't feel like i have too much to be thankful for today. i know i do, but it's excaped my mind.

* i still don't think that we truly deserve a technical 'infertile' diagnosis yet. the first two months we tried we had such horrible timing that i don't know how i could possibly really count them. but i will schedule my appointment with my pcp & get what testing she does done & move on. because in the scheme of things does 2 months really matter- we've had at least 8 months- 8 tries with PERFECT timing. while i really truly do know that 8 tries= nothing- it just doesn't make sense not to start testing now. i already put it off as it is & i might as well do what i can. i just really didn't want to make it here. i wanted to be one of the lucky ones.

i was talking to my best friend & i think we summed it up perfectly- why couldn't i just get a surprise pregnancy without trying- but with the knowledge & understanding that a year of trying brings... because i think that any pregnancy i have now will be treasured & loved with every bit of my being. every nauseous moment, every waddle, every extra pound & every bit of swelling & discomfort will be beautiful to me. i will probably complain- i mean who doesn't- but it will be with true love & gratitude that i get to complain. because i know that i'm lucky just to get that.

update- within 10 minutes of writing this af is here full force. i hate this so much. i know today is going to be spent crying in my pj's. hope fucking sucks.